Finding Harmony (8 page)

I ask for the cigarettes as I walk over to the counter. He puts his glasses on and spins around to the shelf behind him trying to find the ones I asked for. The counter area is covered with decorations on the walls and lights strung across the ceiling. One piece of writing on the wall takes my interest:

-Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation-

I pondered over the statement for a while. It was true. I didn’t know how much I was capable of loving someone until Juliet passed away.

“Excuse me, Miss?”

I come out of my trance and look back the frail man, standing pointing at the till.

“Oh right, sorry”.

I fiddle around in my pockets for change to pay him with. As I do so he starts to speak, the content of his words throwing me slightly off guard.

“You know, I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter, until it became a part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it”.

I place the money on the counter and look back at him questioningly. His face was wise, something that you only gained from a lifetime of experiences. I didn’t fully understand his statement or why he was telling me this, but something inside told me, one day, I would.

I take the long way back home, the cold was excruciating but at least the pain helped me know I was still alive. There’s a small group of people crowded on the street corner, oo-ing and ah-ing over something. I head over to see what it was that was causing all the fuss.

Some homeless guy was standing with a large cardboard box full of tiny puppies. They looked like Huskies but I wasn’t entirely sure. There were seven or eight of the little things, all getting snapped up one by one. Everyone kept going for the loud, playful ones, completely ignoring the smallest of the litter at the back of the box. Poor little guy, no one ever wants the runt, I know how he feels.

I would’ve walked away but his shining big blue eyes were tugging horribly on my heart strings.

I push in past the small crowd and kneel down to the box.

“How much do you want for him?”

“How much ya got?”

I rummage around in my bag and pull out a couple of notes which I then hand to the guy. His face lights up and he picks up the little fella by the scruff and hands him to me.

“Here ya go lady, and remember, a dog is for life not just for Christmas”.

I smile and walk off home with my new buddy wrapped up inside my coat.

It was a moment of impulse, I hadn’t really thought through the responsibility of having a dog but there was no sense in us both spending Christmas alone now, was there?

My apartment is cold when I get back home. I sit the little guy on the fluffy rug while I take my coat and boots off, and then light the fire to warm the place up.

“So, I don’t suppose you have a name then?”

This was stupid, why was I talking to a dog? I think I’ve truly gone insane.

I fill up a small bowl of water and take it over to him. We sit on the floor together, the TV on the music channel belting out all the old Christmas songs, the fire the blazing and the fairy lights on the Christmas tree twinkling away.

“You’re a cool little guy; you need a cool name… What about… Logan?”

He doesn’t respond.

“Samson?”

Nothing.

“Indi?”

He yelps out a tiny woof. Bingo.

“Indi it is then”.

This was by no means a brilliant Christmas but it could always be worse. Juliet and I used to have a tradition on Christmas Eve; we’d sit in a room lit only by the Christmas lights and remember, no matter how bad a year it had been, that our blessings outnumbered the lights.

It had been a terrible year for me but despite everything, I still had a lot of things to be thankful for; I had a nice roof over my head, my fridge was filled with food, I was in good health, I had money in the bank, I had Freddy and now, I even had little Indi. Things could always be much worse.

The heat radiating off the fire is making me sleepy. Time for bed. I switch the TV off and make my way to the bedroom, little Indi trailing after me. I pick him up and lay him down on the big bed where he wanders around a bit, unsure of his new surroundings, before curling up into a ball on the end of the bed and falling asleep.

He was so cute. I think I’ve made a friend for life.

I nip out of the bedroom quietly to lock the front door. As I get closer I can hear frantic voices from outside. I should’ve gone back to bed but the harsh tones of his German dialect only made me more curious. I pressed an ear up against the door, desperately trying to hear the words being exchanged. The male voice was a little high pitched, meaning it was Trey, not Freddy. And the female voice had that unmistakable screech to it that just went straight through you: Miranda.

“Miranda, don’t leave, I’m sorry”.

“Well you should’ve thought about that before you said her name!”

“Look I didn’t mean to, it was a slip of the tongue”.

“A slip of the tongue? You screamed HER name whilst I was with you! That’s not a slip of the tongue, Trey!”

What? Whose name did he scream?

“You’re more delusional than I thought if you think your precious little Harmony will want anything to do with you once she finds about your filthy addiction…"

He screamed my name? What the hell was she talking about? Trey’s addiction?

