Feeling Sorry for Celia (18 page)

louder,

We see no point in you, Elizabeth,

We think you ought to be dead.

We don’t see why you bother existing at all.

Sincerely.

The Association of Teenagers

Dear Elizabeth,

I’m incredibly sorry about your dog dying.

From

A stranger

Dear Elizabeth,

Look, we’ve just had word that you found an anonymous note in your bag when you got home from school today. Could you confirm this for us? Give us a sign by opening your window at midnight tonight and mooing at the stars.

We don’t want to raise your hopes or anything, but anonymous notes are really the essence of who we are. Anonymous notes chime the bells in haunted towers, curl the creeping vines on gateways, rust the locks, toss the shadows, weave the spiderwebs, breathe the nightmares! Anonymous notes are right where it’s at!

We are therefore pleased to make a provisional offer of membership in our society. Our offer is only provisional because we don’t trust you.

Yours single-eyebrow-raisedly,

The Secret and Mysterious Association of Secret and
Mysterious People

Elizabeth,

That anonymous note you got today? I bet it was from some old woman who overheard you telling your friends about your dead dog.

After she wrote the note she dropped dead too.

Best wishes,

COLD HARD TRUTH ASSOCIATION

Dear Elizabeth,

Another thing.

You’re a waste of space.

How come you don’t just drop dead yourself?

All the best,

COLD HARD TRUTH ASSOCIATION

Dear Elizabeth,

Your hair looks really shocking today. What’s with that weird fringe curling in two opposite directions like curtains opening on a stage? You want to make a kind of centrepiece of your forehead, Liz? Is that the effect you’re trying for? How about throwing in a spotlight for the zit on your forehead, huh?

I can’t believe you went to school looking like that.

Maybe you should give us a call some time?

The Director,

International Department of Hairpieces, Toupees and Wigs

Dear Elizabeth,

No! Of course you shouldn’t do any homework! Are you out of your mind? What have you got anyway? Maths! NEVER do Maths homework Nobody checks! And Mr Valcino writes up solutions to the tricky ones on the board at the start of the lesson! So it’s a WASTE OF TIME to try and work them out yourself

You weren’t actually thinking of starting work on that Music assignment were you? ! Ha!! Excuse us a minute while we chortle hysterically. Have you got this far without figuring out what Term Assignments mean? They’re just JOKING when they say work on it all term! What they mean is stay up all night the night before it’s due! You crazy kid, you!

Good God, child, you have absolutely NO homework.

Fond regards,

The Society of People who are Definitely Going to Fail High School (and Most Probably Life as Well!)

Dear Elizabeth,

Oh, good idea. No, look don’t bother doing any training today. It’s FAR better to lie on a couch eating an entire packet of Tim Tarns and drinking a bottle of Coke than to attempt to rekindle a fading, failing, never-got-off-the-ground career as a distance runner! Think about how much time you lost when you had that flu! Think about how much more time you lost rescuing the delightfully grateful Celia. Think about how stupid it is running alone now that Saxon’s decided to drop out.

It’s cross-training day today anyway! Cross-training doesn’t really count! How can SWIMMING LAPS actually contribute to
RUNNING a half marathon?? Work it out! Swimming – running – swimming – running – uh, like completely different things or something? Like, one’s in WATER and one’s on GROUND or something?

Watch TV instead! Watch
Wheel of Fortune!
Choose a participant and shout encouragement from the couch. ‘Go Mary-Anne. Come on, Mary-Anne.’ Guess what prize they’re going to pick! You can get the same high from watching the wheel spin just past Bankrupt as you can from running 20ks! And you won’t he nearly so sweaty!

Yours ever,

The Society of High School Runners Who Aren’t Very Good At Long Distance Running hut Would Be if they Just Trained

ELIZABETH!!!

OVER HERE! ON THE FRIDGE!

