Authors: Samantha Towle
“
Alex, are you okay?”
I can’t see anything, not a flicker of deceit. Oh God he’s telling the truth. Carrie’s dead.
I blink and the tears wash down my face in a torrent. And my world comes crashing in all around me.
“
Bu … but I don’t understand. The last thing I remember is … ” I close my eyes and force my mind to work, to bring me back my last memories of Carrie. “We … we were walking home from The Grange,” I begin, “and … and I was on the phone with Eddie.” Salty tears are trickling into my mouth. “I was arguing with him on the phone and I got so angry with him … my phone, I threw it. It landed in the woods.” I squeeze tighter on my memory. “And we went to look for it, Carrie and me, and … ” I stop cold as the sickening realisation thuds into me. I open my eyes. “The woods. That’s where you said we were attacked. That’s where you found us.”
He nods. It’s almost imperceptible but I see it.
The pain I feel is so immense ... so intense that momentarily I can’t move.
Then suddenly it bursts out of me, so fiercely there should be a hole left in my chest where it exited. “Oh God!” I sob, clutching my hands to my head, “it’s my fault! Carrie’s dead because of me! If I hadn’t thrown my phone in there, we would never have gone in and she’d still be alive!”
Nathan shifts forward in his seat urgently. “You don’t know that.” He speaks quickly, trying to reassure me. “He’d probably been watching you both for a while, and if he wanted you it wouldn’t have mattered if you’d gone into the woods or not, he’d have got you at some point. Alex, this is not your fault.” He continues to stare at me, trying to stress his point, but his words have just bounced off me. Nothing he can say will change the fact that it is my fault.
Then, without warning, something starts to burn inside of me, something the likes of nothing I’ve ever felt before. It’s like white hot rage. It starts in the pit of my stomach and quickly spreads through me, heating my blood up so it’s practically bubbling up underneath my skin. I feel like my skin is lifting up off my bones from the sheer force of it.
“
NO!” I cry out, leaping to my feet. Nathan looks up at me surprised. “Carrie can’t be dead! She can’t be! And all of this,” I throw an arm around the room, my movement jerky, frantic, “what you’re saying happened to me, what I am, it can’t be real, it can’t be! I can’t deal with it!”
Panic is raging a storm through me, searing into my veins, taking control. I back up across the room away from Nathan until my back meets with the wall. “Carrie can’t be dead,” I whimper, burying my face in my hands. “She can’t be.” I let my body slide down the wall until I’m sitting on the floor.
Why did this have to happen? If only I hadn’t taken Eddie’s call. If only I hadn’t thrown my phone in the woods.
A thought suddenly flickers through my mind and it halts all others.
I move my hands away from my face. “Why are you only telling me about Carrie now?” I sound oddly composed.
I see a look of discomfort flicker over Nathan’s face. “What do you mean?”
“
I mean why didn’t you tell me the moment I woke up that my best friend was dead?!” I bang my fists against the floor. I’m so angry. I’ve never felt anger like this before. I’ve gone from cold to hot in less than five seconds and I have no idea what to do with it.
I watch Nathan’s chest expand under his T-shirt as he inhales for a breath. “I needed to find out what you were,” he exhales, “before the infection, I mean, before you changed. I thought you were human, but like I said, women don’t survive the change and I needed to make sure you weren’t something else, something I didn’t know about, something that was potentially a danger to me and my family.”
“
Of course I’m human!” I cry. “I don’t know anything about those bloody vampire things you’ve been going on about!”
“
Vârcolac,” he corrects, and has the audacity to sound irritated. “And I know that now but I didn’t at the time. For all I knew you could have been lying just to get yourself out of here and I couldn’t risk it. If the Vârcolacs find out what I did … ” he rubs his face roughly with his hand, “ … if they find out it was me that killed him, I’m basically fucked.”
But right now I don’t care about his problems, even if they do involve me. “I couldn’t give a toss how it affects you! Carrie is dead and you kept it from me!” I’m breathing so hard I have to clutch my hand to my chest to keep myself steady. It’s like my grief and pain have been coated by the anger, and that’s all I can feel now - complete and utter anger.
