First to Dance (20 page)

As Ayita stepped outside she saw that people were moving into the house Dakarai stayed in as well. She wondered how he would fare with that because now he would have nowhere to escape to. She checked, but he wasn’t home. Then Ayita continued walking and carried all of her things to the library, where she decided she would stay. Other people occasionally poked their heads in at the door, and a few people actually came in to look at the books, but for the most part it was quiet and Ayita was alone.

Ayita made a second trip to the house so she could bring the books back from the basement, and then she set out to find
Panya, Dakarai and Ziyad. She thought she understood before why Panya said the people were more forgetful in the winter, but now she could see it even more. With so many people around, it would be easy to lose daily contact with each other. Ayita wanted to make sure that didn’t happen.

Winter moved in quickly. Soon it was freezing outside and occasionally snowing. As time went on, it became more and more difficult to spend time with any of the people Ayita cared about, especially Dakarai. He was always looking for a place to be alone, and Ayita rarely found him in the same place twice. It was an impossible task to find him, and too cold outside to spend the day searching. He started to forget her name again, and then, after several weeks Ayita realized he was spending time with Kesi on a regular basis. She didn’t know how it started, but it did. Kesi followed him everywhere.

They came in together for meals, and Ayita could see the way
Kesi looked at him, though he didn’t always return that look of infatuation. But sometimes, he did. Kesi would laugh and touch his arm. She smiled at everything he said. Ayita thought about following him everywhere, too, but it didn’t seem right to her. It also felt increasingly awkward to join him when Kesi was at his side. She kept hoping that one day Kesi wouldn’t come and he would choose to stay in the school building. She invited him several times to stay with her, but the building was constantly noisy with people going in and out and it was more than Dakarai cared to deal with. The more she tried to pursue him with Kesi there between them, the more she realized it would never work this way. He needed to pursue her also, or their friendship wouldn’t last.

Ayita spent a lot of time in the library, and she never tired of reading the books there, but eventually she decided to take a break from it. She brought a blank journal to the library and sat down to fill it with Etana’s story. She noticed that an entire wall of books was full of journals belonging to people who lived here previously. It was fascinating to read other peoples’ stories, told in bits and pieces by people with only a fragmented memory of their past. Ayita did not know if anyone else would ever read it, but Etana’s story belonged on that wall too. She wrote down everything she knew about Etana, and then started writing out Etana’s letters to Aaron.

Ayita closed the book at the sound of the door opening, and she
was surprised to see Dakarai standing there.  “Hey,” she said.  He nodded.  She was glad to see him.

“What are you reading?” he asked.

“I’m writing,” she said.  “I want to fill this book with the memories I have of Etana.”

“Who’
s she?” he asked.  “A friend?”

Ayita nodded. 
“Yeah.  You could say that.  She’s the one who let me know that there was more to life than I knew about; that if I looked hard enough, I could find something better.”

“Better than what?”

Ayita weakly smiled.  She wondered how many times they would have this conversation before he might not have to ask anymore.  She wondered if it would ever happen. She retold her story on Zozeis, but as she did so, she found herself thinking:
If I looked hard enough, I could find something better.
  Over the summer she came to believe this
was
her something better.  Now she wasn’t sure.

She wanted to ask him where
Kesi was, but she didn’t want to remind him that Kesi existed. He asked if she wanted to go for a walk with him, and she eagerly accepted.

For a while they walked only in silence.  Ayita enjoyed it, but at the same time it made her nervous.  She was content
to be walking with him, but she wondered if he was thinking the same, or if there was a reason for his silence.

“What’s on your mind?” she asked.

He shrugged with his mouth.  “Nothing,” he said.

“You’re
quieter than usual today.”

“Oh,” he said.  “There’s just nothing I want to talk about right now.”

“So nothing’s wrong?”

He shook his head.  Ayita didn’t fully believe him, but she didn’t want to push it.  She gave herself a headache wondering as they continued to walk and he didn’t say anything.

They were walking for some time, when finally, he turned and asked her, “How do I know you?”

“I was drowning,
” she said, “and you pulled me from the water. I came to be your friend after that.”

“I haven’t known you my whole life?”

“No.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I remember, Dakarai. I always remember. I haven’t always lived here.”

“I feel like I’v
e known you my whole life, but I also feel that maybe I’ve only known you a short time.”

“Less than a year,” she said.

“Seems like more….”

“Even if it were more…would you really know me any better because of it?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

Ayita sighed.  “You’re forgetting things about me,” she said.

“Did I used to remember?”

“Some things, yes.”

“Like what?”

“My name, for one.”

“What makes you think I forgot?”

“Do you remember?”

His shoulders fell.  “No….”

“It’s Ayita.”

“That bothers you,” he said.

“A little, yes.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” she said.  “It’s not your fault.” 
Is it mine?
she wondered.  She knew she could make more of an effort to spend time with him. She could follow him around everywhere the way Kesi was doing and make sure he didn’t have time to forget who she was. She didn’t have to stay in the library so much, reading and writing about people who no longer existed. But something about following him around all day every day just didn’t feel right, and she really wanted to read the books they had here.

They continued walking in silence for a short time, when
Dakarai said, “I don’t forget everything about you.  I remember that I like you.”

Ayita allowed herself to smile at this.  “
I like you too, Dakarai.”

“You don’t s
eem as happy as you usually are,” he said.

“Oh.” 
His comment took her a bit by surprise. Ayita took in a long breath and slowly exhaled.  “Are
you
happy?” she asked.

