Authors: Debbie Viggiano
Carefully, Steph put one foot on the papered toilet seat. Pushing herself up, she planted both feet wide. Steph strained to see over the top of the cubicle partition. If only she were an inch or two taller. Adopting a ballerina’s stance, she balanced precariously on her tiptoes. Her cubicle door was wide open now. Steph prayed nobody came into the rest room. If she was caught doing Swan Lake on a toilet seat, there would be a lot of explaining to do. Steph clung to the top of the partition, raising herself as high as she could. Even her eyebrows were raised. They nearly shot off her forehead when she found herself gazing across the rafters at June.
June put a finger to her lips. Terrified even to breath, Steph glimpsed down. Nothing could prepare her for the sight that met her eyes. A woman was reclining back on the toilet seat, legs up against the cubicle walls. The woman’s face was hidden by long hair. She was naked to her waist. And leaning over her was a man. Steph’s eyes widened. Good heavens! They were at it! The man’s tailored trousers were down, the fabric puddled around his ankles. Steph found herself thinking the material would crease. And then she mentally shook herself. Fancy such an irrational thought popping into her head at a time like this. The man had a very white bottom. His buttocks were slightly flabby. They wobbled with every thrust he made – and there was plenty of that going on. Steph’s mind boggled. Things were obviously building to a climax. The woman was gasping now. She was oohing and aahing quite shamelessly and –
no!
– clearly faking as well. Steph was amazed to see the woman casually bring her wrist up to her face and check the time on her watch.
‘Ooh yes,’ gasped the woman. Now she was stifling a yawn.
‘Oh darling,’ panted the man, ‘my little popsicle.’
‘My sweetheart,’ cooed the woman. Now she was checking her nails.
‘You are the sun, the stars and the moon,’ puffed the man as he pounded away. Steph frowned. His voice was very familiar.
‘You are my universe,’ sighed the woman as she picked off some nail polish. Her voice was familiar too.
‘Aaahh.’
‘Ooh.’
‘Eee.’
‘Give it to me lover boy,’ urged the woman.
‘Oooooooh,’ said the man picking up speed.
Steph’s jaw dropped as realisation dawned. The woman was Melody. And the man –
good God!
– the man was Harry! Steph couldn’t believe it had taken her so long to work out who she was watching. She had to hand it to Harry. For a sixty-four year old he certainly had stamina. She didn’t dare look at June. Harry’s whole body was juddering away now, like a pneumatic drill. She felt slightly sorry for Melody. Her back must be killing her.
And then several things happened at once. Melody looked up. She took in Steph’s face first and then June’s. And then she screamed. Very loudly. Harry craned his head up awkwardly and followed Melody’s gaze. His face was pink from exertion. It changed to puce when he saw Steph and June. Melody pushed him off. Losing his balance, Harry’s hands shot out. He grabbed blindly at something to break his fall. His hands encountered the industrial sized toilet roll dispenser. He clung on to it. It promptly came off the wall and hit him squarely on the head. Reams of toilet paper began to unravel everywhere.
‘How dare you!’ screeched Melody. She stood up, pants at half mast. Picking up the toilet brush she lobbed it at June. But Melody’s aim was off. The toilet brush bounced off the ceiling and landed on Harry’s back.
‘Oh my God,’ he shrieked, ‘get that disgusting thing off me NOW!’
June instantly disappeared from sight. There was a splashing noise from her cubicle.
‘Are you okay June?’ Steph shouted.
‘And as for you Mrs Garvey,’ snarled Melody lunging for the hygiene bin, ‘have this on me.’ She hurled the plastic container with all her might. The lid instantly parted company from the bin. Steph had a brief glimpse of the bin’s unsavoury contents raining over Harry before ducking to avoid the lid.
‘Noooo!’ Harry was squealing like a pig.
But Harry’s distress was the least of Steph’s concern. She was struggling to keep her balance. There was a crazy moment where she appeared to be tap-dancing on layers of loo paper. Steph’s hands flailed helplessly trying to grab purchase on the smooth partition walls. She was starting to look like a cartoon character – that moment of running on the spot before things went seriously awry. In desperation Steph clutched hold of the refurbished Victorian toilet chain. But the chain wasn’t static. And as Steph pulled, the chain went down. Steph fell into the toilet bowl in a fountain of flushing water. All hell was breaking out next door. Clambering out of the toilet bowl, heels trailing sodden loo paper, she shot out of the cubicle and cannoned into June. There was a moment where they simply stared at each other, too shocked to speak. And then Steph gave an unexpected snort.
