Finding My Forever (30 page)

I
’M
experiencing one of the most erotic moments in my life and there isn’t jack shit I can do about it. I’m too weak physically and because of that I can’t even begin to please my wife. I can only remember what she feels like wrapped around my dick and how she sounds when she’s moaning my name. Fuck, right now I can’t even breathe without the aid of some godforsaken machine. I want to get out of this bed, but I can’t. I can’t even have a piss by myself. I have to take a leak into a bucket. Thank fuck the plastic tube sticking out of my dick has gone. I hate thinking about everything my wife has seen this past month. I hate that she’s seeing the absolute worst from me.

For better or for worse, in sickness and health – those are the vows we said to each other, and look at me taking advantage of those words to the max. I’m going to throw myself my own fucking pity party and ask her to buy me a bloody cake so I can celebrate. Her fucking nutter of an ex shot me like the bastard coward he is. He can’t fight like a man. No, he hits women and when that doesn’t do it for him, he shoots people.

If I ever…

I close my eyes as the sponge moves over my body. Her touch is gentle and soothing. I can tell without even asking her, that she’s been doing this the entire time I’ve been here. I’m glad it’s her. Not that I want her to stare at my fucked up body, but she has the most reason to take care of me. With my luck I would probably have got my own personal Sam and she’d cut my crown jewels off or something equally as messed up.

I have my wife – one that loves me – no matter what and if this doesn’t prove that we’re going to make it through anything, I don’t know what will.

I listen intently as she recounts what happened. Her voice – it does something to me, even though it shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be turned on right now, but I am. My arm, the one without all the wires, tries to move, but it’s slow and unsteady. It’s unbelievable how one month of no movement renders it useless. My fingers finally get close enough to touch her hair when she smiles at me. She leans forward and rests her head in the crook of my neck. My limp arm falls on her. Romantic, right?

“I just want to hold you, Jenna.” I can’t even begin to think how she’s felt this past month. If I do, I’ll go crazy. If she was in this bed and our roles were reversed, I don’t know what I would’ve done.

Having her lie beside me isn’t enough, but I know that’s all I’m going to get at the moment. She’s not going to let me get away with anything.

“You should put your oxygen mask on.”

I scoff and roll my eyes. “I’m trying to love you right now.” I’m almost out of breath and can’t even think about how different my life is going to be now. “I need to hold you.”

“I told you, I’m not going anywhere.”

She sits up, already breaking her promise.

“You just left me.”

She shakes her head and giggles. “I’m covering you up. You don’t want to catch a cold and you don’t want your mom to see you like this.”

“I think my mum knows we have sex, Sweet Lips.” I say, pointing to her belly.

“Incorrigible, that’s what you are. We can’t have sex, Jimmy. You need to heal.”

“But my sexy wifey, you can straddle me and hang onto the rails. I’ll do all the work, I promise.”

She’s not buying it, clearly. She re-ties my ridiculous excuse for a hospital gown and covers me back up. Tucking me in like I’m a baby. I like being pampered, but this is going to get old fast.

“Jenna?”

“Yeah, Jimmy?”

“I love you.”

I’m rewarded with a smile that puts all the others to shame. “I love you too.”

I smile weakly. “I’m tired.”

“I know you are. You should rest. I won’t go anywhere.” I don’t know where the fatigue came from, but suddenly I’m exhausted. Jenna slips my oxygen mask over my nose and mouth and I instantly hate it. I can’t kiss her now. It’s a sad realisation that I can’t do any of the things I want to do with my wife right now, except look at her.

She sits down next to me and holds my hand. Is this what she did while I was in a coma? Part of me wishes I knew, but the other part doesn’t want to know. I don’t want to know if she cried, although I know she did. I don’t want to know that she didn’t take care of herself. I can see it in her eyes. She’s tired. She should’ve been taking care of herself and Little One, not sitting by my side day in, day out.

But I’m happy that she did. It warms me to know that she never left my side, that when things got rough she anchored down and held us afloat.

She’s the last thing I see when I close my eyes. Her head rests on my bed next to me. I want to pull her into bed with me and hold her while I sleep, but I know it’s not possible. I heard everything the doctor said, I just don’t want to believe it. No sex now and it’ll be questionable later and because of the damage to my lungs. I’m not breathing at ‘
full capacity
’ whatever the fuck that means. I’ll need physical therapy to help me rebuild my stamina. But the worst thing? I’ll be carrying around an oxygen tank with me for a while until I can breathe on my own at ninety percent. Fucking
great.

When I wake up my blinds are closed and it’s dark. There’s a small light coming from the corner, but that’s the only light I can see. I reach for Jenna, but find her spot is empty. She’s not here. She said she’d never leave me. My heart rate increases causing the machine to start beeping like wildfire.

“Hey, what’s the matter?”

My mum comes into view. Her fingers work their way through my hair. She did this when I was little to soothe me. I close my eyes and let her work her magic as I try and calm down. I’m afraid to remove my mask. I can feel my lungs struggling to get air. Tears sting my eyes. I refuse to let the water drip down my face. I will not cry, not now. Who knew bullet holes would cause so much damage?

“Are you okay?”

I nod, even though I’m not. I want my wife to be sitting next to me so I know she’s okay. “Jenna,” I mumble into my mask. My mum smiles and I don’t know if she’s doing so because I’m awake or if she actually understood what I said.

“Your wife is lovely, Jimmy. I’ve watched her take care of you for a month. She loves you so much and is very happy that you’re having a baby together. I never thought, after Chelsea, that you’d fall in love again. I had hoped, but also realised that you were young, hurt and going to do whatever you needed to mend your heart.

