First Lady (16 page)

N
EALY TOOK A
deep breath as she broke the kiss.

Mat let her go, then gave her a slow smile. “You kiss like a little girl.”

His smile took the sting out of his words, but they still hurt. Without knowing it, he’d touched on her most painful insecurity. Still, she managed to respond with the perfect composure of a woman who’d been born to rule. “How many little girls have you kissed?”

“More than you can imagine.”

“Really? How bizarre.”

“Not too bizarre. I have seven younger sisters.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Believe me, it’s not something I kid about.” He walked over to the mini bar. “Would you like a drink?”

She knew she should leave while she had the chance, but she didn’t want to. Instead, she wanted to be reckless and irresponsible, more like easygoing Nell Kelly than uptight Cornelia Case. “I don’t suppose there’s a nice merlot in there.”

He bent down to look. “There’s a merlot, but it’s got a screw top, so I don’t know how nice it is.” He withdrew the bottle, then crossed his arms and lifted an eyebrow at her stomach. “No drinking while you’re pregnant.”

She smiled and self-consciously slipped her hands under her nightgown from the back to release the straps. The pillow fell.

He eyed her baggy nightgown as he unscrewed the lid. “Not much of an improvement.”

She picked up the pillow and held it in her lap as she sat in the chair. “I had to leave all my sexy peignoirs behind.”

“Too bad. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.” He poured the wine into a glass, handed it to her, then pulled a Coke out for himself. “How’s come you’re so skittish?”

“I’m not skittish,” she said defensively. “Just because I didn’t slobber all over you doesn’t mean I’m skittish.”

He threw a pillow against the headboard and stretched out on the bed with the Coke can propped on his chest. As he leaned back and crossed his bare ankles, he looked a lot more comfortable than she felt.

“So you’re not attracted to me.” There was a glint in his eye, a subtle male audacity that spoke of a wealth of sexual confidence.

She felt like a kid seeing how close she could get to the traffic before someone swatted her back. “I didn’t say that.”

“You
are
attracted to me.”

“I didn’t say that, either. And why should you care? After all, I kiss like a little girl.” She wanted to bite her tongue. Why hadn’t she just let it go?

“I didn’t mean it as an insult.”

“It’s certainly not a compliment.”

“I apologize.”

“It’s just not a nice thing to say.”

“I’ll never say it again.”

The note of amusement in his voice made her snappish. “I supposed if I’d tried to remove your tonsils with my tongue, you’d have been happy.”

“I’ve already apologized.”

“I can’t abide kisses like that. They’re suffocating.”

“Each to his own, I guess.”

“
Her
own, and taking the plaque off someone’s teeth is my idea of dental work, not a romantic kiss. People should keep their tongues in their own mouths.”

“I guess this means I shouldn’t ask you about oral sex.”

“
What?
”

He threw back his head and let out a bellow of a laugh.

She flushed, but as she took a long sip of wine, she was surprised she wasn’t more embarrassed.

“Come on, Nell. The night’s long and we’re all alone. Tell Father Mathias where this hang-up of yours comes from.”

“Mathias? I thought your name was Matthew.”

“Mathias is the Slovak version. It’s Mat with one
t
. My sisters’ doing. Unfortunately, it stuck. And don’t change the subject on me. I take it your ex-husband isn’t much of a kisser.”

She sipped her wine, then found herself saying, “Not with me anyway.”

“With someone else?”

She hesitated, then nodded slowly. He had no idea who she was, and she was so tired of pretending she and Dennis had been blissfully happy. At least Nell Kelly could tell some small part of the truth.

“A lot of someones?”

“No, only one. He was faithful. He just wasn’t faithful to me.” She toyed with the pillow in her lap. “He wasn’t anything with me.”

There was a long pause. “Are you trying to tell me you didn’t have sex with your husband?”

She realized what she’d almost revealed. “Yes, of course I did. It just wasn’t great sex.”

That was a lie. There had been a few weeks of fumbling attempts that had left her with this humiliating uncertainty about whether or not she was still a virgin. She felt like a fool. All through high school and college, her healthy body had ached for a man’s touch, but she’d been raised to be daddy’s good girl, so she’d said no the few times a boy had gotten up the courage to ignore the Secret Service.

“The guy must have a problem.”

A big one. He was buried six feet under at Arlington National Cemetery. She choked back a laugh that felt like a sob. “Are you sure I wasn’t the one with the problem?”

He paused for a moment, and she realized he was really thinking it over. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

She found herself smiling. “Thank you.”

“Feeling a little insecure, are you?”

“A little.”

“So he had great sex with his girlfriend, but not with you.”

“I don’t know what kind of sex he had with his . . . his . . . girlfriend.”

He straightened, and his eyebrows shot together. “Crap.”

“What?”

“It wasn’t a girlfriend,” he said slowly. “It was a guy.”

Wine sloshed over the rim of her glass, and she sent the pillow tumbling as she jumped up from her chair. “That’s ridiculous! Why would you say something like that? How could you even think it?”

“I don’t know. It just popped into my head. And the corner of your mouth is tight again. Your ex-husband’s gay. That’s why you divorced him.”

“No! That’s absurd. It’s ridiculous.” She rubbed at the wine spill with her other hand. “If you’d ever met him . . . He was—he is a very masculine man. Very good-looking. Athletic. The kind of man other men are comfortable around. You’re completely wrong!”

He didn’t say a word. He simply gazed at her, and his gray eyes were filled with pity.

She tried to curb her panic. Why had she been so reckless? It was a secret she’d kept for so long—the secret that would have brought down an administration and made the Clinton sex scandals look tame. The married President of the United States was a homosexual.

