Authors: Andrea Simonne
“Kate,” Declan says speaking softly.
“Who’s the guy in those drawings?”
Even though there are a lot of
drawings of guys in my various sketch books, most of them friends, I know
immediately who he’s referring to. I hesitate before I speak though.
“Ben. Those drawings are of Ben.”
He seems surprised, but then nods.
“I should have guessed that. You guys were close huh?”
“We were at one time.”
“So who screwed it up—you or him?”
“He did.”
“Did he cheat on you?”
“No. He wanted to get married and
when I said I wasn’t ready he broke it off.”
“Seriously? What an idiot.” Though
Declan pronounces the word like idjit. “And this is the guy you were so nervous
about seeing again?”
“I know, but it was ages ago. We
were both really young and I don’t think either of us knew what we were doing.”
I stop talking because I realize I’m making excuses for Ben’s behavior.
“How old were you?”
“Twenty-two.”
Declan smiles. “That’s not so
young. One of my sisters got married when she was younger then that. A lot of
girls I know got married younger than that.”
“Well, I notice
you’re
still single,” I say pointedly. “What are you implying? I made a mistake not
marrying him?”
“No, not at all. You did the right
thing. If he really loved you he would have waited. He probably wasn’t ready
either and just used that as an excuse to get out of the relationship.”
I stare at Declan. This was an
angle on the whole Ben thing I’d never even considered. “Do you really think
so?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never met him.
I’ve seen guys do some dumb things though.”
We’re both silent. “So why is it
you’ve never gotten married?”
Declan repositions himself on the
couch, lying down and tucking a small purple pillow behind his head. “Ah, now
that’s a good question. Perhaps you and my mother could have a nice cup of tea
and discuss it sometime. It is, in fact, her favorite topic of conversation.
That along with when am I moving back home and why don’t I go to church.”
“Haven’t you ever wanted to marry
someone?”
He stares at me for a long moment
and then looks away. “I did consider it once. Years ago.”
“And?”
“It didn’t work out.”
I wait for him to continue, but he
doesn’t say anything. “That’s it? You can’t just tell me it didn’t work out and
not say anything else.”
He puts his hand up, rubbing his
forehead. “You don’t want to hear all this. I was nineteen and a very different
sort of person back then.”
“Tell me. I do want to hear. I’ve
never heard you talk about yourself when you were younger.”
“Because it’s not something I like
to talk about. I ran with a rough crowd.” He pauses as if weighing whether to
continue or not. “I spent most of my time drinking and fighting. People called
us Boot Boys, which basically meant we were bullies. We used to break into
people’s homes and vandalize them, steal things, not that I needed the money.
It was only fun and games. If you want to know the real truth, I was a fecking
arsehole and it’s a miracle I’m not dead or in jail.”
I stare at him unable to hide my
shock. “I don’t believe it....” I try to imagine Declan as some kind of young
hooligan and the strange thing is that I can picture it. He has this quality
where even though he doesn’t seem violent, I’ll bet he could handle himself if
he had to. He’s street smart.
“My friend Colin and I used to get
pissed regularly and then find empty houses to break into where we’d take it
upon ourselves to ‘redecorate’—that’s what we used to call it. We did a lot of
shite like that and worse. Colin and I were best mates. We had each other’s
backs, if you know what I mean. Anyway, there was this girl named Leanna that I
fell in love with and when Colin found out it got ugly.”
“Why? Was he gay or something?”
Declan looks startled. “No.” He chuckles
a bit and then bursts out laughing as if this is the funniest thing he’s ever
heard. I’m sitting there watching him and even though I’m not sure what’s so
funny I start laughing too. We go on like this for a while until Declan wipes his
eyes. “I can’t believe you said that. No, Colin wasn’t gay. He was engaged to Leanna.
She was his girl and I was having an affair with her.”
“You had an affair with your best
friend’s fiancée? That’s awful. What about her, though? Why didn’t she break up
with Colin if she wanted you?”
Declan considers this. “I don’t
know. I thought about that for ages and in the end I think maybe she didn’t
really love me. Or maybe she loved us both and couldn’t decide.”
“What happened to her?”
“She married Colin.”
“Really? I’m surprised he wanted
her after that.”
