Forever for a Year (18 page)

“I know I'm a year older, but I've only had one girlfriend … and it would get like this but only after we had been dating, like, four months. We never kissed this way. It was different.”

“Do you want to kiss the way you did with her?”

“No! No, no, no … Carolina, I mean I didn't realize how much I liked kissing until now that I've kissed you,” he said, and this was the BEST THING ANY BOY, I am sure, HAS EVER SAID TO ANY GIRL EVER, and I couldn't breathe, and I wanted to cry, but happy cry. But I didn't want him to think I was crazy, so I just sat there and looked at him because I loved him so much I wanted to die. But not die! To live forever and ever with him.

“You're the greatest boy in the world, Trevor,” I finally managed to say, and it felt so emotional it made me vulnerable, but I decided I didn't care.

“You say perfect things, and do perfect things, and look perfect, and I can't believe you like me,” he said.

“That was the perfect thing to say!” I said.

“We are so lucky. I've never felt lucky in my life, but I feel so lucky.…”

“Me too.” Then we stared at each other, and I loved looking into his eyes in the dark, with only the light of the television. It made me feel we were in our own world. Then we didn't say anything again for a long time and I wondered if we entered a dream, but that was silly, and then Trevor said, “Can I kiss you again?”

“Yes.” And then I said, “But is it okay if we only kiss?”

“Oh, I never … I would never…” Trevor felt horrible. He couldn't look at me anymore.

“I know. I know,” I said, and I didn't know what else to say and I didn't want him to be sad again, so I leaned in and kissed him. I'd planned to kiss him slower, but I didn't like kissing him slower, I liked kissing him fast, because it made my whole body tingle and my head light, which was okay because I was lying down again, and he was on top of me again and then I felt it against my leg again.…

Okay, I'll say it. Gosh. I feel so stupid saying it, but if I'm going to grow up, I should say it, I guess. I felt his … penis … which, you know, was excited … against my leg.… Gosh. That is SO WEIRD TO SAY! But I'd read about this a lot, and yes, I'd seen stupid porn. I'm not, like, a baby, but, you know, it's just different when it's actually happening. And even though he had his pants on and we were still just kissing and he hadn't even touched my boobs—would I like if he touched my boobs? I didn't even know, but I was glad he was waiting—and anyway, this was a very big deal that I felt my first penis even if I only felt it with my thigh and not my hand and he still had pants on. Then I paused from kissing him, because his penis made me think, which made me say, “Why haven't you asked me to be your girlfriend?”

And Trevor said, “Oh, I, uh…”

He didn't want me to be his girlfriend. Oh, oh, oh, oh, but I didn't want to lose him, so I said, “It's okay, we don't have to call each other ‘boyfriend' and ‘girlfriend'—”

But then HE said, “No, Carolina. I just thought you were my girlfriend probably before we even talked. I definitely want you to be my girlfriend. Will you be my girlfriend?”

“Yes,” I said, and tried to swallow my excitement before I jumped up on the couch and danced or something, and then I kissed him, and he kissed me, and gosh.

 

34

Trevor can't be careful

By the time Carolina and I finished making out, our faces were red and wet with sweat and spit. It would have been gross to outside people, but to us, I think, it was great. I didn't know what the hell to do with all my stupid smiling, so I just ignored it and hoped Carolina didn't find me too dorky doing it.

As she put her shoes back on, I said, “It really sucks I have to wait until Monday to see you again.”

“Let's meet tomorrow and study together,” she said the instant I was done talking.

“I love how you just say things.”

“Gosh, I'm sorry. I just say what I say sometimes without thinking.”

“No, Carolina, I really love it,” I said, scooting next to her and taking her hand in mine. I don't even know why, but whatever. Screw it. I knew why: I didn't want her to feel bad about herself for even one second. Not one second.

“Kendra says boys don't like it. They like to be in control.”

“Yeah, no … I think boys that aren't strong like to be in control, but boys that are strong, they like strong girls.” I stood up. Maybe to feel tall. Or strong. I don't know.

“So you like strong girls?” she asked, standing up next to me, looking at me as if she really wanted to know the answer.

“I like you, and you're like the strongest girl I've ever met.”

“Thanks…” But she wasn't that excited at being the strongest girl I've ever met, so I said, “You're strong with your mind and your personality, but you're also super pretty.”

“I like when you say that,” Carolina said.

“I mean it.”

“No one—I mean, my dad and brother have, but no boy—has ever called me pretty before.”

“You're the prettiest girl I've ever met, Carolina.” She kissed me quick on the lips, then engulfed my body with her arms and just held on. I didn't let go. It felt like we just stood there, silent, hugging in my basement for hours. But it was only a few minutes. Then my dad pounded on the basement door and said it was time for Carolina to go home. We got in his BMW, which I wanted Carolina to think was cool but then I didn't and then I did again.

Her house was in the older part of town and was small, but it was nice. Maybe. I could only see it from the outside. It was one story and had only one outside light and a one-car garage behind the house. It's sort of stupid that kids get to live in nice houses if their parents are rich and have to live in smaller houses or no houses if their parents aren't that rich. Stupid and confusing. Whatever.

After we parked, I walked Carolina to her front door. I kissed her and hugged her good-bye. We didn't say anything, but maybe we didn't need to. We just knew what we had was awesome.

As I walked back to my dad's car, I felt like my body had been chopped in half. I know how that sounds. Trust me, I'm the last person that would think he would get all gushy and strange about falling for a girl. And, crap, you know what? I have to just admit it. I loved her. If this wasn't love, I don't what else it could be, right? I literally felt my skin itch to run back and grab her again. My brain couldn't stop thinking about her or imagine not being with her. It was flooded, like, really flooded, like, I could feel it gushing and overflowing with thoughts and images of her. Things she said, the way she looked at me, little things. Everything. If that's not love, what the hell is it? Tell me! Because I don't want to be in love! Man! Why did I do this to myself! She's going to stop liking me or start being mean or die or hurt herself and then my life will be worse than it ever was. So much worse.

