Feels Like the First Time (22 page)

Before I left for lunch another email appeared.

I will help answer questions you have. My memory of faces is lousy, but I think I remember just about everything else.

Yes, I am in love. I married Rick Johnson a few years out of high school. We were together up until a few years ago. Drugs became a major factor in his life and I finally had enough. I am now with someone who thinks I am beautiful. We have been together for a couple of years and I am very happy.

It is good to hear from you.

Dawn

Two emails from her in the same day, and in both of them she said how in love and happy she was. I was sure she was saying that to keep me at arm’s distance, since she knew how I felt about her from reading the story online. But, it was also possible that she maybe didn’t feel as happy and contented in her relationship as she said.

I zipped off a quick email asking her whether she remembered getting that crazy letter I sent her from Long Beach all those years ago. I was curious about that, but I also wanted to get her thinking about our happy times together and see how much she remembered.

I went out to lunch, and by the time I got back there was another email waiting for me.

I remember that letter. What I remember most about it is that in the letter you said that you were finally going to say you loved me out loud. But, it wasn't out loud. It was in a letter. My mom read that and laughed. I miss her. My dad died a few years ago too, so they’re both gone.

I don't remember talking about the letter with you. I wouldn't have, though. I would have been too embarrassed. It was the first time a boy told me they loved me. However, I also remember that not only my mom read it, but all the girls at a sleep over read it too. You know how girls are.

Dawn

I wouldn’t have thought I could be embarrassed by something that happened more than thirty years ago, but the thought of Dawn and her teenage friends laying around on sleeping bags and reading that letter did it. That’s what I got for sending a love letter to a girl so young. Before I left work that night I sent off one last response.

Dawn

When I thought about you having a sleepover and reading that letter to the other girls, it was my turn to be mortified. It would have killed me at the time, but now it seems funny.

I’m glad to know you got that letter. Since we never talked about it, I had begun to wonder if it was real or if I had imagined writing it. Of course, Colleen was right. It was silly for me to write a letter to you and say that I wanted to say it "out loud." I didn't know what to do with everything I was feeling for you, so I did what I always did–I wrote. In fact, that's why I am writing the story I am now, to help me figure out some things from when we were together that are still impacting me today.

You mention missing Colleen. As badly as things ended between us, I've thought of her often as well. I was on the air in Greybull Wyoming when Mom called to tell me she had passed away. I wanted to call you then to tell you I was sorry, but I thought you didn’t want to hear from me. I would have liked to talk to her again, although I don't think she felt the same about me. In the years before you and I were together, I had come to think of Colleen as my friend. I can tell you now that I am sorry she passed away. It's so hard when our parents leave us. You know my Dad died when I was little, and now Mom and Robert both passed away a few years ago too.

Shawn

That night, as I walked Jenny, I stood on my little dirt hill and again looked to the south. I was humbled and amazed that Dawn had found me, and that I was actually talking to her.

When I walked back in the house I knew I would have to talk with Adinah about being in contact with Dawn. As good as I was at hiding my emotions, this was too much to hide. I told her I needed to talk to her and she tensed up. We’d been in marriage counseling for two years and we both knew a conversation that started with ‘I need to talk to you’ could go anywhere.

“I want to tell you that I’ve been exchanging emails with Dawn today.”

I didn’t need to explain who Dawn was. I had told Adinah when I ran into Dawn at Bill & Bea’s in 2006. She had hovered over our marriage ever since. We didn’t talk about her often, but when we did, it was always a highly charged conversation. I was always factually truthful with Adinah but I was emotionally dishonest. I couldn’t begin to tell her how I really felt.

“Is that so?” she asked. “What did you talk about?”

“Honestly, not too much. But there are a couple of things I need to tell you. One is that I was so blown away when I first ran into Dawn a few years ago. I sat down and wrote out the story of when we were together. It turned out to be a lot longer than I had thought it would be, something like a book.”

“Well that’s just great, isn’t it?” She folded her arms. “You’re married to me, but you’re writing a book about some girl you haven’t talked to in thirty years?”

“Not my finest moment, I know.”

“I guess not.”

“Look, I’m tired of dishonesty. That’s why I’m telling you this. I doubt if you want to read it, but if you do, there’s a copy in my closet.”

“I couldn’t care less about your stupid story.”

“I understand why you feel that way, but I wanted to tell you about it. And, there’s one more thing I need you to know. I’m not going to stop talking to her. I’m not going to sneak around behind your back about anything.”

“Really.”

“Yeah. I don’t know if I’ll talk to her for a few days or a week or forever, but I’m gonna talk to her some more.” I hoped that Adinah would balk at that but she didn’t.

“Fine, I don’t care. Do what you need to do.” 

