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Her butler cleared his throat, causing
Benedict to stop, and place her once again to rights. With a few
choice words, he walked to the door, shooed her butler out and
turned the lock.

"I have to say something."

Katherine fumbled with her hair, averting her
eyes. If she didn't look directly at him, perhaps she could be
stronger and not cry.

"I'm not sorry."

Well, that was a lousy start.

She opened her mouth to speak, but he
continued.

"To be sorry seems too easy. You make a hash
of things and say you're sorry, but the value of that person's
apology is measured against their past indiscretions. So then you
ask yourself, is that person sorry for their actions or merely
sorry they had to deal with the consequences of getting caught?"
Benedict laughed. "I think my entire life I've been blind. I've
always felt fulfilled, never truly guilty over my actions. I
boasted in my debauchery and rejoiced in the power it gave me.
Until recently, I would have been merely sorry I was caught."

"And now?" Katherine asked timidly.

"Now?" He laughed bitterly. "Now I'm so
blasted ashamed of myself, I want to ask the first man I see to
shoot me."

"Or woman?" she volunteered.

"Yes." He laughed outright. "Or woman. The
thing of it is I have lived selfishly from amusement to amusement,
never truly realizing how hollow my existence was. Until I met you,
that is. Before you, I was perfectly happy."

Katherine stiffened. Splendid, so now she was
the reason for his discontent?

"Don't take offense. I compare my prior
existence to a man living in a thundercloud, until one day the
clouds disappear and the most beautiful sun begins to shine light
on everything. What was once acceptable in the dark, even
glorified, is no longer beautiful, but ugly and distasteful. The
things that seemed to be important were merely shadows, faded into
my old life. I would do anything to stay in your sunlight. I would
give my very soul to be your center of gravity." Benedict
approached her, his trembling hand reaching out to touch her face.
She closed her eyes. "So I wish to tell you, I know the true
meaning of being sorry. I will not be that man, because you see, I
no longer am him. I am someone new because the sun now shines. Tell
me, Katherine. Tell me the sun will stay. Tell me the sun will
bring light."

"I lov—"

"Open this door immediately!" a man's voice
shouted.

Benedict cursed and walked slowly to the door
and unlocked it.

Paisley burst in.

"It's Agatha, we have to go, now!" Paisley
grabbed Benedict and ushered him out before Katherine could finish
what she was saying. Without as much of a word to anyone, she
grabbed her pelisse and reticule and followed them out of the
house.

She had no idea by the time they arrived they
would be too late.

Nor had she quite understood the depth of
anguish a man would face when his last remaining relative save his
cousin, was taken from the world.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

The funeral was
depressing,
as most funerals were. And Katherine was by
Benedict's side the entire time holding his hand, trying to give
him strength.

The worst part, he thought as he squeezed her
hand, was that Agatha and he had only just begun communicating.

He looked up at the dreary London sky. Was
that the life he wanted for himself? To push away everyone and
everything? His last remaining family member, save his cousin, was
dead.

Alone. He was alone in the world, and he had
nothing to show for it really. He had no true friends to turn to.
Except Katherine.

He had to tell her. She had to know before
they married how he felt, what he would give away for her, what he
would do for her if just given the chance. If she could not accept
his love and forgive him, he might just follow Agatha into the
grave, not that she would much appreciate her devilish nephew
ruining her chances of happiness in the afterlife.

He laughed at the thought.

"Are you well?" she asked as they paused in
front of his carriage.

"I will be, very soon." He kissed her hands.
She didn't pull away but the vulnerability was visible in her gaze.
"Tonight." He kissed her forehead. "At the Kringle Ball, let us
dance until midnight, and when all is over with, let us marry."

"At midnight?" Katherine laughed. "For what
reason?"

"Well, I do have papers making it completely
legal, as well as the old vicar from our family estate staying at
one of my townhomes for the holidays."

"And my parents?" Katherine asked biting her
lip.

"I hope they'll attend."

She nodded slowly, and then more
enthusiastically. Her father joined her side. Benedict said his
goodbyes and with a final glance toward his aunt's house, jumped
into his carriage.

Katherine readied for
the
ball. A pink silk ball gown of beautiful satin hung snug
around her middle. The skirts fell around her legs making it
impossible to see the line of the dress. It was scandalous to say
the least, only because she knew Benedict would spend most of his
night trying to find the outline of her legs within the folds of
the fabric.

The man did have an odd obsession with her
knees and ankles.

Her carriage arrived at his townhome early,
but he had asked permission from her parents to escort her,
especially considering they were to be married at midnight.

She was so excited, she had to clench her
hands to keep from waving them wildly in the air. His speech had
been so beautiful, so wonderful.

Yet part of her, a tiny part, still had
doubt, for how could a man who had lived his entire life one way,
hope to change in just a few weeks? And all because of her? She was
nothing special, she knew that. Even Benedict had pointed it out
early on in their relationship, but perhaps she should just allow
herself to fall. For the only person she could imagine that she
wanted to catch her was the Duke of Banbury.

