Forgive Me (6 page)

              He turns around to grab someone else a beer as I just stand there and stare. When his eyes meet mine again all humor erases from his face. "Shit," he breathes.

              I'm brought back to reality and do my best to smile at him. "Well, it was good seeing you again Tanner. When you see Bray, you can tell her I'm here. I'll be here until my mom croaks, then I'm headed back to Ohio."

              "Uh, yeah, sure. Good seeing you Lex."

              "Yeah, you too." I grab the beers and head back to the table.

              Faith rolls her eyes when I place the drinks down. "Flirting with the bartender. I should have known. He is a good looking fella. You get his number?"

              This time it's my turn to roll the eyes. "He's the younger sibling to my former best friend. We were catching up." I look around once more, seeing if I can spot Bray anywhere. Nothing.

              "Oh snap," Magnolia replies. "Bray and you? That girl is such a character. God love her. I'll invite her to the barbeque tomorrow if you want."

              I smile at her. "Oh, I'd love that! How do you know Bray?"

              "I'm their cousin."

              I knew she looked familiar! I hadn't ever met her but I saw pictures. She lived the next town over, so she didn't go to high school with my brothers, but of course they probably went to college together or something. "Oh, wow. That'd be awesome, thanks."

              "I'll invite Tanner, too," she wiggles her brows.

              "Ah, that is alright. I'm not interested in him like that."

              Faith shoves at my arm as I'm taking another sip. "You may as well get a little action while you’re in town."

              I swear to God Emerson's eyes light up. "You should. Tanner would be a good hook up. Yeah, Magnolia, invite him."

              Wow. I'm anxious to know what Emerson has heard about Zander and I, whether from him or someone else.

              I just shrug my shoulders and take another sip. I'm going to get drunk tonight at this rate, but I think I need it. I think I earned it. "Whatever. I'm not hooking up with anyone, but having a few friends while I'm in town would be nice."

              "Good," Faith says with a smile. "Now drink up, I want to dance!"

              After two more rounds, which I made Faith head to the bar so I wouldn't have to, we make it to the floor. I don't dance, ever, and I'm not even sure if I'm good at it. I follow in step with Faith, copying her moves. She laughs at me but assures me I'm doing fine.

              Emerson leaves the floor, returning minutes later dragging Zander along. I do everything in my power to not even look at them, I don't think I can handle it, especially with some drinks in me. A slow song comes on so Faith, Magnolia, and myself all make our way off the makeshift dance floor.

              "Wanna dance?"

              I turn around to see Tanner. "Aren't you supposed to be tending the bar?"

              "If you weren't avoiding that said bar, you'd have seen that there are two of us. Come on, come dance with me."

              I accept his offer, placing my hand in his. We make it to the floor and he grips into my hips as I hold onto his shoulders. There are a few inches between us, which is needed. I'm a little flustered and overheated right now. Being close to Tanner, especially intoxicated, isn't smart. He is very good looking and I'm jealous of Emerson and Zander, who are dancing just a few feet from us.

              "So, you going to tell me if any of the rumors are true."

              "There is one that is true but I'd rather not discuss it right here."

              His smile grows. "I knew it, you got slaughtered to death. Darn."

              Of course I laugh. I'm sure he got the hint but he is making me feel better about it and that makes me happy. It's not that I'm embarrassed about being pregnant so young, it's not wanting people to know Zander is Justin's dad before Zander even knows. I don't even want to think about how tomorrow will go.

              "So a little birdy came and told me I'm invited to the infamous barbeque at Clay and Faith's tomorrow."

              I smile even bigger. "You going?"

              "Someone has to be there to protect you from my sister from kicking your ass."

              I pause, causing Tanner to pause as well. "Why would she kick my ass?"