Nathan’s brow creases into a tight line. He looks angry, which only manages to incense me further. What right does he have to be angry?
“
I was going to tell you,” he says through gritted teeth.
“
When exactly?! When I passed all your bloody tests! You should have told me the second you opened your mouth, instead of keeping me here talking about this shit. And Carrie’s been dead all this time and I … I didn’t know and … ” The grief floods back and sobs well in my throat. I struggle to choke them back.
“
I know you’re in pain … ”
“
I’m torn apart!” I scream.
Nathan gets up from his seat and takes a step toward me.
“
Don’t come near me.” I put my trembling hand out, stopping him.
“
I wasn’t trying to be callous.” He begins speaking quickly. “When I realised you weren’t lying about not knowing anything, I thought I should explain everything that had happened to you before I told you about her, about Carrie, and honestly, I really didn’t know how to tell you. It’s not something I do every day, you know, tell people that … ” He stops and looks at me helplessly. “I’m sorry.”
I bite my quivering lip. “You’re sorry you kept it from me or that Carrie’s dead?”
“
Both.”
Even though deep down I know none of this is his fault, I want it to be. I want to blame him. I need to be angry with him. I need him to feel this excruciating pain I’m feeling because I can’t be alone in this.
I rub my eyes roughly and look up at him through my tangled lashes. “I want to see Carrie.” My voice carries barely a whisper across the room.
There’s a beat of silence. His eyes flicker in my direction but he doesn’t actually look at me. “We’ll talk about it later,” he says, walking toward the door.
My insides take a step dive. I’m up and on my feet. Moving quickly, I grab hold of his arm, stopping him. “Where is Carrie?” I can’t stop the tremor in my voice.
Nathan glances down at my hand on his arm, then back up at my face. There’s a threat in his eyes but I don’t move it. I keep my grip firm.
“
You really don’t want to hear this,” he says, not a shred of emotion in his voice.
He’s right, I don’t want to hear it, but I have to.
“
Tell me.” My chin trembles and even I don’t believe the tone of my voice.
He presses his lips together. He looks as if he’s considering his words, or maybe mine. My heart is pumping so hard against my chest it’s all I can hear.
After what seems like an infinite amount of time, he looks me in the eye and says, “My dad and brother went back for the bodies - Carrie’s and the Vârcolac’s. I stayed here with you. They brought them back here and … well, they burned the bodies.”
“
Arggh!” I bang my fists hard against his chest, utter wretchedness taking me over. He barely moves. I grip hold of his T-shirt, my fingers digging into his chest which is so hard it barely gives. “Why?”
He sighs. “We had to get rid of any evidence linking me to killing the Vârcolac. Soon enough the others will notice he’s missing and will come looking. If we’d left them both there to be found, the Vârcolacs would have smelt my scent on them, and that would have led them straight here to me, to you.” His large hands encircle my wrists, his touch gentle. “I really am sorry.”
I close my eyes, but all I can see behind my lids is Carrie. Carrie burning ...
I open my eyes and yank my arms free from his hold, staggering backwards. “I … I have to go … go,” I stammer. “I have to see Carrie’s mum and dad.”
“
And tell them what?” he retorts, his voice suddenly harsher, “that you were attacked by a Vârcolac, that I managed to save you, but Carrie was already dead when I got there? You’ve been gone for almost three days, Alex, three days. The police are at the stage now where they’re looking for your bodies. They don’t expect you to be alive, and if you turn up fit and well - without Carrie - with the truth as your only explanation, you know they wouldn’t believe you. You know what they’d think.”
I look at him through a haze of confusion and tears. “What?”
“
They’d think you killed her and that I helped you, or the other way around.”
“
I could never have hurt Carrie,” I whimper, dismayed.
“
But the police don’t know that. They don’t know you. They’d just look at the surrounding evidence and facts, and that would make us their prime suspects.”
