Authors: Gregory Mcdonald
“And she would have stayed home in her closet,” Stella said with disgust.
“Stroking her chinchilla,” put in Edith Howell.
“Well, this time Marge Peterman didn’t stay home,” insisted Stella Littleford. “She showed up on location and stabbed the bastard.”
Gerry snickered.
“Well, where was she during the taping of
The Dan Buckley Show?”
Stella asked.
“With me,” Fletch answered.
“And who the hell are you?”
“Nobody.”
“He’s our host,” said Edith Howell. “Would somebody please pass the wine?”
“And later,” said Stella, “where was she? We found her over there behind those trailers.”
“With me,” Fletch said.
“Looked to me like she was hiding,” said Stella.
“It’s decided.” Gerry Littleford put down his knife and fork. “Stella killed Steve Peterman and thus struck another blow for the equality of women.”
Mooney’s eyes kept closing and his head kept bobbing and he kept eating. He was napping during dinner.
“Investors,” said Geoff McKensie.
“Yeah,” mocked Moxie. “Let’s hear it from the investors.”
McKensie wrinkled his eyebrows at her. Apparently, like most taciturn men, when McKensie spoke, he expected to be heard. He waited for attention and then spoke in a tone far friendlier than what he had to say to the people present: “I’ve been thinking it out. Who had the most reason to kill Steve Peterman? He was really muckin’ this film up, he was. Here the company had hired a first class director—me. I only took on the job with the understandin’ I could have a free hand with the script. I spent months goin’ over that script. My wife and I flew halfway ’round this spinnin’ earth. I spent a week in California, thrashing the new script out with Talcott Cross. He approved everything I wanted to do. ’Course, he’s a professional, he is. I come out here to this American boot camp for heaven—”
“I think he means Florida,” Fletch whispered to Moxie.
“—and here’s this Peterman bloke rollin’ ’round on his back like a pig turnin’ everything on the menu into garbage.”
Sy Koller’s color was deepening. “You mean, he fired you.”
“Right he did,” said McRensie. “And he hires a second-rate, has-been director—” McKensie jerked his thumb at his directorial table mate. “—who proceeds to film the original lousy script as if it was half-good. As if it was any good.”
“Excuse me for living,” said Sy Koller. He was a deep crimson.
“Come on, Geoff,” said Edith Howell. “Be fair. You were the victim of a terrible, terrible tragedy. Your wife was killed. You couldn’t expect to carry on—”
“I’m not used to yankee-land,” said McKensie. “With a little luck, I never will be, I now think. But where I come from—Down Under—when something like that happens a decent interval takes place. A chap’s allowed to take the blow and recover.”
“Come on, McKensie,” Gerry Littleford said. “You were in no shape to direct after your wife’s death. You still aren’t. How could you be?”
McKensie’s eyes attacked Littleford. “I’ll tell you, sonny, your best chance was to film my script. With me directing.” He made another disparaging gesture toward Koller. “You haven’t got a lawyer’s chance in heaven doin’ things they way you’re doin’ ’em.”
Fletch was looking at Moxie. His eyes were repeating,
Having two directors in the house is like having two ladies wearing the same expensive dress.
“What happened here?” McKensie asked rhetorically, dropping his h’s onto his plate. “The day after my wife was killed there was no filming—of course. That same damn day this failed director—” Again, he jerked his thumb at Koller. “—is flown in by Steven Peterman. Named the director of
Midsummer Night’s Madness.
My script is thrown into the hopper and the day after that, you all start filming the original pile of garbage. He didn’t even wait until after the funeral.”
“I know, Geoff,” Moxie said. “I spoke to Steve
about that. I thought it was rotten. I tried to get him to hold off filming for a few days—”
“It wasn’t respectful, for one thing,” said McKensie. “My wife was a lady who deserved a little respect, you know.”
“I’m sure she was,” Edith Howell said quickly. “I wish we had all known her.”
“But Steve said,” continued Moxie. “Oh, you know what he said. He said, how many thousands of dollars filming costs a day. How many thousands of dollars it cost to have the whole crew idle.”
“‘Idle’,” scoffed McKensie. “Respect for the dead, I’d call it. A little respect for the bereaved.”
“Steve read me the figures,” Moxie said. “Said the investors would have every reason to raise hell if we closed down for a few days.”
