Flight (12 page)

We’re all the same people. And we are all falling.

I close my eyes and pray.

Jimmy stays silent all the way down.

W
HEN I OPEN MY
eyes I am staring at a rat.

No, wait.

The rat stares at me.

It’s a huge wharf rat, two feet long, with intelligent eyes. And the rat seems to be thinking,
You’re too big to kill, but I’m going to take a bite out of your ass anyway.

I panic and roll away, thinking that the rat’s violent intentions might actually be amorous. What if I’ve dropped into the body of a rat? What if I’m about to get fucked by another rat?

Shit.

But, no, I feel human. I am human. A human who rolls away from a rat.

I roll through rotten food and dog shit and rank water and moldy newspaper. And then I slam into a Dumpster. Damn, it hurts.

But I have no time to complain. What if that rat has followed me? What if it’s ready to attack? I look back for it, my enemy.

It hasn’t moved. It stares at me.

“Fuck you, rat,” I say.

My words are quickly followed by projectile vomit. I spew half-digested food and booze toward the rat.

That scares it away, and I laugh.

Damn rat wasn’t expecting that. Of course, if I hadn’t scared him, the rat would have gladly eaten my vomit. And that disgusting thought makes me vomit again.

I retch. My stomach convulses. And I see blood in my vomit.

Am I dying?

Well, I’m certainly a street drunk, a loser whose belly is torn apart by booze. That’s why they call it rotgut.

A cliché now, but somebody coined that word centuries ago. And imagine how funny and sad and accurate it was the first time somebody said it.

Yeah, that whiskey will rot your guts. It’s rotgut.

Why the hell am I thinking this stupid shit? Probably because I’m still drunk.

“Hey, buddy!”

Somebody yells at me.

“Hey, buddy!”

I see two pairs of shoes walking toward me. I know those shoes are connected to legs, bodies, and faces, but I can’t lift my head high enough to see any details.

“You all right, dude?” A young man’s voice.

I roll onto my back and look up at a young man and woman. A couple. Pretty white people. Cameras around their necks, genuine concern in their eyes.

Gorgeous tourists.

“You okay?” the young man asks again.

“I’m drunk,” I say.

“Yes, you are.”

“What do I look like?” I ask.

“What do you mean?”

“Am I young or old?”

The young couple look at each other and laugh. I don’t mean to amuse them. I just want to know whose body I’ve dropped into this time.

“Am I young or old?” I ask again.

“You look about fifty,” the young woman says. “Like my father.”

“Am I white?”

“No,” she says. “You’re Indian.”

“How do you know I’m Indian?”

“Your braids. And your shirt.”

I look down at my dirty T-shirt, emblazoned with a black-and-white photograph of the Apache warrior Geronimo and the ironed-on caption
FIGHTING TERRORISM SINCE
1492.

“Do you need some help?” the young woman asks.

“What’s your name?” I ask.

“Pam,” she says. “And this is Paul.”

“Pam and Paul,” I say. “That’s too fucking cute.”

They laugh again. He laughs so hard that he stumbles and almost steps in my vomit. He dances and spins away from it, and that makes them laugh harder. Are they drunk, too?

“Where am I?” I ask. “What city?”

“Tacoma,” Paul says.

Just thirty miles from Seattle. I’m getting closer to home, if not closer to my own body.

“What year is it?” I ask.

That makes them laugh, too.

“Dude,” Paul says, “you are way drunk.”

“Just tell me what year it is,” I say. “Please.”

“Two thousand seven,” he says.

“It’s now,” I say.

“Well, no matter where you are, dude, it’s always now, ain’t it?”

Great, a fucking philosopher.

“Can you help me get up?” I ask.

“Sure,” he says.

Pam and Paul help me to my feet. I’m dizzy. And I vomit again. Pam and Paul leap away as I fall to my knees. I vomit again.

And it’s filled with blood, too much blood.

I must be dying.

“Dude,” Paul says. “You need a doctor.”

“Call nine-one-one,” Pam says.

Paul pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and calls for help.

“They’re on the way,” he says.

But I don’t want help.

No, wait.
This body
doesn’t want help. I’m vomiting blood but I want to flee.