              "Lexi, really? Don't want to sound rude, but you took off. A lot of people were pretty upset with you. You never contacted anyone, making the whole story of you getting slaughtered or running away more the real. I think some people wanted to believe you were dead, because it hurt them, especially Bray, a lot less thinking you were murdered than you just ran off without so much as a word. She still Googles your name and tries to find you on Facebook and Twitter. It's a sad but true story."

              My hands drop the same time my jaw does. I guess I always believed everyone would forget about me, and move on as if nothing happened. I didn't think about anyone else’s hurt feelings but my own. I worried for a few months then got over it, thinking I was being selfish by hurting. When I was really being selfish by not contacting anyone. By not even getting social network like I should have.

              I assumed if they worried enough my siblings would have told them I was with my Nan, I was doing well, and that'd be the end of it. How very wrong I was.

              I start to walk away but Tanner grabs at my arm. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

              "You didn't," I attempt to reassure him. I look him in the eyes and see sadness in them, probably mirroring my own. "I just didn't realize my leaving effected anyone. I didn't think anyone would miss me. It's part of the reason I never came back."

              "No offense, but you're about as naive as they come. I watched that fella for weeks." He points off to the distance. I look, no surprise it's Zander- who is looking at me. Weird. "He pounded the shit out of your parent’s front door, begging and pleading for them to give more information as to your whereabouts, when you'd be back, why you really left. He finally gave up, after oh, three or four months. I think your daddy bought a shotgun, actually." He chuckles but I don't find it funny at all. He gets serious again. "And I watched my sister wreck picture frames, rip apart pictures, curse your parents out, and drink her sorrows away. And I'm sure they weren't the only ones disappointed."

              I wipe at the tears forming. Make that four times in one day. Four times. One day. I don't cry! I storm off without a word. I don't know where I'll go but I need to get away. I keep going until I'm in the parking lot, then I search for Gunner's pickup. I'll lay in the back of that until everyone is ready to go.

              Just as I'm climbing up over the tail gate, I'm frozen in place from that sultry, southern voice. One leg is on either side of the tail gate, and I can't move. "You okay?"

              Once I collect myself enough to finish hopping over, I sit down and glance over the top. "Fine."

              His face lifts into an amused smirk. "You ran off nearly in tears. You don't look fine. If Tanner upset you, I'll go fuck him up."

              I roll my eyes. "Stop with the tough act, Zander. It wasn't cute ten years ago, it ain't cute now."

              He chuckles softly and takes the last few steps in my direction. "What made you run off like that then?"

              "Haven't you figured it out by now? I run away when shit gets hard." That is only half true.

              "Nah. That's a lie." He climbs over the tail gate, joining me in the bed of the truck.

              "What are you doing? This is twice in one day you've come after me. You're fiancé probably isn't real impressed."

              He waves it off. "She's a big girl. And she's used to me. I do what I want, including running after someone while I got the chance."

              Ouch.

              I look down at my jeans, picking at a thread that isn't even there. Anything to avoid eye contact with Zander. He doesn't have any idea how much my heart is puttering just at the sight of him, let alone the smell of him or the sound of his voice or his-.

              "Hey, don't act like that. You used to tell me everything."

              I look back up at him. He adjusts his hat, giving me a better view of those chocolate brown eyes that I've dreamt about over a hundred times. "Yeah, well, that was a life time ago. I'm not the same girl I used to be."

              "No, you're certainly not." His eyes roam my body, causing it to heat up. I shift uncomfortably, which causes him to grin at me. "Well, since you're not telling me what upset you, I guess I got to go knock a few punches into Tanner until he tells me."

              He starts to stand and I make the mistake of reaching over and pulling on his hand. I just wanted to make him sit but he falls forward into me. His face just mere inches from mine, his eyes searching mine, like he can see everything I'm thinking. We both just stare at one another until I realize how close I am to kissing him, so I clear my throat and look around, glancing at everything but him.