She knocked. A very stunned butler opened the
door and then closed it in her face. Truly, Benedict needed to hire
a new staff immediately.

She knocked again. He opened it a crack. "I'm
here to see my
fiancé
. He's to be escorting me to the
Kringle Ball."

"Er…" The butler looked behind him, and
suddenly Katherine heard shouting.

She pushed past the butler with all the
strength she could muster and ran directly into her worst
nightmare. Maria, the old housekeeper wearing a gown fit for a
courtesan with her chest nearly exposed. She was crying and
shouting still. And then she turned to Katherine, venom in her
eyes.

Benedict also turned. "This isn't what you
think, she—"

"He loves to play games, my lady. This is
just one of the many ones we've dreamt up together. It makes our
time together so much better when there is the fear of getting
caught. We fight," she laughed. "And then we make love, right after
his innocent little girl walks through the door. I couldn't write a
better story myself." She tripped on the hem of her gown and
laughed again.

"Katherine…" Benedict pinched his nose.
"She's drunk and angry, and somehow snuck through the servants'
entrance. This is no game. She is ill, sick actually, and if she
steps foot in my house one more time…" Benedict reached for Maria
and grabbed her arm, clenching it tightly within his hand. "…I will
have her arrested. Now leave before I call Bow Street."

She jerked her arm away, tears streaming down
her face. "Why would you throw away something so good?"

"We are finished!" he yelled. "You mean
nothing to me. What we did, meant nothing."

"It was everything."

He leveled her with a cold stare,"Perhaps for
you. For me it was nothing but a heartless toss with an easy woman
who desired money in exchange for services, and I'm—" He squared
his shoulders. "I'm… sorry, but I'm no longer that man anymore,
hell I don't know if I ever was."

Benedict sighed loudly, "Truthfully, I'm
sorry I have caused you distress, but this," he glanced over at
Katherine, "She, is my life."

Maria threw her head back and laughed, her
dark hair spilling in waves across her scandalous dress. She walked
past Katherine and glared. "You'll never be able to give him what I
did. He'll grow tired of you and come back. Just wait and see."

With that she left.

Katherine tried to breathe, but the air
wouldn't fill her lungs fast enough. Short gasps came out until
finally she fell to her knees on the ground, still gasping for
air.

"Katherine!" Benedict ran to her side,
scooped her into his arms, and pushed open the doors to the first
room on the right, one of the salons. "Katherine?"

Benedict had never
felt
so angry and afraid in his entire life. Angry at Maria,
angry at himself, angry at his past, and afraid that Katherine was
now lost forever. How could she trust him? How could she know that
the other women meant nothing? That Maria had literally attacked
him in his own home? Beating his chest until Marsail had to pull
her from his body?

"Katherine?" He touched her face, then her
chest. "Breathe, just breathe, in and out, slowly now. There you
go, slowly."

Finally, after a few minutes, her breathing
slowed.

And then the tears came.

Shame twined through him like an insidious
vine. He wanted to die.

In fact, his gaze kept returning to the
pistol hanging over the fireplace.

"Please, please don't cry." He wiped her
tears, but he was too slow in catching all of them. Benedict rocked
her in his arms. She was trembling.

"Nothing happened. She is mad, Katherine. Do
you understand? I would never do that to you, ever. You must
believe me."

She didn't say a word, merely cried a little
more, then pulled herself from his lap and set her skirts to
rights. "I'm ready for the ball now."

"You can't be serious?"

"I am. My parents will expect me."

He moved to grab her arm, but she pulled
back. Trust was a thing of the past, if it had ever been there in
the first place. And in return, he noticed the sparkle die in her
eyes, and he knew he was the cause as well as the cure. She just
needed time.

He patted his coat pocket to be sure he had
remembered to take the note Agatha had left him. It was there.

But she was not. His heart stuttered in his
chest as his throat tightened with sadness.

He needed her now, needed her wisdom and
guidance on how to proceed. But all he could think that she might
say would be to fight. So fight he would. Wordlessly, they left the
house. And wordless they both remained for the entire journey to
the Kringle Ball.

The Note

Katherine had already
decided
to forgive Benedict. Though he did have some
explaining to do, she realized one very important thing.

She didn't want to live her life in fear.

She loved him so much that she wasn't sure
she could face life without him. Katherine just wanted his love in
return, as well as his loyalty. The only reason she doubted him was
because of what she had seen with her eyes, not what she felt with
her heart.

Fear had ruled her decisions with him, and
she was much happier when she didn't feed it. When she allowed her
trust in Benedict and in herself to make sound decisions, to lead
her to happiness, fear dissipated.

So as Benedict helped her out of the
carriage, she looked up at the starry sky and then back at the man
she would soon call husband. She offered him something, something
she had been waiting to give to him at midnight.