“The day you called and told me that you got married, my first thought was that you were doing something stupid and reckless like I read about in the papers. When you said that she was pregnant and you were the father, my words were ‘
You don’t need to marry her because of the baby, you can work something out, maybe live together and raise the baby’
, and do you remember what you said to me?”

I shake my head.

“You said, “Mum, Jenna is the one woman that I can see myself falling in love with. I didn’t marry her because she’s having my bub, I married her because she makes me feel whole.

“I’ve watched her, Jimmy. I’ve watched her to see how she was around you and do you know what I saw?”

I shake my head again.

“I saw a woman who loves her husband with every bone in her body. You both make me believe that it doesn’t matter how you got together, but what you do once you have each other is what counts. Maybe that’s the secret. Maybe everyone should marry someone they don’t know well and let life lead them wherever it takes them. Whatever journey you, Jenna and Little One are on, it’s the right one. I can see nothing but happiness for you.

“I do wish I had met her under different circumstances, but I give my daughter-in-law all the credit in the world. You were her priority and she made sure you had the best care possible. But I do think bath time was her favourite.”

I smile and move my mask up. “Mine too.”

W
E
are leaving Chicago today after being here for six-weeks. Jimmy can’t walk without assistance yet and it’s driving him batty. Physically, he can walk, but his oxygen levels are still too low to maintain his normal habits. This also means no performing until he’s given the okay by his doctor.

I’m not even going to sugarcoat it — I’m ready to go back to Beaumont. I’m tired of hospital life. I’d like to say I’ll never be back, but Little One’s due date is fast approaching. I’m just thankful that Jimmy will be there to help bring her into the world because if he missed this, I don’t think he’d forgive himself.

Jimmy’s most recent set of x-rays show his lungs have healed, but there’s scar tissue that could be bothersome later in life. He has to work with a physical therapist three days a week until he’s cleared. Liam thought it was a good idea for the band to get into shape, so he hired a guy named Alexander Knight to see to the bands’ needs. He’ll be doing Jimmy’s training as well. Liam wants to keep it all in the family. If I didn’t know better I’d think that Liam is developing a mob mentality. Not that you’re going to hear me complain.

Katelyn and Josie have already dished on his deets. He’s single, goes by the nickname Xander and has the most delectable muscles. This is from Josie. It’s a good thing Liam has her wrapped around his finger because Xander might be his competition. Katelyn says his eyes are caramel colored and she might have a hard time focusing when he’s showing her how to tone her arms.

Damien is still on the loose. From what we’ve been told, his parents were under surveillance for a while and were even brought in for questioning. They admitted to knowing about the abuse, saying that he confided in them that he needed help, but they didn’t want to meddle. I don’t know if I should thank them for not meddling or bash their heads together for keeping their mouths shut.

I’m happy with my husband who is sleeping for the last time in his hospital bed. Tonight, he’ll be in the comforts of our new home, courtesy of Josie and Katelyn. Here’s what I learned. My husband is a sneaky little shit. While he was on tour, instead of resting or preparing for that night’s show he, along with my two best friends, were plotting behind my back to buy us a house. When we return to Beaumont I’ll be a suburban housewife complete with a porch swing and white picket fence. As much as I want to yell at him, I can’t. He did this for me and Little One and I’m grateful.

I’ve spent many hours watching Jimmy sleep. It’s funny, I never thought it would be an activity that I’m fond of, but I am. I think it’s the only time his mind shuts down and allows his body to rest because when he’s awake, he wants… no, he needs… to be a part of everything going on.

His dad will be here soon. I’m dreading this and so is Brigette. James had the audacity to ask for a “private” visit, which I vehemently denied. I don’t trust him and I definitely don’t want Chelsea in here alone with him. Jimmy is getting stronger by the day, but he’s not in a position to fend off unwanted attacks by a psycho ex-girlfriend or the verbal barrage his father plans to let loose.

Maybe Chelsea isn’t psycho and that’s an unfair assessment. From what I’ve learned they had a pretty solid relationship, until she screwed up. Maybe I should thank her because had she not, I wouldn’t be standing here today. And Jimmy wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed with a machine hooked up to him making sure he’s getting enough oxygen. So I’m the bad seed. I brought this onto him. I put him there. Damn him and his intuitive mind knowing that the baby was his.

“What are you thinking about?” his voice is raspy, sexy. I want to hear him talk to me like this all day, but he can’t. Right now the most he can go is twenty minutes before the mask has to go on, and sooner if we’ve been making out like horny teenagers.

I shake my head and walk over to him. I don’t want him to know I’m second guessing us meeting. He doesn’t need to worry about the guilt that I’m carrying around with me. He’s in this bed because of me. His lungs are damaged because I didn’t leave when I wanted to. I let people convince me to stay when I knew how dangerous Damien was, albeit I never thought he’d try to kill someone.

My someone.

I lean down and kiss him.

“My lips are dry,” he says as I pull away.

I nod and reach into the bag of essentials I’ve placed next to his bed. There’s everything here that he needs. Lip balm, handiwipes, lotion and candy to suck on. I pull out the lip balm and hand it to him. I’m supposed to stop enabling him and let him do things for himself. What the doctor doesn’t understand is that I like doing these things for him. It’s intimate for us and we need that right now.

“You don’t want to do it for me?” he asks, taking the tube from my hand.

“I do, but you’re supposed to do it yourself.”

“Come here,” he demands. I lean forward so that I’m inches away from him. He smiles as he uncaps the lip balm. He places it on my lips, rubbing it back and forth on my bottom and top lip. He leans forward and kisses me hard. “There, now I’m all set.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Knock, knock.”

“You have company,” I say quietly enough for him to hear me. He closes his eyes and nods.

“I love you.”

I lean forward and kiss him again before turning and pasting on a welcoming face. I hear Jimmy adjust his bed so he’s sitting up a bit more.