His words ring painfully true in my ears.
“
And by going home you’d only be exposing yourself to the Vârcolacs,” he continues, his voice hardening with each word spoken. “If they find out about your survival … ” He pauses, shaking his head as if to highlight the point. “If you let people know you’re alive, you’re giving the Vârcolacs an open pass to you. And who’s gonna protect you from them - the police?” He gives a curt laugh, minus the humour.
And that laugh runs abrasively against my skin. I feel my hackles rise. “And you will?” I glare at him. “I get the distinct impression you couldn’t give a flying fuck about me, so why are you so keen on protecting me?”
He glares right back, his green eyes slicing into me. “I’m not. I’m keen on protecting my family.”
I break eye contact. Looking at the floor, I wrap my arms around myself. “Why is your family in danger?”
He shifts his weight and a sound of exasperation escapes him. “Because of you, Alex. Because I saved you. If the Vârcolacs find out about you, well then God help us all.” He exhales. “But they’re gonna wanna know how you survived the attack, who it was that saved you, and that’s when the finger points at me, and that’s when my family’s in danger. There’s a line I crossed when I killed him and without a doubt they’d come after me and my family.”
I rub my runny nose with my hand. “I wouldn’t tell them it was you that saved me,” I utter meekly. “If they found me, I wouldn’t tell them.”
He lets out a sharp laugh. “Trust me when I say this, you really don’t want them to find you. And yes you would because you wouldn’t have a choice. They are evil motherfuckers and can be very, let’s say ... persuasive when they want to be, and I don’t want my family put in harm’s way because of a rash decision I made when I saved your life. So for now, you need to stay here and out of view, until I can figure out what to do with you. I know this is the last thing you want, and honestly I don’t want you here either, but we don’t have a choice. I know it’s hard to hear, but to your old life … you’re dead. You can’t go back, ever.”
Everything closes in on me. It’s like I’m free-falling into a cavern of darkness and I’m never going to hit the bottom. It’s never going to stop. And I know unequivocally, from this moment on, I’m never going to know peace again.
My legs give out on me and I slump down to the floor. I pull my knees up to my chest. My eyes are blurring up with a fresh batch of tears.
“
I … I just can’t believe Carrie’s g … gone,” I choke out, “and all of this that’s happened ... it’s too much ... I can’t c-cope.”
“
You’re gonna have to find a way to,” he says stonily, sitting down beside me, “because you don’t have any other choice.”
The grief returns to hit me with the force of a tsunami hitting land. I drop my head onto my knees, bury my face, and cry.
I have no idea how long we sit here for, side by side. Nathan doesn’t move. He doesn’t touch me. He just sits here silently with me while I attempt to cry this ache from out of me.
Eventually, when the tears begin to dry up, I lift my head.
“
You okay?” He glances sideways at me.
I push my hair off my damp face and shake my head. The tears may have momentarily subsided but the pain will never go away.
Nathan gets to his feet and swiftly exits the room, returning a moment later with a handful of tissues. He crouches down in front of me and hands them over. “Probably should have got you these a while ago.”
He smiles a weak smile. I can’t muster anything up to return it.
“
Thanks.” I take the tissues, wipe my face and blow my nose. I scrunch them up in my hand knowing I’ll need them again soon.
“
Do you feel hungry?” Nathan asks.
I shake my head. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat again.
He looks at me for a moment longer than necessary. It makes me uncomfortable. I look away.
“
Why don’t you try and get some rest,” he suggests. “We can talk more later.”
I nod my assent.
Standing, he holds his hands out for me. I take them and let him pull me to my feet. Exhaustion suddenly burns through me. The room spins, black dots dance before my eyes and my knees buckle.
“
Hey, take it easy.” Nathan scoops me up into his arms and carries me over to the bed. I rest my head against his shoulder. He smells earthy and something about it momentarily fills the hollow places inside of me. He lays me down and pulls the cover over me. The moment he lets me go, the hollow coldness creeps back into me.