Authors: Carl Hiaasen
I’m talking about what happened on the docksabout Luno and the gun.
My mother went stiff.
What gun?
The guy was going to waste us!
Abbey burst out.
I mean, we were history.Then Noah dived on top of me, and then he
she nodded toward Grandpa Bobby
he jumped the goon and took the pistol away.
Immediately I was sorry that I’d brought it up. My mom’s face had gone white.
He tried to kill you?
She looked at Grandpa Bobby.
Is that true? He tried to kill the children?
Donna, it was a flare gun. He probably wanted to scare the you-know-what out of ‘em,
my grandfather said.
Just a flaregun?
Abbey sounded disappointed.
It’s still bad,
Dad said angrily.
He could’ve set the dinghy on fire. Or your clothes.
Grandpa Bobby told all of us to calm down.
The main thing is, nobody got hurt except for Baldy. Now, I believe it’s Noah’s turn to tell us his story. You ready, champ?
I guess.
My sister pretended to hold her nose.
Don’t leave out the part about the seagull,
she said.
I didn’t leave out anything, even the stuff that made me look the opposite of brilliant. Nobody interrupted with questions. They just sat there and listened.
When I was finished, Dad clicked his teeth and said,
You crashed into a manatee?
Then Mom said,
Who’s this Shelly person?
Then Abbey said,
The Mermaids’ bathroom? You perv!
Then Grandpa Bobby stood up and took the chain from around his neck. He placed it in my hand and said,
You earned it, Noah.
The gold coin on the end of that chain was heavier than any coin I’d ever held. I couldn’t believe he was giving it to me.
Once belonged to the queen of Spain,
he said,
about four hundred years ago.
Where’d you get it?
Dad asked.
Won it in a dice game. Or maybe it was poker.
Grandpa Bobby shrugged as if he honestly couldn’t remember.
Come on, troops, let’s go for a ride.
Where to?
I asked.
Thunder Beach,
he said.
Where else?
The food coloring didn’t show up as brightly in the sea as it did in the store bottles, but you could definitely see it. As Abbey and I had hoped, the current and the wind were in our favor, transporting the dye down the shoreline in a shiny stream from Dusty Muleman’s basin.
Dad and Grandpa Bobby stood together on Thunder Beach, admiring the telltale trail of fuchsia.
I’m impressed,
my father said.
This was your idea, Noah?
Abbey’s, too,
I said.
All I did was pick out the color,
she said.
That’s not true. We were fifty-fifty partners the whole way.
My grandfather slapped a hand on Dad’s shoulder.
Paine, you and Donna really lucked out with these youngsters. They’re true champs, both of ‘em.
Most of the time,
Dad said, shooting us a sideways glance.
You gotta admit,
said Grandpa Bobby,
this is a whole lot neater than sinkin’ the man’s boat.
Yeah, Pop, thanks for bringing that up.
Mom kept staring at the purplish slick in the shallows. Even though she was wearing sunglasses, we could tell she was upset. At first I thought she was mad at Abbey and me, but it turned out that she wasn’t. She was mad at Dusty Muleman.
Unbelievable!
she exploded finally.
How can a person do something like that! A father, for heaven’s sake! All the kids on the island go swimming hereand he’s poisoning the place with all this … this …
Ca-ca?
said Abbey.
Whatever,
my mother fumed.
The man ought to be in jail. He’s a menace to the public health.
Dad has a long list of people that he says should be locked up for one thing or another, but this was the first time I’d ever heard Mom say that about anybody.
My grandfather also was angered by what he saw, although he tried not to show it.
Jail’s too good for the lowlife who did this,
he said evenly,
but it’s a start.
Abbey and I looked uneasily at each other. We’d seen Grandpa Bobby in action before.
Paine, you ‘member that big muttonfish I caught here?
he asked my father.
The fifteen-pounder?
You bet I remember. Only it was fourteen pounds,
Dad said.
Fourteen even.
Sure? Anyways, it was a helluva catch,
said Grandpa Bobby.
That was back before they dropped fish traps all over the reefs. Back before certain creeps started dumping their crapola in the sea.
There was a rumbly edge to his voice, like he was struggling to keep his temper under control.
Mom said,
Don’t worry, Pop. Someday Dusty Muleman will get exactly what he deserves. People like him always do.
This was her famous what-goes-around-comes-around theory. My grandfather obviously didn’t buy it, although he was too polite to say so. He picked up a branch of driftwood and swept it back and forth through the stained water.
Somebody probably oughta notify the Coast Guard, while the tide’s right,
he said.
I didn’t mention the phone call I’d made earlier at the house. As if on cue, a sound like a rolling drumbeat rose from the north.
Abbey said,
Listen, guys! You hear that?
Thwock-a-thwock-a-thwock …
We all turned and looked up.
