Finding Audrey (13 page)

‘Of course it does!’ I say before I can stop myself.

‘Of course?’ She instantly picks me up on it. ‘
Of course?
’

OK, I fell into that one.
Of course
is the kind of phrase that makes Dr Sarah’s nose twitch like a shark scenting blood. That and
I have to
.

‘Audrey, do you know what Linus is thinking?’

‘No,’ I say reluctantly.

‘You don’t sound sure about that. Audrey, can you see into people’s heads?’

‘No.’

‘Are you gifted with super-powers? Is this something I should know about you?’

‘No.’ I hold up my hands. ‘OK. I get it. I was mind-reading.’

‘You were mind-reading.’ She nods. ‘You have no idea what Linus is thinking. It could be good, it could be bad. Most likely, it’s nothing at all. He’s a boy. You’d better get used to that.’ Her face crinkles in humour.

‘Right.’ I know she’s trying to make me smile, but I’m too confused. ‘So . . . I should ask him?’

‘I think you should.’ She picks up the whiteboard cloth and rubs out
Linus won’t come over
. In its place, she writes:

‘OK?’ she says when I’ve had a chance to read it.

‘OK.’

‘Good. Then ask him. Let’s make that your homework. Asking Linus.’

The first step is catching Mum in a good mood, when she’s not going to freak out or overreact or anything. I wait till she’s just finished watching an episode of
MasterChef
, then casually sit on the arm of the sofa and say:

‘Mum, I’d like a phone.’

‘A phone?’ She sits up, her eyes wide circles, her mouth open. ‘A
phone
?’

If I’m the Queen of Overreaction, Mum is the Empress.

‘Um, yes. A phone. If that’s OK.’

‘Who are you going to call?’ she demands.

‘I just . . . I don’t know. People.’ I know I sound scratchy, but she makes me scratchy.

‘Which people?’

‘People! Do you, like, need all their names?’

There’s silence, and I know what she’s thinking, because I’m thinking it too. My last phone wasn’t exactly a success. I mean, it was a nice phone. It was a Samsung. But it became like this portal. A kind of toxic portal to . . . all of it. It used to make me quiver with fright, just hearing the buzz of a text, let alone reading it. I don’t know what happened to it. Dad got rid of it.

But I mean, that was then.

That was them.

‘Audrey . . .’ Mum’s face is strained and I feel sorry I’ve ruined her nice evening of
MasterChef
and
Grand Designs
or whatever.

‘It’ll be fine,’ I reassure her.

‘Do you want to call Natalie? Is that it?’

The name
Natalie
makes me shrink away a little. I’m not sure I’m quite ready to talk to Natalie. But nor do I want to give anything away to Mum.

‘Maybe.’ I shrug.

‘Audrey, I don’t know . . .’

I know why Mum’s sensitive on this issue. I mean, believe me, I’m sensitive too. (In fact, I’m
over
-sensitive, which basically the whole world has told me.) But I’m not giving in. I feel resolved on this. I should get a phone.

‘Audrey, be careful. I just . . . I just don’t want you to be . . .’

‘I know.’

I can see a few grey hairs among Mum’s vivid brown highlights. Her skin looks kind of thin. I think all this has aged her.
I’ve
aged her.

‘Dr Sarah would tell me to get the phone,’ I say, to make her feel better. ‘She always says I can text her any time. She says I’ll know when I’m ready. Well, I’m ready.’

‘OK.’ Mum sighs. ‘We’ll get you a phone. I mean, it’s great that you want one, darling. It’s wonderful.’ She puts a hand on mine as though she’s only just seeing the positive side. ‘This is progress!’

‘I haven’t used it yet,’ I remind her. ‘Don’t get too excited.’ I sit properly on the sofa and shift up a bit. ‘What are you watching?’

As I’m moving the cushions around, I see a book nestled in Mum’s lap. It’s entitled
How to Talk to Your Teens
by Dr Terence Kirshenberger.

‘Oh my
God
.’ I pick it up. ‘Mum, what is this?’

Mum flushes pink and grabs it. ‘Nothing. Just some reading matter.’

‘You don’t need a
book
to talk to us!’ I flip through the pages and see lots of lame-looking cartoons, then turn to the back. ‘Twelve ninety-five? You spent twelve ninety-five on this? What does it say? I bet it says, “Your teenager is a person too”.’

‘No, it says, “Give me my book back”.’ Mum grabs the book before I can stop her and sits on it. ‘OK, now, are we watching TV?’

She’s still pink, though, and looks kind of embarrassed. Poor Mum. I can’t believe she spent £12.95 on a book full of crap cartoons.

She read it! She read the £12.95 book!

The reason I know is that on Saturday she suddenly starts talking to Frank at breakfast like she’s speaking a foreign language.

‘So, Frank, I noticed you left two wet towels on the floor of your bedroom yesterday,’ she begins, in weird, calm tones. ‘That made me feel surprised. How did it make you feel?’

‘Huh?’ Frank stares at her.

‘I think we could find a solution to the towel issue together,’ Mum continues. ‘I think that could be a fun challenge.’

Frank looks at me, baffled, and I shrug.

‘What do you think, Frank?’ persists Mum. ‘If you were running this house, what would you advise about towels?’

‘Dunno.’ Frank looks a bit unnerved. ‘Use kitchen towel and chuck it away.’

I can tell Mum is a bit frustrated with that answer, but she keeps on smiling this weird smile. ‘I hear you,’ she says. ‘Interesting idea.’

‘It’s not.’ Frank looks at her suspiciously.

‘Yes it is.’

‘Mum, it’s a stupid idea I invented to piss you off. You can’t say “It’s interesting.”’