The only person who had known besides herself was Terry Ackerman, Dennis’s oldest friend, deputy chief of staff, and lifelong lover. She stepped over the pillow she’d dropped and walked to the window carrying her wine. Through the sheers, she could see the lights of the swimming pool, and just beyond, a truck whizzing by on the highway.

Until Dennis and Terry had met during their junior year at Harvard, both had been in deep denial about their sexuality, but once they’d set eyes on each other, that was no longer possible. They had everything in common. They were from prominent families. Both were ambitious and popular with their peers, two young lions on the fast track to glory. They dated new girls every week and told themselves lies about the sexual fantasies they were having. But their attraction had been so strong that they were powerless against it.

She remembered the November night six weeks after she and Dennis were married when she’d finally forced her husband to confess the truth. They’d been campaigning in New York City and staying at the Waldorf-Astoria. She’d been miserable. Her marriage hadn’t quite been consummated, and she’d finally realized it wasn’t her fault.

Tears had clouded Dennis’s eyes as he’d sat on the end of the bed and stared down at his hands, his voice so choked with guilt it had been hard to understand him.

“The moment Terry and I first looked at each other, we knew we’d found our only soul mate. Neither of us has ever looked at anyone else since.” He’d gazed up at her, his golden brown eyes stricken. “Except for Terry, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I do love you, Nealy.”

“Like a sister,” she said dully. “You love me like a sister.”

“I’m sorry.” His tears had glistened. “I’m so sorry. ”

His betrayal ran so deep, she wanted to die, and at that moment, she’d hated him.

“I had to have a wife if I wanted to be President,” he said. “I’d always been so fond of you, and when your father started pushing us together, I—I—”

“You decided to use me,” she’d murmured. “You knew I’d fallen in love with you, and you used me.”

“I know,” he whispered.

“How could you do it?”

“I want to be President,” he said simply. “And there’d been some whispers.”

She hadn’t heard them. She’d never suspected a thing, not even before their marriage when he’d used the microscopic scrutiny they were receiving from the media as an excuse to postpone making love until they were married.

The morning after his confession she’d fled to Nantucket, where she’d sealed herself in the guest house of her father’s estate and tried to come to terms with what had happened. She’d made up her mind to get a quick divorce. Dennis deserved nothing better.

But every time she picked up the phone to call her attorney, she set it back down. Dennis had betrayed her, but he wasn’t evil. In every other way, he was the most decent man she knew. If she divorced him as he was launching his presidential campaign, she would ruin him. Was that what she wanted?

Part of her craved the revenge she deserved. But she’d never had an appetite for bloodlust, and her stomach rebelled each time she looked at the telephone.

It was Terry who’d finally talked her into continuing with the marriage. Terry, the funny, irreverent man she’d known as Dennis’s oldest friend, had barged into the guest house, poured her a drink, and looked her straight in the eye.

“Don’t divorce him, Nealy. Stick it out. You know there’s not another man running who’ll make as good a President.” His expression had been filled with urgency as he took her hands and squeezed them. “Please, Nealy. He never meant to hurt you. I think he convinced himself he could pull it off and you’d never know.”

“The lies people tell themselves.” She’d walked out on Terry and wandered the beach for hours, but he was still waiting when she returned.

“I’ll give him one term, and then I’m filing for divorce.” Even as she spoke the words, she knew that something was dying inside her, all her romantic dreams.

Terry, who did deadly imitations of their political opponents and loved to laugh, had started to cry. She realized he’d made a devil’s bargain of his own.

Afterward, Dennis did everything he could to show his gratitude. In all ways but the most essential, he was a wonderful husband. Although she could never entirely forgive him for his deceit, she didn’t want to become a victim of her own bitterness, and she forced herself to accept his friendship.

Her relationship with Terry was more complex. She held the place that was rightfully his, and some part of him resented her for it. At the same time, he was an honorable man, and he tried to compensate by becoming her tireless defender. It had been he, rather than her hardworking husband, who protected her from her father’s meddling. The night Dennis had died, she and Terry held each other, but even in the midst of her grief, she’d known his own ran deeper.

“How long did you stay married to him?”

“What?” She jumped as Mat’s voice penetrated her thoughts.

“Your gay husband. How long were you married?”

“A—a few years. And he wasn’t gay.”

“Come on, Nell. Why are you still trying to protect him?”

Because now she had his legacy to guard, and in some ways that was an even bigger responsibility than being his First Lady.

Mat set his Coke on the nightstand. “There’s a big hole in your story, you know. It’s a little hard to imagine why he’s trying so hard to find you.”

“It’s his family that wants to find me,” she managed. “They’re very conservative, and they’re determined to protect their image.”

He rose in a movement that was curiously graceful for such a large man. “Nell, I hope you’ve taken care of yourself. There are a lot bigger problems for women with gay husbands than a broken heart.”

She didn’t have to ask what he meant, and she wasn’t going to explain that there was no need to worry. “My husband was never promiscuous; he just loved someone else . . . another
woman
,” she repeated out of habit. “I’m not a fool, and I’m not a health risk to anyone. I was a blood donor less than a month ago. Can you say the same?”

“I’m not a fool, either,” he said quietly.

There was only one reason to have a discussion like this, and she felt too raw at the moment to face it. She set down her wineglass and stood. “I’m tired.”

“The night’s young.” He gazed over at her and smiled. “I’ll bet I was wrong about that kissing thing because you sure don’t look like a little girl, especially in that nightgown. Maybe we should try it again and see.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t.” Oh, but she wanted to, which was why she made herself head for the door. “Thanks for the wine.”