Forget About Midnight (21 page)

There was a long pause before he answered. When he spoke, his voice was thick with tears. It jarred me. Arys wasn’t much of a crier. “Fuck no, I’m not happy,” he said. “It hurts that you went to him to escape me, but it really fucking kills me that I drove you to it. I wish I could change the way things went down. Yeah, I enjoyed being the one to kill you, but please try to understand it wasn’t about that. It was about having all of you, even your death. I love you, Alexa. More than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything. But this is who I am.”

When I turned back to face him there were blotchy, red tearstains beneath his eyes. It gave him a haunted appearance. I swiped a hand through my own tears, hating that they would never be clear again.

“Is that why you arranged to send him away? Because that’s who you are?” My tone dripped acid. My heart was broken. I saw my torment echoed in Arys, and I couldn’t decide which one of us I hated more for it.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted a big, dramatic apology. He’d apologized for enjoying my death, but he wasn’t willing to go there for the part he played in Kale’s certainty that he should leave.

I opened my mouth and closed it. If I spoke now I would say something horrible that I could never take back. This vicious, mean side of me wanted to spit it out anyway, to tell Arys that I’d never forgive him for toying with my life. I wanted to say he’d damaged things between us in a way that we would never come back from, to tell him I didn’t even want to.

That side of me came from the dark that rooted in my core. I had sense enough to realize that and to keep my mouth shut, no matter how hard it might be. That wasn’t who I was.

Choosing to say nothing at all, I gathered my bag and dagger and shoved by him to the front door. Arys shadowed me, unwilling to let me slam the door in his face.

“Goddammit, Alexa. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. You can’t shut me out. I’m inside you, all the time. And you’re inside me. We’re not meant to be apart. Don’t do this.”

He followed me inside. I didn’t try to stop him, but I had to get him to leave before sunrise trapped us together all day.

“I miss you,” I said as I strode down the long entry hall to the kitchen and dropped my things on the table. “I do. Painfully. But I need to be alone right now.”

The last time I’d spent any time at home was the night of Kylarai and Coby’s wedding. They were still gone on their honeymoon, blissfully unaware of what had happened to me since they’d left. I flicked on the lights and surveyed the kitchen and living room. Nothing had changed in my absence. Only me.

“I get it. I’ll leave but not until you hear me out.” He leaned heavily on the kitchen counter and ran a hand through his hair, clutching a handful as he did. It was something Shaz would do. Just how much time were they spending together?

I turned to face him, keeping the island between us. “Fine. Say what you have to say.”

For a moment he just stared at me. There was such agony in his gaze. It speared me, reaching into my soul to drag out the emotion I kept stuffing back down inside me.

“I’m sorry about Sinclair,” Arys began, saying Kale’s name like it was something sour he had to spit out. “I know that I have no right to make decisions for you. When you ran to him instead of me, it damn near killed me. My reaction was not respectful of you, although I stand firmly in my opinion that it’s best for him to go. But the last thing I wanted was for you to despise me. I want you to need me, because I need you in ways I can barely wrap my head around. Please, forgive me.”

The hum of the refrigerator was ridiculously loud in the sudden quiet. I was both subdued and angered by his words, a strange combination that made me want to both hug him and claw his eyes out.

I tried to choose my words carefully, finding it extremely difficult. “Kale wants to go. He sees it as an opportunity for us to get some distance. I know he’s right, but that doesn’t make what you did any easier to accept, Arys. You don’t get to make my decisions. I won’t stand for it. This is the last time. If you do this again… I’m done. With everything.”

Saying such things to him was like tearing my heart out with my own hands and crushing it to a bloody pulp. It never should have come to this. Again I thought of Lilah and how she and her twin flame Salem had failed to maintain the stronghold of their bond. They’d fallen victim to the conflict and the forces seeking to separate them. I didn’t want that for Arys and me, but I wouldn’t live in a cage designed by our bond.

With a shaky sigh, I continued, “Don’t you see what’s happening to us? We’re going to end up just like Lilah and Salem, completely destroyed by our bond instead of united. Nothing terrifies me more than the thought of that happening to us.”