‘I hear you.’ Mum nods. ‘I hear you, Frank. I can see your point of view. It’s valid.’

‘I don’t have a point of view!’ Frank snaps. ‘And stop saying “I hear you.”’

‘Mum read a book,’ I tell him. ‘It’s called,
How to Talk to Your Teens
.’

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake.’ Frank rolls his eyes.

‘Do
not
swear, young man!’ Mum snaps straight out of her Stepford Mum mode.

‘Oh, for futtsake!’ chimes in Felix joyfully, and Mum inhales furiously.

‘You see? You see what you did?’

‘Well, stop talking to me like a bloody robot!’ shouts Frank. ‘It’s totally fake.’

‘Bloody robot!’ echoes Felix.

‘That book cost twelve ninety-five,’ I tell Frank, who gives an incredulous laugh.

‘Twelve ninety-five! I could write that book in four words. It would say, “Stop patronizing your teenager”.’

There’s silence. I think Mum’s making an effort not to lose it. From the way she’s crushing her napkin into a tiny ball, I think she’s finding it quite hard. At last she looks up with a smile again.

‘Frank, I understand you’re frustrated with life at the moment,’ she says, in pleasant tones. ‘So I’ve found you some occupations. You can do some jamming with Dad today and next week you’re volunteering.’

‘Volunteering?’ Frank looks taken aback. ‘Like, building huts in Africa?’

‘Making sandwiches for the Avonlea fête.’

Avonlea is the old people’s home in the next street. They have this fête every year and it’s quite fun. You know. For a thing in a garden with old people.

‘Making
sandwiches
?’ Frank looks aghast. ‘You’re joking.’

‘I’ve volunteered our kitchen for the catering. We’re all going to help.’

‘I’m not making bloody sandwiches.’

‘I hear you,’ says Mum. ‘But you are. And don’t swear.’

‘I’m not.’

‘I hear you, Frank,’ says Mum implacably. ‘But you are.’

‘Mum stop it, OK?’

‘I hear you.’

‘
Stop
it.’

‘I hear you.’

‘Stop it! Jesus!’ Frank brings two fists to his head. ‘OK, I’ll make the bloody sandwiches! Now, have you finished ruining my life?’

He swings away from the table and Mum gives a tiny smile.

MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

The camera approaches the garage doors. Inside we find Dad dressed in leathers, holding a guitar connected to a massive amp. Frank is standing nearby, holding a bass, looking dismal.

DAD

(enthusiastically)

So let’s jam. Just play around, have some fun.

He plays a showy guitar riff.

DAD

You know ‘For Her, For Me’?

FRANK

What?

DAD

‘For Her, For Me’. It’s our best-known song.

He looks a little hurt.

DAD

I sent you the link? I have a solo on that track.

He plays another showy guitar riff.

FRANK

Right. Er . . . I don’t know it.

DAD

What do you know?

FRANK

I know the theme tune to
LOC
.

He starts to play it, but Dad shakes his head impatiently.

DAD

We want to play
real
music. OK, we’ll just jam over the chord structure. Keep it simple. Intro – C, E, F, G, chorus in double time – D minor, F, C for two beats, chorus repeats with a G chord for a pickup to go into the verse.

Frank stares at him in panic.

FRANK

What?

DAD

Just feel it. You’ll be fine. A one, a two, a one-two-three-four.

A cacophony of music hits the air as both start playing. Dad starts singing in a screechy voice.

DAD

(sings)

For her . . . for meeeeee . . . Comin’ round again . . .

(shouts above music)

You do backing, Frank.

(sings)

For her, for meeeee . . .

He launches into a solo. Frank stares wildly at the camera and mouths ‘Help’.

MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

Mum is making lunch in the kitchen as Dad enters, all fired up. She looks up.

MUM

So? How was that?

DAD

It was great! We jammed, we bonded . . . I think Frank really enjoyed it.

MUM

Great! Well done!

She gives him a hug.

MY SERENE AND LOVING FAMILY – FILM TRANSCRIPT

INT. 5 ROSEWOOD CLOSE. DAY

Frank sits at the top of the stairs. He addresses the camera.

FRANK

Oh my God. That was the single worst experience of my life.

AUDREY (VOICE-OVER)

No it wasn’t.

FRANK

(scowls)

You don’t know. Maybe it was.

He sags against the banister.

FRANK

Why does Dad want to play old-man rock with me? Why?

AUDREY (V.O.)

To stop you playing computer games.

Frank gives her a dark look.

FRANK

Thanks, Einstein.

AUDREY (V.O.)

I’m just telling you. They want you to have other interests.

FRANK

(explodes)

I don’t want any other interests! What’s wrong with gaming?

AUDREY (V.O.)

I didn’t say anything was wrong with gaming.

FRANK

Gaming develops your reaction times, it helps teamwork and strategy, it teaches you stuff . . .

AUDREY (V.O.)

(sceptically)

It teaches you stuff? What stuff?

FRANK

OK, you want to know? (He counts off on his fingers.)
Minecraft
– architecture.
Sim City
– how to manage a population and budget and shit.
Assassin’s Creed
– ancient Rome and the Borgias and, like . . . Leonardo da Vinci. Everything. All the history I remember comes from
Assassin’s Creed
. None from school. All from gaming.

AUDREY (V.O.)

What have you learned from
LOC
?

FRANK

(grins)

Mostly Korean curse words.

(suddenly shouts)

SHEEBSEKEE!

AUDREY (V.O.)

What does that mean?

FRANK

Use your imagination.

From downstairs, Mum calls.

MUM

Frank! Audrey! Lunch time!

Frank doesn’t even seem to hear.

FRANK

You know, in lots of countries
LOC
is a spectator sport? You know they have arenas?