Authors: Krista Lakes
Andrew, Luke, Britney, and Eli were still my closest friends despite us all going in different directions. Andrew and Luke both stayed in Conifer after graduation for family reasons; Britney moved closer to the city to go to school, but still worked at the local Mexican restaurant as a waitress on weekends and breaks. Eli got a job down in Denver and was working his way up the corporate ladder. I had gone off to Boulder on a scholarship.
I wished I had never left. School had been easy for me in high school and I had made my academic scholarship easily. Unfortunately, I made some poor decisions in college. I snickered at myself as I turned off the main road.
Poor decisions
? That was the polite way of saying I screwed my life up. My
poor decisions
forced me to come back home in disgrace and failure.
Only Luke knew the true extent of my poor decisions, and I had no intention of telling anyone else. Not even my dad knew. It was too shameful. I had to find a new path for my life. I knew I didn't want to work as a grocery clerk for the rest of my life, but I couldn't go back to the life I had in Boulder. I had lost myself there, and I was still picking up the pieces, putting myself back together.
I parked in the back of the parking lot and headed into the store. I was excited to see all my friends after my shift. I had missed them all when I was away at school, and because of all our busy lives, we hadn't all been in the same place since summer. I was most excited to get to spend time with Andrew though. Even since I had come back, we hadn't been able to spend much time together. At least I saw him more than when I was in college. While I was away, we had talked on the phone. Andrew and Luke both came up to visit a couple of times, but it just wasn't the same.
I had been nervous to come home and be a failure in everyone's eyes. I knew Luke hadn't told anyone what I had done, but I still saw judgment everywhere I went. Except Andrew. When he looked at me, he saw someone worthwhile. He just treated me like I had never left, and I realized just how much I had missed him. I wouldn't have made the poor decisions I did if he had been around.
I sighed and put my work apron on, punching into the clock. Time to get my head out of memories and get ready to start my shift. Only a few hours until freedom and friends. I wondered how many people were going to reference the weather today as I headed to the checkout stand.
Chapter 2
A small flame grew, feeding on the dry grass. At first, it was more smoke than flame, but it grew quickly. Soon a trickle of flame spread into the deeper grass, finding a feast of dry tinder. It only took moments for the flames to spread along the roadside, incinerating everything they touched. The stars came out to watch the pretty flames dance along the side of the road, their silent light pale compared to the orange and red glow.
I got off my shift at 2:30, so I headed over to our usual meeting spot. I parked in the back corner of the West Hardware Store parking lot and walked along the edge of the crumbling asphalt towards the main building. My feet followed a worn path along the wall of the building, my hand trailing behind me on the warm plastic siding. The back lot of the store was deserted, piles of lumber sitting under big blue plastic tarps. I was the first person there, so I claimed a spot in the sun, pulling the tarp off to sit on the wood.
The sunshine was warm on my face, the day unseasonably nice. I had worn a light fleece jacket, one that I hadn't worn since coming home from college. It felt marvelous to just sit in the sun, soaking it up like a cat, losing myself to the blue sky. I could smell the sweet earthy scent of wood and dirt mixed with scent of the warm plastic tarp. This was one of my favorite places. We used to all play hide and seek here when we were younger. It always felt safe here, like I could hide under these tarps and the world would disappear.
I put my hands in my jacket pockets and felt a hard plastic square. It was my student ID card. My carefree mood slipped away like water through my fingers. I stared at the smiling person on the card, her bright eyes staring back accusingly at me. Her smile mocked me; it was so confident, so ready to face any challenge. That girl had no idea what was going to happen.
I wanted to fling it across the lumber yard. I wanted to burn it. I wanted to throw it in a pit of fiery lava and watch it melt into black smoke that would just blow away and never bother me again. The girl in the picture ridiculed me because she was still innocent.
The sound of footsteps snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see Luke towering over me, his thin frame dominating my vision. I sat up and he sat down where my feet had been. Luke was only a year older than me, but today he looked like he carried the weight of a much older man. His dark blonde hair was disheveled from running his hands through it and the knot on his tie was crooked. I had a feeling he had tied it himself this morning and no one had fixed it for him. He sat hunched forward, his eyes focusing on a straggly weed trying to find a foothold near the back entrance. His hazel eyes held only defeat.
“You OK?” I asked, tucking the id card back in my pocket. I didn't want anyone to see it.
“Nope,” he said flatly. The custody hearing must have gone badly. My heart sank. Luke loved his little brother something fierce. He was seven years older than Tyler, but the two of them were always together. Luke was extremely protective of his little brother, and Tyler practically worshiped the ground Luke walked on. If Barb won custody, Tyler would be moving to California and Luke would never get to see him. The thought broke my heart.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Nope.”
We sat there quietly, waiting for the others to arrive. I scooted closer to Luke, putting my head on his shoulder. His warmth was comforting, and he tipped his head to rest against mine. I could feel the worry radiating off him, his shoulders tense with anxiety.
Luke was the most loyal and trustworthy person I had ever known. He was always looking out for the little guy, making sure that no one ever got hurt. He looked out for me like a big brother. In 7
th
grade, I had the misfortune of getting glasses and braces at the same time; Luke, the big strong 8
th
grader, threatened to beat up all the kids that teased me about it. I had loved him after that. We went out on a date once in middle school, but it never went anywhere. He became the older brother I never had but had always wanted.
He continued to look out for me in high school, helping me make friends. There were six of us my freshman year. Luke, Britney and Eli were a year older than Andrew, Jen and I, but we all ate lunch together and hung out after school. I thought we were going to be friends forever we were all so close, but that didn't work out.
