Finding Me (34 page)

We each grab our garment bags from the trunk and head inside where there’s already a crowd of people congregating, finishing off last-minute details of setting up for the wedding. I’ve been struggling to envision how this was all going to happen with the swimming pool and the patio taking up such a large amount of space in the backyard, but everyone’s dismissed my concerns, assuring me that Mom knows what she’s doing.

Kendall strides over to two of our aunts from Texas, her smile growing as she greets them with warmth. My skin feels itchy at the prospect. I’m not ready to see them all and to be asked how I’m doing. I take a deep breath and brace myself in anticipation, waiting for their attention to turn to me.

“Ace!”

My heart constricts at the familiar voice, and I turn to see Sharon. Her eyes are glassy with tears, but her familiar smile is prominent as she takes the last few steps toward me and wraps me in one of her hugs, one arm securely sitting in the middle of my back and the other at the base of my neck. It feels maternal and comforting, like she knows I’m hurting right now. I don’t know if she realizes that part of it is due to her son or not, but she seems to realize my pain all the same and holds me tighter, drowning out the voices around us.

“Hi, sweetheart.” Her words are soft and comforting, followed by a couple of broken breaths that reveal this is just as emotional for her.

My arms tighten in response. We remain embraced for several moments, neither of us saying anything until my mom’s voice sings out a request for help in moving some large vases to the backyard.

As Sharon’s arms release me, my mom’s replace them. She holds on to me for a few long minutes of silence before whispering in my ear that if I need some time I can go up to my old room, reminding me that my poker face has apparently vanished for good.

I smile at her with appreciation but shake my head and turn to introduce her to Fitz. I can see the surprise and relief wash over Fitz’s smile as it grows when I say the word
mom
, and it causes my eyes to prickle with tears again. Next, I introduce Fitz to my aunts and cousins and other family members and close friends that are here to help get things ready.

The house is full of people, love, and noise, just like it’s always been. Looking around, I’m not sure that if my dad was still here if they would be. I know that many are here to support my mom through this period, even more than they are to prepare for the wedding, and though it makes my heart ache, it also expands with gratitude.

“Hey! Bosse women, upstairs!” Kyle hollers as he comes through the patio doors, wiping a sheen of sweat from his brow as he heads over to where Kendall and I are still standing with Mom, Fitz, and now Jameson.

“Mindi’s waiting for you guys. I’d go. She sounds a little worked up,” he says, jerking his head in the direction of the stairs.

“I brought some tequila. That will help her,” Kendall says with a smirk.

“Who’s this?” Kyle asks, ignoring Kendall and looking to Fitz.

“This is my good friend, Fitz, Fitz, this is my brother-in-law Kyle.”

Fitz offers his hand with a smile that looks slightly forced. I’m sure meeting this many people is already wearing on him, but I doubt anyone else can tell.

Kyle’s eyebrows rise as he looks at Fitz and then back to me, keeping his hands at his sides. “I have to go help Caulder move some things,” he says and then stalks off, turning at the door to look back at us one final time before he disappears.

“What crawled up his ass?” Kendall asks, still watching the door Kyle disappeared through.

“Probably Mindi,” Jameson replies, making both Kendall and I break into quiet laughs. Jameson looks to Fitz and nods his head, beckoning for him to follow him through a crowd of people before Kendall and I head upstairs to seek out our older sisters.

Our parents’ room has been turned into a dressing room. Garment bags, piles of tulle, shoes, and discarded clothing are strewn over nearly every inch of the room, with Jenny standing in front of our mom’s armoire. Her hands clutch the bodice of her white gown that looks like it came directly from a fairytale. I look up to see her eyes trained on me. They’re wide with concern and nerves, and something else that I can’t fully grasp before she looks over to Kendall.

“I think they switched our sizes, my dress is too tight! I can’t put it on!” Mindi cries, coming out of the bathroom in a flesh colored strapless bra and matching thong with a yellow dress thrown over her shoulder.

“You’re wearing beige underwear? Poor Kyle, what are you doing to that man?”

Mindi’s eyes flash to Kendall like laser beams, and I notice Savannah smile as she steps out of the bathroom wearing a lavender dress that touches her calves.

“I’m wearing beige underwear too,” I say, dropping my purse and garment bag on the bed.

“You’re supposed to wear an ivory dress, you should be,” Kendall says, turning to a few bottles of alcohol that have already been opened before Mindi can shoot her another glare.

I unzip my bag and pull out the dress that I’m supposed to be wearing. My sisters had selected ivory for me since I have the most olive-toned skin, saying it would wash all of them out. Mindi’s not much bigger than I am, you could never tell that she’s had three kids, but she’s a little taller, and her hips and shoulders are both slightly wider than mine.

She takes the dress from my hands and replaces it with the yellow one as she mutters incoherently and strides back to the bathroom while Jenny whistles and Kendall calls out after her about having a great ass.

Savannah and I quietly laugh as she comes over to greet me with a hug, and then Kendall hands us each a flute of champagne.

“To Jenny, our middle sister on her wedding day!”

We toast our glasses and drain them, filling my empty stomach with bubbles that work to combat my nerves as I try not to focus my thoughts on whether or not Max will come.

