Forever Changes (9 page)

When Brianna got home, just because she was kind of annoyed at Dad for being right, she decided to make him wait. He lasted five whole minutes before saying,  “So.”

“Yeah?” Brianna said as she grabbed plates and glasses to put on the table.

“So how was it?”

“It was good.  I’m going to apply.  But it’s the only place I’m applying, no safety school, and no hassling me about the application.”

Dad said nothing, but he was beaming.  He was trying to be cool, but he couldn’t keep this gigantic grin off his face. “I’m really proud of you sweetie,” he said.

Now Brianna was the one who couldn’t stop herself from smiling.  She said, “okay, okay, none of that.  Everything’s going to stay normal around here, alright, and don’t start bragging about me or anything because I might not get in.”

“You’ll get in.”

“Not if you keep jinxing it!”

“Okay.  So do I get to hear about MIT, or is it all shrouded in mystery?”

Brianna found that she kind of wanted to talk about it, to tell Dad everything about the signal-to-noise guy and the campus and her sweatshirt fantasy, but she was too afraid that if she did say it out loud, that she was daring to hope for life after graduation, that she’d immediately fall sick.

“I know this sounds totally weird, but I just can’t really talk about it right now.  I’m sorry.  It was cool and I’m going to apply, and I will talk about it later, but not yet.”

“Okay.  Do you have any recommendations yet?”

“Dad, that actually counts as hassling me about the application.”

Dad held up his hands in surrender. “All right.  I’m not hassling.  So guess what I found in the break room today?”

“I don’t know.  Porno mags?”

“Worse.  Webcam and mike.”

“They’re
spying
on you?”

“Well, not anymore.   I just happened to trip over Joanne’s purse that she’d carelessly left on the floor, which sent my coffee flying, and I’m afraid it might have gotten on some of the electronics.”

Brianna laughed.  “Good for you,” she said.

“Total accident!” Dad said, pointing to the light over the table like it held a microphone and smiling.  “I would never intentionally sabotage the property of the Bargain Zone Corporation!”

After dinner, they washed dishes together, and then Brianna called Melissa and Stephanie and did her homework.  When she finally turned off her desk lamp and got into her pajamas, she realized she didn’t hear the TV, and the sounds of classic rock coming from the garage must mean that Dad was still out there working on customizing somebody’s bike.

The next week was November 8, Brianna’s nineteenth birthday.  She hadn’t really made any plans.  In fact, it snuck up on her.  Nobody had asked her what she wanted or anything, and she hadn’t talked about it.  It felt like bad luck.  She knew this was probably crazy, but she thought  she might only still be alive because of some sort of supernatural clerical error, and if she drew people’s attention to the fact that she was still around, somebody would catch their mistake and zap her into the grave.  Dumb, but there it was.

“Happy Birthday,” Dad said in the morning. “I’m glad you were born.” He’d been saying this on her birthday for as long as she could remember, and it was corny, but also very sweet. “Do you want your present now or later?”

“Hmmm,” Brianna said.  “I guess later.”  It was probably an Old Navy gift card or some CDs that Dad got with his employee discount at Bargain Zone.  Well, it would be fun to get something.

“Are you sure?” Dad said.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“I mean, I think you might actually enjoy your day a little more if you have this present,” Dad said.

“Okay,” Brianna said.  Well, that pretty much ruled out the Old Navy gift card.  Still, maybe it was a CD that he thought she might like to listen to.

“Great!” Dad beamed.  “Follow me.” He started walking toward the garage, and all Brianna could think was that her present was probably pretty small if he could fit it in between the weights and all the bikes in there.

“Now there were some delays, and  I’m really sorry it’s not completely ready, and I’m  really sorry it’s not done, but I wanted you to know it was coming.  Dad threw open the garage door.  “Happy Birthday!” he said.

Brianna peered around him and saw, what was, or possibly would be, a motorcycle.  It was a small one—looked like it had started life as a 150-cc Honda or something.  It was still mostly in pieces, but the gas tank was painted to resemble a killer whale.  When Brianna was younger, she’d been obsessed with marine mammals. She’d always liked the killer whales because they were fierce and mean, and the fact that they couldn’t breathe in the place where they spent most of their lives didn’t hold them back from being fearsome predators.

“Oh my God!” she yelled.  “Dad!  Is that really for me?”

“Yeah, Sweetie, it is.”

“Oh my God!  How did you … when did you … it’s so awesome!  Oh my God, this is the best freakin’ present I’ve ever seen!”  She threw her arms around Dad and said, “Thank you thank you thank you!”

Dad smiled.  “You’re welcome. I hope you like it. I’m sorry it’s not all ready to go.   We have to teach you how to ride it and get you a license and everything, so I’m sorry, because it’s not–”

“Dad, shut up! I love it!”

She got dressed and medicated as quickly as she could and then hopped into the Sunfire.  She patted the dashboard and said, “it won’t be long until you’re second choice, pal.”