‘I’m so sorry June,’ Steph struggled to control her facial muscles, ‘this really isn’t funny.’
‘I know,’ June clapped a hand over her mouth and promptly convulsed.
‘It’s nerves,’ Steph clung to June weakly, mirth shaking her body.
‘What are we going to do?’ gasped June clutching her sides.
‘We need to get out of here,’ Steph now had tears rolling down her cheeks.
‘Did you see his face?’ June wheezed, clearly at the painfully funny stage of hysterics.
A volley of swearing had broken out in the middle cubicle.
‘YOU STUPID GIRL,’ Harry was screaming at Melody, ‘I might have contracted some horrible disease from this STINKING lot of–’
Steph didn’t wait to hear any more. Grabbing June by one arm, the pair of them legged it to the rest room door.
Chapter Seventy
After Steph had left the table, Si had sat for a full five minutes before signalling Dawn over.
‘Sorry love, can you put these dinners in the oven?’ he’d asked. ‘Everybody’s disappeared.’
‘Of course pet.’
Dawn had whisked the plates away. Si had then looked at his watch and decided that everybody’s absence was ridiculous. Harry had been gone for half an hour. June, the best part of twenty minutes. Clearly his wife had fared no better. Si had decided that either a massive black hole in the rest rooms was sucking its occupants into the depths of the universe, or else everybody had monumental bowel problems. Si had looked at his watch again before draining his champagne glass. And then he’d decided that he too might as well do a Jimmy Riddle.
And now, inside the Gents, Si stood before the brand new urinals. Another man was also standing before one. Si unzipped and stood next to him. Both men stared ahead in silence. As Si relieved himself, he became aware of muffled noises. The sounds were coming from next door – the female rest room. The noises increased. It was evident some sort of kerfuffle was going on. Now a woman was shrieking her head off and a man was swearing. A man? In the Ladies?
‘I say,’ the bloke standing next to Si said, ‘do you think everything’s okay next door?’
Si looked at the man and his mouth dropped open. Bloody hell. Barry Hastings. Si nearly lost aim. Barry Hastings was now zipping up but not before Si had inadvertently glimpsed sight of Barry’s privates. Well, well, well. Barry Hastings might have the looks of a Greek God, the sporting prowess of an Olympic Gold Medallist and a business brain like The Dragons, but God hadn’t smiled kindly on him in the trouser department. Si instantly felt ten feet tall.
‘Do I know you?’ asked Barry. ‘You look awfully familiar.’
Si zipped up and washed his hands. ‘You know my wife better.’
Barry looked puzzled.
‘Steph Garvey.’
‘Ah.’ Barry was now looking a bit shifty. As well he might. ‘You’re Simon.’
Si dried his hands. ‘The very one and same.’ He blocked the exit door. ‘If World War Three wasn’t breaking out in next door’s rest room, I’d hang around here to start World War Three in the Gents with you.’
Barry looked alarmed. He backed away. Hands up. ‘Now look–’
‘No you look! Don’t you ever contact Steph again. Or I’ll get hold of your Facebook Status and shove it right up your–’
Si paused. Bedlam was occurring next door. Si could hear things being thrown about. Bugger Barry Hastings. He wasn’t worth it. Si left Barry cowering against the urinals and hauled the Gents’ door open. He rushed over to the Ladies. Somebody in there sounded as mad as a hornet. And that person was definitely male. Perhaps he was trying to rape somebody. Si took a deep breath and charged at the door. But before he could make contact, somebody within opened it. Si shot through the aperture, straight past a surprised June and Steph and cannoned into the washbasins. He slid down to the floor as the breath whooshed out of him. For now, he could only stare at the events unfolding around him. Was this for real? Or had everybody gone mad?
June and Steph were soaked from the knees down. Both of them were trailing sodden toilet paper. Si’s eyes widened as Harry lumbered out of the middle cubicle. His progress was hampered by trousers around his ankles. On his back was a half naked Melody. She was shrieking her head off, tits flopping everywhere and brandishing a bog brush.
‘Marry me Harry – I want your babies!’
‘Get OFF you stupid girl,’ Harry was jerking from side to side in an attempt to throw Melody off.
‘Not until you tell me you love me.’
‘But I don’t love you!’ Harry wailed. ‘I love Juney.’
Si watched as June’s face contorted with rage.
‘How
dare
you Harry Cavendish!’ She marched over to the wastebasket full of wet paper towels. ‘You wouldn’t know the meaning of love if it walloped you in the face.’ June picked the wastebasket up, brandishing it menacingly.
