Leah didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t utter a sound, but her tears did the talking as she wept. She covered her face with her hands, trying to hide her emotional breakdown from Alex, but he wouldn’t let her. He crouched down before her and gently pulled her hands aside. He kissed each of her fingers before he kissed her tears away.
“I make you cry too often,” he lamented. “Once upon a time I used to make you smile. I don’t know why I can’t do that anymore.”
The truth was, they both knew why, but she wouldn’t ruin this moment reminding him of the drug he chose over her. “Right now, these are happy tears. I thought you had forgotten about today. I thought you didn’t care. I didn’t expect this.”
Alex released her hair from her ponytail and ran his fingers gently through it, massaging her scalp. “As messed up as I am, I love you, Leah. My love for you is the only thing in my life that’s real anymore. Please never doubt that. Everything that matters to you matters to me. I wouldn’t forget about your special day. I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. You made it. You are making your dreams come true, just like I knew you would. You are so amazing, so strong. I am in awe of you, my Leah.”
He pressed his lips to hers. This kiss quickly turned heated as his hands traced her hips and her waist. Leah clutched his shirt, pulling him impossibly closer to her. She started to lay back on the couch, bringing him with her, until her stomach chose this inopportune time to growl loudly, breaking the mood.
Alex laughed as he disentangled himself from Leah’s grip. “I think someone needs to eat lunch. The way your stomach growled, I was starting to think you might eat me.”
“That’s not such a bad idea,” Leah teased as she reached for him again.
Alex stepped out of her reach. “No dessert before lunch.”
“How about dessert first if I promise to eat all my lunch after?”
Leah licked her lips, and she could see the desire in Alex’s eyes. She relished the fact that after all these years together, he still desired her as much as she craved him.
“You need your energy for what I have in mind.” Alex grabbed her plate of food. “Knowing you, I bet you haven’t eaten all day.”
Leah reluctantly surrendered. “You’re right. I ran out the house without breakfast and now I’m starving.” Leah’s body was aching for some nourishment, although she was just as hungry for Alex. First she would eat her lunch and enjoy her dessert in bed with him.
Leah reached for the food that smelled so tantalizingly good. Alex was an excellent cook. It was a gift. He had no formal training, but he could make something delicious out of the barest of ingredients. As good as this food was, she wanted the chef even more.
“Stop looking at me like that, Leah,” Alex scolded her. “Lunch first, dessert all afternoon.”
His promise sent shivers throughout Leah’s body. She ate so fast she nearly choked on her fettuccini, but she didn’t want to lose this moment. It was so rare for him to be like this—like his normal, sober self. She knew the cravings would overtake him soon and he would seek his comfort elsewhere, but for now he was hers and she was not going to let him go.
She missed these moments. These were the rare times he reminded her of the boy she had fallen in love with when she was three years old. She met him her first day of nursery school. She was so scared to go to school. She hadn’t been around a lot of kids and she didn’t know what to expect, but her mother definitely wanted her out the house. She was ruining her freedom, so school was the only option for her.
Her mother had dragged her out the car and clutched Leah’s hand as she had pulled her inside the school. Leah was so shy and awkward. She hadn’t known how to deal with all those strange faces looking at her. Then she’d caught the eye of one face that immediately erased all the fear and forever changed her life.
He was sitting in the corner playing with some blocks, and instantly all the fear she felt turned into relief. She felt safe. She pulled away from her mother and walked towards those mesmerizing Mediterranean-blue eyes. She didn’t even notice her mother leave. She was a moth to a flame, entranced by the light emanating from the little boy who smiled at her as if she were the most special girl in the world.
When she reached him, she just stood there like a statue. He stood up and told her his name was Alex. He asked Leah her name twice before she finally found her voice again and responded. He said her name slowly a few times until he could pronounce it perfectly. Once he got it, he showed Leah where to put her little bag in the cubby with his, and then he handed her some blocks and they stacked them on top of each other until they fell down. They built it again and again until the teacher told them it was nap time. They laid down next to each other and at that moment Leah had realized she would never forget this boy with kind eyes and a warm, gentle smile.
