Authors: M. Dauphin
Chapter 7
Eddie
The entire wedding I watched her and nothing about her seemed unhappy. She was brilliance in her blue dress. Her hair was perfectly subdued with just enough funk to show her amazing personality. Jesus, even her shoes made me want to fuck her.
Everything about her is exactly what I need, and nothing that I thought I wanted. I don’t care though. I need her like I need air to breathe.
When my mom killed herself, I knew I’d never have a ‘normal’ life. I guess as a kid I grew up with my blinders on. I knew what he did to her, but I didn’t think anything of it because I was a kid, and I didn’t know the ramifications of what he was doing to her until it was too late. Hearing Red talk about wishing her life had ended with her father’s... that broke my heart.
Fuck, then she told me I had one night to pretty much decide if I could be with her or not. It all comes down to one thing; can I live with the fact that the woman I’ve fallen in love with used to be suicidal? I want to say yes. I want her more than I wanted anything in my life, but she needs to understand where I’m coming from. I need to tell her.
As soon as she leaves the table Molly follows her. Shit.
“Dude, snap out of it!” Tatum yells from across the table. “What the hell is going on with you two?” he asks as he finishes up another beer.
“I don’t know what the fuck you are talking about,” I growl. I’m still pissed he lied to me that she left. That was a headache I could have not had, had he just told me. Bros before ho’s and all that shit. Apparently not.
“Bullshit. Grow a pair, Eddie. That woman looks at you like you are her lifeline. You’re gonna fuck this up if you can’t get your shit together and grow a fucking pair.”
“Drop it man,” I hiss across the table at him. “We’re fucking fine.”
“Dude, you had it rough. I get it. That woman loves you... you can see it in her eyes. Your rules are bullshit, Eddie. I get not wanting to be like them... but that’s your fucking choice. By the looks of her tonight... you are about to lose the best thing that has ever happened to you. Fuck man! Last night wasn’t enough of a scare that you were going to lose her? Now, not a day later, you are back to the same bullshit. Stop being such a pansy, Eddie. She’s gonna be gone before you get your shit together if you keep this up.” He shakes his head at me and chuckles. Asshole.
Lose her? Not on my watch, what the hell made him say that?
“What are you talking about, Tatum?” I cave and ask. Drunk Tatum is loud, but he is almost as smart as sober Tatum. He gets a better feel of character and people’s feelings drunk. It is insanely fucking strange, but for as long as I’ve known him he’s been like that.
“Every time she looks at you tonight she plasters on that fake ass smile. I’ve known her twenty four hours and can tell it... you can’t say you didn’t notice how fake that was?” His eyebrows raise at me, waiting for an answer. Shit, she did seem off. I guess I thought it was just her trying to be not as outspoken around my friends, trying to make a good impression. Why would she leave me, she told me I had tonight. I still have time... right?
“Fuck,” I groan and run my hands over my hair. It’s a gesture that started after I shaved my head for the first time, and has since become something I do without even thinking about it, just to remind myself I’m not him.
I’m not him.
Fuck... I’m NOT him. I’m me. I’m Eddie.
Oh SHIT.
“You seriously think she’s leaving? Jesus, should I go after her!?” Panic starts welling in my chest and an unfamiliar feeling of fear starts running through me. Oh god, I don’t enjoy this. I need her next to me. She can’t run from me... she gave me tonight!
“Nah, Molly’s got this. Drink up, dude. You’re gonna have a long night... and it’s not going to be fun.” He laughs as he finishes another beer. Jesus, at his rate his isn’t going to be enjoying his night either; or at least his morning tomorrow.
Son of a bitch.
She comes back to the table and I immediately see that smile. That fake fucking smile that I had missed all night because I was too worried about how damn sexy she looks. Shit. I grab her hand when she sits down, needing the contact and the assurance that she isn’t going anywhere.
I need my Red. As crazy as it sounds, even after just a couple of weeks since I’ve known her, she’s the one that I want to be with. I want tiny, redheaded, bat shit crazy children... FUCK, KIDS!? My mind won’t stop racing at the possibility of having that happily ever after that I never wanted, with the one woman who has made me want it.
