“Since Dylan died, when I tried to sit down and write a song, I couldn’t. Music has always helped me deal with life and now it’s like that part of me is dead, too,” he confessed like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I got a sense I was the first to have heard about this.
“And whatever I try to do…” He looked distractedly down at his hands. “I can’t seem to get it back,” he whispered almost to himself.
The unexpected confession left us both silent.
“Tragic story, right?” he said sarcastically in an effort to lift the mood.
“So people think that you’re cynical when you’re really…” I drifted off.
“Maybe this honest policy isn’t what is best for either of
us
,” he warned. He looked noticeably uncomfortable, like he regretted his confession.
“This isn’t something I would share with anyone else,” I hissed, upset that he would think so little of me.
“O-kay,” he muttered. “Another one of your promises that you won’t keep?”
Throwing my hand up in the air, I snipped, “It was all a misunderstanding. Why can’t you understand that?”
“Oh, god, not this again,” he groaned while rolling his eyes.
“Whatever,” I said, leaning back in the seat to a have a full sulking fit. “I can tell that I’m not
ever
going to be able to convince you.” I huffed. “God, you’re so stubborn.”
“
I’m
the stubborn one?” He laughed, but I could tell he was more amused than upset by the accusation.
“Fine, since we’re trusting each other now, why the rules?” He continued to probe me with question after question, but I wasn’t sure if being honest was in our best interests either.
“It was a good idea to set Lizzie straight at the beginning of the tour. Just to let her know I wasn’t going to be tagging along,” I lied. “It was really only meant for her to hear. Who knew she would blurt them out to you.”
“Ohh, I see,” he hummed. “I thought that we were being honest with each other?”
“Are we or aren’t we?” I said with an edge. “Who can keep up?”
“You’re not going to give me a straight answer, are you?” He smiled knowingly at me.
“No, probably not,” I confessed as a small smile escaped. “Besides I thought that I was going to be the one asking questions?”
“What do you want to know?” he asked coyly.
“Why are you so fascinated with me anyway? There is no way I’m the first person to call you arrogant,” I said with a hundred percent certainty.
“No, you’re not the
first
,” he stressed. “But the last person who told me to get my shit together, in so many words, ended up dead because I didn’t take the keys from him when I knew that he had had too much to drink.”
Speechless, I realized that he meant his brother.
“Everyone
else
just smiles to my face.” He frowned.
For the first time, Hawkins had shut me up.
“Are you sure that you really want to ask me questions?” he asked brightly. “I’m not exactly known for being optimistic, but you already knew that, right?” His eyes twinkled from across the table. “
So
,” before I could comment, he changed the subject, “why do you hang out with Lizzie?”
Staring at him surprisingly, I murmured, “I like her.”
“You like
her
?” he reiterated.
Feeling exasperated, I looked away from him before my eyes, flicked back, “My parents are friends with her parents.”
“Wow, now I find myself saying it.” He flashed a smile that grew wider with each second. “I’m so sorry.”
We both laughed, releasing the tension of the previous conversation.
“So what’s Warren like?” I asked on a whim.
“A genuinely good guy,” he answered.
“What’s Riley like?” The smile disappeared from his face.
“He’s my best friend.”
“Your best friend, huh?” He suddenly narrowed his eyes suspiciously. The look reminded me of last night when he had misunderstood my need to find Riley so I decided to set him straight.
“Yes, I was the first person he came out to,” I added for his benefit.
“Huh, oh right.” He gave a curt nod then tried to hide a smile by taking a sip of his drink.
“He’d like to meet Rob Harlow,” I blurted out absentmindedly.
“Rob is gay?!” he sputtered.
“No!” I quickly intervened. “Riley just respects and admires his work.”
“Is that what you say about me when you’re lying?” he asked coyly. “That you respect and admire my work?”
“No, I just tell them that you’re arrogant and smug, remember?”
“Ha, nice.” He smiled.
“Well, it’s getting late.” I noticed with a glance over at a nearby window.
“Yes, of course, we’ve got to get you back to that parking lot, right away.” He pointed at me. His face was mockingly serious before he caved and laughed.
“Three of us live out of a van while you live out of a luxurious tour bus. That one cracks me up every time, too,” I said sarcastically while scooting out of the booth.
Hawkins slid out from his seat in one quick motion, landing on his feet in front of me in seconds. The closeness had him towering over me in the little walkway. We were so close I could feel the heat radiating from his body. Moving to the right at the same time he went to his left, landed us in the same spot. We both laughed. He wrapped his big hands around my shoulders making me feel like a little kid next to him.
“I’m going to go to my left,” he whispered. “And you’re going to go to
your
left.”
“Unless you don’t want to, that is.” His gaze drifted down my lips and flicked back up to meet my eyes. “I’m not going to stop you, if you want to keep running into me like this,” he whispered suggestively.
“Le-left it is,” I stammered like an idiot, and I could tell he didn’t care for my answer since it would take me down the aisle and away from him.
Our bodies were almost touching when he leaned in to whisper in my ear, “You know you’re frustrating, right?”
“Really?”
“Yes, really,” he insisted as the corner of his mouth lifted up.
“So, I guess we should try this again.” He gestured down to the walkway. “Remember, go to your left.”
“I think I got it.” I smiled.
“On the count of three,” he continued, “One…two…three.”
Thinking we had this down, I went to my left, but he quickly went to his right causing me to plow right into him. He caught me, and our bodies pressed against each other for a brief moment.
“I thought you were going to go to your left?” I whispered breathlessly.
“And you trusted me?” He looked down at my lips. “With my past actions, I would’ve thought you would have been prepared.”
“So you agree?” I murmured.
“I agree?” He leaned into me while tangling his fingers in my hair.