Even though she had just been three and most of her memories from this age had been erased with time, she would never forget the face of that four-year-old boy, as he was permanently etched in her soul. He would always be a part of her and, for eighteen years, good and bad, he’d been her constant.
She loved him even more now, which was why this addiction hurt so deeply. It was pulling him away from her, away from each other. She knew in time this could only end in one tragic way. She would end up burying Alex and burying her heart with him.
She didn’t want to think of that now. She just wanted to live in the present. At this moment, he was her Alex. The drug wasn’t in control.
He hadn’t even finished half his food, but Leah was too impatient to wait. She grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bedroom. They both laughed at her unabashed enthusiasm.
“I never made love to a college grad before,” he teased.
Leah tried to smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She couldn’t help but wonder if in one of his dark moments, he’d taken comfort in the arms of another woman. When she refused to give him money to waste on drugs, did he barter his beauty for it?
As always, he knew exactly what was on her mind. “Only you, Leah. I’ve never touched another and I never will. You were my first and you will be my last.”
Leah wanted desperately to believe him, but she knew as much as he meant those words now, they would mean nothing when the craving controlled him.
His words were true for her, though. He was her first and he would be her last. She couldn’t imagine touching anyone else or being touched by anyone else. It was his hands she craved. His body she needed.
No more worrying about tomorrow. Leah was determined to enjoy this time with him. “Since this is your first time with a college grad, should I leave on my cap and gown?”
Alex shook his head. “No. I want to see all of you. Every ounce of your perfect skin.”
Leah slowly removed her gown before slipping out of the sundress she wore underneath. She taunted Alex as he watched her with brazen desire. “When you look at me like that, I feel stunning even though compared to you I look rather ordinary.”
“You always look extraordinary. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You would know that there is no one more beautiful.”
Leah blushed. “I think it’s time for a new eye exam. You finally need glasses.”
“I see perfectly. I see that right now, you still have too much clothing on that perfect body. Take it off Leah. All of it,” he demanded, igniting a passion in Leah only he could inflame.
Alex had seen her naked countless times, but she still felt shy around him and somewhat insecure about her figure. She wasn’t as voluptuous as some women, but her body always seemed to mold perfectly to his and he never complained about any aspect of her. Feeling a renewed confidence, she stood there shamelessly naked in front of him.
He slowly walked over to her, removing his t-shirt and unveiling his sexy chest. It was no longer as sculpted as it had been when he played football in middle school, but he was still magnificent. He unbuttoned his jeans and slid them down, but in his haste to reach Leah he tripped over them and knocked them both to the bed. He landed with a thump on top of her.
“That was not exactly the sexy act I was going for. Sorry about that. I feel like an overeager teenager about to have my first time.”
Every time was like the first time for us, Leah thought. It was always special. The real first time was nearly six years ago on her birthday. She had turned fifteen and Alex was sixteen. He surprised her with a trip to Atlantic City. Using one of his many fake IDs, he booked a room at Resorts Casino. Leah had been reluctant to go because she knew he really could not afford this, but she didn’t want to disappoint him. He was so happy to be able to give her this gift so she could not refuse it, refuse him.
She lied to her parents and pretended she was spending the weekend at her friend Gloria’s house. Her parents did not seem concerned, but rather relieved to have Leah out of the house. They never questioned her about her plans.
Leah and Alex hopped on a bus from their town of Lincroft and travelled to Atlantic City. They walked along the boardwalk hand in hand. Alex bought Leah her favorite carnival food, a funnel cake, and he won her a couple of large stuffed animals by winning the water balloon game. The two of them faced off in several games of whack-a-mole, and Leah came out the winner. It had been such a perfect day.
After dinner, they went back to the hotel. The room had double beds, but Leah had no intention of sleeping alone that night. They had been making out for years, but had always stopped before they went too far. That day, however, they both wanted and needed more.
