Finding Libbie (27 page)

Jack’s heart broke. She’d looked like a wild animal caught in a trap. He went to the bedroom door and walked inside. Libbie was lying on the bed, her face in her pillow, sobbing. Jack sat on the edge of the bed and gently rubbed her back. “Please, Libbie. I’m not trying to get rid of you. I want you to feel well so we can be happy again. I miss you. When you drink and take pills, you’re no longer yourself. I love you, Libs. I only want to help you.”

Libbie turned, tears streaking her cheeks. “I’ll quit drinking, Jack. I promise. I’ll do it right here. I can stop anytime I want. I don’t need to leave you to do it. Please, please don’t send me away.” Her voice was small and pitiful, and Jack thought he was going to break down and give in at any moment. But he had to be strong. He wanted his Libbie back, and it wasn’t going to happen if she didn’t get help.

Jack pulled Libbie into his arms and held her tightly. “I don’t want you to go, either, sweetie, but you have to. I promise, you’ll feel so much better if you do. Please do this. If you keep drinking and taking pills, I’m afraid I’ll lose you. I can’t live without you, Libs. Please. Let me take you to get help.”

Jack held her in his arms for a while before Libbie finally agreed to go. After packing a small bag, she calmly walked outside with Jack to where her father’s car was waiting. Jack sat beside her on the ride there, holding her hand and reassuring her that everything would be okay.

But when he had to tear himself away from her as she clung to him at the door, he felt like he had betrayed her. They wouldn’t let him stay with her while she was checked in or settled into a room. And he was told he couldn’t visit her while she was there. His heart broke as he forced himself to walk away with Mr. Wilkens, the sound of Libbie’s sobs following him down the sidewalk.

Once Jack was home, he got into his pick-up and headed straight for the little bar on the edge of town where he knew Larry spent a lot of his free time. He walked in, sat down on a stool beside Larry, and ordered a beer.

Larry, who was drinking whiskey, waited until Jack had drunk down half his beer before speaking. “You did the right thing. She’s going to be fine.”

Jack nodded, but he still felt his heart being ripped apart at the thought of Libbie crying and calling for him to come back.

“I want everything to be like it was before,” Jack said, feeling like he’d lived a hundred years already.

Larry shook his head. “Sorry, pal. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. You just have to hope for better days to come.”

As pessimistic as that sounded, Jack understood it was true. Their life together would never be the way it was the first time they’d kissed or the day they were married. He still loved her as fiercely now as he did then, but those days were gone. He just had to make the best of the times to come.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Libbie got out on a Sunday afternoon two weeks after Jack had dropped her off at the center. When she saw him walking up the sidewalk, she couldn’t stop herself from running to him and throwing herself into his arms. Tears ran down her cheeks as she held him tightly, not wanting to let him go for fear of his leaving again.

Before leaving the center, Jack and Libbie met with the doctor to discuss her treatment plan. Dr. Lingby explained to Jack what medications Libbie was taking and the doses, and that she wasn’t to take more than prescribed or touch alcohol. He gave them a sheet with the medications and doses written out. Libbie watched as a frown creased Jack’s face, but he only nodded. She feared he was upset at the thought of having a wife who was dependent on so much medication just to act “normal,” but he didn’t let on that it bothered him. When they left, he carried her bag with one hand and slipped his other around her waist as he walked her out to the truck.

They made small talk all the way home, as if they were strangers sharing a ride. Libbie chose her words carefully. She was fearful that one wrong word would send her back into the care center. Not that it had been a bad place—the doctors and nurses had treated her kindly—but she never wanted to be locked away like that again. The first week had been hell as she “dried out” from alcohol and Valium. She’d trembled, had hot and cold sweats, and vomited her way through that week. But as the poison left her system, she’d felt better through the second week. She had long sessions with the psychiatrist about the triggers that caused her to drink and take pills, and group sessions with other patients discussing their experiences. Libbie hadn’t liked any of it, had only participated so she would be able to go home. Now, armed with a strong antidepressant, sleeping pills, and Valium for anxiety, and the knowledge of her triggers for alcohol and pill abuse, she was told she could resume normal life.

The problem was, Libbie no longer knew what normal was.

One thing she knew for certain—the pills dulled her senses and made her feel sleepy most of the time, and she hated feeling that way.

