Fifty Shades of Sherlock Holmes (2 page)

An older gentleman, with fine grey hair and
a dark suit.
 
Beside him, a Rubenesque woman
wearing what appeared to be a Roman toga.
 
Her body spilled out of the loosely fitting robes, nearly revealing her
massive breasts with every bounce of the carriage.
 
On the opposite side of the man, a more
curious figure.
 
At first I thought it
was a young man, much too young to be involved in such illicit things.
 
As I watched, however, I realized it was actually
a slender woman dressed as a man, with short blonde hair worn slicked back,
like a pixie from a children's storybook.
 

The robed woman smiled lasciviously at me
and said, "I see you are the raven."

Each of them wore pendants as well, the same
as mine, but of different animals.
 
Her's
was a snake.
 
The man's, a rat.
 
The younger woman bore the sigil of a
sparrow.
 

"Where are we going?" I said.
 
"Have you any idea?"

"None at all," the man said with a
laugh.
 
He removed a small black case
from the seat and unlatched it.
 
Plain
leather, it looked like a doctor's kit, but inside was no ordinary
medicine.
 
He removed a large bottle with
glistening green liquid and said, "Will you join us in courting the green
fairy?"

"What is it?" I said.
 

The man smiled as he handed the woman a
glass and asked her to hold it.
 
He laid
a slotted spoon over the glass and placed a sugar cube on it.
 
He then uncorked the bottle and slowly poured
its contents over the sugar cube so that it filtered through the spoon and down
into the glass.
 
When it was half full,
he handed it to me.
 
"Absinthe is
said to be the key to the mind's fortunes," he said.
 
"Drink, and be immortal."

"Drink too much and you go blind and
mad," the pixie giggled.
 

They all watched me carefully as I lifted
the glass to smell its licorice, tarragon fragrance.
 
I bolstered myself and took an ever-so-slight
sip.
 
Warmth spread throughout my lips
and cheeks and soon travelled the rest of my body, as if the glowing emerald
drink was now flowing through my very veins.
 
The pixie tapped the man's leg anxiously and said, "My turn next,
please.
 
You promised."

 
 
He repeated the same elaborate ritual to
prepare their drinks, and soon, all of us were drinking it.
 
As I finished my glass, I found myself
staring through the carriage's window up at the stars.
 
Vast fields of points of light such as I had
never seen and all of them glittering.
 
I
was mesmerized too by the moon, with its seas of grey across the luminescent,
marbled surface.
 
I wondered what life
might exist there and if it were looking down on us.
 

The man's hand wandered into the larger woman's
robes to squeeze her breasts.
 
He let
them out one by one, revealing each pearl white orb and their pink, flowering
nipples.
 
"It reminds me of my
youth," he said with a whimsical laugh.
 
He lowered his head to suckle from her, while the pixie stroked his
hair.
 
He cupped one of the breasts in
his hand and looked up at me, "Come.
 
Drink the milk of creation."

I leaned forward to see a fine drop of white
fluid emerge from the woman's nipple, and that it was dribbling from the man's
lips.
 
I hesitated, and he said,
"No?
 
Perhaps you have more
discerning tastes."
 
With that, he
hiked up the woman's toga to reveal the light brown patch of hair between her
legs.
 
She shifted forward on the seat
and lifted her leg to prop it against the carriage door.
 

I meant to be horrified, of course, to
properly reproach them, but instead I was fascinated by the folds of her
sex.
 
She reached down to spread herself
open, revealing the soft, delicate pink flesh there and said, "Would you
like to taste me?"

"I would," the pixie said.
 

"You saucy thing," the man laughed
as he leaned back against the seat to let the pixie climb over him and dive
into the woman's lap.
 

Soon, the pixie's head was bobbing back and
forth, and the woman giggled, "Her tongue is so soft!"
 
The pixie burrowed further in between the
woman's legs and soon, her head flew back and she gasped.
 

I could not help but watch this display, and
confess that it stirred something deep within me.
 
The sucking noises and tiny moans of pleasure
from the woman, combined with the effects of the absinthe, nearly turned me
into an animal.
 
I kissed the pixie full
on the mouth and tasted every bit of the woman's juices, letting her smear her
damp face against mine.

As our tongues twirled together and I tried
pulling on the short locks of her hair, something intruded on our mouths and I
tasted the salty, briny essence of a man's penis.
 
I realized our male companion had undone
himself while we thrashed our faces together and slid his manhood between both
of our mouths in between our kiss.

I reared back, aghast as I wiped my mouth,
but the pixie only laughed and pushed him away, as if it were the funniest
thing she'd ever seen.
 
"Just kiss
it," he said, waving it at her between his fingers.
 

The pixie rolled her eyes and pressed her
lips against the shaft.
 
She pulled me
forward, but I refused to do the same.
 

He shrugged and moved closer to the woman,
waving himself at her exposed breasts and finally she rolled back his foreskin
and took him all the way into her mouth.
 

I looked out of the carriage's window and gasped,
"We've stopped."
 

Everyone managed to untangle themselves from
one another and the pixie sat up and said, "This must be it.
 
Come on!"
 
She straightened her suit coat and waved for
the rest of us to hurry.
 

I knocked on the carriage door to signal
that we were ready and the door opened.
 

