Finding Chase (Chasing Nikki) (2 page)

He stood in silence, staring while he clenched his jaw. “I’m sorry for what you’ve lost, Chase, but I have to say that sounds like a long, lonely life. You have so much you could offer someone.”

I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair, turning back to the boxes I was assembling. “I don’t want anyone else. I love Nikki.”

“We all do,” Brett said softly. “And I know she loved you more than anything, but it’s been months now. I think she’d want you to be happy.”

The tears crept into my eyes, and I blinked them away before I spoke. “She’s not here to say what she wants, and this conversation is over.”

Chapter Two

“I can have Greg do that, Chase. You don’t need to bother with it right now.”

“It’s not a hardship, Mom. Really.” I grabbed another box from her room and carried it down to my truck.

Her hands were on her hips, and she was glaring when I returned.

“You’re working too much—all the time lately. Take a break, and go hang out with your friends before you leave.”

I laughed. “Most of my friends are going with me. Seriously, I’d rather be helping you.” I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and rested my chin on the top of her head. “Why are you always trying to get rid of me? Am I that much of a thorn in your side still?”

She hugged me tightly. “I don’t ever want to be rid of you. I simply want you to have some fun for a change. And quit talking about leaving, or I’m going to start crying. I’m going to miss you so badly.”

“You’re not even going to notice I’m gone,” I teased. “I know how it’ll be . . . you and Greg, alone in a big old house.” I shuddered and she laughed, shoving me away.

“Just for that, I’m going to let you haul all these boxes over there.”

“I was going to do it anyway.” I grinned as I went to get another one.

It wasn’t long until I had everything she’d packed in the back of the truck. I shut the tailgate firmly and faced her. “Anything else you need me to take?”

She shook her head. “No. I’ll need the stuff that’s left here until after the wedding. This place is going to look bare after you take most of the furniture with you.”

“Well, you know I’d be happy to stay longer if I could. I’ll be back every weekend, though, until school starts.”

“I’m excited for you to start practicing with the team. I’m sure you’ll be wowing them in no time at all.”

I shook my head. “Don’t hold your breath, Mom. I might be the top dog around here, but I’ll be the little guy on the totem pole there. I’ll be lucky if the coaches even know my name.”

“Whatever. They know who you are, otherwise they wouldn’t have offered you a scholarship. Everyone who knows anything about football in Arizona knows who Chase Walker is.”

I laughed again and climbed inside my truck. “We’ll see about that.”

Leaning against the tree, I sighed heavily and wished I could ease the terrible ache in my heart. No one knew about this secret ritual of mine—it was something I’d chosen to keep between Nikki and me. I was going to miss it once I went away. Sometimes it was the only peace I could find—the only place I allowed myself to break down and really feel.

I thought back to how I’d initially told myself I wasn’t ever going to come here again, but after about a week I couldn’t stand being away. I needed to be as close to her as I could. I hadn’t missed a week since.

“I’m moving away to the valley tomorrow. Football practice is starting.”

I stared at the beautiful granite headstone which graced her resting place. Her gorgeous senior picture, taken a few days before the accident, was embedded in it. She looked so alive—so vibrant. I liked to imagine she was here, listening and smiling at me when I came to talk.

“I’ll be back to see you every weekend until school starts. Then I’ll have games on Saturdays, and I won’t be able to come as often until the season is over.”

I paused and looked down at the ground. Pulling up a few blades of grass, I twirled them between my fingers.

“I promise I won’t forget you,” I said, continuing my one-sided conversation. “I’ll think about you every day, and hopefully you’ll be out there somewhere watching over me. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me sane . . . hoping wherever you are, you can see me, and you aren’t as lonely as I am.”

I didn’t know how to close and heal this wound. I needed her help to mend it.

“Nikki, I’m having a hard time. This was when we’d planned on starting our lives together. I can’t see past the fact I’ll be leaving you here while I go on. I swear I’ve tried to move past this, but I can’t seem to. My heart is stuck with you. When you died, my hopes and dreams died with you—I’m simply going through the motions. I look around and see everyone continuing on like they don’t realize the sun has quit shining. Everything seems dark and negative now. I’m not myself anymore. I might appear the same on the outside, but inside . . . inside I’m hollow. How do I fix that? How do I go forward when all I want is to be with you? How do I carry on when it’s my fault you’re lying here?”

