I still remember Derrick’s accident like it was yesterday. It was three years ago on July 24th. After dinner, Derrick took me to a bar where all of my friends had surprised me. Everyone was there that night, celebrating us, sharing the good time with us, and honestly, it was the best night of our lives. I was young, happy and more importantly, I was in love.
The night started off wonderful. Derrick hadn’t been giving in to the urge to drink, but things changed pretty damn quick. I was standing by Sierra and Nick—Sierra’s boyfriend of the week when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a young woman with long brown hair leaning into Derrick by the bar. I heard Sierra and Nick talking but I couldn’t fully register what they were saying.
The girl’s gestures, along with her laughs, became flirtatious the more I watched the two of them. Their bodies acted like they were comfortable with each other, like they knew each other in a way which was more intimate than friends.
My heart fell to my stomach and my chest constricted on point. The girl placed her hand on Derrick’s chest and leaned in to kiss his cheek softly. I was frozen. I couldn’t move, nor breathe for that matter. I watched him whisper something secretive in her ear while she giggled loudly, this time placing both hands on his chest.
I watched Derrick look around the bar, scouting for anyone who could see the two of them. Little did he know, even though Sierra was blocking me from his view, I had a clear view of what happened next. He leaned down and stole a kiss from the girl before taking her hand and leading her out the door.
Sierra hadn’t seemed to notice my face fall in front of her. I quickly cut her off, excusing myself so I could follow Derrick and the mystery girl.
I parted the crowd as I stalked toward the door I knew held our fate in its hands. Pushing it open, I scanned the dimly lit parking lot for any sign of him, but there was none. My palms were sweating and my chest was aching with the need to just breathe. I couldn’t do it. My heart wouldn’t allow it because deep down, I think I knew something was very wrong.
After walking around aimlessly for a good five minutes, I gave up and headed back into the bar. I saw Derrick standing at the bar again chatting to the bartender, but this time he was alone. Was I seeing shit? Was I so nervous about marrying him that I was subconsciously looking for a reason to leave him?
I walked toward him thinking I was losing my mind when once again, my eyes confirmed what had happened. I saw the girl dancing in a group of people who I assumed to be her friends. She was real. It really had happened.
My feet moved quicker until I stood directly in front of him. He was sipping a glass of dark liquid I instantly knew as bourbon. I knew the smell. The smell consumed me on a daily basis for the past year. I knew its taste and I definitely knew its color.
“What the hell are you doing, Derrick!” I shouted at him.
He looked at me calmly, placing his glass down on the bar.
“It’s one drink, Cal. Calm down.”
“One drink? You’re not supposed to be drinking anything!”
“I’m not an alcoholic, Cal! I can have a damn drink! I can enjoy one drink before I never drink it again!”
I looked at the female bartender as she gave me a nervous glance and that’s all it took to know he was lying. She pitied me because she knew the truth. I needed to know the truth for myself.
“Can we close out the tab please?”
Her head shook yes but it was a nervous movement. She was nervous about giving me the truth.
“Cal! This is ridiculous! We’ve been here for two hours and you’re already closing out the tab?”
We stared at each other, seeing which of us would break first, but I won. Derrick threw his hands up in defeat, telling the bartender to indeed close the tab. I watched her tap away on her register until a long white paper receipt printed out. Before she could hand it to him, I grabbed it out of her hand and read down the list of drinks on it.
I counted each bourbon on the rocks, which there were six of them. He had been drinking the entire night. He lied, which led me to my next argument.
“Not only have you been drinking all night, but you had the nerve to bring that shitty fake I.D. when you’re supposed to be quitting! We agreed to leave them at home! You don’t see mine here, do you? And after all of that, you have the nerve to flirt with that girl in front of me! You’ve got to be kidding! Why would I ever agree to marry you when you’re a liar and a cheater?”
The entire bar was watching us fight. Sierra had made it to my side, where she held my hand in hers supportively.
He leaned into my space, his nose almost touching mine in an effort to take the attention off of us.
“We’re not doing this here, Cal. Let’s go home and talk about this,” he seethed at me.
I hated all the unwanted attention from the crowd as much as he did and I think at that point, I wanted to talk about this alone as well.
“Fine. Give me your keys. I’m driving,” I snapped, holding my hand out.
His nostrils flared and I knew immediately the old Derrick had come back with vengeance. He was pissed because I was calling him out for being drunk.
“I’m fine. I can fucking drive Callie. I’ve done it a thousand times.”
He spun on his heel and stormed out of the bar where I followed on his heels.
“Derrick! Give me the damn keys! You can’t drive! You’re not invincible!”
We had made it to the car, and when Derrick got in the driver’s seat, I knew I wouldn’t win this battle. We had this fight every time we went out and he was drinking.
I’m not sure why I didn’t fight him harder, but I let him start the car and pull out into traffic. It was a mistake. I sat in the passenger seat fully sober, when we crashed into a large SUV. I remember knowing something bad would happen. It was as if for a moment, I could see the future. The moment the two cars collided, I recall picturing myself walking down the aisle on my wedding day. An odd thing to see, but I guess crazy shit happens when you think you're going to die. You know the saying your life flashes before your eyes? I guess in this case, the saying was true.