I stand in front of the mirror wearing the butter-yellow dress that was intended for Mindi that was apparently made to my size by accident. Mindi’s beside me applying a light shade of blush across her cheekbones. My eyes take her in wearing the ivory dress that is elegant and sexy on my sister’s frame. They move from her reflection to my own, comparing small details one at a time. I’ve gained most of the weight back that I’d lost in the first few months of being in Delaware. My calves are toned as are my arms from the classes that I’ve been taking at the gym, just like Mindi’s are, but hers are toned from chasing and carrying around three kids. Her eyes are as clear as the sky and her lips are painted a pinkish-red that looks beautiful against her creamy skin. My own eyes are the same dark shade of brown they’ve always been. However, looking at them now, I see hints of my dad in my reflection—hints that I’ve never seen before.

“God you have dad’s eyes.” Mindi’s whispered breath repeats my very thought. “You look beautiful, Ace, as always.” She wraps an arm around my shoulders and presses her face beside mine, and for the first time in what may be forever, I don’t spend the seconds focusing on our differences. I stare at us, seeing our similarities, and feel beautiful at what I find. My hair’s not as bright and my eyes aren’t an attention stopping blue, but it doesn’t matter because I have my dad’s eyes and his coloring mixed with our mom’s. I can see both of them and each of my sisters in small details of my reflection, but most of all, I see me.

Mindi’s lips curl, and she presses a kiss to my temple. “You’ve always been stunning. Don’t look so surprised.”

She steps away and Kendall’s reflection appears a few steps back. She’s wearing a darker shade of lavender that looks absolutely beautiful on her.

“How are you doing?” she asks.

My eyes turn from the mirror and look at Kendall’s as she steps up beside me. “I’m good.”

“Good as in you aren’t ready to talk about things yet, or good as in you’re trying to placate me?”

“She might be good, as in just good.” Kendall and I both turn to Savannah, her eyes intently stare at Kendall, not noticing me seeing the same emotion that Jenny’s had held when we came in. I look back to Kendall, who’s staring back at her with a silent refusal.

“I still have feelings for Max.”

My sisters’ stare-down breaks instantly at my admittance. Their eyes are wide with shock, yet their lips are turned up in matching smiles that tell me they already know this.

“Did I just hear you right?” Mindi asks, poking her head out of the bathroom.

“Yes, you did,” Jenny says from behind us.

“What are you going to do?” I can tell by the way all of my sisters turn to look at Savannah that she’s asking the question everyone wants to.

My fingers slide down the satin material of my dress as I shrug. “I don’t think it would be right for me to say anything. He’s moved on, and he’s made that abundantly clear to me.”

“Ace, I’ll give you that he’s tried moving on. He’s tried really hard, but he hasn’t.” Kendall’s hand peels one of mine from my dress and her fingers thread through mine. “You just need to talk to him. I know that’s really scary, but that way at least you won’t have any regrets.”

A heavy breath leaves me and goose bumps stretch across my skin at the prospect of doing so.

“You won’t know unless you try.” Kendall’s finger slides against the outside of my ring finger, tickling the spot that my tattoo resides as a constant reminder of the love I’ve carried for Max. At times it’s been a painful reminder, but at others, it has been a lifeline for me, reminding me that it was all real.

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.”

–Friedrich Nietzsche

“D
o you see him?” I whisper, leaning closer to Kendall and receiving a look of confusion from my escort, Ian, a groomsman that I’ve neglected to learn anything more from than his name.

Kendall cranes her neck forward, whispering something to Savannah as Mindi leans back. We’re standing in order of age, which is killing both Kendall and me since we can’t see around anyone to know if Max has shown up. She recruited Jameson’s help as soon as we finished our conversation about Max. I’m not sure what they told him to try and get him to come. I’m not even sure that they were able to get a hold of him. The last hour has passed in a blur of posing for pictures and trying to ignore the panic in my heart so my smiles looked genuine.

“There’s a couple of empty seats next to Wes,” Kendall whispers, but I can tell by the lack of conviction in her tone that she also knows this doesn’t mean much.

The music begins and I thread my arm through Ian’s and crane my neck around my other two sisters to watch Mindi and Kyle head down the aisle arm in arm.

“Ace.”

I turn around to see my mom standing beside Jenny. They both look beautiful, and excited, and a little sad.

“Remember, sometimes you have to listen to your heart and block this out.” She taps her finger against my temple, bringing me back to last year and the morning after I slept with Max and went home when I found him pacing across the floor with anger burning in his eyes. Anger that I later learned was regret, an emotion that will torment you.

I slide my arm free from Ian and hug my mom with a fierceness that fills me with a strength I haven’t felt in a long time. “I love you too, mom.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. I love you so much.”

Jenny swipes away a tear before it can fall down her cheek, and her lips quiver between a smile and frown as her eyes turn away from us.

“Your daddy’s sittin’ in heaven right now, watchin’ his little girls that have somehow become women, and I know he’s proud of each of you, just as I am. You girls and your sisters are my world.”

The front door behind us pushes open and Max appears, wearing a black suit. He’s missing a tie and a couple of buttons on his shirt, but I barely notice because I’m staring at the black Converse shoes that have made my heart stop.

When my eyes return to his clean shaven face, his cobalt eyes are focused on mine, making my heart start again at a rapid speed that makes my head feel light.

“I’m sorry.” His eyes lock on me as he says the words, but his head turns to Jenny and my mom. Slowly, his gaze follows suit.

“We’re glad you came,” Jenny says, wiping another tear from her eyes as her smile becomes firmer.

Max nods once and then hangs back. Ian clears his throat beside me, bringing my attention to the fact that it’s our turn to head down the aisle. I look back once more, catching a last glimpse of Max before we take a step forward and walk out to the kitchen and follow the path to the backyard.