Fighting Silence (32 page)

“Well, yes. Most of it. However, it could still be quite costly. There are programs that can help patients who can’t afford the procedure.”

“It’s not the money,” Slate chimed in from behind me. “He knows I’d pay for it.”

Till lifted the pen to write again, but I stole the paper before he had the chance.

“Talk,” I demanded, and he narrowed his eyes at me. “Why won’t you get the implant?”

He just shook his head, so I turned to the doctor.

“What’s the catch here?”

“I’ll step out for a minute so you all can discuss this alone.” He walked from the room, leaving me even more confused and irritated than ever.

I took a deep breath and picked the paper up.

What is going on? What am I missing? You could hear again! This doesn’t have to be permanent!!!!!!!
I nearly broke the pen as I forcefully added each exclamation point.

Till’s eyes flashed to Slate, who was looming behind me. I had no idea what the hell was going on, but I honestly didn’t care. There was only one thing that mattered.

You’re getting the implant,
I scrawled definitively.

Till finally found his voice in the tone of an angry snarl. “No!”

“Why. Not?” I growled right back at him.

“Because he can’t box anymore with the implant,” Slate said, unleashing the venomous snake of truth into the room, before stalking out and slamming the door.

Oh. My. God.

You would rather fight than hear?
I tilted my head, incredulous.

His answer was a shrug that apparently said it all.

The tension was thick as Eliza drove us home from the hospital. I could feel the anger radiating off her, but she didn’t once leave my side. She did, however, put the pen and paper back in her purse, effectively ending any further conversation. She might not have communicated, but she’d held my hand when the doctor had come back in and scheduled a follow-up appointment for the next day. He’d filled a bag with books and pamphlets, including a schedule for sign language courses at the local community center.

It was so fucking surreal.

When we walked through the door to our apartment, the boys both jumped off the couch. Quarry’s mouth was moving a million miles a minute, and just the sight wrenched my chest. Flint quickly elbowed him to make him shut up. They both stared at me, just as unsure of how to react as I was. So I tossed them a forced smile and headed to my room. I could see the concern in Flint’s eyes as I passed him, so I reached out and punched him in the shoulder. It was playful and hard, but judging by his face, it wasn’t comforting in the least.

Normal. I just needed things to feel normal even if they didn’t sound it.

I flipped off the light and fell into bed. My mind was all over the place while trying to figure out how the hell I was going to function with my new existence. I was pissed at myself for not having prepared better for this day. I knew it was coming; I just hadn’t expected it to be so soon.

After a half hour, I got bored of being alone and went to find Eliza. She was probably still mad at me, but I could live with that as long as she was at my side.

I found her sitting on the couch, surrounded on both sides. Flint sat on one side with his elbows on his knees and his head cradled in his hands as Eliza scratched his back. Quarry was on the other side tucked under her arm. His body was stiff as if he didn’t want the physical sympathy, but his head was resting on her shoulder as if he’d never needed anything more. Tears were running from his eyes.

Jesus.
Quarry.
He had gotten so big recently that, sometimes, I forgot that he was still just a twelve-year-old kid who faced my same fate.

When I cleared my throat, they all looked up. Q immediately began drying his eyes and looking away. I casually strolled over to the couch and ruffled his hair. He hated it when I did that, but this time, he didn’t squirm. Using both hands, I signaled for them to part the sea and make room for me. Squeezing between Flint and Eliza, I tossed my arms over the back of the couch and roughly dragged them all in for a group hug. Their heads clinked together, and I was sure they all groaned, but I wanted to keep it light. However, those three seconds when my entire life was secure in my arms would be etched into my memory for all of eternity. Tomorrow didn’t seem so scary when I was on that couch with them.

We sat uncomfortably squished together for several hours. As far as I knew, no one said anything. We were all lost in our own imagination of what the future would hold. The sun was starting to peek through the window when Eliza nudged me and pointed down to Q, who was asleep on her shoulder. I glanced over to Flint, who was also racked out, his head flopped back and his mouth hanging open. It was time to put the entire day to rest. I scooped Q off her lap then carried him to bed. Flint sleepily stumbled into the room after me, and Eliza leaned against the doorjamb, watching me toss the blankets over them both.

It wasn’t picture perfect. Half of Flint’s body hung off the twin-sized bed, and Quarry’s head was twisted in a way that would cause him to be sore for a week. I was deaf, yet Eliza was still smiling.

It was all wrong.

But right then, it felt exactly right.

After quietly closing the door, I led her down the hall to our bedroom. We collapsed against the cool sheets, exhausted by the evening but miles away from being able to find any rest. I held her close as she doodled my eyes. Then I gave up watching the fluid movement of her hand across the paper and started watching her face.

Her eyes squinted with every curve, and her mouth twitched the moment she started the elongated strokes I knew to be my lashes. She never once glanced up to study my eyes; she knew them from memory.

My attention was drawn away when she lifted the pad into my line of sight.

Talk to me,
she had drawn in big bubble letters across the paper.

I shook my head and then slid down to rest on the pillow, facing her.

He’s afraid.

I grabbed the pencil from her hand.
Who?

I started to hand it back, but she grabbed another off the nightstand.

Quarry,
she wrote
.

He’ll be okay.

Not if you shut down, he won’t.
She gave me an impatient look.

I couldn’t say that she was wrong. Hell, I knew she was right, even though I wanted to pretend she wasn’t.

I’ll try.

Then talk to me.

“Please,” she mouthed. Her chin quivered, and her nostrils flared.

Jesus, she was fighting hard, which was everything I absolutely
wasn’t
doing.

