For the Save (Playing for Keeps #4) (17 page)

“Yeah.” I forced my head to bob up and down, but I knew I was lying.

The truth was that after tonight, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be okay again.

Sawyer

It was the first time we’d been alone in weeks. Ever since the incident at Felix’s, my parents hadn’t stopped hovering. It was like they were afraid I’d die apart from their presence. But my body was healing, the bruises were fading, my wrist was almost completely better, and I was getting stronger. So today my dad was at work, Mom was out running errands, and I could finally breathe.

Addie had been here every day to check on me. However, her constant presence I didn’t mind one bit. In fact, it’s safe to say I looked forward to it. It was the one silver lining to what happened, and it had given her a chance to get to know my parents. At first they were skeptical about her purple hair and piercings, but she quickly won them over.

“Here.” Addie scooted in close to me, pressing her cheek to mine. Her behavior surprised me momentarily until I noticed the cell phone in her hand pointed toward us. “I need to get a picture of the two of us to put in my new room.” The Wests had sold their house and now lived in the rental. Addie had spent the last couple of weeks decorating her new digs. Gone was all the pink lace and pictures of her former friends. It was like she was trying to find herself one decorative item at a time. I was glad that she had chosen me to be part of that process.

We both smiled, and she clicked the picture. Then she quickly backed away from me. I tried not to feel slighted by it, but I did. Addie had barely touched me since that night at Felix’s. In fact, we’d only kissed a couple of times, and it had been awkward and stiff. Nothing like it had been before. I worried about the effect that night had on her.

And I worried what it meant for us.

“Let me see the picture.” I moved closer to her, snatching the phone out of her hands. When I did, our fingers brushed. She flinched, and a tiny squeal escaped her mouth.

“I’m sorry.” A guilty look blanketed her face. “Y-you startled me.”

“Addie.” Dropping her phone, I reached out and touched her face. She swallowed hard, her expression one of discomfort. I hated that this was what my touch did to her now. “We need to talk about what happened.”

“What happened when?” Her eyelids fluttered, her gaze darting nervously around.

“You know when,” I said, exasperated. She’d avoided this topic with me every time I tried to bring it up, but we needed to discuss it. “We need to talk about what Felix did to you.”

Shaking her head, she stood. The springs on my bed creaked with the motion. “He didn’t do anything.” Hugging herself she turned away from me, staring out my bedroom window. “I mean, he planned to, but he didn’t.”

Sighing, I got up and moved toward her. “He may not have done all he wanted to, but he did touch you.” I placed my hands on her shoulders. My wrist was still a little swollen, but I was grateful I didn’t have to wear the splint anymore.

She shook my hands away and put some distance between us. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Pasting on a fake smile, she faced me. “Can I grab you something from the kitchen? Water? Soda?”

“Addie.” I bridged the gap between us. Her gaze lowered. “Addie, look at me.”

Reluctantly, her head slowly bobbed up. Our eyes met. The old walls were back up, and it cut to my heart. “What do you want from me, Sawyer?” It reminded me of the old Addison. Of the girl she’d been when I first met her at group therapy.

“I want you to be honest with me. I want you to tell me what you’re feeling,” I said, searching her eyes. “I know he hurt you. I was there. God, Addie, I had to watch. You think those images don’t play in my mind all damn day?”

Her lips trembled, tears filling her eyes. “I’m sorry, okay,” she lashed out. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. I never should’ve brought you into it.”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m glad you did. I’d never forgive myself if I hadn’t shown up when I did.” Slowly, I reached out and touched her arms. She stiffened, but didn’t pull away. “I’m saying that if I can’t get it out of my head, I’m sure you can’t either.”

Biting her lip, she looked away.

“Talk to me, please. I feel like I’m losing you. If I’m not, you gotta give me something.”

This caught her attention. Her eyes crashed into mine. “You’re not losing me, Sawyer,” she whispered.

I slid my hands up her arms, touching every inch of flesh. When she tried to pull back, I circled my hands around her upper arms, holding her in place.

“I’m not him,” I spoke firmly.

“I know,” she said.

“I’m never going to force you to do something you don’t want to do. You know that, right?”

She nodded.

“Then stop running from me,” I pleaded. “You’ve been doing that from the day we met.”

“I don’t mean to.” A tear slipped down her cheek. “It’s just that when you touch me or kiss me, I keep picturing his face, his hands.” Closing her eyes, her head whipped back and forth. “I can’t help it.”

