"Every lover I've had since that night, they've been everything you're not. They've been high-powered, business executives. They've been cold where you're warm. Distant where you're welcoming. Selfish where you're giving. I fucking hate condoms, but I used them all the fucking time. I couldn't bear the thought of it not being you that I was inside of. I hated them, me, you...
But I fucked them, hard. Gave them the release they wanted and left their beds when it was all over. They didn't care; neither did I. I didn't really want them. I just wanted you out of my system, but the more I fucked, the more it was you I wanted." He lowered his head and kissed her stomach, pressing his forehead to her. He inhaled deeply and moaned. "What did you goddamn do to me?"
Blue couldn't help the tear that streamed from the corner of her eye. She did to him what she did to herself. Broke hearts. She thought it was because her aunt had died that she was feeling so off kilter the night she'd met Cort, so vulnerable and weakened, but it wasn't that at all. It was him. And it was why she'd run.
He lifted his head and shoved himself off the bed. Blue started to lower her arms and legs.
She wanted to go to him, hold him, but the look he shot in her direction froze her in place. Pain.
Anger. Lust. Love. All of them hitting her at once.
"Don't fucking move," he growled.
She shook her head. Nope. She couldn't have moved, even though she'd wanted to. He left the room only to return before she could form any thought at all. He dropped his duffle bag on the corner of the bed and rifled through it, coming up with a condom.
"Fucking hate these goddamn things."
"Don't use one," she uttered. One side of her brain told her it was a foolish thing to trust him, but the other side of her brain, her heart, her gut all told her she
could
trust him. He wouldn't lie to her about something like this, not when he'd been prepared to use one anyway.
His look pinned her more than his hands and his body had done. His eyes were full of fire, and his lips were curled into a cruel sneer she found to be one of the hottest looks she'd ever seen. That look made her whole body throb in need.
"No dice. Using one."
Blue nodded, mute. Was he afraid of pregnancy? Afraid that she hadn't been as careful these last years as he had? She'd be willing to bet she hadn't had as many partners as he had, but she didn't argue with him. If it made him feel better to use one, as long as he fucked her, it really didn't matter to her.
He tore the foil envelope open with his teeth and pulled the circle of latex out. She wanted to roll it on him. She wanted to wrap her hands around his cock and stroke him while she covered him in the offending piece that would keep his skin from touching hers. But she didn't dare attempt it. She didn't want to risk him walking out, no matter how open and exposed and unguarded she felt laying there on her super comfy bed with her arms over her head and her knees up at her chest with her sex and ass spread obscenely wide.
He knelt on the bed again and inched his way toward her. "I've never seen a more sexually blatant pose. Most women, in this position, would turn my stomach. It would be nothing more than cheap porn. But you, God, Blue, you're so beautiful, so lush. It hurts to look at you, but hell if I can stop."
He started to say something else, and she swore, if he did, she wouldn't be able to keep from crying. Thankfully he hadn't seen the tear earlier, but she wouldn't be able to hide these. He didn't speak again, though. He just leaned forward and thrust inside her in one long, hard push.
Blue grunted as her ass lifted off the bed and brushed his thighs. It was an inevitable move when he pressed on her knees again, but then raised her legs over his shoulders, changing his angle and depth. The heels of his hands pressed into the front of her shoulders, and he fucked her. That's the only word for what he was doing. It was hard and unforgiving, and though it was loaded with emotion, it wasn't in any way flattering or soft. He was taking his hurt and anger out on her, on her body, and if she was any other woman, she'd probably be offended and pissed off, but damn if it didn't turn her on. He could use her body all he wanted to slake his lust and work out his emotions. She'd still be on the other side of it all, waiting for him with open arms and an open heart.
He just needed to know he could trust her and maybe the small gesture of staying put when he'd told her to would start to build that bridge. Maybe it would prove to him that she wouldn't run this time.
"So fucking good," he muttered.
His eyes were tightly shut as he pumped in and out. The force should have been shoving her up the bed, but his hold on her kept her stationary, kept her tense and unable to move much more than he allowed. His pelvic bone pushed into her clit, and the head of his cock rubbed over the answering spot inside her. He had her completely at his mercy, under his power, and the look of pleasure on his face was enough to have kept her there even without the pressure of his body.
But then, she liked his body on top of hers, pushing inside her, filling her, touching her.
"Can you come this way, Blue?" He rolled his hips and ground himself against her mound, against her clit. "Can you? Can you come with me inside you?"
She nodded emphatically, but his eyes were still closed. "Yes. Yes I can." She was so close already, so near to the edge that all it would take was a few more minutes of him doing exactly what he was doing for her to go on over.
His eyes popped open, and he focused on hers.
Oh hell.
Pure heat filled his gaze, and she couldn't do anything to fight against the intensity. She pressed her heels into his shoulders and used her legs as leverage to fuck his cock as hard as he was fucking her cunt. They worked together, pushing and pulling, pressing and tugging, grinding against one another. Her breasts bounced up, sideways. The unencumbered sex just turned her on more.
She didn't usually lose herself in sex; she didn't usually lose control. She could get wild and she knew it, but with Cort, now and in the past, she couldn't help it, couldn't stop it even if she'd tried. She let everything in her out and gave as good as she got.
"Yes, baby, fuck me."
Blue twisted her free hand around and grabbed hold of the bed coverings. It was the only thing she had to anchor herself, though Cort kept her held down pretty effectively. She just needed to hold something because when she flew apart ...
"Cort," she groaned, anxiety and need coming through loud and clear in the throaty word.
"I know."
"I need..."
"Take it, then. Give it to me."
He stopped moving and ground himself against her again. Small, very minute movements of his hips that pushed his pelvis into her clit. The way he flexed his cock inside her. The look in his eyes.