Winter settled in and Libbie watched as the trees shed their leaves and snow covered the lawns. She rarely saw the neighbors anymore, just a wave here or a hello there. Her father stopped by occasionally to visit with her, but he was all she saw of her family. He said her mother was having a rough time that winter and Gwen was too busy with her girls and helping with Abigail to do much else. Larry stopped by some evenings when Jack was working, and Libbie knew that he was checking up on her for Jack. She believed it was the same when Bev would stop by unannounced in the afternoon to drop off chocolate chip cookies or a loaf of banana bread. They all acted like it was normal to stop by, but Libbie knew otherwise. Jack was afraid she’d relapse, so he sent people to check on her.

Jack no longer trusted her to be alone.

Libbie didn’t trust herself, either.

She spent her days cleaning the house, cooking, baking, and doing laundry. She went to the grocery store, tried not to glance longingly at the liquor store when she passed it, and filled her prescriptions regularly at the drugstore. Every other night Jack was home for dinner, and the other nights and Saturdays he worked on cars at his uncle’s garage. Sundays they spent together, either going to the farm for dinner, taking in a movie, or going out for a burger. Their life was in perfect order so that nothing would upset the balance that Libbie needed to stay well.

Libbie felt that her life had become an endless stream of nothingness.

Christmas was a quiet event that year. They had dinner with her parents on Christmas Eve. Her mother looked pale and drawn, despite having spent the day before at the beauty parlor. Her father also looked tired. Gwen had gained more weight that year, which made her even crabbier, and Walter was his usual bragging self. The girls were growing, now ages six and three, but Libbie took little interest in them. Lynn whined a lot, and Leslie cried when she didn’t get her way. It was all too much for Libbie’s nerves, so they left early.

Christmas Day at the farm was much more relaxing. Jan was home again that year for winter break, but this time she’d brought home her new boyfriend, Evan Goddard. He was a tall, slender man with blond hair, blue eyes, and a polite personality. He was a junior in college, like Jan was, but he was a business major. Libbie liked him immediately and noticed the way his eyes shined every time he looked at Jan. She remembered when Jack’s eyes used to light up when he looked her way, but she hadn’t seen them do that in a long time. Jack just looked tired now—whether from overworking or worrying about her, she didn’t know.

On New Year’s Eve, they watched Dick Clark ring in 1974 with the lighted ball dropping in Times Square. When they finally went to bed that night, Jack hugged Libbie and curled his body around hers. She tensed—they hadn’t made love since she’d come home from the Willow Lake Center, and she thought Jack no longer desired her. Even though he always kissed her good-bye in the morning and hello when he came home, even though he cuddled with her at night, he’d never made a move to touch her in any other way. But tonight, he held her so close that she felt his heart beating against her back.

Jack brushed her hair from her neck and kissed her there, causing delightful shivers to run down her spine. “Don’t worry, Libs,” he whispered near her ear. “I’d never make you do anything you’re not ready to do. I’ve just missed you so much.”

Libbie turned in his arms and looked up into his eyes. Even in the dark room, she saw how much he loved her. She ran her hand through his thick hair and down to his chest. His breathing quickened at her touch. “I’m sorry, Jack. These pills make me feel so dull and empty inside. I don’t think about anything else but getting through each day.”

Jack kissed her softly on the lips. “It’s okay, sweetie. We have time. We have our whole lives to be together. I love you so much. I’m happy just being close to you.”

Libbie sighed and snuggled up to Jack. She knew she was lucky to have him, knew that if it wasn’t for him, she’d probably be dead by now. She wanted more than anything to feel like she had when they first met—before the pills and the alcohol and all the stress. As she lay in his arms and listened to his steady breathing as he slept, she prayed that she’d always have Jack in her life. He was her lifeline and without him she’d be lost completely.

The week after New Year’s, Libbie was startled by a knock at the front door in the early afternoon. She’d been making a batch of oatmeal cookies. She knew it wasn’t Bev because they’d talked on the phone earlier, and Larry never came during the day. When she went to answer it, there stood June and Natalie, carrying a plate of muffins and smiling brightly.

“We just couldn’t stand it any longer,” Natalie said as they closed the door against the cold behind them. “It’s been too long since we’ve seen you, Libbie. I hope you don’t mind us barging in.”

“We have blueberry muffins,” June said, lifting the plate. “Would you like one?”

Libbie smiled for what felt like the first time in ages. She had missed her friends. “That sounds wonderful,” she said. “I was just baking cookies. Why don’t you come into the kitchen and we can visit while I finish.”