I opened my mouth, but not a single sound came out—at least not to my ears.

“Do I sound weird? Like a deaf person?”

She gave me a huge smile that made sounding ridiculous completely worth it. Tears pooled in her eyes as she quickly shook her head and said, “No.” In big letters, she wrote,
You still sound like MY Till. But you were always weird, so maybe the answer should be yes.

I watched as her mouth opened and her chest shook with laughter. It damn near killed me to know that I was missing the sound that should have accompanied it.

You need to talk to them tomorrow. Show them that it’s still you.

“Okay.”

But maybe quieter. You’re yelling.

“Shit. Sorry,” I replied, trying to speak softly even though I had no idea how to gauge my volume.

Better.
She smiled.
Now talk to me about why you won’t get the implant.

I guess there was no beating around the bush.

“Doodle, I don’t know. I have to fight. I don’t have anything outside of that ring.”

That’s not true at all and you know it.
You have me and the boys.

“That’s exactly it! I
have
you and the boys. And I finally found something I can make enough money at to provide for all of you. I’m not giving that up. I can’t! I just
can’t!
” I was sure I was yelling, but I couldn’t stop.

Two days ago, I’d made fifty grand in fifteen minutes That was more than I’d made in two years working my ass off. I couldn’t go back to the struggle just to keep food on the table—not even to hear again.

I’m not asking you to give it up, Till. I just want to understand your reasons. I didn’t even know the implant was a possibility until today. You never talk to me about this stuff.

“I only found out a few years ago—back when I’d
never
have been able to come up with the money for it. But honestly, I don’t want to think about it, Eliza. Not with you.”

Fantasy?

“It’s kinda my thing.” I smiled sheepishly.

Her mouth began to move, and I just blinked at her. I watched her bite out the word, “Shit,” before going back to the paper.

How about you just make us your thing?

“I can do that. But I can’t get that implant,” I announced again.

She bit her lip and rolled away.

“Look at me.” I flipped her back over, and the expected tears were already present.

“Did you know that Slate thinks he can get me a fight in a few months for double what I made the other night? That’s a hundred thousand dollars, Doodle. Think about it. If I win that one, who knows! We could be millionaires by the end of the year.”

She wasn’t impressed and rolled her eyes

“I’m serious. It could happen.”

She forcefully scribbled on the paper,
It’s just money!

“No, it’s not!” I roared, jumping off the bed. “It’s a life. It’s security. It’s being able to provide for you. It’s being able to send Flint to college and pay to get Quarry to the best doctors so he never has to experience
this shit.
It’s buying you a home and a car, maybe a whole fucking studio where you can sit and draw for the rest of your life. Fuck accounting! You hate it.” The more I spoke, the angrier I became. I wasn’t mad at her. I just fucking hated reality. “It’s more than money! It’s being able to make babies with you and not having to bust my ass at a job I hate when all I truly want to be doing is sitting on that fucking couch”—I pointed to the living room—“with
our family.

“Do you have any idea how it feels for a man to not be able to provide for his
family?
It’s crippling! Don’t make me feel guilty for making this choice. Damn it, I’m doing it for all of us. If it means you guys are taken care of, I will sit in silence for the rest of my fucking life.”

By the time I finished, tears were streaming from her eyes. She didn’t want me to suffer—I understood that. This was my life though. Suffering was a guarantee. Security was not.

“Okay.”

I read her lips as she rose to her knees and wrapped her arms around my waist. Then I held her, smoothing her hair until I was able to calm down.

I cupped both sides of her face and studied her eyes. “Okay? That was too easy.”

Her response was nothing more than a shrug.

As we crawled back in bed, I took her mouth in a gentle kiss. It didn’t grow any deeper, but it was there for comfort, nothing else.

Eliza pulled away first and grabbed her notebook.

I have two conditions.

I rolled my eyes, but she ignored me.

Swear to me, that the minute your boxing career is over, you will get the implant.

“You know Slate didn’t retire until he was thirty-three,” I teased.

I don’t care if you are three hundred. Promise. Me.

“I can’t box at three hundred!” I laughed, and she narrowed her eyes. “Okay. Fine. I promise. Just give me ten years.”

“Ten. Years?” She gave me a sad-puppy-dog face that made me laugh harder. God, it
felt
good.

“Maybe more.” I grazed her jaw with my teeth before looking back at her paper. “And number two?”

The Page family is officially enrolling in sign language classes. All of us.

“The Page family, huh?” My smile grew painfully wide. “You’re a Page now?”

Well, not legally. You know I’m still married to Justin Timberlake.

I laughed then snatched the pad from her hands. “Then send my apologies to Justin, because I’m about to fuck his wife.”

The sparkle of humor vanished from her eyes, but longing and desire appeared just as quickly.

“Are you sure?” She over-enunciated so I could read her lips.

“Uhh . . .” I quirked my eyebrow in confusion. I was always sure when it came to her. “Please don’t tell me deaf people can’t have sex,” I joked and pulled her shirt over her head. “I just want things to feel normal, Eliza. And the normal I want to feel tonight is you coming against my cock while I empty inside you.”

A shy smile crept onto her mouth, but her hands boldly slid over my cock, which was thickening in my jeans.

I couldn’t get my clothes off fast enough.

It started out slow, with me kneeling beside her, watching my fingers as I glided them in and out. She lazily stroked my shaft and watched me, watching her.

I licked over her breasts; she raked her nails over my back.

I was into it. Completely. But as I guided myself inside her, her head fell back in pleasure and it was as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. There wasn’t a single noise to accompany it.