"Fucking come, Blue," he uttered through clenched jaws.
Her breath caught at the sound of her name, the way he said it, desperate and full of something she'd never heard before. She opened her mouth, and what started out as a soundless cry became a loud, whimpering one broken only by her gasping breaths.
She shook her head and closed her eyes against the pleasure that just kept flowing through her body.
Cort's fingers flexed over her shoulders. "Look at me."
She couldn't. It was too much, too intense a feeling, something she hadn't felt in longer than she could remember, if ever. It flayed her open and she--
"Goddammit, I said look at me."
The heat in his voice compelled her, and the second she opened her eyes, he pulled out and thrust back inside her, his balls connecting with her ass. He trembled as he came. His eyes stayed focused on hers, and she was nothing short of mesmerized by the darkness, the desperate need filling them.
His hold loosened, and he knelt up. He turned his head and kissed the inside of her right calf, the gesture tender, even though his facial countenance was feral at best.
"That," he said against her skin, his eyes once again closing and effectively shielding him away from her, "was me returning the favor."
Cort pulled Blue in close and buried his face in her mane of curls. He hadn't meant to stay after the sex. He hadn't meant to fall asleep with her in his arms, curled around her as though he belonged in her bed, or with her anywhere at all. No, what he'd meant to do was walk out on her, leave her sleeping, repay her for the biggest infraction of all between them.
He'd pinned her, held her down during sex as she'd done to him by the front door. He'd told her he owed her for that. He'd paid her back for it, but for her walking out on him years ago? No, he still owed her that one. Didn't he? She'd charmed him, dazzled him, fucked him more completely than any other woman in his life ever had. She'd made him fall in love with her when he'd swore he'd never give a woman that kind of power again.
Love at first sight. Twice in his life it had hit him, making him cross-eyed and stupid. He'd fallen for a pretty smile, a beautiful laugh, an intelligent mind, and a sexual appetite that just wouldn't fucking quit. And what had it gotten him? Nothing but hurt.
He'd made a vow after both women had come and gone from his life that there'd be no more letting his guard down, no more letting anyone in. Once was bad enough, but twice… Yet where was he? Naked in Blue's bed, with his dick hard, and his heart yearning.
She shifted in her sleep, rolling over onto her stomach. She pulled one leg up, bent at the knee, and left the other straight along his. He drew his hand down over her hip and back around to her full ass, caressing her.
He could dip his hand lower and stroke her pussy, which he was almost positive he'd find wet. Her body responded to his without him even having to touch her, same as his responded to her. He fought against stroking those slick wet folds, fought against giving them both the pleasure they each craved. She might be asleep, but she was reaching out to him, offering herself to him. He knew that as sure as he knew his own name.
He wanted to leave. He wanted to slip away and disappear from her life. He wanted to make her hurt, and he knew if he walked out, she would. He'd seen it in her eyes a few times when she'd looked at him that it's what she was expecting. He'd seen the hesitancy, the fear. She was waiting for him to leave, for him to give the final payback.
Watching her sleep so soundly, tucked so trustingly against him contradicted those things he'd glimpsed, though, those uncertainties and insecurities, those fears she didn't think he'd seen, those fears he didn't want to know anything about. He was a different man now. He didn't want that kind of responsibility in his life. He didn't want to care about anyone, especially her.
And he was also full of shit.
He lifted his head from the pillow and turned so he could see the clock, disturbing her as little as possible. He might be full of shit on the not wanting to care part, but at the moment, he didn't want to talk to her, didn't want to confront any of this with her awake. He wanted to work some of it out in his head first.
It was just past one in the afternoon and still raining. He heard thunder clap in the distance, and the afternoon light wasn't any better than it had been earlier that morning when she'd woken him with a cup of coffee.
His mouth watered at the thought. Another cup sounded great.
Cort slowly inched his body away from Blue's and made it off the mattress without her realizing it. She snuggled deeper into her pillow, and he tiptoed out of her bedroom and down the hall to the kitchen.
It felt oddly natural standing naked in Blue's house, going through cabinets looking for coffee cups. He waited for the crawl of unease to slither up his spine as he set about heating water for the French press. He found the coffee grounds in a cabinet along with the cups he'd been searching for. How much coffee should he make? Enough for both of them? Enough for just him? How long would she sleep?
"Shit." He gripped the edge of the counter and leaned into it, hanging his head.
It had become his favorite word. He never used to use it, rarely had occasion to, but since arriving at Blue's place yesterday, he found himself either thinking it or uttering it every chance he got. She was maddeningly beautiful, and more often than not since seeing her again, his body relaxed and turned toward her until his brain realized it and seized up, causing him to tense and fight it.
That seemed to be the his other favorite word now. Beautiful. When he thought about her, that popped into his head too. His body, his heart wanted her, but his mind was completely against it. What was the worst that could happen if he gave in to his desire? His cock perked up at the idea of what happened not long ago in her bed and at her front door. Holding her in his arms, his heart softened toward her. His gut told him she had her reasons for leaving him that night. She'd even tried to tell him, but he wasn't ready to listen.
He'd had his reasons for pushing every woman away when Alicia left him, but he'd never once tried to explain why to anyone.
The water was near boiling, so Cort took it off the burner and poured it carefully into the glass carafe of the French press. He found a small wooden spoon in a crock on the counter and stirred the coffee grounds and water gently before placing the mesh plunger and lid on the carafe to brew.
Rosie had a regular drip coffee maker, so did Decker, and most of the time in the last few days, no matter what he did to it, the coffee tasted like swill. He had no idea what kind of maker Buck and Caroline had, but his Blue, she had a French press. A couple of them actually. He could love her for that alone. If traveling the country working and dating the women he'd dated had taught him anything other than the kind of woman he didn't want, it taught him to appreciate fine coffee.