The panic I repeatedly fought against began to rise inside me. I hated facing something I couldn’t control. It left me feeling completely helpless, knowing
nothing
I did would ever change the outcome. This was my life now. I was being forced to travel a road I never wanted to take in the first place. It made me incredibly angry at everything. Emotions tumbled and churned, welling up so swiftly I thought I might start screaming.

Jumping to my feet, I dropped the blades of grass and placed a hand on her headstone, gripping it tightly. “I’ve got to go, Nikki. I’m sorry I’m never strong enough to stay here very long. I can’t take it. It eats me up.” My knuckles were turning white, and I released the granite piece and stepped away. “I love you.”

Clenching my fists beside me, I headed toward my truck. I felt the need to pummel something. I was glad football was starting, so I had the excuse to pour this emotion into something very physical. I needed something—anything—to ease the frustration.

“Good heavens, boy! What’re you up to?” Grandpa Warren’s voice came from the doorway, and I glanced in his direction before returning to work.

“I thought I’d restack the hay bales for you. They looked sloppy, and this one row was pretty close to the outside wall. I noticed sometimes water leaks under right there. I didn’t want it to get ruined if it rained.” I tossed another bale on top of the bottom one before climbing up the stack and hefting it higher, moving towards the upper part of the pile.

“Chase, I can take care of this. You’ve got a house full of people here for your goodbye party tonight. You need to come inside.”

Pausing, I wiped my arm across my sweaty brow and glanced in the direction of the house. “I don’t really feel like partying. Maybe you can make excuses for me? I’ll grab some leftovers when I come in later.” I gave a pleading, hopeful look as he stared, his lips pursed.

“Son, come sit with me for a spell.” He waved his hand toward some of the bales on the ground.

Sighing, I finished stacking the one I’d been moving and climbed down. I sat beside him, my elbows resting against my knees.

“You’ve got to be one of the best kids I know.” He clapped me on the back. “I may have had my doubts in the beginning, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a guy your age work as hard as you.”

This was high praise coming from him. “Thanks,” I mumbled. “I’m just trying to help out.”

“I have to say, I don’t like it one bit.”

His words threw me.

“What?” I glanced up, confused. I thought he appreciated my help.

“You’ve got your whole life to work yourself to the bone, Chase. You need to enjoy being a kid. Go be with your friends—laugh, be silly, do some crazy things. Hang with the guys for a while, or try dating again. There are some very pretty girls who’d love to find a handsome guy like you paying them attention.”

I clenched my jaw, grinding my teeth together. “I can’t do that.” I got up and grabbed another bale.

“What do you think Nikki would say about how you’re behaving?”

Hearing her name made me feel like I’d been sucker punched in the gut. I dropped the hay. “Don’t go there. Please, Grandpa. It still hurts too much.” I struggled to maintain my composure.

“I had a dog once that got tangled in a loose barbed wire fence. His name was Barley.”

Wait. We’re talking about dogs now?

“He cut himself real good on his hind leg. I helped him get free, but he ran off before I could put any salve on the wound and dress it proper. He wandered around the edges of the property, limping, but whenever I’d come after him, he’d hightail it away before I could catch him. Finally, one day I found him laying in the field over yonder. His leg was swollen real bad, and I could tell he had a pretty serious infection going on. I knew if I didn’t cut him open and drain it, he was going to die, so I pulled out my pocketknife and sliced into it. Ole Barley, he howled like the dickens and even nipped at me pretty sharply. Green smelly puss shot from that thing, though, and I knew he had to feel a lot better getting rid of the pressure. I carried him to the house and cleaned the wound as best I could. It was touch and go for a while, but finally his leg started healing, and he made a full recovery. Barley and I were pretty close after that. He was a good dog.”

I folded my arms. “Is there a point to this story?”