Grabbing my drink I take another swig, and as soon as the newlyweds clear the table I make the move to leave. I need to get her back to privacy where I can spill my guts to her. Finishing up my liquid courage, I keep hold of her hand and march her to our hotel. I want to get past this. I want to get to the part where we are happy again, and tonight is going to be anything but happy.
“Hold up!” She lags behind a bit, then stops, taking off her heels and flashes me one of her famous Red smiles. There’s my girl... she’s still there.
“Need a lift?” I grin.
“Har har asshole... you try speed walking through the streets of Vegas in heels like this!” She slaps my arm with her purse and keeps walking, stunning me with her pure beauty.
By the time we make it back to the hotel she’s bitching about the dress, the bare feet, and all I can think about is getting her dress off her and getting her in bed. I know we have a lot to talk about before that can happen though, but I’m not happy about it. The door shuts behind us, but she doesn’t stop and wait for me. Instead, she marches right into the bathroom and comes out shortly after she goes in, wearing my fucking Rancid shirt and boxers.
Smiling, she plays with the hem of the shirt and looks down at herself.
“Guess I should go get my stuff from the other room.”
“No. Don’t. You look perfect.” Her eyes come to meet mine and she grins at me again. “I like you in my clothes.” I walk towards her and embrace her, lifting her for the hug. She doesn’t wrap around me like I wish she would, just awkwardly hugs me back.
“Listen, Eddie. We... there are things we need to talk about. No sex tonight. I told you I’d give you one night... so here we are.”
No sex? I’m sure I look like I just lost a puppy. Can’t we have both? She looks determined, though. I sigh and loosen my tie, taking off the suit jacket and rolling up the sleeves. Maybe I won’t be wearing red to bed tonight after all.
“Alright... let’s hear it.” Bracing myself for the breakup that I know is coming, I run through ways to get her back once she decides to leave. Instead I’m hit with the words I never wanted to hear a woman say to me.
“Tell me about your childhood, Eddie. Where did the scars come from?”
A punch to the gut would have felt better than those words. I know I have to tell her eventually, but that’s where she starts? I stare at her for a moment, trying to decide where to begin.
“Wow. That’s an intense first question, Red,” is the only thing that I can get out.
“I need to know. I need to understand you. I deserve someone that gets me, that understands me, that doesn’t JUDGE me. I don’t want to waste my time.” The look she gives me could have killed. Jesus, maybe Tatum is right, maybe she is ready to bolt.
“Look... you’re not fucking wasting your time okay!” Calm the fuck down, Eddie. I pace the room and end on the couch, waiting for my heartbeat to slow before continuing.
Calmly she sits on the couch next to me and puts her hand on my back.
“I’m here, Eddie. Please open up.”
I sigh heavily, and know it’s now or never. Red isn’t the type of girl to give second chances. If I fuck this up, it’ll be all on me.
“It all started when I was five,” I start. “The first time he did it, I didn’t really know what happened. He told me it was an accident; that his cigar fell out of his hand. Hit the top of my knee and burned straight through my jeans and skin before I was able to get it off.”
I feel her go still as I start describing the small things he would do to me when he thought my mom wasn’t looking. All the ‘cigar burns’ all the ‘whoops, the scissors slipped’ times when he was cutting my hair. None of them were accidents. I know that now.
“He was worse with my mom. I watched him beat her more times than I could count. For years I watched it, and cowered in corners and closets... anywhere I could find to hide... just so he didn’t hit me...” I trail off. I know she’s crying but I can’t look at her. I can’t take the pity.
“Eddie, I’m...”
“Then one day, my sister and I came home.” I have to keep going or I’m never going to be able to finish my story, and she deserves to know everything.
“You have a sister?”
I laugh to myself and nod silently, unable to talk about her since I have no clue if she is even alive still.
“One day my sister and I came home. The house was quiet, which was weird since most of the time we came home to yelling. She grabbed me a snack to hold me over ‘till dinner, then went to the bathroom. That’s when I heard her scream. She wouldn’t stop screaming, so I ran in to help her. The two of us found our mother dead, Red. She slit her wrists in the bathtub. The note she left us said she loved us both but couldn’t take his anger and hatred towards her anymore. After that, he took everything out on me and my sister, and each time he wasn’t hitting me, I was hiding. I don’t know where my sister is... I haven’t heard from her in years. She left on her eighteenth birthday and I still had years in that house with him. All because I couldn’t fucking stand up to him. ”
Getting that out is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I told Tatum, but not in that much detail. I’m not sure I’ve ever said those words out loud before, and it actually feels good now that it’s out in the open.