“You told me once that when you were with me it made you forget everything else.” Releasing her arms, I tucked my finger under her chin until her face lined up with mine. “Focus on me. When thoughts of him creep in, shove them aside and focus on me.”

She swallowed hard. “Okay.”

“I would never hurt you.” I paused. “Because…I love you, Addie.”

“You what?”

“I love you,” I said. “And you don’t have to say it back. I just need you to know it. And I need you to trust me.” Lowering my hand, my fingers skated down her neck. She sucked in a breath, but didn’t shove me off. “It’s me, Addie. Sawyer. The boy who loves you and will never hurt you. Let me touch you. Let me show you.” I paused. “But you say the word. One word and this all ends, okay?” The nod was subtle, but it was there. I ran my fingers along her collarbone and across the collar of her shirt. Then I slipped my arms around her waist and tugged her so close our chests were pressed together. “You still with me?”

“Yeah,” she breathed, but her eyes faltered.

“Look at me,” I commanded, and she did. “Who am I?”

“Sawyer.” She giggled.

“That’s right. It’s just you and me.” My fingertips danced over her spine. Her hands were still at her sides, but I could feel her loosening up. “I’m going to kiss you now. Is that okay?”

She paused for a minute. When she shook her head, my heart sank. “Just one minute,” she said. Glancing down, an embarrassed look crossed her face. “My arms are stuck.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” I’d been holding her so tightly, I’d caged in her arms. I released my hold on her.

She reached up, looping her arms around my neck. It was the most she’d touched me in weeks, and my heart skipped a beat. I rested my hands on her hips, my fingers playing with the edge of her shirt. Tilting my head, I placed my lips over hers. “I love you, Addie,” I spoke against her mouth. Then I pressed down firmly, sealing the words with a kiss. I moved deftly, every motion calculated. I took my time, gauging her reaction, making sure she was comfortable.

But I needed to erase everything Felix had done to her. I needed to show her that touching and kissing could convey love, not violence. Slipping my fingers under her shirt, I remembered Felix touching her here. Remembered the feeling of rage that overtook me when his hands ran over her bare flesh. Stamping down the anger now, I took my own advice. Opening my eyes, I stared at Addison’s face. Her eyes were closed, her mouth attached to mine. She was lost in our kiss, exactly the way I had prompted her to do. She was so beautiful and vulnerable in this moment. I never wanted to forget it. Kissing her more fervently, I slid my hands over her bare stomach, the skin soft and smooth. I ran my palms over every inch of skin before curving around her back and squeezing her tight.

Our lips disconnected, and our foreheads met. We both breathed in deeply.

“Thank you,” Addie said. “And I’m sorry I’ve been so distant.”

“Hey, no need to apologize,” I told her.

Her head fell against my chest, and I held her close. We stood that way for awhile, silence spinning around us. But I was grateful. After weeks of almost no contact, this felt great. Frankly, I’d take whatever I could get at this point. My heart was content for the first time since the incident. Addie and I would be all right. I was sure of it now. I think all I needed was for us to connect again.

It wasn’t until Addie left that evening that I realized that she never said ‘I love you’ back.

Addie

When Sawyer told me he loved me, I wanted nothing more than to say it back. But for some reason I couldn’t. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him. I knew I loved Sawyer. I think I’d known it for awhile. Maybe even from the first moment we met. Definitely from the first time we kissed. And even more after he told me he’d never leave me. That he’d always protect me. Honestly, Sawyer had been stealing pieces of my heart from our first conversation on. And now he owned the entire thing.

But I’d never told a boy I loved him.

Well, other than Ben. And we all know how that ended.

Knowing I loved Sawyer and saying it were two different things. My former friends were always telling their boyfriends they loved them. They’d toss it out sometimes as early as a first date. Before meeting Sawyer, I was convinced that in high school the phrase ‘I love you’ didn’t mean anything. It was the obligatory thing to say. Like if someone was your boyfriend or girlfriend it was expected. That it meant the same thing as ‘I like you’ or ‘I want you’ or ‘I think you’re cool.’

But I didn’t see it that way. To me it meant something. And I knew it meant something to Sawyer too. When he told me he loved me, I believed him. I felt it at the core of who I was. His words resonated with my soul. And I felt like when I said it back, it would connect us in a way that scared me.

I knew better than anyone how fast someone could leave your life. How they could be here one minute and gone the next. How someone could change, transform before your very eyes. How they could become someone you didn’t even recognize. And Sawyer and I were young. Still in high school. Could I really promise to never let him down? To never leave him?

