Feeling Sorry for Celia (29 page)

Dear Elizabeth,

You have nothing in the world to be nervous about. Christina is wonderful and you both got on deliriously well at the hospital that night. You’ll have a fantastic time. The party will be a stupendous success. Christina and Celia will get on fine, and Maddie and her boyfriend will be delightful new friends and just what you need.

The Stranger boy likes you and there’s no reason why he should
stop. Just calm down and look forward to it, Liz. That’s a girl.

Sincerely,

The Take-a-Deep-Breath-and-Calm-Down Society

Dear Elizabeth,

In fact, you have EVERYTHING in the world to be nervous about.

You think Christina will like you after a Saturday night together? You think one night in a hospital, when you were both in crisis, can actually tell you anything about whether you’ll get along?

You think you know how to have a PARTY on your own? What food do you get? What drinks do you get? What video do you get? When do you put the video on? Who’s in charge of the remote control? What music will you play? Will people DANCE? Will people COME? Isn’t seven people too FEW for a party, Elizabeth?

You haven’t got a clue, have you?

And another thing: you think you can suavely meet a bunch of strangers INCLUDING the boy who thinks he likes you (without ever having even spoken to you) and manage to KEEP him liking you?

Do you have some kind of a DEGREE in stupidity, girl? If not, we’d like to offer you an honorary one right now!

Yours,

The Association of Teenagers

Elizabeth,

Uh. We agree.

Yours etc,

COLD HARD TRUTH ASSOCIATION

To: ELIZABETH CLARRY

From: HER MUM

Re: WHY DO I HAVE TO FILL THIS FORM IN ANYWAY?

No. Pages:

DEAREST ELIZABETH,

HERE IS THE FAX THAT I PROMISED, TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I ARRIVED SAFELY AT ‘SHORT RETREATS FROM THE RIOTS OF YOUR LIFE’ AND FRIDAY AFTERNOON HAS PASSED WITHOUT ANYONE TRICKING ME INTO JOINING A RELIGIOUS CULT.

HOW PECULIAR TO WRITE A FAX TO YOU! YOU’LL HAVE TO STICK IT TO THE FRIDGE WITH A MAGNET BEFORE YOU READ IT, OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE CONFUSED.

IT’S FABULOUS HERE AND I AM SURE THAT I WILL RETURN TO THE RIOTS OF MY LIFE VERY SERENE. YOU WILL NOT RECOGNISE ME AND MAY HAVE TO SHAKE ME TO GET THE CALM, BEMUSED EXPRESSION OFF MY FACE.

INDOOR ACTIVITIES INCLUDE BUBBLY SPA BATHS, MASSAGES, MANICURES AND 24-HOUR JIMMY STEWART MOVIES, BECAUSE ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE SOOTHING.

OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES INCLUDE MUCKING OUT HORSE STABLES (SYMBOLICALLY CLEANSES YOUR LIFE OF CLUTTER) AND BOTTLE-FEEDING LAMBS (REKINDLES YOUR NURTURING SELF).

LUCKILY, I LIKE MY LIFE CLUTTERED AND I DON’T HAVE MUCH CALL FOR MY NURTURING SELF, SO I’VE BEEN ABLE TO FOCUS ALL MY ATTENTION ON INDOOR ACTIVITIES.

IN BETWEEN ACTIVITIES WE HAVE GROUP DISCUSSIONS AND WE ALL TELL THE STORIES OF THE RIOTS OF OUR LIVES. EVERYONE WAS VERY EXCITED BY THE STORY ABOUT YOUR FATHER AND RICKY-THE-SECRET-SON BECAUSE IT WAS MORE SCANDALOUS THAN MOST.

THE TEAM LEADER OFFERS EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY THE RIOTS OF OUR LIFE ARE GETTING US DOWN. IT TURNS OUT THAT THE REASON I REACTED BADLY TO RICKY WAS THAT I HAVE SUBCONSCIOUS INCEST-RELATED ANXIETIES AND I FOUND HIM DISTURBINGLY ATTRACTIVE.

THIS IS RUBBISH OF COURSE, BUT VERY FUNNY AND I NOW FEEL MUCH BETTER.

ONE VERY EXCELLENT THING ABOUT THIS PLACE IS THAT THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE US CHOCOLATE AND PORT EVENINGS EACH NIGHT OF THE WEEKEND, BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT THAT CHOCOLATE AND PORT ARE VERY INSIGHT-INSPIRING. I’M PLANNING TO HAVE LOTS OF DRUNKEN INSIGHTS AS SOON AS I FINISH THIS FAX, WHICH IS LOVELY. (ELIZABETH, YOU DON’T THINK I’VE BEEN
NEGLECTING
YOU AS A MOTHER, DO YOU? I JUST HAD AN INSIGHT THAT MY LACK OF INTEREST IN BOTTLE-FEEDING LAMBS MIGHT SUGGEST THAT I AM LETTING YOU DOWN. AM I?)