Arys paced into the living room where he took a moment to absorb everything I’d said. The atmosphere was heavy with despair. “But why him, Alexa? Why go to him? He’s a fucking lunatic, and all he’s done is teach you how to be one too.” Arys’s eyes flashed with hatred, and he clenched a fist as if imagining what he’d like to do to Kale.

“That’s why he’s leaving,” I snapped. “He knows that we bring out the worst in each other. But that first morning when I ran to the graveyard and waited for sunrise to free me from this hell, he was the one who made me believe I could handle it. He was the one who saved me that day. So you’d better find it in you to accept that, without him, I wouldn’t be standing here right now.”

Making a frustrated noise, I sat down at the table and put my head in my hands. When had everything gotten so complicated?

After a few minutes Arys approached me. He dropped to his knees before me and pulled my hands away so he could look at my face. Arys never wasted words. So instead of trying to console me with empty promises or false comforts, he simply pulled me into his arms.

The stubborn side of me wanted to resist, but every part of me that was his crumbled in relief. I sank down to the floor beside him, letting him pull me in against his chest. Silent tears ran down my cheeks. Every time I thought I had it all figured out, I was forced to realize how very wrong I was.

Arys never said a word. He just held me. Something inside me that had been broken felt renewed. But it was like a shattered vase glued back together, fixed but not whole. These jagged tears might always be with us.

“I thought I would wait forever for you,” Arys said after much time had passed. “That hasn’t changed. I will do anything for you. I’m sorry that it also means doing things I shouldn’t.”

I shook my head and choked on a sob but said nothing. I couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come, probably best that they didn’t. So I squeezed my eyes shut tight and held on to him, wishing that it was enough.

When I didn’t speak, he pressed on, seeking to say everything before he lost the chance. “Alexa, you need to let me guide you through this. I can help you. Shaz can help you. If you would just let us in, we can help you through this transition without losing what’s left of your sanity. I don’t want you to turn out like me. You’re too good for that.”

I pulled back to look at him through blurry, bloody eyes. “Shaz? Do you know how hard it is to look at him and not see him as a toy that I want to play with? I can’t feed from him, Arys. Not anymore.”

“Of course I know how hard it is. I’ve looked at you both the same way for the last year, but I have control, and you will too. But you have to start mastering it now, or you never will.” He stroked a hand through my hair, twisting it around his finger like he so often did. “You can’t keep shutting Shaz out. It’s confusing and unfair to him. He loves you.”

I searched his deep-blue eyes, wondering at what point he’d gone from merely tolerating Shaz to liking him. It wasn’t a bad thing, though it was confusing. “Shaz won’t find the happiness he deserves with me, and you know it,” I said. “He should be with someone who can give him what he needs. Someone who still has a mortal heartbeat.”

Arys cocked his head and gave me a stubborn, thin-lipped smile. “Why don’t you let him make that decision for himself? Isn’t that the same thing you’re asking for?”

Spending several lifetimes with Arys was going to get old fast if he didn’t stop being right at some point. I wanted to frown but found myself smiling just a little.

“What’s with you two anyway?” I asked, giving him a playful punch in the shoulder. “When did you guys go from throwing punches and snark to a full on bromance?”

“Bromance?” Arys scoffed. “Trust me. I took a few punches over the last week when I wouldn’t let Shaz go and drag you out of Sinclair’s house. But something did change for us this week. For once we were on the same side, both hurting in the same way for the same woman. It did something to us, something good I think. I guess we’ll see.”

A warmth filled me. It genuinely moved me to hear that they were bonding. It meant that no matter what happened to me, I could count on them to take care of each other. A heavy sense of relief accompanied that knowledge.

I touched Arys’s face, and he leaned into it, kissing my hand. There had been a time when he’d been cast in the role of the bad guy. Both Kylarai and Shaz had disliked and mistrusted him. That hadn’t been fair. Arys was far from perfect, but he was a good man underneath it all. I was starting to feel like I didn’t deserve to be part of someone so steadfast and strong.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you.” It was all I could muster before tears threatened again. Cursed emotions. “I’m starting to think it’s always going to be this way. Endless conflict until it finally destroys us. I’d hoped that would change after we stopped Shya. But I feel now like it only made things worse.”

