“
I was scared that you would have thought I was trapping you. You hadn’t called me once or come back and it had been six weeks. By then I had faced the fact that you didn’t want me but I refused to make any decisions before I knew all the facts. I had to go to the Doctor but I wanted to tell you first and give you the option to come home. So I went to your dad and asked him how to contact you. Don’t ask me how he knew but he did and he told me to run and never tell you.”
What.The.Fuck?
“
What?” I snarled. My hands were shaking and I wished I had my longer hair back. I cut the fucking shit because I was constantly pulling it out. No fucking wonder I cut the shit. I couldn’t breathe. I cupped my hands over my face, my eyes burning with an intense need to cry.
For the first time ever, I couldn
’t look at Cassa.
“
He said you would resent me for it and he couldn’t bear to see me hurt. I was so scared and alone I did the only thing I could live with.”
Oh God.
“
Please tell me you didn’t Cass. Tell me you didn’t have my baby alone...or worse.”
Fuck, would my boys hide the fact I had a kid from me? Was I that selfish that they all thought my kid was better off? Words like abortion and adoption ran through my mind but I forced myself to breathe through the anger.
“
I told Cory the baby was his.”
I saw red, literally saw red through my vision and refused to look at her. I tried to breathe but my eyes were burning and my chest was tight. I couldn
’t even think about what that meant for our baby, the thought made me ill.
I couldn
’t formulate a sentence, let alone a word. Grunts and groans were all I was reduced to; and thank God because it scares the shit out of me to think about what might come out of my mouth.
My mother was a saint and she had taught me so little and yet so much before she passed. The one I remember now, while sitting in the center ring of my own personal hell, was her lecture on saying things you can
’t take back.
I had been fighting with my dad about the boat when I wanted to be at Downtown music with the guys instead. I had told her I hated him. She didn
’t say anything to me, just disappeared down the hall, coming back with a tube of Colgate in her hand.
“
Hold out your hand.” She said, and I did. More so out of curiosity than anything. She squeezed a glob of toothpaste from the tube into the palm of my hand, and then handed the tube to me. “Now, to put all that toothpaste into the tube again.”
I looked at her like she was crazy.
“I can’t.” I said.
“
Exactly Shamus.”
Tears dripped from my eyes at the memory and I thanked God for that woman every day and the years I got with her. I don't know why now of all the times to think of her I did, but I did and I knew keeping my mouth shut was best.
“What?” Cassa asked nervously, her fingers knotted together as she twisted and pulled them, just as nervous as me it seemed. Unlike me, she had four years to get used to this bullshit story that was still about to get worse.
“
Just go on.” I said through my pain, no longer giving a shit if she saw how bad this was killing me.
“
We went to Vegas that weekend and eloped. We spent the weekend in our hotel suite as I played the happy wife when he was around, but at night I would cry myself to sleep. I was nine weeks along when I lost the baby.”
All that I heard was dead. My baby is dead. I buried my head and Sass paused in the story. I didn
’t even look at her, my head hanging low I sniffed and cleared my throat. “Just continue.”
She was silent for a second but cleared her throat as well before she continued.
“I figured it had been the stress from my depression but the Dr. told me it was common for someone my age to miscarry the first time. I had only been married for two weeks when I miscarried. Cory started changing then, he was sad at first saying he wanted to start trying the minute we got the OK. I fought him on it, saying that I wasn’t ready to be a mom and that maybe we should actually date. He called me stupid and I swear to God, my instinct was to file for an annulment. There was this tone in his voice that pinched at me that he was dangerous. I never brought it up again, but things just kept getting worse.”
“
Worse how?” I asked with a hollow pain that was evident in my tone. I just didn’t want to hear anymore. In less than an hour I had learned Cassa almost died. That in her heartache when I left her she married another man trying to forget me and that she was pregnant with my baby. My baby that died and I never knew a thing about that child and was now mourning the loss of something I would have loved.
I was furious at Cassa but this guilt outweighed it by a ton, so I just sat there hearing her tell me more about the nightmare she obviously lived in.
“
He started making small demands at first and they were weird. If I drank a beer he would get mad and tell me that white trash drank beer, and we were not trash. If I wanted to go out with the girls he would pick a fight with me to ruin my night and if that didn’t work he started listing all the qualities about them that he hated. Qualities that didn’t exist outside of his own conclusion. Eventually he started keeping tabs on me. He wouldn’t let me work or visit your dad. He barely let me see Mikey. He found out I had been sneaking out to visit your dad and help him when he was too drunk. That was when he started hitting me.”
