Authors: Harper Bentley
“I’m gonna kill him! Biggest mouth this side of the Illinois and he keeps
this
from me!”
I chuckle at her but then begin thinking about what Ross just said.
Jag’s been in town for almost a week and he hasn’t called? I mean, I’d like to think if something big like that happened with me, I’d at least have the courtesy to call and let him know no matter where we stood.
“I can’t believe he didn’t even call
and let me know…” I mutter.
“Or if your boyfriend,” she yells
boyfriend
so Ross can hear her, “knows but he doesn’t have the decency,” she yells
decency
too, “to tell you!”
“What am I gonna do?” I ask.
“Nothing,” she answers immediately.
“Nothing?”
“Yeah, nothing. You just go on living your life as if he’s not here, okay? If he didn’t think it necessary to let you know, then he doesn’t exist for you,” she says.
“Uh…”
“El, I’ve got your back on this, okay? I know what I’m talking about.”
“Okay…”
I hope I can do this. I guess as long as I keep ignoring the news (since I don’t watch it and I didn’t even know about this flippin’ trade in the first place), it’ll all be good.
Maybe
.
Jag
“Great as always, Mom
, Starr,” I say.
We just finished Thanksgiving dinner and my mom and sister always know how to do it up right.
“Uncle Jag! Will you come outside and throw with me?” my almost thirteen-year-old nephew Finn asks.
“Me
too!” my niece Lark who’s ten adds.
“Girls can’t throw,” Finn mumbles.
“Can too! I can throw better than you!”
“No way.
”
“Yes way!” Lark yells
and I chuckle as I stand up from the table.
“Both of you
grab a mitt from the hall closet and we’ll put it to the test. Chad? Wanna come along?” I ask my brother-in-law.
“Hell no. They put me in the middle of things all the time. I’m tired of being a referee. Go for it,” he says giving me a thumbs up
as he plops down on the couch to watch some football.
Lark race
s to the closet and starts digging then shoves Finn as he reaches over her and grabs a mitt. He flicks her on the forehead with his finger, which makes her holler that he hit her, which causes my sister to yell at him about not hitting girls. He turns and shakes his head, rolling his eyes at me, and I chuckle. When they finally get their gear, we go out to the front yard and I get my mitt and a baseball out of the back of my Camaro.
“Finn, you stand over there. Lark
, there,” I point out so we form a triangle then we start playing catch. My arm’s a little tight, but I’ve started working on throwing some in the training room, nothing big, just having a ball in my hand and the motion of throwing with no speed behind it, so it feels okay. Plus, Isaac’s told me I should start working on the throwing motion outside of the training room, so I’m thinking this should be good for me. As we continue, I tell them both they’re good and Finn rolls his eyes again knowing I’m only telling Lark that so she won’t throw a tantrum. Not that she’s not good, but he’s definitely better.
“Told you I was better,” Lark says and sticks her tongue out at her brother
. Then I guess since she got her validation from me, she’s now grown tired of throwing and pulls her gloves out of her pockets and starts building a snowman.
“Whatever,” Fin
n says and zings one straight into my glove.
“Good!” I tell him.
Damn. The kid’s got some talent.
“I wanna be a pitcher just like you, Uncle Jag,” he says shyly as he catches my throw.
I raise my eyebrows and poke out my bottom lip
surprised. “Yeah?” And I have to admit it’s pretty cool that he wants to be like me.
“Yeah. I
wanna be rich and get all the hot babes.” He throws another cutter and I’m impressed with how he handles the ball.
I snort. Yeah, I’ve got
all
the hot babes. There’s only one hot babe I want but I’m not so sure she wants me. And because I’m a wimpy-assed motherfucker, I haven’t even gotten hold of her to let her know I’m back in town, and the longer I wait, the harder it gets to even think of contacting her.
But I know the real reason
I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to hear the obligatory, “I need to tell you I’m dating someone,” speech from her because it’d break me. So, by ignoring it all, it means it doesn’t exist.
Yep. Wimp.
“Hm,” I mumble and throw him the ball.
“You went out with Ariana Evans, right? She
was in the movie
Scared 3
. She’s freakin’
hot!