“Exactly,” McKensie said. “Investors. Maybe your investors have got more sense than Peterman gave ’em credit for. Maybe in the old days in Hollywood you could pull the line
investors don’t want the movie good—they want it Thursday.
But films cost a bit too much for that, these days. From my experience with investors, they’d rather have a piece of somethin’ that has a chance of makin’ a profit than a piece of somethin’ that stinks so bad it’ll have to be buried at sea.”
Koller’s face was going through the whole color spectrum. “Tell me, McKensie,” he said. “If you think
Misdummer Night’s Madness
is basically such a lousy script, how come you agreed to direct it in the first place?”
“You don’t expect me to be honest about that, do you?” McKensie said.
Koller raised and dropped his hands in despair. “Right now, I don’t know what to expect.”
“It was my chance to direct in America,” Geoffrey McKensie said. “I thought I could make a silk slipper out of a dog’s paw. I could have, too.” He sat back on his chair. Lopez was clearing the table. “If I were an investor in
Midsummer Night’s Mad-ness,
and I knew what was going on on location, I would have murdered Steve Peterman ruddy fast. The bastard deserved it.”
“But there was no one on location, Geoff,” Gerry Littleford said, “except those of us actively making the film. The location had been secured.”
“Bullsdroppings,” said McKensie. “At that moment, there were several alleged members of the press on location. You can’t tell me one of them couldn’t have been a kill artist.”
“Me again,” said Fletch.
“You,” said McKensie. “You’re a member of the press? I haven’t been able to find a typewriter anywhere in this house. I spent the afternoon lookin’. In your own room, there isn’t a pad of paper, or a pencil, a camera…”
“Good point,” said Fletch.
“What the hell were you doin’ on location then?” McKensie asked.
“I admit,” said Fletch, “getting on location wasn’t that difficult. I expect anybody who really wanted to, could have. But… they’d have to show some identification.”
Finally, Koller’s cholera caroomed. “McKensie,” he said, “you’re full of down-under dung. So far you’ve made three small—very small—films, somewhere in the Outback, a million miles from nowhere, no pressure on you, with all the time in the world. Artsy-smartsy films. For God’s sake, they haven’t even really been released outside Australia. Your world-wide audience would fit into a mini-bus. And everyone in the back seat would only pretend to understand what you’re tryin’ to do. And suddenly you’re God Almighty. The
Grand Auteur.
Listen to me, babe—I’ve made more films that you’ve ever seen. You know how many films I’ve made? Thirty eight! Okay, so the last five didn’t do so well. Three is all you’ve made, buster! Hell, my wife knows more about directing than you’ll ever know, just from listenin’ to me talk. And I’ve made better films than you’ll ever make. Damn it all, at least when I film night scenes like in
Midsummer Night’s Madness,
I give the audience enough light to see what’s goin’ on. You make that film and the last third of the picture would be so dark, the audience wouldn’t even be able to find their way out of their seats to go home.” Koller took a deep breath. “Just because some of us are courteous to you, kid, don’t think you’re such a hotshot.”
McKensie didn’t seem too disturbed by this laceration. He was eating his lime pie.
“Well,” Edith Howell said into the thick silence, “where did John Meade go? Fletch, you said he was just doing an errand.”
“He is. Just ran up to New York for a minute.”
“New York?” exclaimed Edith. “For a minute? We’re two thousand miles from New York, aren’t we?”
“Just for a minute,” Fletch said. “Doing an errand for Moxie. He’ll be back tonight. John said he’d do anything in the world for Moxie.”
“Mister McKensie,” boomed Mooney in what doubtlessly was meant to be taken as a proper manner. “Mister Peterkin tells me you are about to commence principal photography on a film of William Shakespeare’s
Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
Everyone at table looked at everyone else.
“O.L.,” Moxie said gently.
“If so,” continued Mooney, now obviously addressing Sy Koller, “I should very much like to be considered for a part, however small…”
Gerry Littleford giggled.
“Not Oberon, of course,” conceded Mooney, “bit too thick in the leg for that these days. But you might consider me for Theseus, you know. I’ve played it before, and I’ve always thought Philostrate a smashing role.”
“Really, O.L. Stop it.”
“Well, daughter, no one else seems to want to have me, these days. Of course, my managers rather ran up the price of my talents these last few years. I wouldn’t pay myself what people have had to pay me. I’m sure all that salary-fee business can be adjusted, for a small role. Mister McKensie—” Frederick Mooney smiled at Sy Koller. “—you’re in luck, as you’ve caught me between engagements, as it were.”