“And what’s more, Baby boy, you’re more ignorant than I thought if you haven’t already found out about hers…”

“What are you talking about, you don’t even know her!”

“Yeah well by the sound of things neither do you! Word is, when she ditched you, Trey, she became quite the coke whore I hear, and then there’s the men… Your little Harmony gets around; she could give me a run for my money”.

I had half the mind to go out there right now and slap her, but on what grounds? Telling the truth? She’d just outed me to Trey. It was a past, a side to me I wasn’t proud of, a side I’d have rather kept secret from Trey and now it was all out in the open.

I was no different than Miranda. Everything was going to come out.

I was up a creek without a paddle.

Chapter Eight

              Her hand was ice cold as I held it in mine. I’d sat at her bedside all night, not once did I take my eyes off her. Wires and tubes and everything else were shoved into her body, keeping her alive. Her skin was as white as snow, her thick blonde hair gently caressing her delicate face. Every so often her eyelids would flutter but nothing ever became of it. I prayed and prayed all night for some kind of miracle. She was so young; she couldn’t leave me, not yet. I wasn’t ready to let go of her, I still needed her.

“Harmony?”

Her voice was croaky and weak, barely even audible. She tried to move her head towards me but I held her still.

“Ssssh, sweetie. Just sleep, everything’s going to be ok, I won’t let anything happen to you”.

The hot tears flood down from eyes, my stomach twisting up into knots as I watch over the angel in the bed beside me.

“Harmony…”

I try to keep her silent, I knew the end was near, but she wasn’t having it, she was determined to speak.

“Let nothing… disturb you, let… nothing… frighten you…”

The machine on the other side of her bed starts to beep noisily; her chest falls flat as does the line on the machine.

“NURSE, HELP! Someone help me! No, don’t die on me Jules, I need you, please don’t leave me!”

The nurses and doctors come flooding into the room and crowd around her bed, they’re talking frantically in some kind of medical jargon which I can’t understand.

A young woman escorts me out of the room, trying to reassure me but I knew she was gone. I knew this was the curtain call.

I sit down on the bench out in the hall, my knees clattering together, my lips trembling, and my whole body shaking.

The doctor emerges from the room. He didn’t need to say anything; the look on his face said it all.

“I’m so sorry, Miss Lindstrom, we did everything we could…”

***

I wake up in a panic, my breathing out of sync and my pillow soaked through from cold sweat. They weren’t just dreams anymore; they were visions; as clear and as real as if you were there in the flesh. Juliet’s final moments, her dying words still haunted me every night. Losing her is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I’d give up everything just for one last moment with her, just to share one last hug with my big sister.

That was the day I had walked away from God, the God who could abandon me like that in my hour of need. But, like Trey, He had stayed in the back of my head, nudging me ever so often… like when Trey and I were making out.

My heart twisted. I just felt so lost and confused lately. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing with my life, and I missed Juliet with all my heart.

I look over to the small clock on my bedside table: 10:00am.

“Well… Merry Christmas, Indi”.

The ball of fluff at the end of the bed uncurls and lifts his head up at hearing his name before repositioning himself and going back to sleep.

“Merry Christmas indeed…”

Christmas. I was brought up believing it was the day of His birth. But you can’t go home after leaving, right? Isn’t that something I had learned?

Without warning, tears began to flow in my eyes. I missed Juliet, and I missed my relationship with my Father. No wonder I felt so alone all of the time. I didn’t have all the answers, I really didn’t. But… at least from what I was told… Someone did.

“G…God?” I said, out loud. Indi raised his head and looked at me. I ignored him, tears streaming down my face.

“I don’t know what to do, God,” I said. “We don’t talk any more but… We used to be really close. I don’t know what this is…” I raised my hands, not sure if I was praying or just talking. “But there’s something important I have to say. I…” I took a deep breath. “I forgive You. For what happened to Juliet.”

Peace filled me, so immediately that I gasped. Indi sat up and came over to my lap. “I uh… I know I’m not the One supposed to do the forgiving…” I said awkwardly… and then I hushed. Nothing more needed to be said. I just felt it. That everything was going to be okay. And that He understood.

I had a LOT to work on, moving forward. Old habits are hard to break. But I also knew that I wanted to try, more than I ever had in my life. Determined, and happy, I grabbed Indi and left the room.