Finding June (35 page)

I didn’t even think, I just said, “I would go.”

Reece smiled, kissing me on the forehead with enough force to rock me to the side.

His bright smile warmed me up more than his embrace in the frigid cold Thanksgiving morning. “See how easy that was? Now let’s go and eat food and try not to let your parents get you down.”

Because I guess it really was that easy.

I looked up to him. “I hope you didn’t listen too closely to my mom because she was wrong about a lot of things.” Reece sat there in silence, a warm smile directed my way. “I might not know what I’m doing, but the last thing I am is “wishy washy” about you, I hope you know that. You’re my constant. And I don’t want Owen back, that’s just my mother’s crazy talk coming out.”

A kiss against my forehead and an, “I know,” from Reece was enough to reassure me.

“Pass the gravy, please.” I grabbed the metal gravy container and handed it to my mother. This was the extent of the conversation at the table. Pass this or that and don’t talk about the giant elephant sitting at the end of the table. This was not the first awkward holiday conversation the Rosewood family had over the years. There was the year Daniel graduated high school and decided he wouldn’t be going to college. That dinner ended up with cranberry sauce on the wall when Daniel threw it after thirty minutes of my parents blatantly ignoring him and his decision.

It wasn’t my mother’s usual MO to attack me so early in the morning and it had caught me off guard, hurting me more than usual. I had a high tolerance for her bullshit, but today I had totally crumbled under her scrutiny. So the silence that was only filled with us eating was not unusual. Reece held my hand and never let go, the only thing making me feel better at the moment.

By the time we had dessert, I was more than ready to bolt from the table. I even offered to clean up to get people to move faster. My mother lingered at the table, probably in spite, but took her time and then finally got up from the table. I grabbed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, Reece helping me by covering the leftovers and putting them in the refrigerator.

Overall, it was a typical Rosewood holiday, quiet dissatisfaction with a few snarky comments and silence that followed, the perfect amount of dysfunction sprinkled with a dash of disdain. After everything was put away, all I wanted to do was go to bed because the sooner I slept the sooner I got to leave the next day. I was like a kid waiting for Christmas, but instead I was waiting to get the hell out of this place. My parents, like clockwork, went to bed pretty early and Reece went upstairs to give me some quality time with Daniel. We talked about the trip and what I should expect and Daniel made sure I didn’t think to highly of our parents’ wishes. I told him I didn’t, but he knew his sister and knew I was lying, or at least feeling the effects of their words, still trying to process them.

I walked upstairs after talking to Daniel for about thirty minutes. I didn’t even put up the façade of going to my own room first, just grabbed my clothes and headed to Reece’s. I let my parent’s words affect me more than I should, but there was no reason to have this pretense up. I didn’t care anymore what they thought was appropriate. I was a grown adult and the one leaving the next morning.

I crawled into bed and threw my arms around Reece, laying my head down on his chest. I was emotionally drained and just wanted to lie there. Reece let me as he softly ran his hands over my back and through my hair, tracing his fingers like wisps of a feather over my skin.

“Do you remember when we were at the cabin and you asked me what I was afraid of?” my soft voice asked Reece as he held me.

“Of course.”

“What if I’m still afraid, what if my answer hasn’t really changed? The only difference is I don’t want to let it stop me anymore from living my life.”

Reece thought about my question for a few moments. “Fear
shouldn’t
stop you from living your life. The fear you had in the cabin and the fear you have now, they’re different. Before you were fearful of the changes going on in your life. Change is always scary. This fear you have now, I think it is more of an exciting fear. It’s normal.”

I took in his words. “You’re right, the fear is different. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t fearful of us and our time apart, but you don’t scare me, Reece. This is why I’m so scared. If I was afraid of you, leaving would be easy because I would be running away, but I don’t want to run away from you. When you told me you saw me last May and you felt like me walking away was wrong, that’s what I feel right now, that I shouldn’t leave. But I have to. I need to do this.”

“There is no one else. I will never find another June and I don’t want to. You are my sun and my moon, and everything in between. I love you and I will be here when you get home, to our home.”

His words eased my worry and his touch was like a soothing balm. I fell asleep with my head on his chest, the light still on with dreams of sunshine in my head.

I woke with a start. It was dark with the earliest of the morning sun only barely lighting up the room. I guess after I fell asleep, Reece had thrown a blanket over me, but I was still in the same position, my head resting on his chest. I was sure it wasn’t comfortable for him, but when I tried to move away, his arm tightened on me. I glanced up to see he was still asleep. Even while he dreamt, he still wanted me close. I took solace in that thought and let myself fall back to sleep.

The next time I woke it was due to the blaring of my alarm, a sound I was happy to hear because it meant I got to leave and go home. Home, my home with Reece. I was able to successfully wiggle out of his arm and jump into the shower, all while not waking him up.

An hour later I was throwing the bag into the car and walking up to say good-bye to my parents. I gave Daniel a huge hug and told him I would be seeing him January 2nd in Seattle as I flew out to South America. Reece and I were driving up with my car to leave to Daniel, and Reece was catching a flight home the day after I left. I told him I could have driven up by myself, but his reasoning was it was winter and he didn’t want me to drive alone and he wanted to spend as much time as possible with me before I left. How could I argue with that?