YOU WOULD BE PROUD OF ME BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN A PARTICULARLY
ACTIVE
MEMBER OF THE GROUP. THIS AFTERNOON I STARTED MY OWN REBEL DISCUSSION GROUP FOR PEOPLE WHO DON’T FEEL LIKE DISCUSSING THE RIOTS OF THEIR LIFE ANY MORE. IN MY GROUP, WE TALKED ABOUT ISSUES LIKE KNEE-LENGTH SOCKS COVERED IN TINY
AUSTRALIAN FLAGS AND WHAT MIGHT BE GOOD ABOUT THEM. BRAINSTORMING SEEMS TO BE VERY GOOD THERAPY FOR THE WOMEN.

THE ADDED BONUS IS THAT I’M USING THE WEEKEND PRODUCTIVELY TO CATCH UP WITH MY WORK. THIS FAX MACHINE IS HANDY AND THESE ARE
VERY
IMAGINATIVE WOMEN.

SEND ME A FAX BACK TO THE NUMBER ON THE LETTER HEAD, AND TELL ME HOW YOUR PARTY GOES ON SATURDAY. GOOD LUCKY AND GOOD LUCK WITH THE ANONYMOUS BOY FROM THE BUS
IN PARTICULAR
(YOU ARE A VERY GOOD GIRL FOR TELLING ME ABOUT THAT. IT IS THE KIND OF THING A GIRL SHOULD TELL HER MOTHER.) I’M SURE HE WILL
ADORE
YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE
BEAUTIFUL
, AND I AM
DYING
TO FIND OUT WHICH ONE IT IS. OKAY?

LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE

YOUR

MUM

To: Mrs Clarry, c/ Short Retreats from the Riots of Your Life

From: Elizabeth Clarry

Re: You should always complete forms, Mum

No. Pages: 5

Dear Mum,

It turns out that I’m a FABULOUS cook and Christina asked why and I had to say it was because of you. You neglected me so much that I had to learn to fend for myself. So next time you have an insight about being a neglectful mother,
have another insight that in FACT neglect has been very useful for me.

Anyway, it was very nice of you to take a break from massages and manicures to write to your neglected daughter. So you can’t be that bad.

How does the camp leader feel about your rebel discussion groups? And do the women know that you’re faxing their ideas back to an advertising agency? Because I think there might be some professional/ethical issues to deal with, no?

I had the party last night and it was fantastic. I mean a proper party success. I made genuine
hours d’oeuvres
because I found recipes in your book (you meant me to use the housekeeping money for smoked salmon and caviar, didn’t you?), and we all drank some of your Bacardi with Coke, then we danced, and then we watched three horror movies. And everyone slept in the living room in sleeping bags and told ghost stories.

The Anonymous boy came and I’m not going to tell you which one he was until you get back, and that will be a way of making sure you actually come back. I’ll just tell you tins: he was very cool and especially talented at ghost stories. I think he might be a genius or something. He also knows magic tricks – and when he does them his fingers move as if they were flickering flames. He did some card tricks which had something to do with match sticks and which were very very funny. I don’t know why they were so funny. Maybe because we were pretty tired by then.

Celia and Saxon got on incredibly well with Maddie and her boyfriend. The four of them discovered this shared dream about one day going to New York and becoming
world-famous. I think our shared dream about going to New York and drinking cafe lattes is a lot better and more sophisticated but I politely didn’t tell them about that. They stayed up talking on the back verandah way after the rest of us had fallen asleep, making their New York plans. So THAT’S good – maybe it’s given Celia a reason to snap out of it and keep on living.

Now I have to tell you something extraordinary. Which I’ve put off this far but I don’t have enough self-discipline to put off any longer.

The extraordinary thing has to do with the party, okay? And it has relevance to YOU. Maybe you want to discuss it in one of your therapy sessions?

Before I tell you the extraordinary thing, you should try and guess. I’ll give you some clues.

Okay, have you worked it out yet?

Guess who Maddie’s boyfriend is?

I bet you guessed it, because you’re a very smart mum.

It’s Ricky Clarry, my HALF-BROTHER.

Amazing, no? I know. It was very weird seeing him walk up the driveway, with this huge grin because he found it hysterical that it was the same place. We had a nice chat and I told him that we didn’t hate him because we knew it wasn’t his fault. He said all his life he had suspected that Dad was a bit of a putz, but he hadn’t known how much of a putz, but still, if it wasn’t for Dad being a putz, he wouldn’t exist, so he wasn’t sure how he should feel, exactly. I told
him not to stress, so he said he wouldn’t, so it was all okay.

I was kind of glad that Maddie’s boyfriend turned out to be Ricky instead of another stranger because I was a bit scared about all the strangers. Although it was very weird to have him in the house and to keep thinking every now and then: My god, he’s actually a
brother
or something.

Anyway, I hope it’s not wrong of me to bring this up now – like you’re supposed to be retreating from the riots of life and here I am bringing them straight back to you. Not that I think your Team Leader’s very good at dealing with your Life Riots. Ricky’s cute but I don’t think that you’re subconsciously attracted to him. One thing I was thinking is that it makes perfect sense for you to be upset. It was bad enough Dad leaving us for another woman after I was born; but to cheat on you while you were pregnant. I can’t really think of anything lower than that. And then to lie about it to you, and to lie about your reaction to his family for all these years. It’s like he’s never stopped cheating on you.

I hope you don’t mind me saying that. It’s just something I was thinking about, and I wanted you to know that I’m behind you. Let’s just say that if I had to choose between my mother and my father, I’d choose my mother like a shot. Okay?