Forgive Me (14 page)

              Faith tilts her head and looks to be confused about where this is going and I sort of laugh at that. I finish my story anyways. “I’ve not had a boyfriend, or even a one night stand, nothing, since I left Texas way back when. Last night was the first time I’ve had sex since I was fourteen. Then again this afternoon.” My face is now thirty shades of red, I can feel it, but I keep going. “It was with Tanner. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but he was at the club we went to and we were dancing, and he was well, turning me on, and we just went back to his place without a second thought.”

              Her jaw drops and I want to use my finger to close it but I can’t because I’m too busy twisting the blankets in my hands. “Oh shit,” she says.

              “Yeah, exactly. I don’t know why but I just felt these feelings for him I have never felt, well, not since Zander. They were different, though. I can’t explain it at all, I wish I could though. Then he came home from work early today and I was so happy that I couldn’t contain my smiles. When he dropped me off here, he said he wanted to hang out again. But I’m scared.”

              She reaches over and after yanking the poor blanket out of my hand, she grasps my hand in hers and with a smooth, comforting voice, gives me reason. “Its sort of like losing your virginity. I know you lost it when you were young, but its been a decade since then you’ve experienced anything like that. You basically re-lost it a second time. First off, I’m not going to say how lucky you are, especially between Zander and Tanner.” She winks and smiles before continuing. I just laugh softly and listen to her. “Most girls feel connected to the guy they lose their virginity to. Its very natural. I’m really not surprised at all that you have feelings of some sort. Just clear your head and remember that what you guys have is sexual chemistry. Maybe its more, but then again, maybe its not. Its okay to have that kind of chemistry, in fact, its wonderful and I’m glad you can feel that, but don’t mix those emotions with things like love. Its way too soon for that.”

              “You’re right. Thank you. I needed to hear that. Not that I thought I loved him, I don’t think I could ever love anyone but-“ I pause and look away. “But I definitely feel infatuated. I’m lusting after him. Is that wrong?” I turn back to her.

              “There is nothing wrong with being in lust.”

              I smile at her, feeling much better than I did. So I can have a sexual relationship and lust after Tanner, while secretly loving Zander, even though I know I’ll never have him.
Ugh.
It’s all my own fault though, so I can’t feel bad for myself. I won’t feel bad for myself.

              Faith stands up and starts to walk towards the door. “I’m glad we got to talk,” she says. She turns to look at me with her hand on the knob, not opening the door quite yet. “I’m really glad we can be friends, Lexi. I hope you think about staying around longer, but I understand if you can’t.”

              “Yeah, if I wasn’t so invested in my job back home and Justin wasn’t as involved with things at school, I don’t think I’d even question living here. Its nice to know we’re welcomed and loved.”

              “Of course you both are, by all of us. You can find a new job and he’d love the schools around here. I was talking about the love of your life marrying someone else. I’m not sure I’d be strong enough to stick around, either.” With a smile, she opens the door and walks out of the room, closing it behind her.

              As soon as it latches I lay back in a huff. Is that really why I don’t want to stay around? Honestly, I don’t even know. However, the second she said that, my heart started pounding harder and I could feel sweat forming on the back of my neck.

The most important thing is to enjoy your life,

To be happy,

It’s all that matters.

–Audrey Hepburn

              It’s been two days since I’ve seen or talked to Tanner or Zander. My head has finally started to clear up, especially as I process more of Faith and I’s conversation. With Justin working with Gunner, Clay and Faith at work, Bray dealing with things between her husband and herself, I’ve been left alone a lot.

              I talked with Bray last night a little more, and she said that her husband that she was divorcing, has now decided he wants to make things work. She said she wants to stay with him, and I couldn’t be happier, if that is what she really wants. The way she talked about him, they seemed perfect for one another. Apparently this weekend coming up, I’ll get to meet him, so I can decide for myself if he is worthy of Bray.

              Currently I’m staring at a text message from Tanner. It’s the third one he has sent in the last forty-eight hours. I haven’t replied to any yet. He wants to hang out tomorrow night and I’m still debating on what to say to him. I’m still debating on if I want to or not. Okay, well, yeah, I want to. I want to very bad. I’m just not sure if its smart. Then I think more about what Faith says, and we do have the sexual chemistry and it
is
okay to be in lust with someone. Therefore, I should say yes. I just can’t bring my fingers to type out those words.

              As I bring my finger to the ‘y’ button, my phone starts to vibrate and Texas area code number pops up. I have most everyone’s numbers in my phone, all but one. Zander. With a deep breath, I slide the green button to the right and answer the call.

              “Hello?” I answer.

              “Hey, its me.” With a pause, he continues. “Zander.”
Oh trust me, I know who it is.

              Pulling off the whole cool and collective attitude, I reply to him. “Yeah, hey. What’s up?”

              He chuckles slightly in my ear and it warms my heart. “So, I was wondering if we could do that, uh, dinner tonight?”

