Fifty Shades of Shade - "The Fifty Shades of Grey Parady" (9 page)

             
He sighs. He takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom.

             
“Alright, let’s just take care of this problem now.”

             
As we enter into his bedroom I’m quaking like a leaf. This is it. I’m finally gonna do it. And with Sebastian Shade, of all people.

             
“Do you want the blinds drawn?” The giant window looked out on the entire city of Sea
-
Apple.

             
“Doesn’t matter.”

             
“Do you want the orchestra to leave?”

             
“Sure.”

             
The six-piece philharmonic in the corner of the bedroom stops serenading us. They pick up their instruments and leave the room.

             
Once we were alone he turned and looked at me. In the bare light his silhouette sang to me, made me quiver
down there
.

             
“Are you ready for what I’m about to do to you?”

             
“Is it sex?” I ask.

             
He comes over and gets me in his grasp. He nibbles on the bottom of my
lip. Yep. It’s sex.

             
“I’ve been wanting to bite this lip,” he tells me. “You
don’t know how bad.”

             
“Wew, heew id ith, baby,” I say. My speech is hindered by my inability to use the bottom lip he’s biting on.

             
He then begins undressing me, kissing me all over, every kiss and nibble on my skin takes me to another realm of pleasure. I feel the sensation reach all the way to my groinal area. This is all new and wonderful. All I want is him. All I want is Shade.

             
He lays me down on the bed. I’m dripping with desire.

             
“Show me how you play with yourself,” he tells me.

             
“Do you have a deck of cards?”

             
“What?”

             
“Like Solitaire, you mean?”

             
“
Chastity
, have you ever come before?”

             
I shake my head.

             
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that.” He crawls over me onto the bed. He cups my breasts firmly. I tingle in my vagina land.

             
“They fit my hand perfectly.” He starts licking and biting my nipples elongating them. After one big bite my nipple shoots out and pokes him in the eye.

             
“Sorry.”

             
“You’re so receptive,
Chastity
,” he says softly, one eye closed in pain. He continues smooching my boobies. “Let’s see if I can make you come like—”

             
I come.

             
“Like…that,” he continues.

             
My body shakes with orgasm. So, this is what it feels like. This is way better than how my grandmother described it to me as a kid.

             
“Now, I’m going to enter you,
Chastity
.” Shade pulls down his pants. The size of his erect penis startles me at first. How will it fit?

The penis-hole winks at me.

             
“I’m going to go in easy, baby.”

             
I’m helpless to him. All I want is for Sebastian Shade to put his dingus in me.

             
As he hovers over me and inserts the head, I shake. He holds it still as my sex gets used to something being inside of it, besides a douchebag hose.

             
He’s so big. It fills me up completely. He begins slowly thrusting and I’m completely overwhelmed with a combination of pain, pleasure, and excitement.

             
“Oh,
Chastity
. You’re all mine.”

             
His thrusts turn into pumps and his speed picks up. I feel him tighten his grip as he explodes in me. I feel him empty into my cooch canal.

             
There’s a silent moment of heavy breathing. He kisses my forehead. As he pulls out of me, I wince. He lays next to me and pokes his finger in my nose, saying, “Boop.”

             
I’m sore and my body is jelly. I’m completely melted into the bed. That was—oh my—indescribable.

             
“I’m going to take you from behind now,
Chastity
.”

             
“Um, sure—”

             
Before I can finish answering, I feel his enormous enormity slip
back
inside me. He’s pinned me down in his grasp and I can’t move. I don’t want to move. I want him to totally dominate me.

             
He starts fucking me again.
Sebastian Shade fucking me
. I can’t believe it, I almost want him to autograph the used condom.

             
I lose track of how long we are having sex. I’m completely immersed in how effectively he’s doing me. I climax eighteen times during intercourse.

             
“
Chastity
, I’m going to come,” he whispers into my ear.

             
“Go for it, buddy,” I whisper back.

             
Once again he explodes inside my love hole. Oh my god. I feel him wilt against me. There’s no better feeling in the world. We lay next to each other in post-coital serenity. Suddenly, we’re interrupted by voices outside the room:

             
“Mrs. Shade, he’s still in bed.”

             
“My son is never in bed this late. Is he sick? Let me see him.”

             
“Mrs. Shade…he’s with someone.”

             
“Oh.”

             
Shade jumps out of bed. “Oh, shit. My mom’s here.”