THERE’S A SPECIAL TREAT FOR YOU INSIDE THIS FRIDGE. JUSTBEHIND THIS DOOR JUST ON THE TOP SHELF.

IT’S A STRAWBERRY MANGO! AND THEY’RE NOT EVEN IN SEASON!

YOU CAN TAKE IT TO SCHOOL WITH YOU IF YOU LIKE. I’M NOTSURE HOW YOU’LL EAT IT THOUGH.

THOSE THINGS CAN BE REALLY MESSY.

AS ANOTHER TREAT I HAVE DECIDED TO STAY HOME TONIGHT INSTEAD OF GOING TO POETRY CLUB.

THE POETRY CLUB WILL COME HERE.

IF YOU FELT LIKE MAKING A CAKE OR A SLICE FOR THEM THISAFTERNOON, PLEASE FEEL FREE. IN FACT, I HAVE LEFT A RECIPE FOR A CHERRY AND APRICOT SLICE ON THE BENCH, AND IN THE CUPBOARD YOU WILL FIND SPECIALLY PURCHASED
CHERRIES, APRICOTS, WALNUTS AND CONDENSED MILK! JUSTAS THE RECIPE REQUIRES!

BUT ONLY IF YOU FEEL UP TO IT.

LOTS OF LOVE,

YOUR MUM

Dear Elizabeth,

My God. I cannot believe that you actually thought that was too unimportant to tell me about. Your dog died and the boy you were in love with asked your best friend out. And that’s just nothing. Good Christ, Elizabeth Clarry.

Hello? Are you there?

Look, one tiny aspect of that story would have been serious enough. Even if your dog had just sprained his little paw. Even if Celia had done a sexy eyebrow thing at Saxon. As it is – I can’t believe it. You’re so incredibly brave. If those things had happened to me, I’d have been buying myself a six-pack of Pollywaffles and moving in to the treehouse out the back.

This is so serious that I’m skipping Commerce to write to you and that is one major sacrifice. Do you realise we’re doing Skills for Product Differentiation at the Supermarket today? How am I ever going to be able to choose between Kraft Slices and Coon Mature Cheddar when I’m a housewife with a trolley full of kids at Franklins? You want to tell me that?

No but seriously, Elizabeth, that was the saddest story I ever read. You are so brave. Your dog dying. Jesus, I cried myself to sleep for about three years when Josie (my lab—
kelpie cross) died. Here is a very top-secret secret, and swear to me you won’t tell anybody, but I was MUCH more upset about my dog dying than about my grandma dying. You remember I told you that my sister Renee saved my grand-ma’s life by dialling triple 0 last year? Well, she only saved it for another month because then she had a massive heart attack and died anyway.

So I was upset and all, and cried at the funeral, and it was awful around the house (although we had a lot of butterfly cupcakes, which everyone seemed to bring after the funeral), and my mum went really peculiar. But really, my grandma was always losing her temper and shouting at Robbo, which only makes him worse, or going mad on my mum for the kind of gardening gloves she chooses, or telling me that I’m getting nice and fat. Thanks Grandma. Whereas my dog never once shouted at Robbo or complained about Mum’s gardening gloves or told me that I’m fat. My dog was perfectly happy with everything about our family and just sat around smiling.

The fact is, my dog was nicer than my grandma.

God, I shouldn’t have told you that. You’re going to think I’m a cold and callous witch.

Oh well, too late.

Also, it’s so sad about Saxon. It sounded like it was really going to work out, and he seemed pretty cool. And then Celia just being excited about Saxon asking her out. God, Elizabeth, that must have been like losing Celia again. I guess she didn’t realise anything about how you felt about Saxon, or else she wouldn’t have been so insensitive. (Still, I don’t want to say anything because I know she’s a good friend, but seriously, what was she thinking?)

So what’s happening now with you and Celia and Saxon? Are you hanging out together or is it unbearable? Is Celia coming to school or is she still sick? And does everyone think she’s a goddess or something because she joined the circus?