I feel her hand leave my back, though, and immediately know she’s done with me. She just heard the worst thing I could have possibly told her, and she can’t handle it. Hell, I can barely handle it some days. All I had to do was man up as a kid and I’d still have my mom and my sister. Red knows this. What woman would want to be with someone as fucked like me?
“You can go now... you know the truth. My parents really fucked me up, Red. I’m sorry.”
I am, too. So fucking sorry that I fell for her so hard.
Chapter 8
Gwynn
“My God, Eddie...” I get it now. I understand why he looked at me like that.
Because he blames himself for his mother’s suicide.
Shit!
“Eddie, I’m not going anywhere.” I shake my head and clasp my hands together. Good lord we are fucked up. Both of us in way too far to turn back now.
“I’ve never told anyone else but Tatum, Red. I get it if you need time...”
“Stop! What the fuck are you talking about?!”
“That’s some pretty messed up shit, Red. Normal people don’t come back from that.” He looks at me and my heart breaks for him. The tough-as-balls looking man, filled with beautiful glorious muscles and tattoos, is really broken underneath the façade.
“I’m not leaving you, Tex. You better get used to me being around.” I look at him and he finally cracks one of his panty melting smiles.
“Jesus... that was the hardest thing I’ve ever told anyone... and you play it off like it was nothing.” He sighs and flops back on the couch.
“I know it’s not ‘nothing’, but seriously... it’s not your fault, you have to realize that. You are lucky you got out of there alive.” It’s the truth, I’ve heard stories that didn’t have such a happy ending.
“I did... you are right. And when I did, I made those stupid ass rules for myself,” he grunts and stands up, getting more and more nervous. “You know... I never wanted this. I lived by my three rules... fucking easiest rules ever to follow... and I still broke them!”
“What rules, Eddie?” I ask, knowing these are the rules he was referring to last night.
“Fuck! All I had to do was be nice to fucking people! Well, your friend, assclown Jacob, made me break that one!”
I laugh. “You mean Jase?”
“Whatever.”
“What are the other ones?” I need to hear it. I need to hear that he broke rules because of me, and that’s why he is so hot and cold around me.
“Shit... you know, they were made for a reason. It wasn’t some stupid bullshit ploy to keep me from settling down with someone. I can’t be like them... I can’t have the chance to be like them. I can’t put someone I... Fuck... anyone through what she went though. It’s not an option!” He starts pacing the floor again, making me more antsy that he’s going to walk out the door again, but this time for good.
“Can you sit, please?” I stand and touch his arm, surprising him with the contact. His eyes come into contact with mine, and I see the pain. I see everything I saw in my eyes when I was in my darkest days. God, he really is messed up.
He follows me back to the couch and sits, putting his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. I have to control myself, because right now all I want to do is help him forget everything, and this is supposed to be a no sex night.
“So you made rules. Everyone lives by rules of some sort or the other. Everyone follows some type of code. Hell, after my dad died I changed completely. Would you believe it if I told you I lived my whole life with long blonde hair, and only hit the gym for the treadmill? Sorority sister, right here, Tex.” I smile, trying to lighten the mood. When he starts laughing I know it worked, so I go on, hoping to make his story easier to tell if I told more of mine. I just want him happy, I want him to be ok. I want him... plain and simple.
“Yep, my daddy loved me, we watched football every weekend, I went out with the jocks. No personality, followed the crowd, did what I was told. Terrible, really.” I start laughing and he joins in shortly after.
“Are you serious!? Look at you! There’s not a bone in your body that screams ‘conformist’. There is no way that is the truth.”
Instead of talking, I grab my cell phone and pull up Facebook from a few years back, shoving the images in his face. The blonde hair, the preppy clothes. It’s all there, and it’s nothing like what he is looking at today. I don’t regret those days, but I’m so much happier now that I’m living for myself.