Alex had insisted that he hadn’t brought her there to seduce her. Leah assured him that she wanted nothing more than to seduce him. They made love that night. They were so young and had little clue about what to do, but once they figured it out, they quickly mastered the art. They spent all night in each other’s arms enjoying their newfound closeness.
Leah had never felt so complete or alive. She felt like she was home and, despite all of their problems throughout the years, that feeling never changed.
“Are you sure you want this?” Alex asked as he looked down upon her with a grim expression on his face. “After last night, I would understand if you didn’t want this.”
After last night, Leah didn’t expect to want this again, but she wouldn’t tell him that. Besides, right now, she wanted nothing more. Alex looked so stern and serious, like he was expecting her rejection and bracing himself for her stinging words.
There would be no rejection tonight. “I can tell you want this,” Leah said as she reached down and grasped his hardness.
His features softened as he smiled. “I always want this.” He kissed Leah, erasing all doubts as they made love. Yesterday was forgotten, at least for now.
An hour later they ended up in the tub bathing each other and making love. This was much different from the previous night when she bathed him after a drug binge. Today, they washed and loved each other.
Leah had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach that this time of bliss was coming to an end. She could sense Alex was starting to withdraw from her, or rather withdraw from the drugs. His body was trembling ever so slightly, but she could feel the difference in him as his tension heightened. Cravings. They were getting stronger as each minute passed.
She held onto him even tighter, pulling him into the shelter of her body as she wrapped her legs and arms around him. Too afraid to let go, but knowing she couldn’t hold onto him forever.
“I wish I deserved you, Leah. I wish I was less selfish so I could let you go and you could have a man worthy of your love. I hate hurting you, but I don’t know how to stop.”
Leah rested her head in the crook of his neck; her tears mixing with the water that slid down his back. “Choose me over the drugs. Choose me. Choose us. You can get help for this. You can beat this, but you have to fight. Stop letting the drugs win.” Leah had uttered those words so many times, but the results never changed.
“I need them, Leah. They take the pain away.” His words so resigned, so accepting of his fate.
“No they don’t, Alex. They dull it temporarily, but the pain is still there and until you face the demons that haunt you, they always will be there. Heroin won’t save you.”
“Will you save me?”
She desperately wanted to, but it had taken her years to realize she couldn’t. “Only you can save you, but I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”
They sat quietly soaking in the tub for another fifteen minutes when Alex broke the silence with a promise. “I’ll quit. I’m done with that stuff, Leah. I’m done forever.”
She wanted to believe him, but she’d heard those words too many times before. No one can just quit heroin, and he didn’t have the strength to quit on his own. He thought he could, but Leah knew he couldn’t. Heroin would call out to him and he would answer every time no matter what promises he made. That was a temptation he could not resist.
Leah begged him repeatedly to go to rehab, but he refused. In his mind, rehab was a form of prison and he couldn’t accept the confinement. He tried to heal on his own so many times, but it never lasted beyond the first pangs of withdrawal. The pain was severe. Heroin addiction was brutal and the recovery was a long, seemingly endless journey. He would be better off in a controlled environment where he could wean himself from the drug. But no, he would rather go cold turkey and fight this battle alone.
There was no point in forcing the issue and having the same argument again. At least not today. It had been so long since they had such a serene and relaxing day together. Leah was not going to waste a moment of it arguing about the inevitable.
They soaked in the tub until they turned into prunes and then they returned to bed, where they made love again. Leah fell asleep nestled in his arms, feeling a peacefulness she had not felt in years, but she awoke to a familiar emptiness as she reached for Alex in the middle of the night only to touch the coolness of his sheets where he no longer slept beside her.
Her heart sank with realization even though she went through the motions of putting on a shirt and looking for him in the bathroom and then the living room and kitchen. She knew he was gone. Heroin called again, and like a hapless servant he responded to his master’s call.