“It’s good to know that you can finally admit it was
you
that started this game,” I whispered.
He stopped to stare over my shoulder in a delayed reaction. His face scrunched up skeptically before he dropped his mouth open to argue.
“I appreciate the confession.” I fought back a smile. “Maybe you’ll sleep better at night now?”
As I went to walk past him, he grabbed the back of my elbow and pulled me right back into the tight space between us. “Oh no, you don’t,” he grumbled while the muscle in his jaw twitched. “I didn’t start
anything
.”
“So your first words to me weren’t that you prefer blondes,” I reminded him of the night in the elevator.
“Joie,” he said with his lips hovering over mine.
“What?” I felt my heart flutter.
“Shut up,” he muttered and then he kissed me.
9. THE RULES
Bam!
Lizzie slammed the door as she entered the room, waking me up. She hopped on my bed and the impact roughly tossed me up in the air and back onto the bed.
“So where were
you
last night?” she asked me as I recoiled from her and pulled the pillow over my head.
“Hello under there?!” She wrenched the pillow off my head.
“Good morning to you, too,” I croaked while slowly waking up from my comatose state. The shower was running in the next room and I assumed it was Riley.
“I’m waiting for an explanation,” she said impatiently as I sat up. “All this talk about how I am going to be Hawkins’ muse, but I have yet to see him long enough to play the part.”
“Don’t worry, your fifteen minutes of fame isn’t up,” I growled while rubbing my eyes. The bathroom door opened and Riley came out with a towel wrapped around his waist. The fresh scent of his cologne filled the room.
“Did she tell you anything?” She eyed him suspiciously.
“No,” Riley replied. He walked over to his duffle bag and began to get dressed.
“Most of my night was spent waiting for the authorities,” I complained. “Apparently, I’m the only one who can remember Cyrus.” I glared at her. “So sorry, that
you
didn’t have a good time last night,” I said sarcastically as I headed over to the sink and brushed my teeth.
Lizzie came over to the opened door and crossed her arms. “So why is there a couple of dark tinted window SUVs outside protecting the hotel?”
“What?” I asked in the midst of brushing.
“Wayne is even out there,” she huffed.
“Warren, hello?”
“No, nice try,” she said with a fierce look. “Warren was just as surprised as I was to see that security was surrounding the hotel.”
Shrugging, I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know why they were there either.
“If they were there for Warren, then they should have been outside his hotel where I was staying not at
yours
.”
Hawkins had put security around my hotel?
“Are you sure it was security from the band?” I checked with her. “And not just a couple SUVs parked around the hotel?”
“Oh, god,” Lizzie groaned. “What’s up with this hush, hush thing between Hawkins and you?”
“What are you talking about?” I questioned as though I didn’t have a clue.
“Ah, huh.” She rolled her eyes.
Too bad today wasn’t a driving day. The band had two nights planned for Atlanta on the tour. I really just wanted to keep my mind preoccupied by driving rather than be bombarded with questions about what happened and what didn’t happen with Hawkins last night. Pretty much, I wasn’t sure myself? I didn’t know how to make sense of it, so in an effort to avoid any more conversations about Hawkins I was determined to get out of the hotel.
After I got ready, which included me reminding Riley to have the hotel wash our clothes; I turned the black t-shirt with Hawkins face across it inside out and put the damn thing on. Lizzie looked down at my shirt and scrunched up her face in disgust.
“Didn’t this used to be a phase or something? Wearing your clothes inside out?” I ripped the tag off from the back.
“Yeah, but now the only people who do it are homeless,” she jabbed.
“We’re living out of a van,” I reminded her. “I don’t think we have room to judge. So who wants to go to The Underground Mall?”
“I still have a review to write,” Riley explained, apparently tuning us out by immersing himself in his work again.
“Lizzie?”
“Please, I’d rather spend the day with Warren.” She said it like it was the most unappealing prospect ever.
“When you were with Ryan, you never wanted to be apart.”
“What does this have to do with Ryan?” she snapped.
“Maybe because you’re still in love with him,” I pointed out.
“Ryan’s not going anywhere,” she said dismissively but the troubled expression on her face gave away her true feelings.
“Is that really all that matters?” I asked her earnestly.
“Easy for you to say,” she laughed, “with your secret rendezvous at night with Hawkins.”
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes. “I’ll be back before the concert.”
Making sure I heard the click of the hotel door, I walked down the hallway to the silver elevators. As I waited for the doors to open, I thought about the unnerving, frustrating effect Hawkins had over me. What was he doing with me? Playing games just because he could? This had nothing to do with his record company, that much I was sure of. Though, a piece of me wondered if maybe he just wanted to see me. The elevator doors dinged open and I got in. Pushing the button for the garage, I rested my back against the cool wall of the elevator. Though I knew half the infuriating part was that I would put myself through this night after night just to see him, too. And the kiss…the hungry passionate kiss only made everything so much more confusing. My heart was changing no matter how hard my brain was trying to stop it.
The doors sprung back open to the darkened parking lot. Still thinking about Hawkins, I walked towards the van. I hoped that I could find The Underground Mall in such a busy city. Getting my keys out, I looked up and came to a sudden halt. The air caught in my throat with the realization that someone was behind the steering wheel of a black Escalade parked right beside the van. Oh, my god, Cyrus was waiting for me!
Backpedaling quickly, I tripped over my feet and fell down hard on my butt. Wincing in pain from my tailbone hitting the pavement, I quickly bolted back up and ran over to the elevator. My heart was racing inside of my chest as I jammed the elevator button again and again, thinking, damn, I just left it. It should still be here. Darting a look over my shoulder, I waited in panic, but something was off. No one was trying to chase after or attack me.