“This, what you see today, is what happened to me after my dad died, Tex. Traumatic experiences change us, but they don’t own us. We own us,” I whisper as I take his hand, praying that is enough to get him to open up to me.
He sighs and gently runs his thumb across my hand.
“Never fight. That’s rule 2. Fighting, of any sort, pisses me off. Every time I see a hit it takes me back to hearing her bones crunch, seeing the blood, feeling the crunch when he was hitting me. It’s stupid to want to get beat up.” His voice is soft, and he won’t look me in the eyes when he talks. He sits there, holding my hand, watching his thumb move back and forth across my knuckles.
I stay silent, remembering all of the times my fighting has been brought up in front of him and his reaction to it. I didn’t get it at the time, but it all makes sense now. It’s the same reason I don’t drink anymore... it brings back too many memories. We sit like that, in silence, for what feels like hours. I’m so tired, so exhausted, but he just keeps playing with my hand, lost in thought. I’m not about to break this moment, though. He is finally opening up to me. He’s finally telling me things that I’ve been curious about since I met him. The scars all make sense, the tattoos make sense now as well. He did it to cover them, to cover the memory.
The only thing I’m still lost on is why he hasn’t walked away from me by now. Apparently I made him break his rules... why hasn’t he walked away and made his life easier on himself?
“The final rule...” His voice is raw, and I can see the unshed tears in his eyes. For the millionth time that night, my heart breaks for him and I know, right then, that if he lets me go I won’t come back from it. I’ve never felt pain like this for another human being. I’ve never felt like I’d give my life to make someone better, but for Eddie I would. For Eddie, I’d do anything.
“Never fall in love...” he whispers, then slowly looks up at me.
I feel my heart beat rising, I know I’m going to cry. He already told me, in no specific words, that he broke all of his rules with me. He already told me why he made those rules. He’s followed them his entire life, why should he start breaking them now? I’m not stupid, I can put two and two together.
“That’s it, then? Throwing this away because of rules?” I take my hand from his and nod, trying my hardest to keep my modesty while getting off of the couch and leaving. Leaving him there to hate himself for throwing me away because of fucking rules he made for no fucking reason.
I make it to the door before he has me turned and pushed against it.
“You don’t get it do you?” he growls as his hands find mine and push them firmly against the cold door.
“Obviously I do. You don’t want me,” I hiss, pissed off that I seriously thought he wanted me for good. Stupid girl. Even more pissed off that I almost told him I loved him.
“No, Red. I didn’t want you. I didn’t want anything about you. I didn’t want you invading my thoughts at all hours of the day. I didn’t want your fucking scent on my pillow when I go to bed at night, reminding me of what I shouldn’t have done that night I let you into my apartment, into my fucking life. I definitely didn’t want to throw my life story out there to a practical stranger...but I did. I shouldn’t have fucked you, because I knew I would never get enough. I shouldn’t have brought you here because I knew you’d break me. Nothing mattered, though. I did it all, knowing I shouldn’t have. I didn’t want you, Red. But now I fucking need you.”
And just like that, the walls I started building a few minutes ago are broken, the tears start to fall, and he holds on to me like I am his lifeline. Like I am the only thing in his world that makes sense. He kisses me like he has nothing else on his mind but tasting me, like he’s been waiting years for me. He holds on to me as if he believes I’m going to run from him.
“God damnit, Red,” he grunts as he lifts me and carries me to the bed.
He lays me down and starts kissing me. His hands exploring every inch they can.
“Eddie...” I gasp as his mouth finds that spot right behind my ear that sends waves to every nerve in my body. “No sex tonight, remember?” I manage to get out as he continues sucking in places only he can find.
Stopping long enough to glance at the clock that reads 12:01, he winks at me and gives me that fucking grin again and I’m a goner.
“Good thing it’s not last night anymore,” he growls as his hands find the waistband of his boxers I had put on earlier and pushes them down. “I like this shirt on you...” he purrs as he pulls it over my head. “Much better off of you, however.”
“Tell me, Red,” he says as he kisses his way down my body. “Tell me about these.”
I feel his fingers grazing the shape on my rib cage. My first tattoo. He rests his head on his hands across my stomach and waits. His eyes have darkened since earlier, and I see the need in them now.
