For Our Son: A BWWM Parenting Romance For Adults (15 page)

Grace rubbed her temples. A headache was on the horizon. "I don’t
know. I just…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lash out at you. I just feel so
guilty.
Don’t you?"

Ryan shrugged. "I do feel guilty, but probably not about the same
thing you feel guilty about. What
do
you feel guilty about?"

"I feel guilty about ruining your relationship and hurting another
woman,” Grace answered. If she said it enough times, out loud, she might begin
to believe it herself. It gave her hope, that if she were repentant, maybe the
repercussions wouldn’t be quite so stiff.

To Ryan, Grace’s answer was very telling. Ryan had come to the lunch
wondering if he and Grace would revive their relationship. He thought they’d
had a connection in San Francisco, more than just a physical one. But now, as Grace
sat before him saying she was sad over the demise of his relationship with
another woman, Ryan wondered if he and Grace had had two different reactions to
what had occurred.

"What do you feel guilty about?" Grace asked.

"I feel guilty about not feeling guilty." Ryan nodded to
affirm his statement.

Grace sat back in her chair. "You don’t feel guilty? At all?"

"Grace, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve never cheated before and
I never thought I would, but it happened. I’m not going to sit here and
apologize to you for it."

"I’m not asking you to."

"Well, good. Because I thought…I mean, it only happened because it
was you."

Grace wrung her hands in her lap. She had wanted to ask Ryan so badly
where she stood with him, but she didn’t know in which order to state things.
Should she tell him about the possible pregnancy and then ask how he felt, or
should she ask first and
then
tell him?

When Grace remained silent, Ryan continued. "Sophia and I…we were
so far from right we were left. I think we both knew it. We just had different
ways of dealing with it. She was trying to change me into what she wanted me to
be and I was trying to ignore who I was to make it work. Even if we’d never
gone to California, the relationship would have ended,” Ryan concluded.

Grace decided to level with Ryan about how she felt. "I never
thought we’d talk again. And then when we started talking, I kept telling
myself that I couldn’t possibly still have feelings for you, but then, being
around you and talking to you…it was like…"

"Coming home?"

Grace nodded. Ryan knew exactly how she felt. He placed his hand atop
hers. "I don’t want what happened that night to be the end of things with
us."

"I don’t want that either."

Ryan’s facial features relaxed. "Things might be rocky for a little
while. I think we should just try to take things one day at a time."

Grace nodded. She looked down at her lap and then back at Ryan. "Ryan,
I think I might be pregnant."

Everyone turned to
look as Ryan’s water glass made a loud crash as it hit the pavement and
splintered into thousands of pieces.

Chapter eighteen

"Do you have anything to tell me?" Ryan had phoned Grace for
the fourth straight day in a row. He was sitting at his desk at work so it was
important to be vague.

"No." Grace sighed. "I told you, I’m not late. Not until
tomorrow. If I don’t get my period by tomorrow then you can officially start to
worry."

"Ha! You think I’m going to wait until then? I’ve already started
worrying. Haven’t you?"

"A little." Grace downplayed her emotions. "But worrying
could also make me late."

"Oh. Okay, so don’t worry." Ryan shuffled through some
paperwork on his desk in an attempt to look busy. "Um, I’m unpacking
tomorrow but if you want to stop by…maybe take the test at my place? If you
need to. You may not need to, right?"

Grace could hear the false hope in Ryan’s voice. "Right,” she agreed
anyway.

Grace fought the urge to acknowledge the headache that was making it’s
way from her temples to her forehead. She remembered how bad her headaches were
in high school when she’d gotten pregnant. She hoped and prayed that this
wasn’t an early indication of what was to come.

Grace put all of her mental anguish aside and made her way to the art
museum. She was applying for a summer job as an art docent. She didn’t want to
appear frazzled as she handed in her application and made an appointment for an
interview.

After her application was turned in, Grace set off to meet Morgan across
town at a discount warehouse Morgan had found. Apparently they had wonderful
"apartment" items that were really inexpensive.

Morgan had gone on with her plan of business as usual until she was alerted
of otherwise. Both girls had filled out their applications and had their
parents co-sign for their apartment. They were holding on to them with plans of
turning them in on Monday if things went well over the weekend. Morgan
encouraged Grace not to even think about the possible pregnancy, but to focus
on the here and now instead.

By the time Grace made it to the warehouse, Morgan had already been
shopping for over an hour.

"Look at all this cool stuff I found." Morgan held up a set of
Chinese lanterns and a door curtain made of beads.

"Nice,” Grace said unconvincingly. "I hope those are for
your
room."

"Of course." Morgan smiled. "But they have some really
cool kitchen stuff. We should decide on a theme for the kitchen. I was thinking
cows."

"Yeah, because that’s exactly the animal I want to be reminded of every
time I open the fridge,” Grace stated sarcastically.

"Okay, well how about roosters?"