I hugged my parents briefly and they voiced their hope to see me this summer. They knew I would not be there for Christmas, but I wasn’t making any promises for the summer. I was met with quiet indifference, which was nothing new.

The ride back I was silent, lost in my own thoughts, and Reece didn’t push it. He played all of my favorite songs without me asking and held my hand as much as possible. It was exactly what I needed. I watched the landscape fly past me and change from the green of Portland and the Colombia River to the pasturelands of Idaho as we got back in Boise. It was cold when I got out of my car; you could see my breath in the brisk November air. I realized I would miss this. I would miss the bitter cold and would be trading it in for the sun and warmth of South America. I was going to be trading in coats and gloves for shorts and hats. For me, it would seem to be a year of endless summer, with me missing the bulk of winter. I spent my summer running away to hide from the shame of being dumped, and I couldn’t help to think I was running away again. But the voice in my head that was usually full of negative thoughts was quiet today. Was I running away from Reece, the man who loved me and embraced me?
No
, the little voice said,
you’re going to find yourself and this wonderful man will be here to welcome you home with open arms
. I had left for the summer lost and pissed, coming back essentially the same. However, this jaunt wasn’t running away, it was about self-discovery.

It was the day before Christmas Eve. Reece and I were spending the whole day with his parents, along with Christmas Day. We both took the night off so we could have our own Christmas celebration. The tiny tree was lit with golden lights reminding me of the day in October, where we danced under the lit tree and fell deeper in love than we already were.

I had made mulled spiced wine and Reece made a meal of tilapia and fresh vegetables since the rest of the weekend would be ham and turkey. After eating and drinking by the tree, sitting cross legged on the floor and the She & Him Christmas album playing on the record player, we exchanged gifts. I was nervous about giving his gift to him, fearing he wouldn’t like it or think it was cheesy. It was a small package wrapped in a brown bag from the grocery store with a green ribbon that reminded me of his eyes. He was like a kid, all excited about the package. He undid the ribbon and brown paper, leaving a bundle of letters wrapped in the same ribbon.

“What’s this?” he asked as he examined the papers.

“Letters.” I felt slightly embarrassed as his smile grew.

“Did you write me love letters?” His eyes met mine, full of love and tenderness, while mine was slightly embarrassed.

I watched him run his fingers over the stack of letters I had written.

“Kind of. I tried to write down what I was feeling when certain things happened between us. The first time I saw you, the day you visited me after the night we had our first dance at work. The day at the winery. It’s all there. I thought when you missed me you could read them; remember the good times between us. I wrote copies for me, too, to bring along.”

Reece’s eyes never left the letters. I was fidgeting with my hands, looking at my bare fingernails, getting more nervous each second. He hated it and thought it was stupid. I knew it.

I held my breath as he finally looked up to me. “I thought I couldn’t love you more, but you proved me wrong, June. This is perfect and one of the most thought felt gifts anyone has ever given me.”

Tears fell. I didn’t know I was crying. I reached over and hugged him around the stomach as I held onto him. The closer the date came for me to leave, the harder it was to think of spending anytime apart. As the tears dried I was able to finally compose myself and move away from Reece. I poured another glass of wine; I needed it. Reece got up and walked into the hallway, opened the closet, and pulled out a cardboard box. He walked back to where I was sitting on the floor with my back against the couch, my legs in front of me crossed. He set the box next to me and I peered in to see small packages wrapped in colorful Christmas paper. I looked up to him and raised my eyebrow.

He just smiled and said, “It’s your South America Survival Kit or SASK, patent pending of course.”

I laughed and went to grab one of the packages out of the box, but Reece moved it out of my reach before I could get to one. I fake pouted as Reece laughed and handed me a small package wrapped in a shiny red paper.

I opened it to find an older version iPod with headphones attached to it, the strings wrapped around.

Before I could ask about it, Reece interjected and said, “This is my version of your letters. I snuck into your computer and loaded all of your music, and then added mine as well. I made playlists for you when you need them. You can look, they are labeled.” I turned on the iPod; there was about twenty different playlists labeled with fun names like,
When you miss me
,
When I miss you, When you miss the cold, Songs that remind me of you, Songs that make me think of your beauty.
It went on and on and I was utterly touched by this.

“I figured you wouldn’t be taking your phone, and when I was moving around, music always made me feel connected to … life I guess? But I hope these songs will make you feel connected to me.”

I didn’t know what to say. This was perfect for me and I was also amazed how well Reece understood me.

Reece silently reached into the box and handed me the next package. This was larger and a bit misshapen. I unwrapped the paper to have a big sun hat flop out. I laughed as I put it on. “Everyone needs a hat. Don’t want your pretty little head to burn.” Reece handed me the next package, this one square and solid. It was a beautiful leather journal with a pen inside. “To write down your thoughts. Trust me, you’ll want to remember this.”

The next package was a small box, and as I took off the paper, I discovered a burgundy velvet box that usually held jewelry. My heart sped up, not knowing what I would find or if I was ready to find out. I opened the box and saw a small golden hummingbird on a gold chain. It was a necklace. I examined it and turned it in my hand to find on the back it was engraved. It only had one word; a word that was simple in nature, but meant the world to me.