Finding My Pack (24 page)

"After that I found the library and I already told you about that. It was my go-to place for warmth and when I needed to look something up. The park was another place I often hung out at, I didn't play with the kids much because the mothers thought I'd get their kids sick too. I liked the sandbox and if other kids would come near it I'd start pretend-coughing or sneezing. I once pretended that I had rabies and chased all the kids off."

  I start laughing and so does Reed. "You were a firecracker even then I see." He jokes.

  "Well, I wasn't about to let them run me off. You wouldn't believe how many times I heard the word 'shoo' before I was even ten summers. Like I was a fly or something. I shake my head, remembering. Reed starts to look sad so I continue on.

  "A lot of homeless people hang out in the library in winter, and I learned of the soup kitchen from one of them. A nice guy told me about it, he had been in the Gulf war I think, and I later realized that he had PTSD. He wasn't bad or lazy, he just couldn't function in the real world anymore. I soon learned that if I showed up at the soup kitchen alone that I brought more attention to myself. He often would wait for me there before going in.

His name was Davis. He taught me the importance of a good backpack and dry socks. He also introduced me to people willing to lie to the food bank people. They won't give out food to homeless people without the proper paperwork, but if you bring a hungry looking kid with you, they usually bend the rules. You just can't keep going back or social services will be there waiting for you."

  "Anyway, Davis always came along with us, making sure I got my half of the food. He didn't trust anyone. He always called our trips missions, and would point out potential bad guys and the obstacles we'd face. It was something else I looked at like a game."

  "It sounds like he was a great guy that looked out for you Kitten, what happened to him?"

  I clear my throat, dislodging the wrecking ball that wants to take up space there. "He jumped from a bridge one day, killing himself," I answer. "He left me a letter, it's in the treasure box in Remy's empty room." Reed looks horrified so I move on again.

  "After he was gone, I quit going to the food bank. It just seemed wrong to go on missions without him to cover me. I had found a nice apartment building by that time. It had a basement that no one ever went into with a storage closet. I also had my treasure box in the woods then, so I only ever needed my pack with me. It made traveling easier and I could somewhat blend in with school kids in the morning. If a police officer saw me he'd figure I was just skipping class and threaten to call my parents. I'd give them the library's phone number, but they never called it, just let me go with a warning not to skip school.

  By then I was also determined to keep up with what I would be learning in school, had I been enrolled. The library's educational section was vast and soon I surpassed where I should've been. With a photographic memory I learned that I didn't actually have to read the pages, just look at them. When the library ran out of material that I wanted, I went to the community college library. I couldn't check anything out, but I could read it there.

  "I had no real source of food then, but college kids are wasteful as heck and they leave stuff everywhere. If you're wondering if I ate trash, then yes, I did. It kept me alive and I'm not ashamed of it." That's a lie, but I'll never admit it.

  Reed's eyes are cloudy as he responds. "It's okay Kitten, I'd never judge you for that. I'm just happy that you stayed alive." I nod my head once.

  "I continued on like that until one day a college guy saw me digging through a trash bin. I didn't care that he saw me, but I was worried he'd tell security. I stopped what I was doing and sat by a tree, waiting until he left. Instead of leaving though, he ate his lunch slowly, moaning and groaning about how good it was, making a real show of it. I was drooling at that point, wondering what he had that was so good. When he was finished with it, he didn't take it to the trash bin but threw it on the ground. He had walked over to me, his friend followed him. I don't think he even knew what was going on. He got in my face and told me 'If you want to scavenge like a dog then you can eat it off the ground like a real bitch'. The words hurt, but it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before. What hurt more was look the guy's friend gave me. He pitied me, I saw it in his eyes. He wasn't mean like the other guy, but the look he gave me hit me hard. I didn't want to have someone pity me."

  "That was the last day I ever ate trash. I found Marie, the hooker I told you about, after that. I was starving to death by that time, I had no idea how to get money or food. I was getting desperate. She got me the dishwashing job and when they didn't have work for me there, one of the cooks referred me to the hotel with the laundry job. I had money for the first time in my life. I had moved to the warehouse to be closer to work. After a time, it seemed reasonably safe as long as I didn't go there at night. I even felt good enough about it that I brought my treasure chest, thinking I could make a home of it. I had gotten mugged right before Marie was killed, that's why I needed the bread. The restaurant didn't need me because the owner's nephew was in town and wanted the money and the hotel was cracking down on the illegals working there, which included me, even though I'm a citizen. The night Ash and Tristan found me was just a couple of days after I went back to work at the restaurant. And here I am."

  I finish talking, my throat gone dry a long time ago. Reed is just staring at me, not saying a word. I can't tell what he's thinking. When he finally speaks, his voice is rough with unshed tears, he's sadder than ever.

  "That's a really messed up story Kitten, a messed up life. So many people could have saved you, could have done something about it, but they chose to look the other way. You didn't have to go through that." A tear falls from his gorgeous eye onto his cheek. I lift my hand up, brushing it away.

  "Name one Reed, name one person who you think did me wrong."

  "First off, your parents." I nod, I agree with him there.

  "Second, the crazy cat lady."