In the vision, my dad was by my side dressed in his black and teal tuxedo, a grin stretched from ear to ear with pride. It was an expression on him I'll never forget. Seeing my father so happy I was getting married was a blessing on its own. A blessing I hope to still experience someday. Sierra was my maid of honor, looking just as beautiful as she would on her own wedding day. The bridesmaid dresses I had chosen, a beautiful hue of teal, accented her dark skin. They matched the guys’ suits, and the length of the dresses hit the church floor. Everyone in the Calla Lily filled room was beaming with happiness for Derrick and me, or so I thought. When I got to the altar, my nerves spiked, and my heartbeat sped up. I couldn't believe this was it. Derrick and I would finally be together for the rest of our lives. Then Derrick lifted my veil and my line of sight was directed toward his handsome face I loved more than anything in the world. However, when my eyes met his, Derrick wasn't there. It was different. He was different. My loving Derrick wasn't the man I was marrying. It was a face I had never seen before.
I repeated the
vision
to Dr. Finn a thousand times and, still, she and I never figured out who the man at the altar was. She asked me to describe him, but I couldn't. I still can't. I remember everything else about it, every small detail, down to what type of flowers were there, but I can't recall him.
During the accident, I had my seatbelt on so I had minimal injuries. I made it out alive with only a few bruised ribs, some cuts, and a massive amount of scrapes. I also made it out with some serious emotional issues as well. However, Derrick didn't have his seatbelt on. He never wore one and that night, something as little as not wearing a seatbelt cost him his life. He was thrown from the vehicle and ended up dying on impact. I scrambled out of the car, hearing the screams of the woman driving the SUV. I couldn't see anything except Derrick on the road. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, I couldn't even cry at first. The other driver was the one whose screaming polluted every inch of my mind and body that night. The sight of Derrick lying across the dark road was so gruesome I didn't even think it was him at first. When I got close enough to see it was indeed him, I found my voice and my tears. I screamed and cried until I had no voice left. I cried until my tear ducts were dry. I wouldn't leave the scene despite the pleas of my parents and Sierra. The police had to put handcuffs on me in order to make me leave and I still fought them tooth and nail. Something that fucked up has a way of staying with a young mind, and it never left me alone for a minute.
The guilt still hangs over me. I don't think it will ever go away. I've stayed away from dating since that night. Living in a small town, everyone associated me with Derrick’s death. The town heard about my mental state, as they refer to it, and that being said, no one wants to end up alone with the crazy girl. I was a complete loner for the past three years and surprisingly, I was okay with it.
In two days, I'll be far away from this place, heading to Boston to attend college. The fall semester starts Monday, and if I'm being honest here, I'm ready to get the hell out of this place. I chose to major in Business since I studied it for a year anyways.
I pull into the driveway of my parent’s massive house and sit inside the car for a minute before hopping out as usual. I stare at the house I've been occupying for what feels like the last time. Their house is something you'd expect to see in the suburbs, but instead, it's placed in the middle of nowhere. It's a three story contemporary home that includes an in-ground pool, a four room guest house, a theater room, and a game room which runs the length of the entire house. When my father brought me here for the first time, I hated it. I hated its stupid white paint job and the brown wooden shutters that sit aside each window. I could already tell then this house would change everything for our family, and it did.
After reminiscing about the house I've grown to hate, I step out and make my way inside the glass front door and up to my bedroom. I look around at my belongings all packed in boxes, taped up, and ready to be loaded into the moving truck tomorrow. I take a deep calming breath. This is it. My fresh start. My chance to start over and find myself.
Sierra is driving down from Boston with her boyfriend, Evan, to help me load everything. She's been waiting for my freedom almost as long as I have. I can’t thank her enough for letting me move into her three-bedroom apartment where she and Evan live.
Hearing my phone ringing on my nightstand across the room, I make a dash for it, tripping over clutter. I smile, seeing it’s Sierra calling.
"Hey!" she shouts.
I can hear music playing in the background. It's so loud that my ears are ringing, which doesn’t surprise me. Sierra listens to music with the decibels of a nightclub at all hours.
"You there?" I ask, speaking a little louder this time. I hear a rustling noise before she replies.
"You all ready to go?" she yells into the phone, causing me to pull the phone back from my ear. Once my hearing returns back to normal, I answer her excitedly. She doesn’t understand how ready I am.
"I'm more than ready! You still coming Friday?" I hear her voice get small as she speaks.
"Actually Cal, there was a slight change of plans..."
Crap
.
A sad feeling works its way through my body and my head lowers down to find my hands.
"You're not coming?" I ask anxiously. It's not like I need her to pack up all my shit into the truck, but having her and Evan’s extra hands would definitely make things easier on my muscles. The fact they’re bringing the moving truck is also a big help.
The doorbell chimes downstairs suddenly.
"Sierra, hold on. Someone's at the door."
I walk downstairs and look out the window next to the front door, but I can't see anyone. Being less than five feet in height is always a challenge regardless of the situation. I unlock the deadbolt, cracking the door to see out it.
"Surprise!" I hear.
I have to blink twice to make sure my eyes aren't playing tricks on me. In front of me stands Sierra in the flesh, practically ripping the front door open to get me. She pulls me into a bear hug, and I try to find my words. I honestly thought she wouldn’t make it by the way she was talking a few minutes ago. I thought I would get stuck packing a moving truck all by myself, and that would have sucked, majorly.
I toss my phone on the end table near the door, stepping over the threshold and hugging my best friend back tight. I missed her. Even though we talk almost every day, talking to someone on the phone, and having the real living thing in front of you, is entirely different.
"I thought you weren't coming!" I squeal in excitement as we both jump up and down in unison.
This is what I need. My best friend who can help me get a fresh start. A chance to put everything bad behind me. No worries, no overbearing parents, no more wondering who is giving me a dirty look when I walk through town. No one will know what happened unless I want to tell them, and that's what I'm betting on.
"Did you really think I wouldn’t come here for you? I've been waiting for you to get out of the loony bin for years now, bitch." I laugh and give her a small push on the shoulder.