“Goddamn it!” Moxie exploded. “Why don’t you consider yourself retired?” She pushed her chair back from the table. “Superannuated? Shelved? Out to pasture?”
“Moxie?” Fletch said.
She stood up, nearly knocking her chair over. “Why don’t you think of joining mother in the asylum? You put her there. You’ve put yourself there. Why don’t you go?”
Moxie left the dining room.
“Her exits are getting better as the day goes on,” Stella commented. “I can hardly wait to see how dramatically she goes to bed.”
“She didn’t even slam a door that time,” Gerry said.
“That was good.” Sy Koller looked at where she had been sitting. “She created all the effect of a slammed door without slamming a door. All the effect of knocking over her chair without knocking it over.”
“What are you guys talking about?” asked Fletch. “There is no door.”
“There’s always a door,” said Sy Koller, “in your mind.”
“I have embarrassed my daughter,” uttered Frederick Mooney remorsefully. “She resists thinking of me as a bit player. She forgets, or she never knew, all the small things I have had to do… in this business, to keep afloat.”
“Coffee, anyone?” Fletch asked. Lopez had appeared with a pot.
“Global Cable News called again,” Lopez said
while pouring out Fletch’s coffee. “A Mister Fennelli. I said I’d give you the message.”
“Thank you.” Fletch smiled at those remaining at table. “At the moment, I don’t think I have anything to report.”
After dinner, Fletch found Geoffrey McKensie in the billiard room playing alone.
Fletch chose a cue stick and McKensie triangled the balls.
They played almost through a game without saying anything.
Finally, McKensie said, “Sorry. Fraid I behaved pretty badly at dinner. I ran on like a young lady not invited to the garden party.”
“Not to worry,” Fletch said. “You had some things that needed saying and you said ’em.”
Continuing in the tone of one vexed with himself, McKensie clucked, “What will you Yanks think of us Aussies.”
“Us Yanks will think of you Aussies as lovingly
as we always have.” At Fletch’s stroke, the cue ball neatly avoided every other ball on the table.
McKensie sank two and took his third shot.
“Good at sports, too,” Fletch said. “Damn it.” He bounced the cue ball off several, leaving McKensie with a wonderful lay. “Tell me, though—those things you said—were you saying them because you really believe someone in Jumping Cow Productions might really have been gunning for Peterman—or were you just saying them to dump on Koller?”
McKensie took a careful shot and sank two at once.
Fletch hung up his stick.
“I don’t know,” McKensie said. “It’s true—Koller was a good director—back before he sank his integrity in the briney. Nowadays, it doesn’t bother him to shoot a bad script—as long as he gets paid for it. What hurts is that he knows better. It’s also true that Peterman was mucking things up royally. He deserved the cold steel between his ribs.”
Seeing Fletch had quit, McKensie resumed playing by himself and cleaned off the table.
Fletch asked, “Do you think Peterman could have been sabotaging this film on purpose?”
“I can’t think of a reason. Nobody likes to lose money.” McKensie hung up his own cue. “But I’ll tell you, Peterman couldn’t have done more to torpedo that film if he were doin’ it deliberate.”
“Drink?” Fletch asked. “There’s some bad American beer.”
“Brought some scripts with me from home,” McKensie said. “Think I’ll go do some work on ’em. Somethin’ tells me Koller won’t want to continue talkin’ shop with me this night.”
Outside in the dark, Edith Howell and Sy Koller were sitting in the comfortable chairs on the cistern sipping large Scotches.
“Do you know,” Edith Howell said to Fletch as he sat down with them, “that Freddy has escaped the premises again?”
“Key West is a good place to go out.”
“He’s like a cat. When you think he’s in he’s out and out in.”
“Gone out for conviviality,” Fletch said. “Do you worry about him?”
“Freddy? Good God, no. He has millions.”
Fletch swallowed what to him was a
non sequitur.
“Of dollars?”
“Tens of millions. I know that for a fact.”
Fletch shook his head. “Somehow, I thought he was broke. I think Moxie thinks he’s broke.”
“Tens of millions,” repeated Edith Howell. “I know of what I speak. I have friends whose friends are friends of Freddy, if you know what I mean. He has millions all over the world, just lying around.”