I was in an odd place with Dawn. She had read the story I had posted online, so she knew I loved her after so many years. I would never deny those feelings, but we didn’t talk about them either. I didn’t want to put Dawn into the position of having to reject me outright. We ignored that elephant in the room and got to know each other again.

In those first emails, we talked a lot about the past, comparing notes about our memories of being together. I was happy and relieved to find our memories agreed on most things, even though there were things that Dawn remembered with clarity that I didn’t, and vice versa.

Over the next few weeks, we found ourselves sending more emails every day. At first it was a couple each day, then three or four, and eventually we were in constant contact. You might think that meant we were growing closer and more intimate, but it didn’t feel that way. Over those first few weeks of June, Dawn seemed wary of me, like I was a stranger. After thirty years, I guess I was.

Eventually we started to catch up with what our lives had been like over the past few years. I told her about my first marriage and how much it hurt when my first wife left and took my three girls to Arkansas. My first wife leaving me was a blessing, but losing Desi, Samy and Sabrina to Arkansas almost killed me.

In return, Dawn told me about her marriage, to the same Rick Johnson who once returned the roses I sent her all those years ago:

My marriage with Rick was pretty bad. For the longest time, I thought I was going crazy. Then, one night a neighbor called the police. That was the night I found out that he was doing meth. That answered a lot of questions and made the past few years make a lot more sense. He tried to quit, I tried to stay with him. It didn’t work.

Dawn

Dawn and Rick had been separated for years but still hadn’t gotten divorced. Dawn said she was afraid to file the papers. Divorce is expensive and money was tight for her. I had a feeling that she used the fact that she was still married as a barrier to keep anyone she was seeing from getting too close.

After several weeks of emails, I was thrilled to be in touch with Dawn. But I was getting nowhere on the central mysteries that had bothered me for decades. What happened to her after we separated? Had she really been pregnant? Why had she rejected any communication with me for so long, but now was willing to talk? I got my first clue to those questions two weeks after our first email, when Dawn wrote:

I did have anger toward you. I was very young when we were together and I saw you as a manipulative older guy who talked me into things. I thought for the longest time you had ruined my life. I suppose it was easy to think that because you were gone and Mom was always telling me that.

It wasn’t until my daughter Dani became pregnant at 16 that I realized that it didn’t really happen the way I remembered it. Dani’s boyfriend is 19, but she is the boss of that relationship. Over the years I have figured out that most 18-19 year old boys are not very bright. That is why I don’t blame you for anything anymore. It’s easy for me to blame you for everything, but it’s a waste of time.

Dawn

That felt like the beginning of an explanation. Those words hurt because she was expressing why I always felt guilty. I was older and should have controlled things better than I did. But it was ironic that she went through life blaming me for manipulating her, when our only time together was initiated by her phone call. I didn’t call her on that because it felt like more disclosures were coming and I didn’t want to stop the flow of words.

When we first started talking again, I thought she had read the whole story I had published on WritingRaw.com. However, it turned out she had only found the first chapter, which recounted our chance meeting at Bill & Bea’s in 2006. Ever since I had begun writing this story, I told myself it was to get perspective and a better understanding of what happened. Now, when there was a real chance that Dawn would read what I had written, I knew that had been my purpose all along. I wanted her to see how I felt about her through my own eyes–how clear my memories of our time together were. I sent her an email and asked if she would like to read the rest of the story.

She said she would and I sent her a sample chapter. It was the one where I took her to
Star Wars
for her birthday. She lingered on one quote:
“I will almost certainly never know what Dawn was thinking or feeling as she went to bed that night.”

Soon after I sent her that chapter, I received this reply.

I’ll tell you what I was thinking. At the time I was thinking you were an older guy being nice to me. You may have been just a teenager, but to me you seemed a lot older. I was a kid still and too innocent for my own good. I was also in shock to find out that you had feelings for me. I really didn’t know.

The night that you kissed me, I was trying to keep my knees from buckling. I felt the electricity the moment we kissed. I wouldn’t have been able to speak if my life depended on it. I walked into my house and acted like everything was cool with my parents, like it was no big deal. I mumbled something to Mom and Dad then went straight to my room so I didn’t have to talk any more. And I could remember that kiss.

Dawn

Finally, it felt like Dawn was letting me inside. She remembered our kiss, the one I had never been able to forget.

I wish I could say I waited long enough before responding, but I answered immediately.

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why you stuck in my heart so firmly when every other person I’ve been with has left almost no impression at all. Do you remember when we would drive up to Doss Cemetery, turn the radio on softly, shuck off all our clothes and lay there and hold each other, skin to skin, but not do anything else? I sure never did anything like that again. During times like that, everyone says things like "I will always love you" and "I will never feel like this again.” Then, time passes, things change, and we forget those things.