Fear of Falling (15 page)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“D
ID
YOU
SEE
the lake last night, Olivia?” Maddie asked as she zipped up her black-and-fluorescent-green wet-suit jacket. “The sky was totally pink, and so was the water. Nate and I were standing on our deck and I felt like I was living inside an opalescent bubble of light,” she continued as she took her position behind Olivia and prepared to hoist the sculling boat on her shoulders.

“Okay, everybody,” Sarah shouted. “Heave!”

Olivia groaned as she worked in unison with Sarah, Maddie and Isabelle to lift their sculling boat off the racks while Liz held the doors open.

It was the first row of the spring. These mornings were some of Olivia's most cherished times with her friends. Skimming over the placid waters, she was always able to forget her worries and concentrate on the rowing and how every muscle in her body had to work in perfect synchronicity with the other women. They were a unit, striving for one end—this blend of nature and human physical exertion. Time stood still for Olivia when they rowed, sometimes moving so fast she was shocked they'd circled the lake so quickly. They were often the only people out on the water. Because they rowed near dawn, there were seldom any swimmers about, and speedboats and skiers were not allowed until ten. Today two fishermen in a rowboat bobbed behind the cattails and reeds along the shore. Those with bigger, fancier fishing boats didn't fish on Indian Lake.

Olivia knew she'd missed a thousand photographs over the years, but that was the point of sculling. She had to stay focused. Here she was only a cog in the human machinery that gave flight to their vessel.

“Are you sure it's safe for you and the baby to be rowing, Liz?” Olivia asked. “Should I even ask that? You're not offended, are you?”

Liz laughed as they made their way from the boathouse down to the shore. “I'm fine. My doctor says I'm the healthiest expectant mother he's ever seen. Apparently, all the years of physical work in the vineyard have helped.”

“Good,” Sarah said, “because you'll need a lot of biceps power lifting kids, trikes and monstrously full laundry baskets.”

“Are we grousing, Sarah?” Maddie teased as they put the boat in the water.

“Not really. I wouldn't give up any of my new life with Annie and Timmy for even a millisecond of my past. What I'm saying is I don't know how Luke did it alone for two years. How does anybody take care of kids and hold down a full-time job? It takes both of us and Mrs. Milse to keep up with the house, the groceries, Beau, the trips to the vet, the dentist and the doctor for checkups.”

Olivia was the first in the boat and picked up her paddle. “It sounds foreign to me,” she said as they rowed away from shore and swept out to the middle of the still lake.

“Not to me,” Isabelle put in. “I spent my entire childhood taking care of my younger brothers and sisters. My mom had to work, and being the oldest, all the chores and babysitting fell to me. I hated it. While they went out and played, I did the laundry. I don't want any part of diapers and midnight feedings.” She shivered. “Gives me the willies to think of being chained to one kind of life. One option.” She shook her head. “Not for me.”

Liz laughed to herself as Sarah stepped up the speed with her shouts of “Pull! Pull!”

“That's because you haven't met the right guy yet, Isabelle,” Liz said. “I never thought much about it before I met Gabe. Then everything in my life changed.”

Olivia stared at the morning sun as it rose behind a band of mottled clouds and sent striations of pink, red and lavender across the glassy water. The sight was magnificent and spellbinding. She wished she had her camera so she could capture the glory of the colors. Then she'd show it to Rafe.

Rafe
.

Olivia froze midmotion and had to scramble to get back in sync.

“Olivia. You okay?” Liz asked behind her.

“Fine.” Olivia picked up the pace. “Sorry.”

“I've never seen you miss a beat like that,” Liz said. “Weird.”

No, it wasn't weird. It was Rafe. Olivia hadn't been able to get him out of her head since last night at the barbecue. In fact, she'd barely slept at all.

Yesterday had been like riding an emotional bullet train straight across uncharted country. She'd gone from trepidation verging on fear about the horse race to insecurity about her ability to photograph the race, to an argument with the judge about the outcome. To say nothing of what had happened with Rafe.