Fuck!
“
I still went like a fool I would go when he called and I tried to make sure Jerry never knew what I paid to see him. I was too addicted. Every time I would go there I would find a piece of you. I would catch the scent of you or see a new picture… It became my lifeline. I was obsessed with the mess I had made of my own life so I swore to fix Jerry’s. Then he started to ask questions about my bruises and split lips. I evaded his questions and he finally stopped asking me. We were broken together and that’s why we were so close. You were gone and we both needed you to fix ourselves. But we had our pride and so we went everyday pretending nothing was wrong.”
She looked at me and gasped when she saw the tears in my eyes.
“If I had known?” I choked trying to gain my composure. Emotion had been a bitch for me my entire life, yet, it seemed now it was all bubbling to the surface. I didn’t like expressing emotion let alone showing it, it was just too far out of my comfort zone. Moments like these when my guard was down were few and far between, but I had never been able to hide from Cassa.
She nodded in response but didn
’t make a big deal about my emotional display and I appreciated and loved that she knew it was killing me to break apart in front of her.
“
One night Cory and I were in separate rooms watching TV when the phone rang. He gave me permission to answer the phone but only because he was in the bathroom. Luck would have it that it was Dr. Baker telling me Jerry had been in a wreck. I didn’t think when I grabbed my purse and keys and ran. I was so scared he was going to die that getting to him was worth whatever repercussion I would face. Even now I don’t regret leaving that night. It was the end one way or the other.”
Whatever she was about to tell me was key here. My Sassy began pacing the room again and she was keeping her distance from me.
“Cory went looking through my things trying to find out where I’d gone. I was always supposed to leave a note and in the rush I forgot. That note would have changed everything, I was so stupid.” She started shaking her head like she was still battling the decision to leave without an explanation. It was hard as fuck watching her berate herself over something she couldn’t change.
“
He rummaged through my drawers when he came upon a letter I had written to you after you left. I was so stupid to have kept it, but it was all I had left to remind me of why I was in the situation I was in. I had read it to myself so many times the paper was creased and torn along the lines where it had been folded a dozen or more times.” Cassa stopped and walked down the hall to her bedroom and came back with a blood stained sheet of paper.
“
I still keep it and read it sometimes. I don’t know why but it helps me when I get scared that I’ve ruined my life. You should read it; it’s about time. The rest you can put together.” Cassa handed me the letter. It was protected by plastic with an orange label on the top that read Evidence Exhibit E.
She stepped outside and sat on her balcony and left me alone with the only answer she was giving me.
*
Shamus
I looked around the apartment. She had bars on her windows though she was on the highest floor. Her doors had three deadbolts and chain locks. Her windows were covered in blinds and curtains and she had covered her fireplace with a book shelf. She was so afraid of someone getting in her house she went as far as to block out fucking Santa Clause. The thought repulsed me. She was scared to death and while she was made a beaten prisoner I was off touring the world making my dreams come true, whining about missing her. If I was a man with dignity and pride I would have come for her and confessed my undying love. I would have saved her. I couldn
’t sit here looking at this apartment, knowing even a fraction of the hell she lived, knowing the people closest to me knew and hid it from me. This apartment is Candey’s too, and Cass’ fear has dug its claws in so far that Candey clearly lets her live in this state of constant fear. Allows it knowing full well I or Noah or any other mother fucking member of TAT would pay for the security.
My own anger was getting the best of me and I needed the answers now. I couldn
’t wait any longer so I opened the letter. The first line put a lump in my throat.
Her beautiful script was about to unleash hell on my heart.
Shamus,
I
…fuck! I don’t know how to write Shame. Carrie is the writer, I take pictures and make my point through a lens. I don’t know what I assume this letter is going to do for me, other than taking the advice of Carrie and Noah and agreeing that I need to unload this shit from inside of me before I let it consume me.
I
’m pregnant Shame, and the kicker is, I’m carrying your baby, our baby. I don’t think I will ever come clean though, I can never tell you what we created just nights before you left me behind.
No word
No second thoughts
Just drove away with TAT and let your dreams manifest into reality. A reality that didn
’t involve me.
I don
’t think I can tell you about this baby and watch you try and be the bigger man and come back for me, for us. I have more pride than that Shame. I didn’t let your leaving me break me. I made sure to keep my sanity and move on. Anger is a fucking mistress to a broken heart, and anger is my mistress.
