Feeling Sorry for Celia (4 page)

Then he’s really pleased with himself because he thinks he’s taking care of my
cultural education
.

And then he always asks how my mum’s going and as soon as I start to answer he looks around the room for a waiter and asks for another bottle of wine or a whiskey on the rocks or something.

Anyway, so that’s what it’s like going to dinner with my dad.

I hope you’re having a good day and eating something else besides porridge for breakfast, because I think it’s probably bad for your brain, and I’m sorry about that, I know you like it, but that’s it.

From,

Elizabeth

!! ELIZABETH !!

LIBBY, I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER THIS MORNING. I MADE EXTRA PORRIDGE FOR YOU, AND A NICE HOT LEMON DRINK WHICH WILL BE GOOD FOR YOUR THROAT. WHILE YOU’RE DRINKING IT YOU COULD THINK ABOUT HOW YOU WOULD FEEL IF YOU WERE AT A HOLIDAY RESORT WHICH IS ALL BUILT UP IN THE BRANCHES OF TREES. HAVE A GOOD DAY GETTING AN EDUCATION!

LOVE FROM YOUR MUM

Dear Mum,

I’m not going to school today. I’m going back to bed. I will die very soon.

Thinking about holiday resorts built in the branches of trees makes my head feel worse, so I don’t want to do it, thank you all the same.

Elizabeth

DEAR LIBBY,

I HOPE YOUR COLD FEELS BETTER I’M IN THE LIVING ROOM AND I DIDN’T WANT TO WAKE YOU SO I’M PUTTING THIS NOTE UNDER YOUR DOOR. DO YOU WANT SOME DINNER?

LOVE MUM

Dear Mum,

It’s not a cold, it’s PNEUMONIA. I’m writing this at 2.30 a.m. and I’m going to put it on your door because it might be the last time you’ll ever hear from me. Both nostrils are stuffed and my throat’s about to disappear completely, and when that happens I don’t really see how breathing will be possible. So I guess I’ll be dead when I see you next.

So, BYE MUM.

Love from Elizabeth

NOTE FOR ELIZABETH!!! FOR WHEN SHE WAKES UP!!!! LOOK HERE ON TOP OF YOUR CLOCK RADIO, LIBBY!!!

I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER TODAY. PLEASE RING ME AT WORK IF YOU ARE DEAD.

TAKE VITAMIN C’S
(IN THE BOTTLE NEXT TO THE TISSUES JUST OVER THERE).

PUT VICKS VAPOUR RUB ON YOUR CHEST
(ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO YOUR BED).

LOVE FROM YOUR MUM

PS I’m sorry I thought it was just a cold when it’s pneumonia. PPS One thing you might do today is think about creative ways to describe your symptoms. E.g. If you have a headache, does it feel like drums beating against your forehead? If you have a sore throat, does it feel like ants crawling around your throat?
BUT ONLY DO THIS IF YOU’RE FEELING UP TO IT OF COURSE.

Dear Ms Glarry,

Here’s your perfect opportunity to climb into the fridge. Lying around under your Teletubbies doona all day must surely highlight how HOPELESS you are!

May we remind you that the only time you ever throw up is when you have the flu? Never from getting smashed off your brain. Ever been DRUNK, Elizabeth? Oh no, that’s right! The only time you drink is when your FATHER gives you a glass of wine! That’s so impressive!

You haven’t even SEEN marijuana, let alone experimented with the hard drugs that you’re SUPPOSED to be using.

You’ve never spray-painted your initials on the inside of a bus shelter either, come to think of it.

What are you waiting for? You know you’re a waste of space.

Yours sincerely,

The Association of Teenagers

Dear Ms Clarry,

Another thing. Most teenagers are supposed to have heaps of friends to do all the drinking and drug taking and vandalising with. And to go to parties with, and movies, and dance parties.

Apparently, you only have ONE friend and she′s disappeared off the face of the earth!

You really ARE a waste of space!

The Association of Teenagers

Dear Elizabeth,

Your dad sounds
exactly
like my Uncle Rosco. That’s my cousin Maddie’s father. Is your mum like my Auntie Belinda? She’s always getting bits zapped off, like moles off her arm, and eyebrows off her face, and cellulite off her thighs. She’s got black painted-on eyebrows, which look like she used a black crayon and pressed really hard. And her nails are so long that they practically drag along the carpet behind her. And she’s always carrying the cat around, which is a big fat lazy fluffy pile of shit, and then going, ‘Oh LORD, CAT HAIRS, on my CASHMERE!’

Which you’d think she’d’ve worked out already and would just stop carrying the cat around.

I agree totally about co-ordinate geometry, and basically everything else in Maths altogether. I think you should just copy the answers straight out from the back of the book and then spend your Maths lessons writing to me. Okay?

I’m very sorry about the green goobey landing on your Maths book. Nothing as disgusting as that has ever happened to me.

I talked to Maddie on the phone last night and she’s kind of depressed cos Uncle Rosco and Auntie Belinda are going away for the weekend and leaving her alone and she hasn’t got a boyfriend at the moment so it’s wasted. And I can’t go over there cos I’ve gotta help at my mum’s shop this weekend (she’s a florist). This is the longest Maddie’s been without a boyfriend (six weeks) since Year 7, which at least keeps her out of trouble but gets kind of boring hearing her going on about it. And I’m not allowed to talk about Derek cos it just makes her more depressed and she says it’s insensitive.

Has your friend Celia turned up yet? Has she called you yet? Is your throat better? It’s bad that you were depressed. I’m going to tape an M&M down the bottom of this letter to try and cheer you up. I hope it works.

Gotta go cos I’m actually supposed to be doing a history exam right now.

How was the dinner with your dad? I thought of what you should do if he pulls that shit on you with the wine again. Tell him it smells exactly like cow manure and take a swig straight from the bottle.

Love,

Christina

M&M ----

Dear Elizabeth,