‘Don’t you touch him!’ snarled Melody.
‘And as for you,’ June rounded on Melody, ‘trash for trash!’ And with that June flung the wastebasket at Harry and Melody.
‘Oh God,’ spluttered Harry as he shook off wet paper towels, ‘I can’t take any more of this.’
‘I’m going home now Harry,’ June said. Her voice was dangerously calm. ‘And I never want to see you again.’
‘But we haven’t had dinner yet,’ Harry wailed.
‘I think dinner is off,’ muttered Steph.
Si hauled himself up from the floor. ‘Thanks for the champers Harry but I think we’re just about done. Personally I’d stick with Melody. You’re both two of a kind. Have a nice life together.’
And with that Si opened the rest room door and guided June and Steph out. As they walked through the restaurant, Si was very aware of curious eyes upon the women.
Dawn appeared. ‘Are you ready for your dinners now pet?’
‘No love,’ said Si. ‘But Harry might be in another minute or two. I think Melody could do with your help though. She’s in a bit of a pickle.’
‘What’s she done now?’ Dawn looked alarmed.
Si jerked his head at the Ladies. ‘She’s got Harry in a stranglehold and won’t let go until he agrees to marry her. Oh – and before I forget – Barry’s in the Gents. For some reason he’s a bit frightened to come out.’ Si winked at her.
Shepherding June and Steph over to their abandoned dinner table, Si retrieved Steph’s laptop from underneath and gathered June’s hat up.
‘Come on girls. Let’s go home.’
Chapter Seventy One
Now that adrenalin had finished whooshing around her body, June was starting to feel a bit peculiar. Walking through the bar, she stopped and clung on to the counter.
‘What’s the matter love?’ Si took her elbow.
‘I’m not sure dear.’ June took some deep breaths. ‘I feel very shaky.’
At that moment Arnold materialised by her side.
‘June! Is everything all right?’ His kind face was full of concern. ‘Bridget went to use the Ladies and didn’t dare go in. She said there was some sort of fracas going on. She’s gone to find the manager. And then I saw you and your friends hurrying out.’
‘I’ve just had a bit of a ding-dong with somebody,’ June’s voice wobbled. She suddenly had a terrible urge to burst into tears. Oh no. She’d been fine up until now.
‘June’s had a bit of a shock,’ said Si.
‘Then she must have a brandy,’ said Arnold. ‘Barman!’
‘N-no thank you Arnold. I’d much rather go home.’
‘Damn,’ said Si. ‘We’re going to have to catch the bus. Harry brought us here. We can hardly ask him for a lift home.’
‘It would be my pleasure to give you all a lift,’ said Arnold. ‘Let me just say good-bye to Bridget. Ah, here she comes.’
‘There’s a right rum do going on over there,’ said Bridget striding over. ‘Some old boy has just wandered out the toilet exposing himself to patrons. He’s screaming blue bloody murder. A young woman’s grappled him to the ground. She’s beating the daylights out of him with a toilet brush. But for some reason she’s half starkers. Extraordinary sight. I say June, you look a bit pale. What’s up?’
‘That naked man was my dinner companion. I’ve just caught him and the young woman–’ she broke off and took a few deep breaths.
‘Bonking,’ Steph put in helpfully.
‘–in the toilet,’ June gasped.
‘Well they were on it actually,’ said Steph.
‘Yes,’ June quavered. ‘Lid down. Bottoms up. Not a pretty sight.’
Bridget puffed out her cheeks. ‘Good Lord. Well the Manager isn’t very happy. They’ve broken the toilet by all accounts. There’s water everywhere. Anyway, you’re better off without the likes of men like that June. You want a nice steady chap. Like Arnold here.’
June blushed.
‘Now then,’ Arnold chided Bridget, ‘don’t embarrass June. I’ve been attempting to charm her but I’m not sure she’s interested.’
‘Well I would have asked you out myself June,’ grinned Bridget, ‘but I didn’t think I was your type.’
‘Oh but I am,’ June gabbled. Her cheeks were going from pink to bright red. ‘I’m very interested.’
June looked at the little group assembled around her. Everybody’s mouths had dropped open. Exactly who was she staking her interest in here?
‘I mean–’ God this was embarrassing!
In a trice Arnold jumped into the awkward pause, rescuing June from any further discomfiture. ‘I think we know what you mean June. And your words are music to my ears. Meanwhile Bridget, I’m going to see these good people home.’