  I smile. Gottcha. "Her name was Patricia Lee Stevens, she was admitted to a long-term mental care facility two years after I ran away from her. She was diagnosed as a bipolar schizophrenic. I tracked her down a couple summers ago in order to find out more about where I came from. She didn't remember me of course, because in her mind, at the time, I was a cat. I managed to get her to tell me what alley and dumpster she found me in by asking her questions like, 'do remember ever having a talking cat? Or a cat who had really long hair and grew bigger than the others?'. That's how I managed to get the security tapes that were going to lead me to my parents and the baby blanket that she found with me. It was still on her person when she was taken in since she believed it made her invisible. You say she wronged me, but I say I wouldn't be laying in front of you right now if she didn't fish me from the trash. Then she aided me once more when she was in the mental facility."

  Reeds looks frustrated. "But surely you can see how badly she wronged you, Kitten! What about all of the people you had to of passed on the street? Huh? Did no one care that a mentally unstable woman was in charge of a baby!"

  "Yes Reed, she did bad things. But she was confused, she did the best she could under the circumstances. She got me far enough along. Patricia the person did no harm to me, the crazy cat lady who looked at a baby and saw a cat did. Her disease made her do those things, it wasn't her fault. I forgave her a long time ago. The dumpster I was in was actually close to a busy street, she's the only one who took the time to stop and hear me. She saved my life."

"Well, when you put it that way..."

  "Next person who you think wronged me." I cut him off, in a hurry to be done with this and make him see it my way.

  Reed narrows his eyes, he knows what I'm up to. "The nurse in the hospital that told you, you would hurt the other kids and that you were dirty. She had an obligation to report you to social services and instead, she insulted a child and sent you away." He looks so smug. I ALMOST hate to wipe that look off his face. Yeah right, I like to win too much and he already beat me once. I am SO winning this conversation.

  "She had an obligation to her patients first and I was, in fact, putting them at a higher risk of infection. I can't hate her for not doing something that I didn't want her to do. Which was calling social services. And by her telling me I was dirty, it made me curious enough to look it up and learn to clean myself properly. To this day, I still wash my hands like I saw her do it. Who knows....by washing properly, she could have saved me from getting ill myself. Next"

Reed frowns but nods. "The librarian. She too could have called social services but I know you're going to say the same as the nurse. Besides that, instead of telling you the answers to the questions you had, she could have just answered them, or she could have taken you home.

  "By her not giving me the answers she taught me to rely on myself. Better than knowing the answers to things, is knowing
how
to find them. Problem-solving skills are a great asset. She had four kids of her own that she struggled to keep fed on a librarian's salary as a single mother."

  "The guy with PTSD, Davis. He abandoned you when he committed suicide, I know he broke your heart when he did that, Kitten. You shouldn't have had to learn about that at such a young age."

  My throat tightens again but I swallow it back. This, he really needs to understand. "Before Davis died he taught me a lot. Without the knowledge he gave me, I know I wouldn't still be alive. He taught me how to spot a bad person from a good one before they ever got close. He taught me not to trust the wrong people. I will forever be grateful to him for everything he did for me. It did hurt me when he committed suicide, but that showed me that bad things happen, but you have to move on, push through it and not let it cripple you. Also, that death is a part of life. Everyone learns it, I just learned the hard way. His reasons for doing it are in his letter. I wouldn't have made the same choice and I only wish I could've helped him. But even with that, it taught me never to wait to help someone, to not be afraid to say what needs to be said, and not to take even one moment for granted with those you care about."

Reed swallows hard. "The college guy," He whispers.

  "That experience got me to stop eating trash Reed, that's an obvious one. The look from his friend forced me to take pride in myself."

  "Marie, the hooker." He's staring down at his lap now.

  "I already explained about her. She couldn't take me in because she thought it was dangerous. She didn't say it, but the truth was that she had a pimp. What she probably meant by 'dangerous' was that if her pimp knew about me, he'd force me to sell my body to men. I wasn't in a position to defend myself from someone like that Reed and she wasn't strong enough to leave him. I think some part of her loved him and he loved her. He buried her at North Lawn Cemetery with a very nice gravestone."

"I'm sorry." Reed whispers.

  "For what?" I ask angrily. All of this was for nothing, he's still sad. He still feels sorry for me. That's not what I wanted.

  "Because my heart is not as big as yours. Because I can't forgive those people for failing you as easily as you do. Because I still know that you deserved better. And because...." He trails off, taking a deep breath. "... Because I love you more now, then I did an hour ago and I'm not sure there's anyone alive on this planet that will ever be worthy of you."

My anger disappears. Tears stream down my own face as I study him. He means it, I can tell. I told him everything about myself. The bad things included, and he says he still wants me, that he loves me, that he still thinks I'm a good person.

  "Reed..." I sit up, looking down at him. "...I decide who's worthy of me. It's my choice. And you don't have to forgive anyone. Forgiveness is a choice, and I already forgave those people. They were who they were, just trying to make it through this life like everybody else. Sometimes people can't see past today, they can't see that the choices they make now will affect the future. I don't blame anybody else for the life I've had. Whatever happened in the past, set me up for my future. The few people who showed me kindness taught me lessons that can never be forgotten, the mean people made me a stronger person. All of them combined molded and shaped me into the person in front of you who you said you love. Don't you see that Reed?"