First to Dance (27 page)

“You know these people won’t last more than a few generations without some help
,” he said.  “On Zozeis they are organized enough to produce what they need, but here, well, I find it amazing that they can keep their gardens growing. It would be a shame if no one ever took the time to go to Earth and bring back clothes for them to wear. They let their cotton plants die, so how will they make clothing when the ones they have are all worn out? What will happen a hundred years from now when it is winter and they are all running around naked?” He stroked her arm and smiled at her. She turned away to avoid seeing his smile. He was playing on her pity to get what he wanted, and she knew it.

“Why do you want me?” she asked. “Why don’t you find someone who wants
you
?”

“That wouldn’t be half as fun,” he said.
Then he laughed. “Really Etana, you should be glad that I want you. If I didn’t, I would have no reason at all to let you interfere with my research.”

“What makes you think I want to interfere anymore? I’m happy here. I have no intention to leave.”

“You might think you’re happy, but you haven’t forgotten about the people on Zozeis. Those books you left might make an impression on their few readers, but you know it isn’t enough. And you can distract yourself with helping the people here, but when you stop to really think about your efforts, you know that your work won’t live any longer than you do. As soon as you’re gone, everything you’ve done to help them will end. They’ll slowly die out because they can’t keep their minds focused on one task long enough to see it through.” He let out a short laugh. “You might think you’re fooling yourself, Etana, but you’re not fooling me. Of course you still want to interfere.”

He held her chin and turned her face toward him. His grip was gentle but firm, and once he locked eyes with her, he smiled and his eyes smiled and
Etana could feel herself falling for the charm on his face. It was almost hypnotic, and the only way to break the spell was to look away and think logically about his words and actions. 
Think, Etana. Think. He can play with your emotions but he can’t control your thoughts.
She closed her eyes to block out his smile, and he kissed her. Her hand came up to push him away, but he wrapped his arms around her in a close embrace and he gently held her head toward his. His touch was deceiving like his smile, and her body melted into it. It was so hard to keep her thoughts steady around this man. There was something alluring about him, even as he violated every moral boundary that existed before him. This was the kind of man that could get away with things other men could not. He brought out the lust that was in her, and for that she hated him.

Etana’s
heart raced as he held her. She wasn’t strong enough to push him away, and part of her didn’t want to. Her conscience was confused as well as her body. It would be wrong to let him touch her in ways that only a husband should, but she felt that it would be equally wrong to sit back and do nothing while he allowed so many lives to be destroyed. She’d seen the damage done now on two planets: one where personal freedoms were quickly disappearing and one where a lack of follow-through would eventually lead the people to extinction. What was happening on the others? These personality types needed each other to balance them out. Someone had to help, and it seemed that she was the only one willing and in a position to do so.

He scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom, but when he set her down on the bed, she told him, “No.” She half-expected him to push forward against her wishes, but he didn’t. She was sitting on the bed facing him, and he kneeled in front of her and put his arms around her waist. Then he set his head in her lap and stayed there for several minutes.
Etana started to wonder if he had fallen asleep, when finally he spoke.

“You’re wondering why I didn’t go ahead and have my way with you. I certainly could have, and you couldn’t stop me.” He got up and sat
beside her on the bed, with one arm still around her and the other at his side. He whispered in her ear. “Nor would it be against my moral compass to do that to you.”

Like you have a moral compass,
she thought.

“But if I’m to have you in the way that I want to have you, you have to say yes to
being with me.”

And in what way do you want to have me?

“I will be right here if you change your mind.” He lay down on the bed and faced away from her. “In the morning I will leave, and I’m not sure exactly when I’ll come back,” he said.

Etana
breathed deeply and didn’t move from her seated position on the bed. She felt that saying yes would be selling her soul to the devil. At the same time, she wondered how much good she could do that would never be done if she lived out her days on this planet instead of bringing what help she could from Earth. If she spent most of her time traveling through space, she might be able to help dozens of generations survive instead of only two or three.  In the meantime, she could hopefully come up with a more permanent solution.

Timothy was silent and his breathing was steady, but when she put her hand on his shoulder she found he was not asleep. He turned over to face her and on his face was that
dazzling smile that looked so genuine but she knew was not. It was the look of a lover, but Etana knew that the only person he’d ever loved was himself. She closed her eyes again to block it out, and he picked up her hand and kissed it.

“I knew you would make the right choice,” he said.

And all the time, she wondered whether she really did.

1
5

Etana
spent all of her time traveling back and forth between planets. It was a lonely life, but her purpose kept her going. She would take photographs to Earth and return with clothes, books, and other items. She took the clothes to Adonia and left them in the school building, and she placed books all over on Zozeis where she knew the children would find them. She learned the needs of people on the other planets and tried to help them, as well, but she always had a special fondness for the people on Adonia and a sense of personal duty to the people on Zozeis. She allowed herself to be used by Dr. Azias, and he was regularly waiting for her whenever she landed on one of his planets. She never saw him on Earth, and as far as she knew, he hadn’t returned there in a very long time.