Closing her eyes, she could still feel the gentle pressure of Rafe's lips against hers. Olivia had been kissed plenty of times, but never like that. Olivia was a practical woman. Even in her craft, she tried to present things as they were. Raw. Truthful. So it was more than a little difficult for her to explain what happened to her when Rafe kissed her. After spending an entire night dissecting yesterday's events, Olivia knew the only truth was that her life would never be the same.

For years she'd heard patronizing comments from her mother's friends and even simplistic explanations from her own girlfriends that when the right man came along, things would change. She would change.

But Olivia didn't want to change. At least, not like that.

She wanted to
make
some changes. That was certain. She'd told herself she simply hadn't had the time to do so. Her catering schedule was packed. They'd had a busy month at the deli. She had events to plan, including a wedding.

She stopped herself cold. She was doing it again. Cramming her hours and days with everything that wasn't the one thing she wanted. Her photography. If she was too busy to try, she couldn't fail. If she was honest with herself, though, her hectic schedule was an excuse she'd been hiding behind for years. Deep down, she was afraid of taking a chance on herself. Because that was exactly what it was: a chance. A gamble. Was she a risk taker like her father? And if she went the distance, would she become addicted to the hunt like he had? Would she hurt her mother? What if she had to move away? Julia didn't deserve to be abandoned twice in her life by the people she loved.

“Pull!” Sarah shouted as they rowed over lily pads on the north side of the lake near the lodge.

Sarah's instructions shook Olivia out of her daydreams.

“You guys with me?”

“Yea, Captain!” they yelled back.

Olivia wiped the sweat from her forehead with the sleeve of her sky-blue-and-black wet suit, pulling with all her might. The pink of dawn had faded into a brilliant blue. Spring trees were only beginning to bud, but the forsythia and rhododendrons that decorated the gardens of the lake houses had burst into color over the weekend. Soon the long branches of the maples and oaks would spread out over the water's edge and shade the piers and beaches. The sandhill cranes would come back, and the seagulls that dotted the skies over Lake Michigan would nest along Indian Lake, as well.

On clear summer evenings, Olivia would close up the deli and she'd come out to the lake and comb the dense, grassy inlets for muskrats. Maybe this year she'd find the eagle's nest that one of her deli patrons had reported a week ago.

This summer she would be audacious. She would put herself, her life and her talent to the test. Rafe had told her that she could photograph Rowan whenever she wanted. Although Rafe could be possessive of his prize-winning Thoroughbred, somehow Olivia had the feeling that Rowan was the key to taking the next step in her career. Despite all the complicated emotions between them, the invitation was there.

“Bring her in slow, ladies!” Sarah called as they headed in toward the boathouse.

Olivia looked up. They were finished? How was that possible? She felt as if they'd just gotten out on the water. “I thought we were going to make three passes,” Olivia said as Sarah gave the command to lift their oars.

“We made four, silly.” Maddie chuckled over her shoulder. “Boy, you really have been in Neverland today, haven't you?”

“Huh?”

Isabelle scoffed, “Usually, I'm the one who's off in the clouds. I don't think you heard a word we said today, Olivia.”

The boat hit the sandy shore and halted. They all hopped out and walked the boat up to the beach.

Sarah led her crew as they hoisted the boat onto their shoulders.

“I'll take the key up to Captain Redbeard,” Isabelle said when they'd placed it back on the rack.

“I'll put the oars away,” Maddie offered. “So are we all set for next Sunday? Weather permitting?”

They all agreed, and once everything was put away, they began the walk up the hill to the parking lot. Olivia's van was closest to the pathway. She unlocked her door, looked up and saw Sarah, Maddie and Liz standing in a semicircle next to her with concerned expressions on their faces.

“Are you okay, Olivia?” Liz asked sweetly.

Maddie put her hand on Olivia's arm. “Something's up. What is it?”

“I don't know what you're talking about.”
How could they tell I'm upset? All we did was row—just like always.

Sarah took a step forward with her hands on her hips. “Olivia Melton. We've been friends since we were kids. You haven't been yourself for weeks. I asked you four different questions out there on the lake and you never answered me. I can tell when your mind is someplace else. It happens all the time when you're taking pictures. But this is different. Are you sick and you don't want to tell us? Is it your mom?”