Over there!
said Dad. He has eyes like an osprey; the rest of us couldn’t see a thing.
After a while my grandfather spotted it, too, and pointed where to look. At first it was just a small fuzzy dot in the wide open blueness of the sky. But as the dot grew larger, it turned blaze-orange and took on the shape of a helicopter.
The drumbeat of the rotors became a loud, high-pitched whine as the chopper circled lower. On its belly we could plainly read the words COAST GUARD. A side door rolled open, and a man in a dark jumpsuit leaned out. He was wearing a white crash helmet and aiming a camera down at the water.
Taking video of our amazing fuchsia river.
We waved at the Coast Guard man, but he was too busy to wave back. The helicopter gradually began to move, following the colorful current of evidence all the way up the beach, all the way to the marina where the Coral Queenwas moored. There the chopper hovered for a long, long time.
Dusty Muleman was officially busted.
Abbey whooped and Grandpa Bobby clapped and I pumped a fist in the air. We headed home feeling hopeful and happythough Dad and Mom weren’t quite happy enough to forget about me and Abbey sneaking out the night before.
By the way, you’re both grounded,
Mom informed us in the car.
I signaled for Abbey to stay cool, but she ignored me.
Grounded for how long?
she asked indignantly.
Indefinitely,
Dad said.
Which was better than setting an exact number of days or weeks. From experience I knew that an
indefinite
grounding could be negotiated favorablyif only Abbey would quit whining.
It’s not fair,
my sister said.
In fact, it really bites.
Watch your mouth, young lady,
Mom warned.
But we just saved Thunder Beach! Don’t we get bonus points for that?
Grandpa Bobby said,
Abbey, darlin’, it won’t be so bad. Anyways, it’s probably a smart idea for you and your brother to lay low for a while.
And he was the family expert on laying low.
I waited until we got back to the house before asking my parents to delay the starting date of our grounding.
Just until tomorrow,
I said.
Please?
My father eyed me suspiciously.
Why? You’ve got big plans for this afternoon?
I need to go thank Shelly.
Me too,
said Abbey, scooting to my side.
Dad left the decision to Mom, who drilled us with one of her I’m-not-kidding stares.
You’ve got exactly one hour,
she said.
Not a minute more.
We dashed for our bikes, Abbey calling over her shoulder,
Grandpa Bobby, you’d better be here when we get back!
My mother and father honestly care about each other, but they argue about plenty of stuff. Sometimes it seems silly to me and Abbey, but other times it’s really heavy. For instance, Mom was ninety-nine percent serious about divorcing Dad if he didn’t come home from jail and get his act together. I totally understood why she felt like that, and at the same time I could see the point he was trying to make by sinking the Coral Queen.
But even when my parents are fighting, they don’t actually fight. It’s only sharp words back and forth; no fists or blunt objects.
Unfortunately, some people really get carried awayas my sister and I were reminded when we showed up at Shelly’s trailer.
She was sitting on the steps, gazing off into the distance. She wore black jeans, a gray Gap T-shirt, and a blue trucker’s cap turned backward.
In one hand was a sweaty bottle of beer, and in the other hand was a rake. Some of the tines were snapped off, and others were bent at sharp angles. It wasn’t the sort of damage caused by normal, everyday gardening.
What’s wrong?
I asked.
Love is a strange deal, I swear,
she said.
You wanna come in? It’s a awful mess, I’ll be honest.
We’ll help you clean up,
Abbey offered.
What kind of mess?
I asked.
Like nothin’ you ever saw before,
Shelly said.
Think you can handle it?
After seeing the condition of the rake, I wasn’t so sure. To stall I asked her what had happened on the Coral Queenafter I’d jumped overboard.
She laughed.
Nobody heard a thing because the band was so loud. Everybody just kept drinkin’ and gamblin’. The customers who saw you run past, they figured you belonged to one of the crew.
What about that nasty old lady who tried to break into the bathroom?
Oh, her? Free stack of chips and she was back at the blackjack table, happy as a clam,
Shelly reported.
Speaking of bathrooms, I had to make, like, seventrips before I got rid of all that purple goo. Every time I’d get settled nice and cozy, somebody’d start bangin’ on the door, sayin’ they couldn’t wait. My wrist hurts from flushin’ so much.
But our plan worked!
Abbey piped eagerly.
Did you hear the helicopter fly over? That was the Coast Guardwe saw ‘em taking video of the stain in the water.
No kidding?
Shelly looked pleased. She stood up, spinning the rake like a cheerleader’s baton.
Did Dusty say anything after the casino closed?
I asked.
Naw, he was a total basket case,
Shelly said.
There was some big fight on the docks, and Luno got his butt seriously whipped, is what I heard. One of the bouncers drove him to the hospital and then the cops showed up, asking what happened but by then Dusty’d already split. The crew didn’t know any different, so they waited until all the people were gone and pumped the holding tank straight into the basin, same as usual.