Before we made the promise never to date within ourselves, Jen and Eli became a serious couple. For a while things were great, but then, as is common in high school couples, the two of them had a fight. It resulted in a bitter breakup, and made being around either one of them awkward. They refused to be in the same room as one another, and their split forced us to choose sides. The only reason the five of us were still together was because Jen moved. After that, we all swore to never date within ourselves. Our friendships were too important to risk.
Our promise worked. None of us dated and we all were still friends years after graduation. It was hard, and we had all been tempted to break the promise at some point, but we never did. It was what made our friendship so strong. I never thought we would change.
I felt Luke sigh underneath me. It felt shaky, like he was holding in sobs. I hated seeing him like this. Since Luke was my adopted big brother, I became Tyler's adopted "big sis". I was worried for Tyler. The kid was the shyest person I had ever met. The only time he came out of his shell was if he was onstage. The kid could sing, act, and dance. Tyler said he could do it because he wasn't himself on the stage- he was the performer. Unfortunately, he was terrified of auditions and people he didn't know. This wasn't a problem in small school like ours; most of the cast of the school plays came from the drama teacher walking down the hallway and assigning parts to students.
If Tyler went to a bigger school, one where auditions actually mattered, he would retreat further into his shy little shell. He had made such progress this year. I worried what would happen to him if he was forced to go someplace new.
Luke shifted, and I raised my head to see a several people walk around the corner of the building. Andrew led, looking tired and worn, with Eli and Britney following close behind. Our little gang was all here. Eli and Britney's smiles fell off their faces as soon as they saw Luke. He wore a mask of awful disappointment.
Britney rushed forward and hugged Luke, whispering, “Aw, honey. It'll be alright.” Britney is the only person I have ever known that could get away with calling people 'honey' and making it genuine. She smiled at him, sitting on his other side as Eli walked over and handed him a beer from his backpack. Luke popped the top and took a gulp. His hands shook slightly, but from what emotion, I wasn't sure. He let the half-empty can rest on his knee as he took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly.
“The judge said my dad wasn't as good a parental option as my mom,” he said slowly, his voice full of heartache. “He said that my dad works too much, that there isn't a strong paternal presence. He said I don’t count. The fucker said I didn't factor into 'the child's opportune growing environment'. Bull shit! I practically raised that kid myself!”
Luke's voice began to raise, his voice cracking as he continued. “Who does Tyler go to when he needs help with his homework? Me. Who drives Tyler to school? Me. Who cooks and does his laundry? Me! Mom is too busy with her business and Dad 's too busy with his store to even notice the kid. Grams and Gramps pay attention to him, but they are busy with their retirement. That's why they fucking moved to California in the first place. But Mom has to go be near them and drag Tyler with her just because it will hurt Dad. Not a single person in that whole fucking courtroom gave a rat's ass what happened to Tyler!”
Luke screamed at no one in particular. He was breathing hard, his face turning red and highlighting the dried tear streaks running down his face. I put my hand on his shoulder, feeling the rage burn through him. He lifted the can up to his lips and downed the rest of the beer. I wanted to cry, to scream in mutual frustration. We all sat quietly, unsure of what to say. Luke was usually the most grounded and calm of all of us. I could count the number of time I had heard him curse on one hand until today. This wasn't a side of Luke that we were used to seeing. I could see Britney biting her lip as she watched him, her face contorted with shared pain. Eli stood off to the side, his arms crossed and his eyes intentionally not looking at Luke. Andrew sat on a pile of wood, staring at the ground, his hands clasped before him. It was Andrew that finally broke the silence.
“I am so sorry, man. You and Tyler don't deserve that,” he said slowly looking up at Luke.
Luke nodded curtly, and stood up. He crushed the can under his foot and walked towards the store building frowning at the weeds.
“I just don't know what to do,” he whispered. His shoulders slumped in defeat. The anger seemed to have burned through him, leaving him hollow. He turned around, his face nothing but despair. “How do I fix this?”
Everyone was quiet. I wished I had an answer for him. I hated seeing my big strong protector so beat down. Britney stood up and hugged him, her tiny frame wrapping around his tall one like a vine around a pole.
“I don't think this is something you can fix by yourself, honey,” she said quietly. “I know that we will help you through this though. You aren't in this alone. We all know how much you love Tyler. We all love that kid too. We will find a way to get him to where he belongs.”
Everyone nodded, murmuring similar words. It felt like so little.
“Have you talked to your mom about this at all?” Andrew asked as he fished in Eli's backpack for a beer. He found one and tossed it to Luke before pulling another one out for himself. He looked at Britney, his eyebrows raised as he opened the bag for another. She shook her head no as she released Luke but still keeping near him, so he turned to me. I nodded and he tossed one carefully to me, leaving the bag open leaning against the wood pile.
“Like she listens to me. They both see me as a child. It's frustrating as hell,” he said popping the top, but instead of drinking he just stared into the can.
“What about the lawyers?” I ventured, playing with the cold can. The weight felt good in my hands, but I had no intention of opening it.
Luke shrugged noncommittally. “My dad's lawyer said if we want to appeal, we need to prove a more stable home life, a better family structure or something. I wasn't paying much attention at that point.”
The silence hung like a cold mist between us. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't pleasant either. We all were just looking for the right words to say. Looking for words that would make this better, but not finding any.
“Thank you guys for being here today. It means a lot,” Luke said quietly. A cloud crossed in front of the sun, making the sunny yard suddenly gloomy. He looked around at everyone, the corners of his lips curling up in an attempt of a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Britney hugged him again and then sat down next to me.
“Anytime, bro. Anytime,” Eli replied setting down his can on the ground. He smashed it with his foot, the metallic crunch punctuating his sentence before diving into his backpack for a second. I played with the can in my hands, feeling the cool metal slide against my skin. I didn’t want to open it, I didn’t want the responsibility that came with it. Too many memories.