Over time she watched the planets get worse. On
Zozeis they were building more and more houses for the growing population, but they also built a second school building away from the rest of the town, where it couldn’t be seen, and they used it as a sort of prison for anyone who found her books and didn’t promptly destroy them. She started to lose heart, wondering if she was doing more damage than good by leaving them bits of truth to study, but she told herself that someday, somehow, the truth would prevail. The kids were raised as if they were robots, but it seemed that any time a child found one of her books, that child started to act human again.

On
Adonia the people gradually left the city and moved out into the wilderness, where they discovered and started living under flat trees all summer. They planted gardens along the rivers so they wouldn’t have to water them, and they returned to the houses only in the winter. Because they didn’t maintain the buildings or the electrical lines, the electricity eventually stopped working, and the houses were slowly falling apart. Etana studied so she could provide maintenance to the solar panels on the school building, and she took time to do this whenever she landed on Adonia. The town was too small for all the people, and they never did build any other houses, but they managed to cope rather well with how crowded it was in the winter. Over time their lack of follow-through became a lack of memory, and they were a group of people that lived care-free lives, only bothering to do what was necessary for survival. Etana wondered whether things could turn around if they learned to read and write. Then they could write down their memories and perhaps gain something from that, so she spent several months putting together reading lessons for them, and installed it in the school building. From then on, every time she visited Adonia, she brought blank journals and pencils for them, in addition to clothing and books for them to read.

When she was working for the people, she felt a sense of accomplishment, though over time she wondered whether or not she was really making any long-term difference
.  At first Etana stuck with her decision not to argue or try to reason with Timothy, but over time she weakened that resolve and started to argue with him.

She arrived on
Adonia tired and frustrated. Despite this, Timothy looked happy to see her, and she marched angrily into the bedroom.

“Your game is over now. You’ve seen what the end result of this would be; now fix it!”
She didn’t know why she was saying this. She wasn’t even sure he
could
fix it. How could anyone fix it?

“Why would I do that?
” he said. “I think there’s still a lot to learn from where these societies are headed.” He smirked and then he leaned over to kiss her. Her reaction shocked both of them. She quickly reached up and slapped him across the face. For a moment she felt powerful. She felt control. So she tried to hit him again, but he caught her arm, pinned her down to the bed and held her there. When her body relaxed, he let go.

“You’re trying to play God,” she
whispered while staring at the ceiling. “But you’re not God. The longer you let this go on, the more people will be hurt. I know you don’t care, but couldn’t you even
try
to care?”

Timothy smirked but otherwise kept his composure
. “Me, trying to play God? I’m simply observing. You’re the one who brings blessings from the sky in an effort to help them. But I wonder how much of a blessing your gifts really are. Maybe the people on Zozeis would be happier if you let them forget about Earth. Maybe the people on Adonia would rise to the occasion and survive on their own if you didn’t act as their crutch.” He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “If one of us is playing God, it certainly isn’t me.”

She
turned away from him and started crying. The more she tried to reason with him the more hopeless she felt. Some days he told her that the people needed her help, and on other days he told her that she was doing more harm than good. He was playing with her mind, and she knew it, but she was feeling too weary to struggle against it anymore. Her heart felt numb.

Timothy watched her. He could tell she was reaching a breaking point
and that if he didn’t act carefully he might lose all control over her. It was time to change the game.

“One more time,” he said
, casually.

“What?” she asked, wiping the tears from her
eyes.

“Sleep with me one more time, and after that we’ll never have sex again until you desire it.”

She studied his face but she couldn’t read him. “What’s the catch?” she asked.

“We’ll travel together every time you want to go somewhere.”

Etana felt a lump in her throat. This agreement almost sounded worse than the original one. If she ever desired to go to Earth again she would have to spend three straight months with him in a confined area. She breathed slowly and looked away from him. Why would he want this? Why was he offering this now? “What’s in it for you?” she asked.

“
It gives me the chance to make you fall in love with me.”

Etana
laughed nervously but Timothy kept a straight face. She stopped laughing and looked at him. “I’ll never love you,” she said.

His eyes sparkled
just a little. “I love a challenge,” he said.

“One more time,” she said
, and they undressed. But she still felt numb, so when he tried to engage her she didn’t respond. His touch offended her now more than ever and she was glad that this would be the last time. She tried not to think about what it would be like to be around him every time she traveled. She lay motionless with a blank look over her face as she stared at the wall. She didn’t want to think about anything; she wanted to shut him out of her mind completely. He started to kiss her neck and whisper kind words to her, but she didn’t respond to his words or his touch. After that he started getting impatient. He slowly lost his resolve to act carefully toward her.

“Snap out of it,” he said. “Our last time isn’t going to be like this.”

She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. She was ignoring him, and in doing so she was deeply upsetting him. If there was one thing he didn’t want from her it was apathy.
Give me some emotion—anything!

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her, gently at first but harshly when she continued not to respond. “Snap out of it!” he repeated
. He wondered what he had to do to get a reaction out of her, and then he struck her face with the palm of his hand, not hard enough to seriously hurt her, but hard enough to shock her so that at least she opened her eyes again.