I told Shelly she’d done a great job.
Thanks for emptying that liquor crate so I had a place to hide, and for sneaking me into the ladies’ head, and most of all for risking your neck to help us out… .
Yeah, you did awesome,
said Abbey.
But what about Dusty’s secret spy at the Coast Guard station? How’d you fix it so he wasn’t around this morning when Noah called in about the Coral Queen?
Shelly propped the rake on one shoulder, like a rifle.
Come on in,
she said to us.
But, like I said, it’s not a pretty picture.
She wasn’t kidding. Inside the trailer it looked like a small bomb had explodedbroken lamps, overturned furniture, dents and holes in the fake-wood paneling.
Two rumpled men lay facedownone on the gross shag carpet, one on the gross moldy sofa. We couldn’t see their faces, so it was hard to tell if they were dead or alive. The one on the floor was sopping wet and striped green with slime from the aquarium, which lay on its side, empty and cracked.
Shelly used the rake handle to poke at the unconscious man on the sofa.
You asked about Mr. Billy Babcock? Well, here he is.
Billy Babcock made a low snuffling sound, but he didn’t move.
What’d you do to him?
Abbey asked.
Nothin’ he didn’t want done,
Shelly replied with a snort.
He spent about two hours yakkin’ at my bar last night. I figured the only way to guarantee that he wouldn’t be at work this morning was to bring him home with me and
We get the idea,
I cut in, not wanting Abbey to hear the R-rated details.
That’s cool, Noah, watchin’ out for your little sister,
Shelly said,
but don’t worryI was a perfect lady. I invited Billy over for one of my high-octane cocktails, maybe two. All we did was hold hands on the couch until he got tired of tellin’ me how gorgeous and wonderful I was. Then he keeled over and went nighty-night.
So who’s the other guy?
I pointed at the soggy heap on the floor.
You don’t recognize him?
Shelly chuckled again. Using the business end of the rake, she snagged the man’s ooze-covered shirt and rolled him onto his back. When I saw that pasty sunken face, I was completely blown away.
Well? Who is it?
my sister asked impatiently.
That’s Lice Peeking,
I said.
In person!
Shelly unhooked the rake from his shirt.
I told you, love’s a strange deal.
Is he alive?
Abbey asked.
More or less,
Shelly replied.
You guys want a Coke?
We sat at the dinette and listened to her story. It was a good one.
After my father had gone to jail and started spouting off about the Coral Queen,Dusty Muleman had gotten nervous. He’d made a list of everyone besides Dad who knew the truth about the pollution scam, and he had sent Luno to warn each person to keep quietor else. The goon hadn’t murdered Lice Peeking, as Shelly had thought, but he had scared the bodily fluids out of him.
When Luno had shown up at the trailer, Lice naturally assumed that Dusty had found out about his secret deal with Dadthe bonefish skiff in exchange for Lice’s testimony. So as soon as Luno left, Lice swiped Shelly’s Jeep and drove full speed for the mainland. True to form, he forgot to fill the gas tank. When it was empty, he simply parked the truck and took off on foot.
But what about the bloodstains on the seats?
I asked.
Shelly shook her head sheepishly.
Ketchup,
she said.
The slob was pigging out on Big Macs and fries for forty miles.
Abbey said,
Why’d he come back? Did he run out of money or something?
You’re a very sharp young lady. Yeah, he ran out of money,
Shelly said,
but that’s not why he came back to the Keys. See, he missed me. Deep down in his heart, he truly did.
I cringed when my sister asked,
How can you possibly believe that?
Because the man knew for a fact what would happen if I ever laid eyes on him again. He knew I’d whup him like the sorry, no-good jackass he isyet he came back anyway! If that ain’t true love, it’s close enough for me,
said Shelly.
The timing of Lice Peeking’s return couldn’t have been worse. It was past three in the morning when he’d flung open the trailer door, only to find his cherished Shelly reading an astrology magazine on the couchwith a snoozing Billy Babcock stretched out beside her. In a jealous fit Lice Peeking had jumped on Billy, kicking and punching and scratching.
That was when Shelly had run to the toolshed.
Being whacked with a rake seemed to work miracles on Lice Peeking’s attitudehe’d dropped to one knee, told Shelly he adored her, and blubbered he was sorry for all the rotten deeds he’d ever done.
Even promised to pay back the $186 he took, plus the towing charges for the Jeep,
Shelly said.
I’ll never see a nickel, for sure, but still it was a nice sentiment. I told Lice to quit beggin’ and get off the floor, and that’s when the fool grabbed the aquarium stand to pull himself up. Whole tank tipped over on top of him, all fifty gallons, and off to dreamland he went.