Olivia exhaled so deeply her chin sank to her chest. “It's not my mom and I'm not sick.” She looked up at her girlfriends. She wasn't going to escape without telling them the truth. But what was the truth?

“Fine,” Sarah said. “Look, we want to help, but if you don't want our help, we'll butt out.”

Olivia reached out and took her hand. “It's not that, Sarah. It's...well...something
is
different.” She hesitated. “I just don't know what it is.”

Maddie leaned in. “When did this start, exactly? Maybe we can nail it down for you.”

Olivia rolled her eyes, unsure if she'd chosen the wisest course of action. Maybe this was one of those times when selective truth might come in handy.

No, that just wasn't her style. “I think it started...when those photographs of Rowan went viral.”

Sarah groaned. “Oh, no! I'm so sorry, Olivia.”

“I know. I forgive you. It's Rafe who was so angry.”

Sarah nodded. “I should apologize to him, too.”

“It's not necessary. He actually wound up apologizing to me after he stormed into the deli that night.”

Liz's jaw dropped. “When was this?”

“Two weeks ago,” Sarah and Olivia said in unison.

Sarah turned back to Olivia. “But he's okay with it now, right? We're all Kumbaya and holding hands?”

Olivia lowered her eyes sheepishly. “Yes.” She fiddled with her car keys. Without thinking it through, she blurted, “I kissed him. No. I mean, actually, he kissed me. I didn't see it coming. I'm pretty messed up over it all.”

Liz clamped her mouth shut, her eyes wide, while Maddie gasped and brought her hand to her mouth. “Rafe? Where?”

“On the lips, of course.” Olivia glared at Maddie.

“I meant, where were you when this happened?”

“In the horse barn at the fairgrounds yesterday before the race.”

Sarah inhaled. “Before the race and not after?”

“Well, then, too. Why?”

Maddie stepped in front of Sarah, put her hands on Olivia's shoulders and said, “Olivia. Rafe is a Barzonni. You can ask Liz. Barzonni brothers don't ask. They take, conquer and claim.” She turned to Liz. “Am I right or am I right?”

Liz's eyebrow shot up and she folded her arms across her belly. “Right as rain.”

Olivia felt the blush spread from her scalp to her toes. “Well, he sure can kiss.”

“They all can.” Maddie chuckled. “And neither Liz nor I would have it any other way. I also know Rafe pretty well. He's not the kind of guy who goes around dispensing random kisses. He's always been very serious. If Rafe kissed you two times in one day, I'd say there's a lot of thought behind it.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I'd bank on it,” Maddie replied. “If he'd kissed you only the one time after the race, I'd say that was probably enthusiasm. You know, glee over winning. But the one before that? Hmm. That's another thing altogether.”

“That's kinda what I've been thinking. I know that Rafe and I got off on the wrong foot with the viral media thing. But he apologized to me before I could say anything to him. I know he's—” she paused as her eyes tracked from Maddie to Liz “—they're all going through a rough time since their dad's death. I think it's harder on Rafe than any of his brothers, though I don't know for sure.”

Liz nodded thoughtfully. “Gabe said he was worried about Rafe because of how wrapped up he was in pleasing his father.”

“Nate said the same,” Maddie added.

“Yeah... I'm wondering if what he feels for me isn't just some kind of transference or grief novocaine,” Olivia continued. “Like, to kill the pain. That's the worst part. I can't let myself hope for anything more because he's in an unstable place right now.” She couldn't stop tears from welling in her eyes. “That's all it is. I'm part of his bereavement.”

Sarah, Maddie and Liz flung their arms around Olivia.

“That's not true!” Maddie exclaimed.

“How can you tell?” Olivia sniffed and wiped her tears. This was worse than she'd thought. Now she was shaking and crying over Rafe. She hadn't wanted to face it, but the truth was right in front of her eyes.

Olivia's friends didn't answer right away, and she knew exactly what they were doing. They were scrambling for compliments about her character and her talent. How honorable she was and that she was a good friend. They weren't answering her because secretly, they thought Olivia might be right. There was a very good chance that Rafe, a decent, caring and intelligent guy, was lost in his grief. He was a sensible man. Not the kind of guy who normally went around falling in love in a matter of weeks.