Folie à Deux (41 page)

Though all of my efforts are to think steadily, I feel washed over with a feeling of celebration. My life is a daily struggle to decipher the confusing, misleading emotions that arise from the strangest of origins but, I no longer share a delusion life with anyone else. It saddens me that Carla still lives in a world someplace between French literature and whatever fantasies she has created. I know that she is unable to help me even if she were so inclined because she seamlessly switches between an adult and child to suit her needs. But most importantly she can neither help nor harm me because I’m no longer the other half of her folie à deux.

By

Michael J. Fiore Ph.D.

Jim walked into my office three weeks after his arrest defeated and confused. He explained, “I was a teacher and I had an affair with a student.” Jim spoke those words with what seemed to be an appropriate amount of remorse, given the gravity of his offense. He further explained, “I had a long-term, sexual relationship with my own French teacher,” he explained. Jim did not use the terms, “abuse” or “molestation”. He spoke of both teacher-student relationships as though he were speaking of love.

The work that needed be done to unravel the mess that his life had become was overwhelming for him. Not only was he trying to assuage his own shame for the public embarrassment he caused, but also the loss of his marriage, fear of losing his children, alienation from the community, and the lengthy prison sentence looming over him. The treadmill of confusing and complex emotions that defined his life since childhood, that contributed to his demise only seemed to speed up at this intensely stressful time.

Jim tried to prepare himself for the isolation of prison. The anxieties that he expressed were typical of someone facing down
his type of reality. I suggested that he document his experiences in a journal to provide him an opportunity to continue processing his emotions while incarcerated.

Upon his return from prison, Jim began the truly difficult work of breaking down chronologically, the events of his life. I watched him speak candidly and honestly about the multitude of confusing, contradictory lies he was fed to groom him as a man-child. I asked the questions that allowed him to search his own feelings, to find his own answers. Never did he shy from a difficult topic. He dug deeply to root out the true cause of his feelings, not always the explanations present at the onset were the most accurate.

What is considered to be the worst traumatic effect of sexual abuse is the keeping of secrets. Jim struggled most tumultuously with how to amend his relationship between secrecy and privacy. Immediately, upon admitting that he kept secrets from me too, he set out to explore the reasons why his subconscious fears compelled him to live a double life. Only through time and difficult choices did he dissect every relationship in his life to determine what transferences and projections were the impetus to resist integration. At a particularly low point in his healing the possibility of writing to facilitate his progress was mentioned. This project, this memoir that you hold in your hand, was begun as a vehicle to make sense of the roller coaster ride that he experienced. Good days were neither an indication nor an omen of a bad one to follow. Jim set out to channel the feelings of a bad day into something positive on the page. His objective was, from the beginning, to hand his story to the people most important to him so that they could understand the reason for his breakdown. He spoke about providing this for his children to read when they
were old enough to do so, hoping it may help ease the pain of their father losing everything and betraying their mother.

As the writing process endured, Jim shared with me the fruits of his introspection and I recalled our correspondence while he was incarcerated. I suggested to him the possibility of seeking publication for his manuscript because I noticed real talent in his writing. His concerns were obvious and understandable given the personal and delicate nature of his story. He was most concerned about re-victimizing his victim and again, causing his family embarrassment.

The road from idea to manuscript has been arduous and I can assure you, not one taken lightly. Just as no question was avoided in Jim’s initial quest for harmony, no topic was left unaddressed when considering the possible outcomes of publication. The transformation from sexual abuse victim to survivor is never easy, often the pain that results from unraveling ones past rivals that of the offense itself.

I’ve watched Jim process his life in conjunction with the person he wished to become instead of the one dictated to him; the one he created to cope with his terrible past. However, he never sought to blame others for his action, only to find causes and serenity within himself.

Jim’s story should evoke a range of emotions across a broad spectrum. Although his experiences may seem unique, is he that much different from anyone else? Incapable of being quantified into neither black nor white, acting out the scripts written in childhood over and over again?

Feel every emotion that surfaces while you read Jim’s story. What lies herein is the truth, absorbing in its honesty, absent prurient value, and void of justification. He painstakingly leaves its validity to be seen as naked and raw as he has lived it.
Upon realizing that he cannot leave his past behind, Jim choose to bring it forward, no matter how painful. I leave you with the assurance that every reason for telling and not telling this story has been carefully considered in our sessions by this accidental author.