Melissa and Stephanie both gave her cards and told her they were kidnapping her after school.  “To go where?” she asked.

“It’s a surprise.”

“Okay.”

In homeroom, Adam was clutching an MIT application.  “Got your recommendations yet?” he said.

“Adam, we were just there last night.”

“Yeah, well, I guess I’m a little excited.  I got in early and asked Ms. Kellie for one.  You should totally ask Eccles.  He loves you.”

“Ew, don’t be gross.”

“I don’t mean like that.  I mean in a teacher’s pet way, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Anyway, he’ll probably write a great recommendation.”

Brianna didn’t know if it was annoying or good that Adam was going to be making sure she got every step of the application done by the early decision deadline.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.  I’ll ask him today.”

“Cool.  Now, have you looked at the essays yet?”

“Adam, you seriously need to relax.  I’ve had the thing for about fifteen hours, and I actually did sleep for about six of those, so if you have any more questions about what I’ve done yet, the answer is nothing.”

Adam grinned.  “Sorry.  Geeking out a little bit.  Just walking around campus and picturing myself there and thinking about getting out of this place—I just can’t wait to get out of here.”

It was more complicated for Brianna.  She had been excited at MIT, but she wanted to make this year last because it could represent as much as five percent of her time on earth, and she wasn’t going to wish it away.  Before she could tell Adam any of this, or question whether this was a conversation she really wanted to get into before eight in the morning, the bell rang.

“Oh, by the way,” Adam said as they were dismissed, “happy birthday.” He handed her a card and practically ran out of homeroom.  She was glad they’d talked about Stephanie because it meant she could just enjoy the card as a gesture of friendship.  How had he known it was her birthday anyway?

The front of the card had this muscular guy with a big sword killing a dragon.  Inside, it said, “I wanted to make sure there’d be no draggin’ around on your birthday!”

Adam had written, “I thought about getting a less geeky card, but I do have an image to maintain.  Happy Birthday.”

She stowed the card in her bag and went to class.

Even though she knew Adam was right, Brianna was nervous about asking Eccles for a recommendation.

She hung back after class, and Adam gave a discreet thumbs up, and left her alone with the teacher.

“Uh, Mr. Eccles?” She said.

Eccles  looked up from rooting through a desk drawer and grinned. “Ms. Pelletier!  How can I help you?”

“Well, I’ve decided to get myself to a dormitory, and I was just wondering …”  She trailed off.  What was she supposed to say?  Can you write something about how wonderful I am?  She knew teachers did this stuff all the time, but it was still really hard to ask.

“You were wondering if I could write you a recommendation?”

Brianna blushed.  “Yeah.”

“Ms. Pelletier, it would be my pleasure.  It is so rare that I get to write a recommendation for someone with such a brilliant mathematical mind.   Your recommendation practically writes itself.”

Now Brianna was really embarrassed.  She managed to thank him and added, “Obviously I’m not going to see it or anything, but I really want them to know I can do math, you know, not just that I’m sick.”

“Ms. Pelletier, it would never even cross my mind to mention anything but your mathematical ability. Though I do hope your own essay will pull tears from the eyes of the hardest-hearted admissions counselor.”

“Oh, I’m gonna milk it for all it’s worth.  It’s caused me enough trouble, I figure the least it can do is get me into MIT.”

Eccles laughed.  “Wonderful, wonderful.  Yes, Ms. Pelletier. Fantastic. I shall begin your recommendation with all due dispatch.”

“Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.”

“Yes.  Time is short.”

Brianna suddenly felt bad, like he thought she wanted to make sure he wrote it before he croaked.  “Oh, jeez, I didn’t mean…”

“Oh, I know, Ms. Pelletier.  Forgive me.  I know you are applying early decision. I’m sorry to drag mortality into the discussion.  It’s never far from my mind, but that’s no reason I should trouble you.”

“Don’t worry about it.  It’s never far from my mind either.”

It was strange to have this kind of moment with a teacher, but it was really nice, too.  They completely understood each other, and Brianna felt better about herself, because here was this guy who went to the beach to think deep thoughts, a guy who had all these years of pondering things that were impossible to understand, and when it came to looking at the end of  his life, he was scared, too.

“I do think about what you said, though, with the math, and everything.  It makes me feel better sometimes.”

“I’m glad, Ms. Pelletier.  One tiny good deed to weigh against a lifetime of … well, in any case, I’m glad if anything I’ve said has provided any comfort.  I’ve come to believe more and more that our mission is less to discover the beauty of the universe through mathematics and more to simply be kind to our fellow creatures.”

