Forever for a Year (31 page)

After the movie was over, Trevor made Lily go to bed even though it was early. She complained but not much. I didn't get up from the couch because my pants were undone but Lily hugged me and then Trevor walked her upstairs to her room.

I went down to the basement by myself and I waited and I thought, oh my gosh, I was about to have sex. I didn't want to think it. I just wanted it to happen so that I didn't have to think later that I could have not done it. I wanted it to just be that our bodies did it, that they loved each other so much that we had to have sex tonight even though it was still a week until my birthday and I promised I would wait until then. It sounded so much more mature to wait but I just couldn't. Trevor and I needed to have sex, we did, or else all these bad things like Alexander or his mom's sadness or the universe might pull us apart.

Wait a minute. Trevor's mom tried to commit suicide, and I hadn't even really thought what that meant. I was so happy he wasn't mad about me texting Alexander (well, he wasn't mad until I told him), that I didn't really think about how this made Mrs. Santos such a different person. She was so perfect and yet she tried to kill herself. I wanted to be just like her, so does that mean I'd want to kill myself some day? What if I'm not as perfect as she is, won't that mean I'd want to kill myself even more? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. This world is a horrible place and I can be a horrible person, but even if I'm a perfect person it won't matter.…

And then Trevor came downstairs, and he started kissing me without talking.

 

64

Trevor …

Kissed her. Grabbed her. Took off her shirt. She took off mine. Kissed her. Bit her lip. She bit mine. Never done that so I did it again. She cried out a little but she bit me harder back. Took off her skirt. She took off my pants. I took off my underwear. She took off hers. Then I was on top of her and she was beneath me. Kissing so fast. Eyes open. Our eyes were never open. But I wanted to see her. I wanted to see if it was okay. I wasn't going to ask. I couldn't ask. If I asked, she might say no. But if we just got closer and closer and closer and she didn't say anything, then she might mean yes.…

 

65

Carolina …

Trevor was naked and I could feel him, his penis, the tip, I could feel it on my, you know, and it kept rubbing against me and it felt so good. So tingling. Shivers. I wanted to laugh. But not laugh out loud. I kept my eyes open because I wanted him to know it was okay. I wanted to see what he looked like when it happened.

I kept scrunching my butt lower so that I would be closer to him, so that he would know he could do it. Why can't we just talk about it? We should. We weren't wearing a condom. Oh my gosh. We didn't have a condom. But it was okay. You can't get pregnant on your first time. Obviously you can. I'm not stupid. But it wouldn't happen. We would be fine. And I didn't want to stop. I wanted to have sex. I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to be with Trevor forever.

 

66

Trevor …

“I love you, Carolina,” I said.

“I love you, Trevor.”

“I love you so much, Carolina.”

“I love you so, so much, Trevor.”

“I'll love you forever.”

“I'll love you forever.”

“I…” I started, but then I could feel my penis slip inside so I couldn't talk. More than just the tip. It was more than just more than the tip. It was like my whole body went inside her and she was this huge warm lake and I was swimming. That's so dumb. But it felt true. Like this is exactly where my penis should be. It knew it should be. It wanted to be just like this, in Carolina, forever.

“Ah,” Carolina said. I had forgotten about her. Not forgotten. I mean, I was having sex with her. But I'd forgotten to ask how it felt for her. Goddamn, I screwed up.

“Does it feel okay?”

“Yeah,” she said. But she was lying.

“Do you want me to stop?” Please don't tell me to stop. Please don't tell me to stop. Please don't tell me to stop.

 

67

Carolina …

“No,” I said. And I meant it. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to have sex. I
was
having sex.

Wait a minute.

Wait. A. Minute.

I was having sex. SEX.

It didn't hurt.

Everyone on the internet said it would hurt.

It didn't.

It didn't feel good. I mean, it felt great to share this moment with Trevor but physically it didn't feel good. It didn't hurt either. There wasn't, like, real pain. It just, you know, felt like it didn't belong. So weird. Like he was a round peg and I was a square hole except, I guess, he would really be a square peg and I would be a round hole. I don't even know what I'm saying.

His face was so happy. So happy. That felt nice. It felt so nice to have Trevor so happy. I thought we were going to break up, but now we were having sex and I was making him so happy we would never break up. I really hope we don't get pregnant. I want to spend forever with him, but I don't want to have a baby or an abortion. What would I do? Oh my gosh, I should tell him to stop. To get a condom. But I don't want to ruin our first time. This is so important.

Except this is not as great as I thought it would be. I mean, it's important. But it's just … not amazing. I shouldn't say that! It's great. It's great! It's just not a big deal. It's a HUGE deal because it's my first time and he's my soul mate. I'm just saying the feeling, the actual feeling of having a penis inside is … kind of boring. Oh my gosh, I just said it was boring. I don't mean that. I mean that I thought it would be this earth-shattering thing, like jumping out of an airplane in space or something, but instead it's just … what it is.

Trevor said, “This is the greatest feeling I've ever had.”

Oh gosh, I smiled so big. I even forgot how it felt awkward and boring for a second. And for that second, our eyes were so close and so deep and our bodies were so, so, so together and it was like, if we could stay just like this forever, then everything between us would always be okay.

But then, you know, he came.

 

Part Four

FIGHTERS FOR A SEMESTER

 

68

Trevor knows how technology works

After we finished having sex, and I pulled out, I realized I wasn't wearing a condom. The thought might have crossed my mind before we started, but I ignored it. I just wanted to do it so badly I didn't think. I'm such an idiot. I can't believe how out of control I was. Everything was supposed to be perfect, but I couldn't even put on a condom.