“I think so,” he said. 
“Been happier, though.”

“When?”

“I don’t remember when, to be honest, but I can remember the feeling of it.”

Ayita nodded.  “I was happier in the summer,” she said.

“Me too, I think.  What changed?”

Ayita thought about the house and all the memories that it didn’t own but which it carried, and of the books. 
Are the books making me less happy?
she asked herself.  She didn’t want to believe so.  She knew the joy their information brought her, but she wondered if all her time reading them couldn’t be better spent, and she knew that since finding them she became more reclusive and distant toward all those around her.  She had a thirst for knowledge. Reading brought her many wonderful ideas and dreams, but she also realized she was spending too much time away from her friends, to the point that Dakarai no longer remembered her name.

They walked up and down the streets together, and then
Dakarai led her to the park and sat down on a bench. Ayita sat down beside him and he put his arm around her. She pondered the planet and wondered how much of it had ever been explored. How much had gone untouched by man in decades, centuries, or ever? Then she wondered the same about Zozeis. Perhaps Zozeis had lakes after all, only none the people knew about.  This city, this replica of her hometown on Zozeis, didn’t have any lakes either.

“I wish there was a lake here,” Ayita said.

Dakarai
smiled.  “That’d be nice.  Kind of cold out for swimming, though.” 

They
sat on the bench together for a long time, talking quietly as the sun furthered itself behind the trees.  This evening was warmer than usual, and Dakarai’s arm around her shoulders was a pleasant comfort. They continued talking to each other until the sun was gone from the sky. Neither of them suggested going in for the night.  After a pause entered their conversation, Dakarai opened up his coat, and he pulled from it the hollow wooden instrument he so loved.  He’d taken to carrying it with him wherever he went so he wouldn’t lose it. He brought it to his lips and played a long, slow song.  For a while Ayita just sat and listened.  Then, she wanted to dance, so she did. She danced in the park, in her heavy coat and pants. They were bulky and she wasn’t very graceful in them, but she didn’t care. A light snow started to fall and the snowflakes kissed her cheeks. She smiled and closed her eyes, standing still to feel the snow and listen to the music. When she opened her eyes, she saw Zozeis, the park, and an endless sky, but when she closed her eyes she could feel her heart.

The next morning she saw Dakarai again at breakfast and was feeling far more secure in herself and in their friendship.  She did not ask if he remembered her name, nor did she wonder about it, because that morning to her it didn’t matter.  She was happy enough knowing that he knew her, and she him.  She subtly reminded him that the library was a quiet place to stay without a lot of traffic, but when he left he gave no indication that he would move into this main building instead of travel from house to house each day.  Ayita thought about walking with him to spend the day together, but it was very cold outside, and he didn’t invite her.

Shortly after he left,
Panya came in to eat. She had her journal in her hand, and Ayita asked if she was going to sit in on the reading videos today.

“I
watch those videos sometimes, but I carry around my journal because I like to re-read it every winter,” she said. “I know I’m more prone to forget other people this time of year.  It helps me remember who people are, even if I haven’t seen them for weeks at a time.”

Ayita found herself thinking of
Panya’s child, and she wondered if Panya had seen her or tried to spend time with her yet this winter, but she decided not to ask. They got to talking, and Ayita casually brought up her concerns about her relationship with Dakarai and his new friendship with Kesi.

“
Dakarai and Kesi kind of go way back,” Panya said. “They were together for a while.”

Ayita looked startled. “They were?”

Panya nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t think either of them remember it. When they run across each other, they remember being attracted to each other, but that’s about it.”

Ayita sighed. “So, what kind of relationship did they have?”

“A very short one. They’re always forgetting about each other. And Dakarai likes her more as a distraction than as anything serious. I don’t think he ever even kissed her, but I couldn’t say for sure.”

“A distraction from what?”

Panya shrugged. “It’s winter now. Perhaps she’s just distracting him from boredom. The first time, she was distracting him from heartbreak.” Panya glanced down at her journal and smiled. “It’s really interesting to be able to read this and remember things that happened so long ago. It’s almost like living them all over again. Of course, reliving the happy memories is much better than reliving the sad ones.”

Ayita didn’t like what she was hearing.
Kesi might be distracting Dakarai from boredom, but she was also distracting him from her. But, thankfully, Ayita hadn’t seen Dakarai with Kesi at all in the last two days. Perhaps they’d forgotten each other again.

Ziyad came in later that day, and Ayita got an idea when she saw him. He’d done a great job of guiding the children toward Etana’s videos when he saw them, and the kids they worked with over the summer were excelling in many ways. Now the winter was half over, and one of the rooms generally used for food storage was completely empty.

“What if we used that room for
public reading?” she asked. “Would you help me organize it?”

He smiled. “Sure! What are your ideas?”

“Well,” she said, “the kids who are learning to read could start reading stories to anyone who wants to listen. There are plenty of books for every reading level. It would be good practice for the kids and possible entertainment for everyone else. Even the younger kids who aren’t reading yet might enjoy it.”

“Tha
t sounds like a great idea.”

They started working together to make it happen. Ayita looked through the books in the library and picked out a few from each reading level, including some she thought the kids would particularly enjoy. She took all these books to the empty room and lined them up along the wall.
Meanwhile, Ziyad walked around the town inviting everyone to come and listen to stories that evening.  Everyone was welcome to listen, and anyone who could was welcome to read.