“Sometimes I think he married her
only to be sure I couldn’t have her. He went completely crazy when he found out
about us. He tried to attack me and when that didn’t work he said he was going
to turn me in for all the things we did. Someone started making anonymous phone
calls to the authorities and that’s when my mom and Martin decided to send me
off to Boston to live with my sister Rachel and her husband. I guess they were
hoping a change of scenery would help me get my life together.”
“Who’s Martin?”
“My stepdad. My father died when I
was a boy.”
“I never knew that! It must have
been terrible for you.”
Declan nods slowly. “It was bad,
but it was a long time ago. It’s not something I talk about.” He meets my eyes.
“Ever.”
“Okay.” I’m silent, taking this
in. “What about Colin and Leanna? Are they still together?”
“As far as I know. The last I
heard they left Dublin. Colin inherited a house out near Cork and that’s where
they live.”
I’m watching Declan, and even
though he’s trying to act nonchalant, I can tell he’s not as laid back about it
as he appears.
“Do you wish she’d chosen you?” I
ask, wondering if maybe he still loves her even after all this time. Sort of
like how I still have feelings for Ben.
“No, I wouldn’t have been good for
anyone back then. I had a lot of things to sort out. I was a real mess.”
“But you still love her?”
Declan smiles at me, bringing his
arm up and tucking it under his head. I can’t help but notice that he has a
nice bicep. “Kate, what are you doing? Are you trying to psychoanalyze me?”
“I’m just curious. It seems like
you have some unfinished business the way you’re talking about all this.”
“No, I don’t love Leanna anymore. That
was nearly twenty years ago. I did love her at one time, and I admit I was hurt
that she chose Colin over me, but after a while I didn’t care so much about
that, but rather about the fact that I betrayed my best friend. It was an
incredibly fecked up thing to do and if I could go back and change it I would,
not to mention all the other things I did.”
“I can’t believe you used to be
like that. You seem so different now.”
“When I moved to Boston I realized
I’d made a mess of my life and needed to change, so I forced myself to grow
up.” He softens his voice. “I haven’t told many people about this Kate. It’s a
period from my past that I’m ashamed of.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“I haven’t scared you away from
me?”
I don’t answer him right away. Instead
I put my sketch pad down and get up from the chair and go over to where he’s
lying on the couch. For a moment I just stand there and then I sit down beside
him. There isn’t much room so our hips are pressed tightly against each other.
“You haven’t scared me away.”
He nods slowly, meeting my gaze,
and I notice that I feel strange, as if I’ve had a few drinks, though I haven’t
had any alcohol at all. It occurs to me that I’m not even sure what I’m doing sitting
here. Our eyes are still lingering on each other when he puts his hand up to my
face.
“You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs,
running his thumb over my chin and bottom lip. “I’ve always thought so.”
I don’t say anything—stunned by the
compliment, plus his hand is having a peculiarly strong sexual effect on me and
I feel like I can barely breathe.
“Come here.” He pulls me towards
him. And I know what he wants. Our mouths meet and I can feel his breath, taste
his lips, inhale his scent. I’ve never been this close to Declan before and all
I can think is that it’s sublime. That’s the word that comes to mind, rolling
around in my head. Sublime. Everything about him feels right to me, feels like
home, and I have this spiraling sensation that I’m falling down into a place
I’ve never been before, but have always wanted to go. At first he’s gentle, but
then he kisses me hungrily, both of us giving in to it.
Without warning the telephone
rings, shattering the erotic spell that’s been cast over us. I pull away from
Declan and at first he doesn’t let me go, but keeps his hand tangled in my
hair.
“Don’t answer it,” he says huskily.
“I should,” my voice comes out breathless,
“it’s so late.”
I stand up and stumble towards the
phone. I’ve always heard that expression about being drunk from a kiss, but I
can honestly say I’ve never experienced it until now. I still feel disoriented
when I pick up the receiver and mumble hello.
A guy starts talking. “Hi Kate, I
know it’s late, but I took a chance that you might be awake. I remember that
you were always something of a night owl. I hope that’s all right.”
I’m listening to the voice and
it’s so familiar, yet I can’t quite place who it is. It’s like trying to remember
the right combination to a lock.
“Kate, are you there? I hope you
weren’t sleeping.”
“Ben?” I say, the lock tumblers
falling into place.