But it felt so good. So f-ing good I don't know how people do anything but have sex if they are adults and don't have school or parents. Wouldn't Carolina and I just do it all day, every day? Maybe eat. Of course eat. And sleep. But not much. Just have sex. Feel what I just felt. It was literally, literally like I was transported into another world where your whole body can fly through a beautiful, soft, tingling cloud. Crap. I suck at describing stuff. I mean, it was the most awesome fucking thing ever, okay? It just was.

A half hour later, after we had told each other how much we loved each other over and over, I wanted to have sex again. Carolina said okay if we could wear a condom. Of course. So I got the condom box that my mom gave me from my room and we had sex again.

It didn't feel as good. But it was still great. Still incredible. And Carolina was more comfortable, and she even moaned I think. Which made me feel like I was good at sex. Which is the most important thing. I only want to have sex with Carolina if it feels good for her. If she orgasmed right now, while we were having sex the second time, I think it would be a sign that our love was more powerful and important than even I could fathom.

But she didn't. I came again. Then I threw the condom into the toilet and flushed.

*   *   *

She texted her dad at midnight to come get her because my mom hadn't come home yet. He didn't respond, so she called him ten minutes later. He didn't pick up. So I called my mom. She didn't pick up either. Then her dad texted:

CAROLINA'S DAD ON HER PHONE

Be there in thirty

“You live two minutes away,” I said.

“He was probably sleeping,” Carolina said. And then I realized I shouldn't say anything. I knew I shouldn't even before I got a text from my mom that said:

MY MOM ON MY PHONE

on my way home

“That from your mom?” Carolina asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“What did she say?”

“She's still downtown with her friend.”

*   *   *

I kissed Carolina every second that we waited for her dad to arrive. I loved her so much I didn't know how to talk anymore. I wished we were the only two people in the world. Or at least the only two people in our families.

When her dad arrived, she ran out to his car. I watched from the front door. It hurt so much to watch her leave I couldn't move. Not even twenty seconds after they drove out of sight my mom pulled down the street and opened the garage. Adults think they are so smart. Adults think we don't see things. Think we don't know things. But we know everything. Everything. Man, I wish we didn't. I wish I didn't. But I do. I know fucking everything, and it's going to be impossible to be happy if I know fucking everything.

I sat in the kitchen on a stool facing the door to the garage. My mom walked in. She looked worn. Tired. Stressed. I fucking hated her.

“Why are you still up?”

But I didn't say anything.

“Sorry I'm so late. Katie and I lost track of time,” she said. Just talking, talking, talking her crap. Like she could fool me by talking her crap, crap, crap. Like she could fool the world with it.

Me? I just kept staring at her. Hating her. Letting her know I knew everything.

“What's wrong? You're being weird, Trevor. Go to bed.”

Still didn't say a word.

“Good night, Trevor,” she said, and walked past me, not looking at me. Not looking at me because I could see right into her rotten, selfish soul and she didn't want to see me seeing it.

*   *   *

The next day, I stayed locked in my room. Lily knocked and asked how I was. I said I was tired. Which was true. Tired of all of existence. My mom knocked too, but I just ignored her.

She said, “You open this door right now and talk to me!”

Ha. Adults think they can lecture you, order you around, when they are twice as irresponsible and twice as childish as any kid. Ha. HA! She left. She knew. She knew I knew. And she didn't want to be around me any more than I wanted to be around her.

Lily said Mom was taking her to a movie. I said have fun. No way was I going. Carolina and I texted a bit, but it was just talking love stuff. She was clueless. I couldn't tell her what I knew. Not ever. Carolina wouldn't be able to handle it. She would hate me. I hate me. I hate my mom because she makes me hate me.

*   *   *

After Lily and my mom left, I went to my parents' bedroom and found my mom's iPad. I opened up the Messages app. See, if you have an iPhone and an iPad like my mom, messages go to both unless you disconnect them. My mom probably doesn't even remember this. Because adults are dumb when they are being pathetic.

It was there. Right at the top. Right at the goddamn top. “Midnight Dog,” it said his name was. I could feel this wild black rat eating my insides one big bite at a time. I opened the messages and … aw, crap … crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap … I can't look at this.

No kid should have to look at this. Ever.

There was sex talk and pictures—pictures of my mom! of my mom!—and I just threw it on the ground and almost stepped on it. To smash it. To make it all go away. But I just stumbled back. I was so weak. I couldn't stand. My head was so fuzzy. I looked down and moved fast, back to my room. I ran into the doorjamb because I couldn't look up and then I slammed my door and locked it even though I was home alone.

I flung myself face-first onto my bed and screamed into the pillow. Screamed so loud I thought I'd put a hole in it. Aw, man, what was I supposed to do now? Aw, aw, aw, this hurt so much I wanted to take the whole world in my hands and squeeze it into nothingness so no one would feel this helpless and horrible ever again.

 

69

Carolina goes to a motel

Trevor acted weird on Saturday. He was so happy with me during sex and after and then he was different. That's what happens in movies. Girls finally have sex with their boyfriends and then the boys become jerks. But Trevor wasn't that way. He couldn't be. He was my Prince Charming. He couldn't be a jerk from the movies.

He didn't ask if we were hanging out Saturday night all day, which he always does, so finally around two p.m., I asked if he was mad at me. He texted:

TREVOR

You are my soul mate and I would

die for you.

That was intense, even more intense than we usually get. So I asked:

ME

Are you okay?

TREVOR

I'm going to walk over to your house

and then just want to walk around

and we can eat and do anything and

go anywhere but let's be by

ourselves, k?

I said okay even though it was really scary.

*   *   *

But when Trevor knocked on my door, he looked amazing and so in love with me I thought I could float off the ground. Trevor didn't want to come into the house to say hi to my dad, so I yelled good-bye and he took my hand and we started walking.