              Zander pulls back, his hand leaving mine. I didn't realize I was still hanging onto it until that moment. It feels lonely already. I'm pathetic, completely pathetic. I need to become the strong, emotionless, heartless women I was just two days ago, before I landed back in Texas.

              "Tick, tock, I can't sit here all night."

              I look back at him and smile. "No one invited you here."

              "You practically just broke my arm when I tried to leave." He laughs the same time I roll my eyes. "In all seriousness Lex, I just want to know if you're okay. If you don't want to tell me, it's fine. But I saw the way you ran out of there, the tears in your eyes. It may have been a life time ago since we’ve seen each other, but it doesn't mean I don't wanna make sure you're alright."

              "He was just telling me how much I hurt you and Bray, and whoever else when I took off all those years ago. I didn't realize anyone was upset about it, at least not the way he described it."

              "We moved on," he shrugs his shoulder, "for the most part. It hurt like hell, I never understood it. Not sure I ever will. But what happened, happened. No need to stress over it after all these years. You've obviously moved on, as did Bray and I and everyone else. Life goes on Lexi. Time for you to stop living in the past."

              His knee nudges mine, trying to lighten the mood. I'd smile if I could but my chest is heavy, my brain is full, my emotions are in overdrive, and my guilt has taken a nose dive. I'm terrified. If he hurt then, he is going to hurt now.

             
Deep breaths Lexi, deep breaths.

             
"Lexi?" I open the eyes I hadn't realized I closed.

              "Yeah?"

              "Are you honestly okay? Your face is ghost white."

              "Yes... no. I don't know, Zander." My head swarms and I lay back, looking up to the sky. Exhaling a deep breath I whisper softly, "I just don't know."

              The truck sways a little and I'm thinking Zander is about to leave me. I'm not sure why but my heart beats twice as fast as panic settles deep in my chest. Not even seconds later my panic disappears and my heart races for a different reason, as Zander lays next to me, looking up to the sky too.

              "How long you been married?" he asks.

              I'm taken back by his question for a moment until I realize that he knows I have a kid, just not how old said kid is. He knows I made a life of myself and that I stayed away for reasons. He just doesn't know those reasons. So of course, naturally he would assume I'm married. Or at least with someone.

              I don't bother looking at him as I answer. "Never been married."

              I can feel him staring at me now but I don't dare myself to glance at him. He is too hypnotizing. "Boyfriend?"

              When he whispers the question, his breath warms my neck, causing me to shiver. I ignore my racing heart and breathe through my nose. He is only asking if I have a boyfriend, there is no reason to act like a hormonal teen. It doesn't matter how much I'm enjoying his sweet southern drawl, or his raspy, sultry voice, or his whisper that comes out almost predatory. I'm not paying attention to his rough and rugged exterior, while remembering how sweet and comforting his interior is.

              I bite down on my lip and shake my head no. I realize he may not understand I'm answering him because I'm not facing in his direction and I'm laying down. I turn my head to face him- which is a huge mistake- and whisper out my reply. "No."

              We're mere inches from each other once again. I can almost taste his breath everything he exhales through those delicious lips. Lips I haven't tasted in a decade, that I've dreamt about since. Lips I thought I'd never kiss again. Lips that cause my stomach to do things it's never done before. Even between my legs become moistened, and all I'm doing is thinking about his damn lips. Forget the rest of him.

              His eyes flicker down to my own lips and its then I realize that I'm licking at them. My cheeks burn instantly, and as quickly as possible I look back to the sky.

              We both lay here, awkwardly not saying a word to one another. I keep my fingers locked within themselves, placed over my stomach, trying to think of something to say to make this less awkward. Do I apologize even though he told me not to think in the past? Do I blurt out that Justin is his? Do I slowly explain it? Should I do it now or tomorrow, or a different day? Maybe I could just ignore it all together, explain to Justin that Zander is getting married and their planning on having a kid.

              If they have a kid though, it'll be Justin's little brother or sister. He deserves to know his younger sibling.