“Yeah, sorry. You were asleep
huh?”
“No, I was...no, I wasn’t
sleeping.”
“I wanted to talk to you. It was
really good to see you again today.”
“Yes...,” I say, listening to Ben
tell me how he’s been thinking about me all day and how he decided to take a
chance and call even though it’s after midnight. I feel a comfort in his words.
It’s been so long, but emotionally it’s like I’m right back where I was all
those years ago. And even though I know Ben once hurt me, the pull of his
familiarity is strong. So many emotions long dormant are resurfacing.
From the corner of my eye I notice
Declan has gotten up off the couch. He stands, watching me, and then he goes
over to the door and grabs his gym bag. “Hang on a second,” I say to Ben and
then cover the telephone receiver, walking over to Declan.
“I’m taking off,” he says.
I nod, trying to read the
expression on his face, but it’s impossible. It’s like he’s wearing a mask.
“Okay,” I say, not really sure what else to do. Part of me wants him to stay,
but the other part of me isn’t sure what I want or if I’m ready for what Declan
is offering, because I know it would be a lot more than sex between us. “I’ll
see you at work tomorrow.”
He looks at me, and for a moment I
sense something slip beneath the façade, but then he nods and says he’ll see me
tomorrow.
When the front door has closed I
put the phone back up to my ear.
“Sorry about that,” I say.
“No, I’m sorry. I caught you at a
bad time obviously. It sounds like you have company.” He’s trying to sound
casual, but I know Ben so well that I can tell he’s bothered.
“Yeah, that was my friend Declan. I’m
starting the sketches for that painting of him.”
There’s a pause. “Declan, huh? For
some reason I thought your friend was a woman. Are you and this guy just
friends or is there more to it? Not that it’s any of my business, but I thought
you said that you weren’t involved with anyone.”
I feel a flash of annoyance at his
tone of voice, but then I realize he wants to know whether I’m dating someone
or not because he’s interested in me.
“We’re just friends,” I say. “We
work together.”
“Oh, so you’re not involved?”
“No.”
“You must think I’m crazy to be
calling you at midnight even though I just saw you this afternoon. Have I made
a total ass out of myself here?
I laugh a little. “No, I’m usually
up late, so people call me at all hours.”
“Yeah? You’re still the same then.
I used to wonder when you slept. We’d be up all night and then you’d head off
to work the next morning. Do you remember those days?”
“I do.”
We’re silent and I know we’re both
thinking the same thing—it wasn’t so much the days that were memorable, but all
those nights spent in each other’s arms.
“It helped that I had access to an
endless supply of espresso,” I joke.
“I was just up at Cafe Nin and I
thought of you. That place is exactly the same and hasn’t changed at all. It
felt like I’d stepped into a time warp.”
“I know. I still drop by
occasionally. Even the customers are the same. I’m still friends with one of
the bakers that works there.”
“We should go there together
sometime. It might be fun. Then we could visit the Zombie afterward.”
I smile. “You hated working at the
Zombie, don’t you remember? Next thing I know you’ll be trying to get me to go
hiking.” For a second I wonder if this was the smartest thing to say, but Ben
keeps talking and doesn’t seem bothered.
“Yeah, you’re right. I did hate
working there.” He laughs. “And I promise I won’t make you go hiking with me—not
YET anyway.”
I laugh with him, glad that we can
joke about it. “So how late were you for your meeting today?”
“You don’t want to know. Luckily
the people I was meeting with got lost finding our office, so it turned out all
right. They have a project they’re putting together down near the Bay area, so
it looks like I’ll be flying to California.” He tells me all about the project.
Clearly he enjoys his work.
He then asks me how my day went
and I describe to him some of the various things I’m working on. Ben acts really
interested, but I can tell it’s that overly enthusiastic interest guys show you
in the early stages of dating. Eventually that gives way to polite interest and
finally there’s no interest at all, just complete boredom which they don’t even
bother trying to hide because they’ve grown so complacent. Since Ben and I have
a history together I wonder how long each phase is going to last this time. I’m
guessing the early stages will go by more quickly and we’ll be at the yawning-that’s-nice-honey-where’s-the-TV-remote
stage before other couples have even left polite interest yet. And then as I’m
considering all this, something else occurs to me—I’m already thinking about us
as a couple again.