Man, please … stop, Trevor … stop thinking so much bad all the time.… Come on. Stay positive. Don't wreck this, please.… Please, Trevor …

“Trevor,” my dad said in the driver's seat, halfway back home.

“Yeah?” I said, but could only half listen with my brain filled with only Carolina.

“Things can go pretty fast with a first love, so just be careful. For both of you,” he said, and I hated him saying it. For one, why did he think this was love? And screw him for being right, and screw him for telling me what to do. But I didn't say anything. I just nodded so he wouldn't say anything more to piss me off.

What I want to know is how are you supposed to be careful when you feel like this? If I pretend I don't want to see her every stupid second of every stupid day, then she'll think I don't like her and I'll lose her or be a liar or both … so how? How can you? Because I don't see how I can do anything but just be with her and think about her and kiss her and everything else whenever I can. If I were to try to do anything else, if I were to be “careful,” I should just kill myself because my love for Carolina was the first thing in my entire existence that felt real. And true. And worth it.

When I got home, I texted:

ME

I like you so much

Because I had to text her something. Had to. Just as I had to breathe, I had to text her something. But I didn't want to text her “I love you” because I didn't want to freak her out. And then I waited for her to text me back, maybe she would say
I love you
because Carolina is so bold like that, but she could also text me back how much she likes me or anything, even just a smiley face, but she didn't … she didn't text me anything.

Something was wrong. Something I said. What did I say wrong? Crap! Oh man! I thought about calling her, but I didn't. I just sat there, staring at my phone, waiting for her to text me, but nothing came. Maybe she fell asleep. How could she sleep? No way she could sleep. She was mad at me.

All my insides scrunched up in this ugly small ball. It hurt. Real pain. Pain. No way would I ever sleep. I just thought about what I could have said wrong. What I did wrong. Everything. I did everything wrong. I got a stupid erection. So dumb.
Game of Thrones
? That's a guys' show! So much cheesy words and lame everything. And then I didn't say anything to her when we dropped her off.

Oh man … I lost her. I lost the one person I wanted. The one person I needed. I could have gone through my entire life without anyone else but her and now I had lost her.…

 

35

Carolina goes to Starbucks

When I woke up, there was a text from Trevor. It said how much he liked me, and I texted back within the tiniest second ever that I liked him so much too, and then I thought about how last night was the best night of my life. Did I think last Friday was? Maybe. But last night was definitely better. My gosh. Maybe that's what love is—maybe every new day is more incredible than the last. It was. With Trevor, it was. Oh my gosh, I can't believe this is happening to me.

Trevor texted me while I was thinking about him, which was always.

TREVOR

I sent that text last night

This felt like a weird thing to text, and I started breathing fast because I don't know why, so I texted:

ME

I just woke up or I would have

texted you back the second

I got it last night!

Then I waited, until he texted:

TREVOR

I think I like you too much

My heart stopped. STOPPED. He was going to dump me! He was afraid and he was going to dump me and never see me again, but then he texted:

TREVOR

;)

And that wink face was all my heart needed to start beating again, and then I texted back that we should meet and do homework together at two and then he said noon and I said yes, obviously.

I called Kendra and told her about last night. I wanted to tell her about how Trevor's penis got, you know, but I didn't want to sound like such a dork. My dad and I watched this documentary last Christmas vacation before I kicked him out about a twelve-year-old girl in New York City and how sophisticated and knowledgeable she was about sex. I was so much older than her but the way this girl talked made me think I was one hundred years younger. She could talk about blow jobs and take Facebook pictures with sexy eyes in just her bra. After watching it, I got in bed with my computer, pulled the covers over my head and looked at porn for the first time. Everyone I knew, even Peggy, had watched porn by then and would talk about it and I would just nod, like I knew what they were talking about. But, I don't know, to be honest, I was scared. My mom had said to me, “Carrie, I can't stop you from watching it, but once you watch it, you eventually are going to see things that disturb you and you will never be able to unwatch it.” This was the most terrifying thing my mom had ever said, it made me feel like watching pornography would alter my brain and I would be corrupted forever. But after seeing that twelve-year-old in the documentary, and feeling like such a little girl, I knew I had to grow up and watch porn even if it totally messed me up. So I did. And, so, anyway, it didn't shock me. Not like I thought it would. Gosh, what you can see in movies and music videos and even commercials was kind of sexier anyway, it's just these people were naked and having real sex, except they looked fake, and I don't know, they acted so silly. They just banged and almost never kissed. The shapes, and all the penises and vaginas were definitely super weird and I had to look away and I got this sick feeling two times or maybe more, but I didn't think my brain melted or anything. Maybe it did screw me up, but I only watched porn one other time with Peggy over the summer and we both laughed but then got uncomfortable and turned it off.

“When we were kissing,” I decided to tell Kendra, “his penis got a hard-on and pressed against my leg.”

“That means he likes you,” she said.

“Really?” I said, but already knew this.

“But don't have sex with him yet.”

“Kendra! I'm not having sex until college.”

“Yeah, right,” she said.

“Why don't you believe me?” I had planned this out very carefully!

“Because no one waits that long anymore except really religious people, and they only wait because they fear God will send them to hell if they don't.”

“Well,” I said, “I'm definitely not having sex until I'm a junior, then.”

Kendra didn't say anything, which made me think she didn't believe me, which made me think everything I planned was going to change now that Trevor was my—yes!—boyfriend. It was scary, but I was becoming mature very fast so it wasn't that scary. Right?