Finding Me (16 page)

“I know, right? That’s what I said,” I cry, allowing my sisters to move forward and not home in on the fact that I’ve been misled. I’m really not surprised. I should have known. I think a part of me did and was just excited to be back here and with Kendall and the others, like things could somehow be normal.

Kendall turns and her eyes focus on me as her lips press into a thin line before lifting at the corners. It’s a hopeful smile, and I’m pretty sure an apology for deceiving me. “No, it’s a long story,” she answers.

“Where’s Landon? We’re going to need some extra man power to make a dent in all of this.”

“He’ll be back. He just had to run by his work really fast for something,” Kendall responds like the fact that Mindi just so casually asked about Landon and avoided mentioning Max as though he doesn’t even exist is completely customary, even though we’re gathered in his kitchen.

The thought distracts me from their current conversation, and my eyes rake over nearly every surface in the kitchen. I’ve cooked at this stove. I’ve emptied this dishwasher. I’ve cleared this table, and have even done fairly obscene things on the countertops that are now laden with food, yet traces of me have nearly vanished. I’ve noticed the small changes in practically every room that I’ve been in. Things that I had brought over of my own, or purchased either alone or with Max, are now gone, leaving bold shadows for my eyes to focus on.

I feel the strange desire to wrap my hand around the knobs on the cabinets, run my fingers across the counters, knowing that Max has been here and touched these objects. He’s been living in this house, erasing me from it.

A chorus of laughter brings me back to the room filled with my family, and I paint a smile on my face and pretend that I just heard whatever was said.

Caulder, Kyle, and Adam bow out of drinking after each finishes a couple of beers, and transition to water and lemonade that Mindi brought to spike with vodka. I can’t seem to stop the thoughts from churning through my mind, wondering what life would be like if my dad wasn’t gone. If I hadn’t freaked out and ran away from Max one too many times. If I was still a part of their daily and weekly lives as we sit around and share stories.

“I can’t believe you joined a gym!” Kendall cries after I suggest to Savannah that she try a spin class.

“Neither can I,” I reply, taking a long pull of my vodka. “It’s worse than I’d always feared, but I’ll admit, the classes and equipment are pretty cool.”

“You should try a hot yoga class,” Jenny adds. “I think you would really enjoy it. There’s a lot of strength building and stretching, and it’s really relaxing.”

“I went to your hot yoga class. That was the least relaxing experience of my life other than labor,” Mindi says with disdain. “I was sweating like a pig and could hardly breathe. I thought I was going to die.”

“But didn’t you feel better after?”

“No!” Mindi cries. “I have to leave the door open to the bathroom now when I shower because if I start to see any steam, my muscles quiver in fear.”

I’m already laughing, but when I hear Kendall’s giggle from beside me, and feel her lean against my side, my cheeks begin to burn because I’m laughing so hard.

When we can start breathing normal again, I look up to find Kyle staring at me with a pained expression. I know him too well. I know that he’s thinking the same things I was before dinner and mere moments ago, wondering what would have been.

“Tomorrow, we’re finally celebrating your birthday!” Kendall declares, breaking me from my distant thoughts.

“Sassy Sister Saturday!” Savannah cheers, obviously feeling the fourth vodka lemonade she’s nearly finished. With the sentiment a smile breaks out on my face as I shake my head.

“We’re not celebrating my birthday. We’re celebrating Jenny getting married,” I remind her.

“We’re also celebrating your birthday. You can legally go out with us now!” Jenny says with a smile.

“Legally? How long have you been going out?” Adam asks.

“Not long. Shortly after—”

“No, no. Don’t answer that. Neither of us wants to hear that answer,” Caulder says, shaking his head several times from his seat beside Kyle, who nods in agreement.

“Not long,” I repeat with a grin.

“Tomorrow is a girls’ night!” Mindi calls out with a cheer.

We make a final toast and then my sisters, brothers, and brother-to-be pack up, leaving us a fridge packed with salads, desserts, and a ridiculous amount of broccoli that everyone skirted around.

I feel exhausted as I nestle into the couch that is admittedly more comfortable than what I’m used to, but my mind is racing with thoughts that are too loud to allow me to sleep. The faint sound of my phone vibrating is a welcomed distraction and I dig it out of my purse to see that I have six new text messages.

Danny: I’m glad u arrived safely. XO

Danny: The low tonight where u r, is higher than our warm 2morrow. :p

Danny: I hope everything’s going well.

Danny: I already miss U. I sound like a fucking sap. What r u doing 2 me?

It’s after two here, which means he’s likely on his way to the gym for training. Somehow in the past couple of months—although I insist that we’re only friends—I’ve become acutely aware of several details and facets of his life. Lying here in my ex-boyfriend’s house, on a couch that I’ve had countless make out sessions on, I feel a flood of guilt. It’s like I’m living in two worlds: one filled with a deep-seated history, containing memories and love, but also pain and regret, and the other where I’m still struggling to find out where I fit, and how, but feeling stronger than maybe ever.

Me: It’s going really good. All of my sisters just left. It’s weird that I’m getting ready to go to bed and you’re waking up.

While I wait for him to reply, I open my other messages and see two from Fitz:

Fitz: I hope you’re having fun and relaxing.

Fitz: You must be having a lot of fun. This radio silence is deafening.

Me: Sorry, Fitzy. Left my phone in my purse and didn’t hear it. I miss you. Everything’s going really good though. I’m glad I came early.