They went inside the cozy kitchen, and the women sat at the table and told Libbie all the neighborhood gossip while she finished getting her cookies in the oven.

“We missed you at the New Year’s party,” Natalie said, accepting a bottle of Coke from Libbie and picking at a muffin. “You should have been there. The Hendersons both got drunk and had a whale of a fight.”

“Why?” Libbie asked, surprised. Kevin and Louise Henderson were a nice older couple with two teenaged children. She’d never seen them even snap at each other, let alone fight.

“Because of Alicia,” Natalie said.

“Alicia? She was invited?”

Natalie nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, although no one will admit to having invited her. She came in after the party had started wearing the lowest-cut minidress you’ve ever seen—it was downright slutty. Of course, all the men stared at her like they’d never seen a woman before. Then Kevin walked right over to her and asked if he could fix her a drink, all the while staring down at her cleavage. It was so obvious.”

June jumped in. “Louise went over and tugged at his arm, but he ignored her. Just plain ignored her! She stomped off into the kitchen. Alicia said something to Kevin that none of us could hear, and he hightailed it into the kitchen after Louise. She immediately started yelling at him for ignoring her and told him that if he wanted to spend his time with that little whore, he could have at it. Of course, that didn’t go over well with him, so he started yelling back.”

“Everyone in the living room tried to politely continue talking, but it was hard to ignore,” Natalie said. “And can you believe that Alicia just walked around saying hello to everyone as if nothing had happened? That woman is shameless.”

Libbie wasn’t one for gossip, but this story did bother her. “Are the Hendersons okay?”

June leaned in closer to Libbie. “We think they might be getting a divorce. Kevin left the next day with a suitcase, and no one has seen him since.”

“That’s terrible,” Libbie said, feeling sorry for the Hendersons. She had really liked them.

Both women nodded their heads. “Every woman in the neighborhood is afraid her husband will be next,” Natalie said. “Alicia is always flirting with the men in this neighborhood. Can you believe she asked my Steve to come over and fix her kitchen faucet? He doesn’t know anything about fixing a faucet. Fortunately, he was smart enough to say he couldn’t; otherwise there might be another divorce in this neighborhood.”

“Well, maybe she does need help once in a while. She doesn’t have a man around to do all those things we depend on our husbands to do,” Libbie said.

“I don’t think she’s looking for a handyman,” June said. “The way she looks—the tight clothes she always wears—it’s obvious to me what she wants.”

Libbie shook her head. She remembered how jealous she’d been of Alicia when Jack talked to her. She could understand why the other women would be upset, too.

“I’d be careful of Alicia if I were you, Libbie,” Natalie said. “She seems to have her eyes set on Jack, not that I can blame her. He’s a good-looking guy.”

Libbie had been taking the cookies off the sheet with a spatula when Natalie’s warning hit her. She turned and looked at her friends. “What do you mean by that?”

The two women at the table looked at each other and then turned back to Libbie. Natalie spoke. “While you were away, I saw Alicia go inside your house one night after Jack came home from work.”

Libbie gasped.

“Oh, but it could have been quite innocent,” Natalie rushed to say. “I’m sure Jack would never cheat on you, Libbie. You’re a hundred times prettier than she is.”

The memory of Alicia touching Jack’s arm the night she’d seen them talking out on the lawn a few months before flashed through Libbie’s mind. She’d known then that Alicia had eyes for Jack, but why would he let her into their home?

“Libbie? Are you okay?” Natalie asked, concern edging her voice. “I didn’t mean to start anything between you and Jack. I’m sure nothing happened.”

Libbie stared at the two women. They seemed to be floating in a haze. She blinked. Why were they hazy? “It’s okay,” she told Natalie. “I’m a little tired. I hope you don’t mind, but I think I’ll lie down for a while.”

June and Natalie stood and said they understood. Libbie thanked them for bringing over the muffins and smiled and nodded at what they said until she could herd them out the door. Once they were gone, she sat down on the sofa and stared out the window. Spence came over from his spot on the window seat and jumped into her lap. Libbie pulled Spence to her and held him tightly. His fur was warm from the sunshine.

“Why would Alicia be in here?” she asked Spence. “Why would Jack let her in?”

The thought weighed heavily on Libbie. Her head began to spin with scenarios of Jack and Alicia kissing in their living room and going into the bedroom. Would Jack cheat on her? Was that why he’d been so eager to take her to the care center and leave her there?