“It was my first tattoo.”
“What does it mean?”
I laugh, remembering when I got it, and how mad Jase was at me because I didn’t do any research before getting something permanently inked on my body. I’ll never make that mistake again.
“I don’t... know?” I smile and can tell he’s confused. Those beautiful hazel brown eyes scrunch together and he is trying his hardest not to laugh.
“You don’t know what this means?” He pushes up and lets his tongue trace the black outline of the tattoo. I soak in the feeling of his mouth on me, on any part of me.
“They told me it meant ‘happy’. I went to a shitty shop by my school and had it done when I was drunk. Two weeks later I went to a new place, met the artist that inked the rest of me, and he informed me it most definitely did not mean ‘happy’ and that he wasn’t sure if it meant anything.” I’m trying my hardest not to laugh, but the look on Eddie’s face is priceless.
“You never thought to cover it?!” His laugh is addicting, and soon we are both in a fit of laughs.
“No!” I manage between gasps for air. “Dave won’t do it until I have something meaningful to cover it with.”
Eddie stops laughing and looks at me, smiling, bewildered, and honestly he’s the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.
“Dave?”
“My tattoo artist. Why? You looking for a new one? I think you have some blank spots that need filling.” I grin and wag my eyebrows at him, causing yet another fit of laughter.
Maybe it’s all the stress from tonight falling off of us, but this is the best night I’ve had in a while, and it has everything to do with the company. We fell into such an easy pattern together, throwing jabs at each other, laughing together,
“Dave at Iron Tiger? Down the street from the bar?” The question stuns me. He knows Dave?
“You know Dave?”
“He’s the only man that’s ever inked me. I don’t trust anyone else.” His eyes glow, his smile genuine. What a small world.
“He’s pretty good. That’s crazy!” I laugh and start inspecting his work.
“Fuck yea he is. Man, that’s... how did I not ever see you there before?”
I shrug and can’t answer him. I don’t know. I always make the first appointment in the day, just because of working the bar at night, so our schedules probably have never meshed.
We spend the rest of the night lying together in bed, talking about the stories behind our tattoos, learning of each other’s pasts. The good, the bad, and the ugly, we talk about it all. Hearing stories of his childhood breaks my heart, but I want to hear them all. The worst is that he has no clue where his sister is to this day. I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t find my brother. He laughs at the thought of me being a school teacher, and I have to agree. I finally find out what he does for a living, and it shocks the shit out of me.
“You? A computer nerd?!” I laugh more. God, my face is hurting from all the laughing tonight.
“What? Never judge a book by its cover, Ms. Sorority over there,” he jokes. He’s right, neither of us look like who we are or who we used to be.
Looking over at the clock, it’s almost two in the morning and I’m beat. Trying to hide my yawn in the pillow, Eddie laughs at me.
“We need to sleep.” He yawns, which sets me off again, which makes him laugh, then I start laughing. God, we’re insane!
“Right. Sleep actually sounds wonderful.”
Pulling the covers over me, I watch him get out of bed and can’t rip my eyes off of him. His muscles ripple as he pulls his t-shirt off, making the newest addition to his ink move with his arms. Angel wings. That’s perfect.
“I like that,” I whisper. He turns his head and looks at me confused. “Your wings. They are beautiful.”
He looks down, suddenly growing quieter than he had been all night.
“It’s for my mom. Her name was Angela... when I was a kid I always thought it was Angel. Now she’s my angel.” He shrugs and smiles at me. Angela. Those are the letters I saw on him our first night sleeping in the same bed.
“It’s beautiful, Eddie. Now come on... I’m cold!” I wiggle under the blankets, waiting for him to warm me up so we can finally get some sleep.
When he finally comes to bed, wearing just as little of clothing as I had on, I know I made the right choice in staying with him. Sure, he’s had a tough life, but he’s made something of himself. He’s done more with his life than I have with mine, and I was handed everything as a kid. His arm comes around me, pulling my back side into him. He growls into my ear and pushes a little more into me, setting every part of me on fire immediately. I take a deep breath, about ready to scold him that at this rate we will never get any sleep, when I hear his soft snores in my ear.