Eccles suddenly looked incredibly old and sad, and Brianna felt sorry for him. She had a weird thought—maybe the only good thing about dying young was that she hadn’t had time to build up a lifetime of regrets.  When she thought about her life, she remembered a couple of times in middle school when she’d been really mean, and some of the times when she took out her bad feelings on Dad because he was the closest target.  But she hadn’t done anything bad enough to feel like she’d made the world worse.  All the years Eccles had been teaching, all the kids he’d helped get into college, all the kids who he’d shown that there were other, bigger things to think about besides who looked at you in the cafeteria, and he obviously still felt like his equation wasn’t balanced.

Eccles shook his head.  “My apologies once again for waxing philosophical.  I shall have your recommendation complete by next week.”

“Thanks so much.  And don’t worry about the philosophy.  I can handle it.”

Eccles smiled.  “Your generosity of spirit is inspirational.”

“Okay, well, I’ve gotta go prove Zeno wrong and eat a tuna salad sandwich.”

“Do enjoy,” Eccles said, as he pulled his own lunch from his desk drawer.

“I shall,” Brianna said.  And she did.

At the end of the day, Brianna met Melissa and Stephanie by Stephanie’s locker.

She felt lighter even though her bag seemed to weigh as much as she did. It was her birthday, so she was going to celebrate and try not to think about life or death, and she’d get to laugh with her friends, and maybe that was the best thing you could do with your life anyway.

As they reached the foot of the staircase next to the door to the parking lot, Brianna saw Ashley running down the stairs.

“Bri!” Ashley called out.

“Hey, Ash, what’s up!”

“Oh my God, I’ve been looking for you all day!  Happy birthday!” she said, and she placed a card in Brianna’s hand.

“Hey, thanks!” Brianna said.

“So, do you have any big plans?”

“Well,” Brianna said, nodding at Stephanie and Melissa, “apparently, but I don’t know what they are yet.”

“Cool! Happy Birthday,” Ashley said as a couple of her identical little friends came and swept her away.

“Come on!” Stephanie said.  “We’re gonna be late! Make sure you bring your coat!”

They all piled into Melissa’s car, apparently because she was the most fearless driver.  Brianna was not a fearless passenger, though, and she held onto the door as they sped through the back roads, convinced Melissa was going to crash.

But Melissa didn’t crash, and when they pulled up to the docks, Brianna still didn’t know what they were doing.  “”People are getting on already!!” Stephanie said.  “Do you have the tickets?”

“Yeah,” Melissa said, and Brianna looked at the boat that was loading.  It was a whale watch boat.  It was actually the same whale watch boat that they had all taken on a field trip in the fifth grade.

“Oh my God, you guys, this is so sweet!” Brianna said.

“Less talking, more running,” Melissa replied.  “We’re gonna miss it if we don’t hurry, and this is the very last one before they shut down for the winter.”

They all ran up the gangway and found seats inside the boat.  There were seats outside, but it would be way too freezing out there.  Brianna remembered being on this same boat seven years ago, and how she and her best friend Melissa had made friends with this new girl named Stephanie.

The boat started chugging out to sea, and Brianna said, “You guys, this is a completely awesome birthday present.”  Melissa and Stephanie beamed.  They spent an hour talking and laughing, and then the captain came over the PA and said, “folks, if you look off the starboard side—that’s the right for those of you not used to ocean travel—you’ll see something pretty spectacular.”

He hadn’t even finished speaking when a gigantic humpback came up, blew a gigantic breath, and disappeared with a  splash of its gigantic tail.  It had been years since Brianna’s cetacean obsession had faded away, but all at once she felt it flooding back.  This animal was—there was no other word for it—magnificent. She stared at the water where the humpback’s tail had made a big splash.

Suddenly she heard giggling.  She turned around.  “What?” she said.

“It’s just,” Stephanie said, “don’t get mad, but you’re just so cute … you looked at that whale like, I don’t know—”

“Like Stephanie looks at the football team,” Melissa said, and they all started laughing.

They saw a few right whales, which would have been really cool if they hadn’t already seen a humpback, and then, as it grew dark, the boat headed back to Blackpool Harbor.  Brianna felt herself lulled to sleep by the gentle motion of the boat and the hum of the engines, and when they got back, she awoke between a sleeping Melissa and a sleeping Stephanie.

They went and had dinner at Stephanie’s and watched
American Pie
for probably the hundredth time, even though it was really just background noise while they talked.

Finally Brianna went home at midnight, exhausted. If only, she thought, there were some way to save this perfect night, so she could re-visit it whenever she wanted, so she could feel the way she felt now and never have to feel sad or afraid or lonely again.  She understood the idea of ending it all while things were good, so she wouldn’t have to slip away in some hospital bed somewhere, but she wasn’t ready to ramp off the Tobin Bridge just yet.  Besides, while the idea of the jump was kind of cool, the reality would be terrifying.  She didn’t want to go out feeling like she was too scared to take the death she had coming to her.

And, anyway, maybe there’d be a breakthrough treatment, she’d live after all, and she’d go to MIT.  Dr. Patel was always talking about this and that drug or therapy that was “in the pipeline”, and maybe if she could hold on long enough, things would be okay after all.