I saw your picture with her in
People.
Mom said it wasn’t real, but I could tell it was. I mean, you only go out with famous pretty girls, right, Uncle Jag?”
I frown at that. “El’s not famous,” I tell him.
“Yeah, but you broke up with her because you were dating that supermodel. I saw you in those commercials and you were in a picture with her in
Us
.”
What the fuck?
“C’mere, Finn,” I say.
He walks over and I
put an arm around his shoulders as I lean back against my Camaro. “I didn’t date Ariana or Alessandra. Matter of fact, Alessandra was so jealous of El that she did some bad things and that’s what broke us up. And now I wanna get back together with El, but it’s complicated. So if you’re wanting to play in the pros, right off the bat, you’ve gotta stop believing what’s in those stupid magazines. It’s all lies.”
Just
then, I spot El’s car coming down the street leaving her parents’ after having Thanksgiving dinner, and my heart starts beating like crazy. This is my chance. I’ll wave her over and finally get to talk to her. But as the car gets closer, I see that a man’s driving and I squint to make out who it is. As they pass by, he gives me a head nod. And I’ll be damned. Fucking Austin Eddington. My new teammate I met last Monday.
Finn sees them
too and waves then looks back at me and says, “That’s Austin Eddington! I saw him close on the Braves last year and get the save! He’s good!” He looks at me, tilting his head to the side. “So it’s a lie that Ellen’s dating Ed? Because I just saw a picture of them on a magazine when I was at the grocery store with Mom yesterday.”
I’ll fucking kill him.
I’
m sitting at the VIP bar in Stacked. I’m
on my third scotch and already feeling pretty good. Yeah, yeah, I turned to alcohol again. But I’m hurting so much right now, I need something to dull the pain, something so I can’t feel myself dying inside, and since I don’t do illegal drugs, alcohol will have to do. Sue me.
“
Jag, think you might wanna slow down some?” Tyler asks.
“Fuck no. I’m just getting started,” I reply and down what’s left in my
glass then signal to the guy behind the counter for a refill.
After I saw El drive by with her new flame, I
told Finn I had to leave, got in my Camaro, called Tyler and Ross and we’d been here about thirty minutes. Well, we’re still waiting on Ross.
“Fuck,”
Tyler says then takes a sip of his whiskey.
“You know what’s really fucked up?” I ask and before he can say anything, I continue. “I can’t even take my fucking anger out on anything. I can’t bash that asshole’s face in because I’ll tear up my goddamn
ed arm again, which will end my fucking career and then where the fuck would I be? You know, this being a mature, fucking adult is fucking ridiculous.”
He
chuckles. “Yeah, man, it does suck a little.”
“I just met the son of a bitch the other day and he’s going out with my woman,” I
say. “Who the fuck goes out with someone else’s woman?”
“I don’t know,”
he answers with a shrug.
“No way can I be on the same fucking team with him.
I just don’t see how it’ll work. I can just see it. I get healthy, I’m throwing my usual ninety-five-mile-an-hour fastball, he steps up to the plate during practice and I bean the shit out of him. Then he’s in a coma for the rest of his life and El’s mad at me for putting him there and then we all die.”
Tyler laughs again. “That pretty much covers it.”
Ross finally makes it and joins us at the bar.
“What took so long?” I ask.
“Had to go by Mom and Dad’s. Ate at Bec’s then swung by their house for dessert.”
I remember when I had to do that shit. I run a hand through my hair. God, when did I become such a depressed asshole? Ross orders a bourbon and we move to a table.
“So, you saw him?” Ross asks carefully.
“Yeah, I saw him. What was she trying to do? Show off her shiny, new toy
to me? Is that what that shit was all about?” I ask.
Ross shrugs. He and I still haven’t quite gotten past his keeping the douche bag a secret from me. That was huge, and i
t still pisses me off that he hadn’t said anything.
“Maybe it’s nothing,” Tyler says. “I mean, how serious can they be if they just started dating. I think you need to get in there, man. Nip this shit in the bud before she starts falling for him.”
I stand. “Yeah, that’s what I need to do.”