             
“W-what? What time is it?” I glance out the window. It’s daylight. We’ve been having sex for like ten hours. Man, time flies when you’re getting deflowered.

             
Shade is throwing on clothes.

             
“Hurry up, get dressed. You’re meeting my mom.”

             
“I can’t meet her like this.”

             
“Just throw on some clothes. You look great, she won’t care.”
             

             
Shade leaves the room. I get up and get dressed. I look at the bedsheet. A bloodstain where my vagina was positioned. It’s official. My virginity is gone. I blow a soft kiss to the bloodstain. Bye-bye virginity.

             
I go outside and see Shade out on the couch, a sandy-haired middle-aged woman sitting next to him. She turns to me and smiles.

             
“You must be
Chastity
.”

             
“Nice to meet you.”

             
“This is Dr. Margaret Evening-Shade,” Sebastian introduces.

             
“Call me Margaret, sweetie.”

             
Meeting this woman might help me figure him out a little. I hold a magnifyin
g glass up to her. Hm. No clues. E
xcept that I can now tell she waxes her upper lip.

             
“So, how did you two meet?” she asks.

             
“
Chastity
interviewed me for WSU’s student paper. I’m conferring their degrees this week.”

             
“So, you’re graduating this week,” Dr. Evening-Shade asks me.

             
“Yep.”

             
“Great.” She turns to Shade, “I haven’t seen you for two weeks. Windsor told me you were around. I thought we’d have grimble together, but I see you have plans already.”

             
“What’s grimble?” I ask.

             
“Oh, it’s a secret meal between lunch and dinner that only the super wealthy know about,” Shade explains to me.

             
“Ah.”

             
“Well, I better get going,” she continues. “Some other time, darling.
Chastity
, it was a pleasure to meet you.”

             
“Same here, Dr. Evening-Shade.”

             
“Call me Nancy, dear.”

             
“Okay.”

             
I thought her name was Margaret.

             
Cheryl enters and escorts Dr. Evening-Shade out.

             
After she leaves, Shade hands me a manila envelope.

             
“Here’s the rest of the contract. Read it and we’ll meet next weekend. I suggest doing some research on the Internet.”

             
“Internet?”

             
“Yeah, the World Wide Web.”

             
“The Whaz-a-hoozle?”

             
“On your computer.”

             
“I don’t have a computer.”

             
“But, you’re a college student in modern day America—”

             
I shush him. “Please,
let’s not focus on this
story’s logical missteps.”

             
He thinks about it. “You’re right. Let’s just go with it. Come on, I’ll d
rive you home.”

             
“So, how was it last night?” Melissa asks me.

             
“Good.”

             
“Did he make you come?”

             
Whoa. She’s so blunt. Her name should be, er, Emily Blunt. Sorry, that was bad. What do you want, it was a long night.
             

“Yes,” I murmur.

             
“Wow, he must know what he’s doing. My first time was horrid.”

             
“Oh?” This has me interested.

             
“Yes.
Mikey S
antone. High School. Some jock. We got drunk, he wore his varsity football jacket while we did it. All his teammates were watching. It was bad.”

             
“
That sounds awful.”

“Yeah, well...they won the state championship later that day, so I felt like I did my part. Oh, here’s
some letters for you.”

I open them. Two interviews, both at major publishing houses.

“That’s amazing,” Melissa tells me. “I told you. Also, this package came.”

             
Another parcel with no return address. Shade. I open it. It’s a brand new laptop computer. This must have cost him millions.

             
“Welcome to the twenty-first century,” Melissa adds. “When are you seeing him again?”

             
“We’re supposed to have dinner Wednesday.”

             
“And then more sexy time?” Melissa naughtily asks.

             
I think of the Red Room of Pain, the contract, and ghost Ray Charles.

             
“Something like that.”

             
I begin setting up my laptop. The whole time I’m thinking of Shade. So complicated. Now I have some insight, though. On the ride back he told me how he lost his virginity to one of his mom’s friends when he was fifteen. Forced upon him. Kinda like that old lady that seduced Dustin Hoffman—what was her name? Jon Voight?

             
In fact, he was the Submissive and she was the Dominant. To be a teenage boy having sex with an eager older woman. I can’t imagine the hell.

             
I take out the contract again and look at it:

CONTRACT

             
Made this day ______ of 2012 (“The Commencement Date”)

Between:

             
Mr. Sebastian Shade of 103 Alacse St., Seattle, WA 98889 (“The Dominant”)