Arys cupped my face in his hands and kissed me. Then against my lips he whispered, “We are not Lilah and Salem. Conflict may be part of our union, but it will not destroy us. It can only do that if we let it. And I’m not going down that way. Ok?”

I nodded as more tears spilled from my eyes. Arys brushed them away, doing little more than smearing blood across my face, but the gesture was heartfelt.

“I hate myself,” I blurted, the confession refusing to be withheld. “For the things I’ve done. The things I’ll do. I don’t know who I am anymore, but right now, I hate myself.”

Arys winced as if I’d wounded him. Guilt shone in his eyes. “I want to be sorry that I made you this way, but I’m not. Because you’re here and not dead, and I can’t be sorry that you’re not dead.”

“Arys, this isn’t your fault. The things I’ve done, that’s all me.”

“It’s not though. It’s the light and dark battle going on inside you. It’s tormenting you, and part of that is my fault.” Guilt didn’t seem natural on Arys. It wasn’t right. I’d humanized him in our time together. We’d changed each other for both good and bad. Such a double-edged sword.

The sun was going to rise soon. I glanced toward the living room window both welcoming and dreading it. As good as it felt to be in Arys’s arms, I really did need some time completely alone.

Following my gaze Arys said, “I should go. I want to ask you to reconsider turning yourself in to the FPA, but I know you’re not going to. But know this: if Briggs doesn’t get you out, I’m coming in after you.”

My initial reaction was to protest, to remind him of what that building had done to him. His eyes flashed with venom for Briggs, and I knew he wouldn’t be dissuaded. So instead I just nodded, accepting that we couldn’t always control each other and shouldn’t even try.

“Ok,” I said with a small smile.

“Ok?” He echoed. “That was easy. Too easy. Now I’m suspicious.”

We shared a laugh, and after the hell we’d both been through, it felt so damn good. He rose and pulled me up with him. We stood in the kitchen, clinging to each other until the coming dawn drove us apart.

I followed him down the hall to the entryway with so many questions and comments that there was no time to voice. So I settled for another longing embrace that left me more confused than ever.

“Can I see you after sunset?” Arys looked so hopeful. It wasn’t like him to let his vulnerable side show.

“What about Jenner? It’s his last night here. Maybe you should be with him.”

Arys snickered. “So I can beat his ass for biting you tonight? Good idea.”

I couldn’t get anything past this vampire. I’d hate to meet the person who could outsmart Arys Knight. I doubted such a being existed.

“You can’t really blame him, Arys. We did that to him. Besides, I was the one in control of that situation. It was just a bite. I rejected his further advances.” I conveniently left out the part where I made Jenner swear no harm would come to Kale.

“I love the guy, really, but I’ll be relieved when he’s gone. He’s high maintenance.” Arys laughed and opened the door. The sky was beginning to lighten, shades of black that thinned with the approach of the sun.

He kissed me, a tender brush of lips that stirred my longing for him. Maybe one day we could love each other again without the ghosts of our many mistakes haunting us.

No sooner had I closed the door than the sound of my cell phone came from the kitchen. I sprinted down the hall to grab it, expecting it to be Jez or Briggs. It was Kale.
Fuck
.

“Please don’t be mad,” I said instead of the standard greeting. “I had to come home.”

A sigh in my ear was his initial response. “I’m not mad. I’m disappointed that every time something happens that you don’t want to deal with, you run. You ran to me, and now you’re running from me.”

I stood in the kitchen in front of the glass patio doors, watching the sky lighten. With the phone pressed to my ear, I nodded to myself, acknowledging the truth in his words. “You’re right. It feels like things are changing too fast, and I’d like to stick my head in the sand and pretend none of it is happening, but I can’t. I don’t want you to go to Vegas even though I know it will be good for both of us.” I squinted against the coming dawn. How long would I be able to stand there in the window before it grew bright enough to roast me?

“I’m not leaving without seeing you,” he said. “You have to give me that much.”

“Jenner has a flight booked. Two nights.”