That doesn’t make any sense. But I can’t control my emotions. My fears. Yes, I’m afraid.

“I have to go,” I say to Pam and Paul.

I don’t want to say it. But I can’t stop myself. This body is stronger than me. And this body wants to escape.

And so I run. No, I shamble.

Jesus, that’s the absolute worst way in which any human can travel: shambling. Shit.

“Come back,” Pam and Paul call after me. I can hear the concern in their voices, but I don’t hear any passion. They’re not going to detain me or follow me or let me become anything other than an anecdote to tell at dinner parties.

And then there was the time we helped this homeless Indian guy…

Of course, they’d revise history in order to make themselves look more heroic, to give the story a happy fucking ending.

And then the ambulance came and saved him. And the paramedic said the Indian dude would have died if we’d called, like, five minutes later.

I don’t look back at Pam and Paul as I continue to shamble away. I hate their alliteration almost as much as I hate their reflexive compassion.

I want to hurt them.

So I turn around and point a finger at them. I want to accuse them. To curse them.

“It’s all your fault,” I say.

“What?” Paul asks.

“It’s all your fault,” I say again.

“What’s our fault?”

“White people did this to Indians. You make us like this.”

I don’t even know if I believe that. But I think this homeless body believes it. I think this fifty-year-old guy wants to blame somebody for his pain and his hunger.

But what if it’s his fault? What if he made all the decisions that led him to this sad-ass fate?

Fuck me, I think, and fuck this body I’m occupying.

“And fuck you,” I say to Pam and Paul. “And fuck your whiteness.”

Jesus, I wonder if this homeless guy understands the difference between white and whiteness. And then I wonder if I should be so condescending, considering that I am this homeless guy.

“Please,” Pam says. “We’re just trying to help.”

“Fuck you,” I say again. I don’t want to say it. Not really. But this homeless guy’s anger is even stronger than my anger. And anger is never added to anger. It multiplies.

“The ambulance will be here soon,” Pam says. “Please wait.”

“Did you tell them I was Indian?”

“Yes,” Paul says.

“Did you tell them I was homeless?”

“Yes.”

“Then they ain’t coming. Not for a long time, at least. I’m way down on their priority list.”

“But you’re important to us,” Pam says.

I laugh.

But I can tell she means it. And I hate her for meaning it. Her sincerity makes her weak and easily manipulated.

“You want to fuck me?” I ask.

“What?” Pam and Paul say together.

“Do you want to fuck me?” I ask again, slowly.

I can see the sudden anger in Paul. His eyes go lightning. His hands make beautiful fists. Good. He’s not a pussy. Great. I want him to hit me. I want to fight.

“Come on, Pam,” he says. “Let’s get out of here.”

“She doesn’t want to go with you,” I say. “She wants to stay here and fuck me.”

Paul takes a quick step toward me, but Pam grabs his arm.

“No,” she says. “Leave him alone. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.”

God, she’s tough. She won’t let me take away her compassion. Maybe she can’t be manipulated. Maybe I can’t defeat her with my rage and self-hatred.

Jesus, I don’t understand her.

“He can’t talk to you like that,” Paul says.

“It’s all he knows how to do,” she says. “Don’t let it get to you.”

He relaxes a bit. I can tell that he listens to her. He pays attention. He takes her advice. He seeks her counsel. He respects her.

I hate him for it. And I hate her for inspiring him.

“Hey, Paul,” I say. “Does she like it in the ass?”

She can’t stop him this time. He rushes toward me and punches me in the face.

I
THINK HE BROKE
my jaw.

I shamble through an alley, blood filling my mouth and nose, and wonder if a man can drown in his own blood. Well, yes, of course, a man can drown in his blood. But can he drown while walking? If I stay upright, will I stay alive?

This alley smells like rotten food. Huge Dumpsters and garbage cans line both sides. They’re filled with expired food and half-eaten meals. This must be an alley between rows of restaurants.

Other homeless folks forage. Flocks of sparrows, pigeons, and seagulls forage. And murders of crows bully the other birds and bully the humans, too.

I wish I’d wake up inside a crow.