As I finish my text to Fitz, a new message from Danny arrives.

Danny: It is. If u can’t sleep call me. I’ll skip Vinny.

Me: No way, I like that Vinny likes me—he’s scary.

Danny: He would blame me, not U.

Me: Yeah right. Say hi to Vinny, and get to work, you bum. :P I’m going to sleep off my vodka buzz.

Danny: lol sleep good, babe. Call me when U get up.

This isn’t the first time that Danny’s called me babe, but it sounds a lot louder here in California. I don’t reply. Instead, I power it off and pull the blanket, a light beige throw that I’ve never seen before, tighter around myself and search for sleep.

“A ship is safe in a harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”

–William G.T. Shedd

S
omething wakes me from my sleep, and it takes me a moment to realize where I am when I don’t see my familiar box-converted-nightstand covered in shadows, but rather a coffee table that I’ve seen countless times, covered in bright rays of sunlight. I straighten my legs and stretch as I roll my entire body to the side and freeze when I realize that the sunlight isn’t what woke me up. My heart is working to recover as I sit up and let out an excited squeal as Wes stands at the other end of the couch, and engulfs me in a hug.

“Wes!”

“Shit, it’s good to see you!” he says, pulling back and looking over my face several times.

“It’s good to see you!” And it is. Since Christmas I’ve wanted to reach out to him multiple times, but had intentionally avoided doing so. I didn’t even reach out to Jameson in an attempt to abide by the rules of breaking up and the redistribution of friendships.

“I have to get to the library in like an hour, but if you’re free later, I totally want to hang out.”

“Yeah, we’re actually going out tonight if you want to come.”

“Absolutely. Are Landon and J going out too?” The avoidance of Max’s name again doesn’t go unheard as I nod in response.

“My sisters and I are hanging out this afternoon and going to dinner first. I’ll text you the details when I know more.”

“Shit, I would totally miss this study group, but I have an exam Monday and it’s got a heavy weight tied to my grade.”

“No, don’t worry. I’m here for two weeks. Seventeen days actually.”

“I brought some breakfast though. I know from being here how crappy their food selections are,” he says, walking to the end table and producing a familiar pink box.

“You got my favorite?” My voice is woven with awe as he opens the large box and holds it out to show me the contents, all of which are French pastries from a café that we had discovered downtown one day last winter.

“What’s up, sunshine? You must have been tired. I used the spare key and was in here for ten minutes without anyone knowing.”

“I heard you, asswipe.” Landon rubs the back of his neck revealing another small glimpse of his new tattoo. “What in the hell are you doing over here so early? It’s Saturday.”

“I’m going to be stuck in a library all day today and tomorrow. But, we’re ending at eight tonight, so I’m coming out with you.”

“I’m not carrying your ass home tonight.” Landon’s remark makes me smile.

“No, I have to go back tomorrow morning at seven, so I won’t have more than a beer.”

“Uh huh.” Landon’s tone is almost cold, bringing me to look at him more carefully. There’s visible tension in his squared shoulders and straight back. It’s an exchange I don’t recall having seen from Landon … ever. His eyes shift to mine and instantly soften as a smile covers his face. He’s hiding whatever it is from me.

“What are we going to do for your first morning back in Cali?” His voice returns to the soft and gravelly tone I’m accustomed to hearing.

I allow the awkwardness to pass yet again, realizing that I don’t have the right to ask questions about what’s been going on when I’ve been so careful to separate myself. “Just hang out. Feel some sun.”

Wes wraps an arm around my shoulders and nods his head forward. “Let’s go eat on the deck. You coming?” he asks, looking over to Landon.

Landon gives a simple nod in response. The three of us gorge on French pastries with the sun soaking into my bare arms and legs, warming far more than just my skin.

“Adios, boys!” Kendall calls to Jameson and Landon as she climbs into the driver’s seat. Her car is hot and stuffy, and my fingers burn as they barely graze the metal on the seat belt. I’ve missed this feeling. I’ve missed the heat. I’ve missed my sister.

We pull into the parking lot of the same Mexican restaurant that was a norm for our Sister Sundays.

“Ace!” Savannah cries from across the restaurant as we step into the air-conditioned lobby.

Several people from other tables look from her waving arms to us, and I quietly laugh as Kendall shakes her head. “God she hangs out with kids too much.”

A waiter, carrying a tray of slushy red margaritas, queues us to all take a seat after distributing hugs to one another.

“To getting my littlest sister drunk tonight!”

Hoots and cheers from a group of guys a few tables down makes both Mindi and Kendall scowl in their direction, which leads to Jenny giggling and Savannah smiling. Everything about their reactions is familiar.

“Okay, so we’re going to go get our toes done, and maybe do some shopping, and then we’ll head downtown,” Mindi explains while we peer over our menus.

“The girls are back in town!” I look up to see Julio, the owner of the restaurant, approaching us with a fresh tray of drinks, though we’ve hardly made a dent in our current ones. “Ace, como estas? It’s been too long, mi amiga.”

My renewed peace ebbs slightly and my smile becomes a little more forced. “I’m glad to be here. The Northeast doesn’t know how to make authentic Mexican food.”

He smiles, placing a glass in front of each of us. “That just means that you have to come back. Sus hermanas miss you. I miss you. That smile!” he cries. “I miss your beautiful smile.”