I couldn’t do that. I’d already changed so much this year. Who knew what I’d be like in five years or even ten. I guess I felt like once I admitted my feelings for Sawyer, I’d have a responsibility to him. And I didn’t know if I could handle that kind of commitment. As much as I loved Sawyer’s luggage analogy, I still felt like I was carrying some serious baggage.

Even though I’d gained closure when it came to Ben’s death, I now had the memories of what Felix did to me and to Sawyer to contend with. And even though things with my dad had gotten better, we were still working through some stuff.

“Addie,” My dad called out, breaking into my internal thoughts. “Sawyer’s here.” Dad may have been gone for months, but he slipped right back into overprotective dad mode as easily as a turtle slips back into its shell.

I smoothed down my hair, snatched up my purse, and scurried down the hallway. Dad was giving Sawyer the third degree when I entered the family room. I could hear Mom banging around the in kitchen as she made the two of them dinner. It was weird having Dad back. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy. It all happened so fast. One minute they were getting a divorce, the next Dad was moving into the new house with us.

Sawyer’s eyes widened when he saw me. “Your hair,” he said, his tone one of surprise.

Reaching up, I touched the silky strands. “Do you like it?”

“I love it.” He smiled. “But I love any color on you.”

Dad nodded at Sawyer’s words, obviously approving. Of course, I already knew my parents’ opinion. They were both over the moon when I dyed my hair back to my original color. I swear that Mom even teared up a little. But honestly, I was happy to have my blond back too. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d missed the old Addie.

Actually, I didn’t think I could even call her the old Addie anymore. She was Addie. She was me. I’d lost my way for awhile, but now I’d found my way back. When I first entertained the idea of dying my hair back and starting to wear my old clothes, I wondered if I was changing for Sawyer. But I knew that I wasn’t. Sawyer fell in love with me – the person I was inside. He didn’t care how I dressed or wore my hair. And I knew that this was who I was. I wasn’t the brooding girl who wore all black. I was the girl who liked looking nice, who liked to smile, and yeah, liked to wear pink.

Besides, I was tired of being the Addie who dwelt on the darkness in her life. I wanted to focus on the light. On what was good. Smiling at Sawyer, I realized that I had a lot to be thankful for. I had a lot of good in my life.

“You look gorgeous,” Sawyer whispered in my ear as we stepped outside. The air was a little chilly, and I shivered. His arm came around me, drawing me close. His familiar scent wrapped around me.

“Where are we going?” I asked as we walked toward the “Barney Mobile.”

“It’s a surprise.”

“A surprise, huh?” I cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah. I figure that you’re always surprising me. It’s time I surprise you.”

Dumbfounded, I peered up at him. “How am I always surprising you?”

He stopped in his tracks and faced me. “Are you kidding? You’ve been surprising me from the first moment I met you. I never know what to expect from you. You keep me on my toes. But I like it.” Shrugging, he smiled. “I have no idea what tomorrow brings with you, and that’s exciting.”

My mind flew back to my earlier thoughts. About how I couldn’t say I love you to Sawyer for fear of letting him down one day. But Sawyer wasn’t living his life in fear. In fact, he was embracing the unpredictability of it all. And he’d taught me how to enjoy life again. How to not stew on the negative, but celebrate the positive.

Desperately, I wanted to do that. I wanted to throw caution to the wind. To enjoy every minute I had with Sawyer. Because I did love him. And I loved being with him. I may not have been able to make him promises about the future, but I could give him this moment.

And wasn’t that all any of us could give?

“Sawyer.” I stepped toward him. Lifting my hand, I ran my fingertips over the stubble growing on his chin. I trailed the faint bruises that still lingered on his face. “That first time that you talked to me at group therapy, I thought I didn’t need anyone. I thought I could navigate through all of this on my own. And, honestly, I didn’t think I had anything to give to anyone else. But the more time I spent with you, I realized I was wrong. I needed you….and you needed me. And I wasn’t as empty as I thought. I did have something to give. Every day we spent together, my heart opened a little, my pain lessened. You brought Addie back, Sawyer. The Addie I never thought I’d see again. You brought color and joy back into my life.” I paused, working up the courage to say the words. “And I love you for it, Sawyer.”

“You love me?” Sawyer cocked an eyebrow.

I nodded. “I love you.”

“Ahh, you don’t know what it means to me to hear you say that.” Sawyer swept me up in his arms and kissed me hard. I kissed him back with everything I had, determined to enjoy this moment. To enjoy every single moment from here on out. To give all I had. To live every day as if it were my last.