Tyler stands and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Not right now, Jag. You don’t wanna go to her sloppy drunk, do you?”
I think for a few seconds. “No, I guess not,” I say and sit down. See? I’m not so drunk that I’m incapable of reasoning.
“I talked to Bec
about it tonight,” Ross says and now he has my full attention. “I asked her about this guy, how serious they are…”
I stare at him waiting for him to continue. Ah, Jesus. Is he hesitating because they
are
serious?
“Has she
slept with him?” I ask and rub a hand over my chest waiting for the stab to my heart.
“No,” he reassures me.
Well, thank God for that. I open my eyes and look at him then at Tyler and let out a breath.
“But you need to talk to her soon. Bec says they’ve, uh, they’ve…”
Fuck.
“They’ve what?” I ask even though I really don’t want to know.
“They’ve had some pretty hot make-out sessions.”
“Twist the fucking knife,” I mumble and down what’s left in my glass.
At least he’s sharing with me now and I decide I liked it better when he kept quiet. I’m suddenly so fucking tired and all I want to do is go the fuck home. I stand and say, “Well, this has been a productive evening. I’m out,” then I turn to walk away.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,” Tyler says, standing and grabbing me by the shoulder. “I don’t think so, buddy.”
I frown at him. “Why?”
“You’re drunk, man. I’ll give you a ride home. Ross’ll follow in your car.”
“You’re good friends,” I tell them and I mean it.
The room is spinning as I lie in bed and
stare at the ceiling. The thought of El kissing another man sobered me up pretty quickly. I mean, why didn’t I even think about that happening? When I found out she’d gone on a date with another guy, I didn’t even consider that she’d kiss him. I guess it’s because I’d never do that to her. I may not be perfect, I know I’m a dick most of the time, but if I were to kiss another woman (passionately, not the bullshit that happened on the commercial with Alessandra), it’d mean El and I were over, that I was moving on. And I don’t want to move on. I want her back.
I get up and go in the living room and stand in front of floor-to-ceiling windows looking out at the city. Since I’m naked, I’m hoping there’s not some skeezy photographer waiting to get a picture of me to put in some tabloid
, but since I’m on the eightieth floor, I’m not too worried about it, but I still wouldn’t put it past them. God. I’ve been burned so much with all that shit. It didn’t take long to figure out that the paparazzi will do anything for a buck.
I
think about El with Eddington. She’s kissed him. Okay. I can deal with that. Then my head goes to places I don’t want it to and I let out a groan as I rub my hands over my face. Is he with her right now? Is he fucking her this very moment?
I
pull at my hair as I picture it all.
“Goddamn it!” I yell.
I realize now the only thing that’s been keeping me going is knowing that she and I will be together again. But now, well, now I’m not so certain. And if I lose my hope, I’ll have nothing left and I know my life will become a vast cavern of shit.
But then I look
out on the city, at how beautiful it is all lit up and think maybe there’s goodness out there after all. And I know I can’t give up on us.
Why have I been so passive in this, I stand there and
wonder, but I think I know the answer, although as a man, I hate admitting it. She hurt me badly when she didn’t believe that I didn’t do anything with Alessandra; that shit cut me deep. She didn’t trust me and we all know you can’t be with someone when you lose their trust.
And
now I’ve just been content, for lack of a better word, to let things ride. Well, not anymore. I’ve been waiting around for some fucking miracle to happen or something, like the hands of fate were going to mystically push me to El where I’d ask her to take me back, she would without hesitation and then we’d live happily ever after. What the hell have I been thinking?
I decide I’m going to have to talk to her, but
I don’t even know where she works. Never thought to ask. That shit’s changing now.
Turning to go back to bed, I
decide that tomorrow I’m going to make a move in the right direction in getting her back.
No way am I
giving up on us.
E
l
I can’t stop crying.
When will this stop. I can’t take it anymore.
I lie in bed Thanksgiving night sobbing. I’d just seen Jag earlier out in his parents’ front yard talking to his nephew. His niece was building a snowman and it all looked so normal. So traditional. So ordinary. And I wasn’t a part of it. Not anymore.