"How about no animals? I’d feel guilty every time I ate a ham or
chicken sandwich."

"Okay, Ryan is really rubbing off on you,” Morgan pointed out as
she walked away from Grace.

"What are you talking about?" Grace followed after her.

"Jokes. You never used to tell jokes. Now you’re full of
them."

"It’s not jokes. It’s sarcasm. There’s a difference."

Morgan rolled her eyes. She knew Grace didn’t want to admit to the
constant presence Ryan suddenly held in her life. Every time Morgan turned
around, Grace was on the phone with him.

"It’s kind of extenuating circumstances." Grace defended
herself. "He’s as anxious to know about…you know…as I am."

"I’ll bet you one month’s rent that he doesn’t stop calling even
after you find out about the pregnancy." Morgan fingered a set of bathroom
towels.

"Well of course he’s not going to stop calling if I am."

"And if you’re not?"

"This is a ridiculous conversation. Why are we even having
it?" Grace walked over to a display of stainless steel bowls even though
she had no desire to purchase them.

As they continued shopping, Grace marveled at how low the prices were.
Some of the boxes may have been slightly banged up, but most of the merchandise
was in perfect condition. When Grace asked a sales clerk about the prices, she
was informed that the items were either damaged or lost freight, overstock, or
discontinued items.

"It doesn’t seem fair that they sell stuff some company lost in the
mail,” Grace complained.

"Their loss is our gain." Morgan smiled. "Besides, what
should they do with it? Throw it away?"

Grace shrugged. She was about to suggest they call it a day when she saw
a bin of pregnancy tests for only one dollar.

"Are you going to buy one?" Morgan came and stood beside her.

"I’m thinking of buying two…or three,” Grace said. "Just in
case."

Morgan felt sorry for Grace at that moment. Here she was going on and on
about how wonderful their new apartment was going to be and Grace was
struggling with a life-altering event.

"Have I been insensitive?" Morgan asked. "I was just
trying to take your mind off the baby so you wouldn’t worry."

"I know." Grace nodded. "It’s not working, but I know
your intentions were good." Grace patted Morgan softly on the back.

"Come on. I’ll buy you a falafel." Morgan smiled. The two girls
made their purchases and walked out of the store.

Grace had always heard that mothers could tell when their daughters were
pregnant. Although that hadn’t been the case the first time, Grace made an
effort to steer clear of her mother. She took a walk, cleaned her room, did her
laundry, washed her hair, and she was just about to go wash her car when the
phone rang. It was Ryan.

Again.

"Are you going crazy?" he asked her.

"Yes!" Grace answered with emphasis.

"Me too. Do you want to come by? It’s no fun going crazy alone,” Ryan
invited.

"Sure. Should I get dinner?"

"Nah, that’s all right. I’ll take care of it. Pizza okay with
you?"

"Fine by me."

Suddenly Grace didn’t feel so afraid anymore. Worried, yes, but not
afraid. As she gathered up her purse in preparation to leave for Ryan’s house,
her eyes fell upon the bag that held her pregnancy tests. She quickly shoved
one test inside her purse and hid the other two behind her dresser.

When she arrived at Ryan’s apartment, his front door was open and there
was loud hip hop music blaring from his stereo.

"Hello?" Grace called over the sound. Ryan didn’t hear her though
and when he came from the back of the apartment carrying garbage bags, he
jumped when he saw her. Immediately he turned the music down.

"Hey. Sorry about that." He pointed to the stereo.

"I’m sure your neighbors would like an apology too." Grace
pointed to the ceiling towards Ryan’s upstairs neighbors.

"Oh, no one lives up there. And the people across the hall blast
their music all the time." Ryan excused himself. "I’ll be right
back."

While Ryan was taking out the trash, Grace looked around at his meager
surroundings. He had a couch, a chair, a television and a stereo in the front
room. There was a small dining table with two chairs in the alcove just off the
kitchen. And down the hall Grace assumed was Ryan’s bedroom and bathroom. It
was small but perfect for one person.

"Pizza’s here,” Ryan announced. He had intercepted the deliveryman
at the end of his walkway.

"Great. I’m starving,” Grace said.

Ryan looked over at her. He didn’t say anything but he wondered if that
alone meant she was pregnant. Weren’t pregnant women always hungry?

"What’d you eat today?" he asked from the kitchen where he was
washing his hands.

"A falafel,” Grace answered.

Ryan took comfort in the fact that she hadn’t eaten much. He handed her
a paper plate with two slices of pizza. "Sorry. Haven’t unpacked my fine
china yet,” he joked.

"This is fine." Grace took a seat at the small table. Ryan sat
down across from her even though he didn’t remember the last time he’d eaten a
meal at a table. He usually sat in the living room in front of the television.

"So, how are you feeling?" Ryan asked.

Grace shook her head. "I don’t feel any different…except for a few
headaches, but I always get headaches."