Nobody looks at me as I stagger past. I’m not an uncommon sight. I’m a beaten bloody Indian. Who turns to look at such a man? There are other beaten bloody Indians in this alley.

What do you call a group of beaten bloody Indians, a murder of Indians? A herd of Indians? A bottle of Indians?

I want the other Indians to recognize me. To shout out my name. But they are hungry. And their pain is more important than my pain.

I don’t remember how I got here. I remember that Paul punched me. And then I remember stepping into this alley. I don’t remember the in-between. I have lost time.

Losing time: That’s all I know how to do now.

Jesus, I’m pathetic. Didn’t I just force that poor guy to hit me? Didn’t I want his violence? Fuck me. I’m leaving this alley.

I’m going to walk out of this sad-sack alley and find a bathroom. And I’m going to wash my face and clothes. No, I’ll steal some clothes. Good clothes. A white shirt and black pants. And I’ll steal good shoes, too. Black leather shoes, cap toes, with intricate designs cut into the leather. In good clothes, I can be a good man.

And so I shamble out of the alley. No, I suck in my stomach muscles, straighten my spine, and hold my head level and I strut out of the alley.

And I horrify my audience. People sprint around me. A few just turn around and walk in the opposite direction. One woman screams.

Jesus, I must look like a horror movie. But that doesn’t matter. I am covered with the same blood that is inside everybody else. They can’t judge me because of this blood.

“I want some respect,” I say.

Nobody hears me. Worse, nobody understands me.

“I want some respect,” I say again, louder this time.

A man walks around the corner, almost bumps into me, and then continues on. He didn’t notice me. He didn’t see my blood. I follow him. A gray man, he wears a cheap three-button suit with better shoes. He talks loudly into a Bluetooth earpiece.

“I want some respect,” I say to him.

He stops, turns around, and looks at me. He regards me.

“I want some respect,” I say.

“I’ll call you back, Jim, I got some drunk guy talking to me,” he says into his earpiece, and hits the hangup button. And then he asks me, “What the fuck do you want, chief?”

He thinks the curse word will scare me. He thinks the curse word will let me know that he once shot a man just to watch him die.

“I knew Johnny Cash,” I say, “and you ain’t Johnny Cash.”

The man laughs. He thinks I’m crazy. I laugh. I am crazy. He offers me a handful of spare change.

“There you go, chief,” he says.

“I don’t want your money,” I say. “I want your respect.”

The man laughs again. Is laughter all I can expect?

“Don’t laugh at me,” I say.

“All right, all right, chief,” he says. “I won’t laugh at you. You have a good day.”

He turns to walk away, but I grab his shoulder. He grabs my wrist and judos me into the brick wall.

“All right, all right, chief,” he says. “I don’t want you touching me.”

He could snap my bones if he wanted to. He could drive his thumb into my temple and kill me. I can feel his strength, his skill, his muscle memory.

It’s my turn to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” he asks.

“I’m just wondering how many white guys are going to beat my ass today.”

“Chief, you keep acting this way and we’re all going to beat your ass today.”

We both think that’s funny, so we laugh together. And we almost bond because of our shared amusement.

“I’m going to let you go,” he says. “And when I do, I want us both to act like gentlemen, okay?”

“I want some respect,” I say.

“Are you going to be a gentleman?”

“I want some respect.”

“How many times are you going to say that?”

“I’m going to say it until I get some respect.”

The man looks around. He realizes that he’s pinned a bloody homeless man against a brick wall. Not one of his prouder moments. But he’s scared to let me go.

“All right, all right,” he says. “How do I show you some respect?”

Shit, I don’t have an answer for that. And then I realize that respect isn’t exactly what I want. This body wants respect. I don’t know what I want. And I don’t know how to define respect, for me or for this homeless guy. So I take a guess.

“Tell me a story,” I say.

“You want me to tell you a story?”

“Yeah.”

“And that will give you respect?”

“Yeah.”

The guy pauses again. He is flabbergasted to be in this situation. And I’m flabbergasted that I have used the word
flabbergasted.
This homeless Indian has an old-fashioned vocabulary wired into his brain.

“All right,” he says. “What kind of story do you want to hear?”

“Something personal,” I say. “Something you haven’t told anybody. Something secret.”