He stood and walked in front of me. “The point is, sometimes you’ve got to lance your wounds, and let all the infection and poison pour out of your soul so it doesn’t eat you alive from the inside out. Sometimes we fail to see there are people around us who love us, and they are waiting to help, but we don’t let them. Instead, we choose to let things fester, going off on our own—licking wounds as we try to heal ourselves.” He put his hands on my shoulders. “Don’t let this happen to you, Chase.”

I blinked back the tears which threatened and looked away. I knew what he was saying, but I couldn’t give in. It was too hard—too much. “I can’t let it out,” I whispered. “It’s . . . too strong.”

“I’ve watched you for months now. Every time those emotions of yours bubble to the surface, you stamp ‘em back down inside and let ‘em fester even longer. It’s not healthy what you’re doing. You’ve been through hell. You’ve proven the kind of man you are. It’s okay to cry.” He pulled me to him, hugging tightly. “It’s okay to cry,” he emphasized again. “I want you to know you aren’t alone, son. I love you.”

Despite my resolve, his words sunk deep to my core. I struggled against it with everything I had, but I couldn’t hold it together. The dam broke, and I clutched the back of his shirt in both of my fists, suddenly overwhelmed with great gulping sobs. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t fight it anymore. I didn’t care if I looked foolish because I knew he was right. I’d been in agony, feeling like I had nowhere to turn. I didn’t know how to express what was happening inside, so I kept it bottled up the best I could, letting off just enough steam every now and then to keep the pot from exploding. It was more than I could bear.

“I love her, Grandpa,” I cried, my words sounding foreign and choked. “I really love her. I don’t know how to live without her. I don’t want to live without her.”

He didn’t offer me any words of wisdom, instead holding me as I wept in his arms. I had no idea how long we stood there—I only knew my heart was breaking.

“Warren?” I heard Grandma Caroline’s voice come from outside, and she appeared in the doorway, stopping short when she saw the two of us. She placed her hand over her heart, and I saw tears in her eyes.

“We’ll be there soon,” Grandpa said without moving. “Tell everyone we had to finish some things up first.’

She nodded, blowing me a kiss before she walked away. Grandpa released me, and I stepped backward, lifting my hands to dry my face.

“I want you do something for me,” he said, carefully watching me.

“What’s that?”

“I want you to do one fun thing every day. I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. Give yourself permission to let go once in a while. Do it for your old gramps if you have to. I can’t send you away to school without knowing you’ll promise to do this.”

I slipped my hands into my pockets, toeing some loose hay on the floor with my boot. “I’ll try.” I swallowed hard, attempting to push past the knot in my throat.

“Try hard, because I’m gonna ask you every week to tell me what you did. Okay? Take small baby steps to begin with. Can you do that for me?”

I nodded, not able to speak.

He draped his arm around my shoulder. “Come on. We’ll sneak you in the back way, so you can shower and get cleaned up for dinner. It’s time for you to rejoin your family and friends.”

Chapter Three

Staring at myself in the mirror, I quickly ran a comb through my dark, towel-dried hair before deeming myself presentable enough to join the others downstairs. Ironically, Grandpa’s advice had helped. I did feel a bit better, not that my problems were any different. I sighed and attempted to brush my moody thoughts from my head. It was time to put on my “I’m okay” demeanor as best I could and play a different role.

Laughter rose up the stairs to greet me as I descended, and I picked my mom’s voice out above them all. I loved the sound of it. Knowing she was happy brought a small smile to my own lips as I rounded the corner into the kitchen. She was leaning against the counter, and her eyes sparkled as she listened to a story Grandpa was telling. Her fiancé, Greg, had his arm wrapped around her, love plainly written on his face as he stared at her. I paused and watched for a moment—she was so beautiful.

She turned and saw me, and her face lit up even brighter. “There he is!” she said, coming to give me a hug, and the focus of the room shifted in my direction. “Are you all right?” she whispered into my ear.

“Yeah, everything’s chill,” I replied as I hugged her in return. I released her and bobbed my head toward the others who were crowded around the giant table in the dining area. “Hey everyone.”

Brett gave me a nod and his girlfriend, Tana, stood to give me a hug. Before I could reach her, however, I was bowled over by Timmy and Clara, who attacked me, sliding down around my knees, capturing me. I laughed and snatched them up, carrying one under each arm.