~***~

"Watson, are
you all right?" Holmes said.
 
He
turned in his chair to stare at me, as I was positioned behind his headrest and
refusing to move.

"Absolutely
fine.
 
Really," I said.

"Would you
mind making some tea while the Countess continues?"

"Not
possible at the present, I'm afraid," I said.
 
I smiled tightly at Holmes and the Countess
and said, "Perhaps in a few moments."
 

"What on
earth is wrong with you?" he said.

"Nothing!
 
I am simply standing here for the time being,
trying to see this from a different point of view.
 
Why are we discussing this anyway when we
should be listening to what the Countess has to tell us?"

Holmes snapped
his fingers and said, "Quite right you are.
 
So, you've arrived at the party."

"Yes,"
she said hesitantly.
 
"That is when
things truly began to come undone."

Holmes reached
over to his side table for his Moroccan case and removed his calabash pipe.
 
He packed it with fragrant tobacco and lit it
until a fine stream of grey smoke was streaming out of the bowl.
 
"Really?
 
How fascinating."

The woman
nodded.
 

Holmes was
utterly unperturbed by this woman's story.
 
He listened as easily as if she were telling him about items she'd
purchased at the market, meanwhile, I was stuck hiding behind his chair with an
achingly painful erection sticking out in my trousers.
 
It was protruding enough that a bird might
land on it and stoop.
 
Mrs. Hudson could
have hanged her laundry from it.
 
Holmes
the machine, Holmes the unfeeling and pitiless creature of logic and reason
with no regard for the suffering of others.
 
 

"Please, go
on," Holmes said.
 

Oh
God
.

~***~

Torchlight decorated the woods where we
exited the carriage, with several stakes forming a path that led into the
forest beyond.
 
Our driver snapped his
reins the moment we were all standing on the leaf-covered ground, vanishing in
the shadows of the trees before I could even turn to call out for him to stop.
 

"I suppose there's nothing to do but press
on," the man said.
 
He draped his
arm around the woman and they staggered forward.
 
The torches began to be spaced out further
apart, leaving longer distances of pitch black in between them.
 
  
  

The pixie pressed her hand into mine and
said, "Do not be afraid."

"Why should I be afraid?" I
said.
 
"Do you know something of
what awaits?
 
Is there something to be
afraid of?
 
Tell me now, whatever it
is."

She only smiled benignly and pulled me
deeper into the woods.
 
We hurried after
the other two, afraid to lose them in the darkness.
 
As we came over a hill, I saw what appeared
to be a blazing inferno below, only to realize it was a large ring of torches
all stuck in the ground, burning with such intense light and heat that I had to
look away.
 

We came down the path toward the burning
wall's entrance and as we entered, two hooded men barred our passage with long
staffs.
 
"Reveal that which you were
instructed to bring," the one closest to me said.
 

I pointed at the raven pinned to my dress
and said, "This is what I was given."

He looked at the pixie and saw her
sparrow.
 
Their staffs came apart and we
moved past them to enter the flaming circle.
 
It was worse than any dream I'd ever had.
 
Masked creatures and bare flesh exposed to
the night air at every turn.
 
One man was
naked and smeared with green paint, hopping around in filthy fur leggings like
Pan.
 
Another wore a massive golden mask designed
to look like the sun, with rays of light sticking out in every direction.

I watched a woman dressed in dark robes lead
a naked man across the ground by a chain attached to his manhood.
 
His wrists and ankles were bound and he
scurried after her as she walked, desperate to not have her yank on the chain
too hard.
 

I heard a loud crashing noise and people
nearest me leapt back to get out of the way as a woman dressed like a horse
came barging through them on all fours.
 
Her hair was back in a tight ponytail, and her mask formed a long brown
cone with painted on nostrils.
 
She
grunted and neighed like a horse as she scrambled past them, and to my utter
shock, I saw that her long tail was connected to a thick device that someone
had inserted into her rectum.
 

That was enough for me to want to
leave.
 
I spun away from the scene in
disgust, only to see that my path was blocked by another masked figure.
 

His mask was white porcelain, and designed
in the fashion of the Greek figure Tragedy.
 
I could see nothing of his eyes or mouth, and the rest of his body was
covered in long black robes.
 
At the
center of his chest dangled a medallion, the unholy symbol of the
upside-down-pentagram.
 
When I saw that,
I finally screamed and collapsed.

I do not know how long it was before my eyes
fluttered open, but when they did, I realized hands were fumbling inside of my
skirt.
 
I felt a warm mouth close over
one of my breasts and realized that the woman in the toga from the carriage was
sucking on them while her male companion was attempting to insert his penis
into me.
 
I squirmed to get away, but the
woman laughed and said, "Stop thrashing about, dear."

The man held my legs fast and propped one
over his shoulder, bearing down on me so that I could roll aside.
 
I felt his cockhead pressed against my sex
and just as it was about to penetrate me, someone came up from behind him and
cracked him over the back of the head.
 

I shoved the woman off of me and scrambled
away, amazed to see that my savior was none other than Tragedy.
 
He threw down the golden bowl that he'd used
to subdue my attacker and extended his hand toward mine to help me to my
feet.
 
"Are you all right?" he
said.

"I believe so.
 
I nearly wasn't.
 
Thank you for your assistance."