              It’s probably a good thing he can’t see the smile that spreads across my face at his simple question. He’d certainly think something was wrong with me. “Yeah, I know Justin is really looking forward to it, so tonight should be good. Could you, um, possibly pick us up?” I can’t even attempt to control the butterflies that flutter through my insides at that thought. Like we’re a real family. Although, that thought is ridiculous and quickly dismissed.

              “Yeah, sure. I’ll see y’all around five then?”

              Again, smiling, I tell him I’ll see him then. The phone call ends pretty much immediately and up pops the message from Tanner, the one I was going to reply to before being interupted by Zander. I decide to answer him, this time with a little more confidence.
Sorry, can’t tonight. Maybe tomorrow or something.

              I’ve never seen Justin more excited than when I told him we were finally having dinner with his father. He’s never had a father figure in his life, and I’m surprised the child is as smart, healthy, and honest as he is. I read in a magazine, more than once actually, that children that grow up with no male role model typically end up gay, abusive, or into drugs. He is none, and although if he were gay I wouldn’t be upset, the other two would tear me down completely.

              Thankfully Justin is still young, and he has a great head on his shoulders, so I don’t see those things happening to him. Plus, he is into sports which typically helps children stay out of trouble and drugs. It’s the reason I pushed him to try, and having his father’s abilities, he took to them well.

              If we moved to Texas, he could also ranch, and I know that’ll help keep him out of trouble, too. Although, back in Ohio we live in a pretty small town and we have a lot of people surrounding us, people that’ll help keep him on track. Once again, its not like I expect him to, but he is still young and impressionable.

              Ignoring those matters, I finish getting ready. I keep telling myself that I’m not wearing skinny jeans and a tight yellow tank top for any special reason. I also keep telling myself that there is nothing wrong with adding extra makeup to my eyes, or a necklace that dips into my cleavage. I have zero reasons to impress Zander, and I also have no reason to have these darn butterflies deep in my belly.

              Once I’m done getting ready, I knock on Justin’s door. Once he tells me to enter, I walk in and see that he is having just as many issues with looking nice as I did. I walk all the way in and pull out a nice button up green shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans. “Here, he isn’t going to even pay attention to what you’re wearing, he just wants to get to know you. The real you. And I know for certain he’ll be impressed. You’re the best son anyone could ever ask for you.” I grab his cheeks and press my lips to his forehead.

              “Thanks ma,” he tell me with a bashful smile. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”

              I sit down on the bed and look around the room while he quickly changes. “I’m sorry Justin. This is all my fault. You shouldn’t be nervous about meeting your dad. I’m so sorry it took so long.” Tears start to well in my eyes. This is a mistake I’ll never be able to take back, but at least they’re getting to know one another now. At least their taking that chance.

              “No, it’s really not,” I look up to him as he rests his hand on my shoulder, “but thank you. I’m so happy for you.”

              He grins down at me. “I’m happy too. So you think he’ll like me?”

              “Oh, Justin, he is going to love you.”

              I stand up and help him straighten the collar of his shirt, then the two of us head out together, saying bye to Clay and Faith on the way out of the house. Zander’s truck idles in the driveway as we exit the house, and I’m honestly not sure who is the most nervous. My biggest hope is that they get along perfectly, that Zander wants to be involved in his son’s life, and that they can connect a way a father and son should.

              Opening the back door to the truck, Justin climbs in, then I proceed to take the front seat. Zander is gripping the steering wheel pretty hard when I look in his direction and he is looking straight ahead. I buckle up and look back to make sure Justin is buckled as well, then I look back over to Zander.
This is much more awkward than it should be, that is for sure.
“So… thanks for picking us up.”

              His body tenses for a second before he looks over at me, fear of some sorts evident in his eyes. He clears his throat. “Yeah. You guys like Italian?”

              I smile at him, trying to ease his tension. “We both love it.”

              He nods his head before sliding the truck into reverse and backing out of the drive. I notice he only takes a quick glance at Justin while concentrating extra hard on his driving.

              The ten minute ride to the restaurant is an uncomfortable one to say the least. Once Justin and I hop out of our side of the truck, Zander is waiting for us on his side while rocking on his heels, his hands in his jeans pockets. This is the first time I got a good glimpse at him, and I’m pretty sure he tried just as hard to look decent for Justin. Or possibly even us. His hair looks freshly cut, he is wearing a nice pair of dark blue jeans and a fresh white tee-shirt, possibly newly purchased. I can smell his aroma from here, like musky oak and fresh springs, in other words, like a man should smell.

              He looks down towards the ground for a quick moment and back at us. I want to know so badly what he is thinking, what he is feeling. Of course I have an idea, but I’d like to know it all.

              Zander walks ahead of us into the restaurant, and when we’re seated at a four top table, he takes a chair and looks at the one next to it like its made of lava. Knowing he would feel more comfortable with Justin and I on the other side, I have Justin take the seat closest to the wall and I take the other. The hostess sets down a basket of breadsticks and gives us our menus before walking away.

              The first thing Zander does is picks up the menu, the first thing Justin does is picks up a breadstick, the first thing I do is beg myself to not throw up. I rub my hand over my stomach and count down from ten, trying to concentrate on my breathing. I need to feel relaxed. I need this to all be okay.