I met Corey just over a month ago and though he isn
’t you, he loves me just as hard and he wants this baby and me like he wants his next breath. Corey knows who you are, who you were to me before TAT made it big. He thinks this baby is his and the saddest part of that is I would rather him think it was nobodies than to ever think it was yours.
He would probably leave me too.
So I will marry Corey tonight, he will hold our baby and think it is his and he will never feel trapped by me or this baby. He won’t leave me behind and turn his cheek when changes come.
I however will look at our baby and see you, every day for the rest of my life and that will be my punishment.
There will never be a day that I don’t love you Shamus. I will hold our baby, love our baby and maybe one day if the anger doesn’t consume me, then I will let you meet our baby.
I don
’t love Corey, not the way I love you but I love myself and this baby enough that I will live this lie and suffer for it every day.
Sassy
At the last word, her signature of ‘Sassy’ I dropped the filthy paper.
I needed my girl.
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
A Great Big World
Chapter Eight
Cassa
I sat on the patio chair and cried. I had finally said it all out loud to the one man I had loved for what seemed like forever. What I didn’t say, he had read in the letter that marked my fate. I wanted him to understand. I was so lost and alone I just wanted so badly to fill the void he left behind. I had no idea the mess I would have made of my life. I needed him to forgive me, though I wasn’t sure if the situation was reversed I could do the same. I saw through the blinds that he had set the letter down and any minute now I would hear the door slam.
But then he stood before me staring with sadness in his eyes.
I stood to meet his level when he dropped to his knees before me. I was stone still when he gripped my jeans in one fist, the other working the button of my jeans. I tried to pull away, fear creeping in as he tried to expose what Cory had left me with. “Please don’t look Shame.” I begged with a plea of torment.
Shamus worked frantically like a man possessed to see what I was hiding. A strangled cry left my throat when he exposed the tender skin.
*
Shamus
I felt the earth shift below my feet when I came face to face with her scars.
“
Oh baby…” I dropped a kiss to her hip as tears choked me. “I’m so fucking sorry baby.”
They were jagged and messy as if Cory's sole purpose had been to make it impossible to put Cassa together again. They were deep red and swollen, raised from her skin like ropes of agony and searing pain. They would be impossible to miss if she hadn't enlisted a genius to try and hide them. Even with Noah
’s gentle hand they were easily seen if you were looking. I was looking, killing myself and her because of the need to see and feel what another man dare do to my girl.
Cassa fought to free herself from my touch. My head still rested upon her stomach while I traced my fingers along the jagged scars.
She clawed at my arms, her tears rolling fiercely. "
Please
Shamus, let me go." She cried when I looked up to her face. I pulled her tighter and spread her jeans further open. Then as soft as a feather, I kissed her scars.
Tenderly as I could with shaking hands, I gripped the back of her jeans, scared she would disappear. "Oh God Sassy...." I choked on the tears hidden behind my eyes and lay my head against her tender, hollow womb.
"Sssh" Cassa said running her fingers through my hair. She had agonized over her scars. Mike and Roni had cried at her bedside, as well as Noah and Carrie and Candey. Jerry had gone crazy learning the truth of the night she almost died. Her story was old news to everyone they loved, but to me it was fresh and agonizing. Tears were falling between us but I knew she was there with me, afraid to break the closeness. I stayed holding her, my Sassy, my baby in the freezing cold air and on my knees where I should have always been.
*
Cassa
I hated the tremor that raced over my body from the cold. Shame was up and off his knees in an instant and I felt the cold once his body pulled away from mine. “You’re cold.” He wasn’t asking me as he warmed his hands up and down my arms.
I followed Shamus when he took my hand in his. We walked inside and he led us to the couch where he leaned back and pulled me against him, my back to his front. He cradled me close, his arms holding me tight. We sat there quietly for what felt like hours, and when I looked at the clock I realized it had been and was getting dark outside. The time with him was like heaven, so special and freeing. I always thought if this day came and Shamus learned the truth that he would hate me.
He did the opposite though.
He kissed my scars.
“
Let me up babe.” He whispered and I leaned forward, watching as he walked to my bookcase and moved it away from the fireplace. Panic, the little thief, waltzed in and stole my comfort. "What are you doing Shamus?" I cried out in shock rushing over to stop him.
"Putting an end to this nonsense Sassy. You can
’t live in fear like this." He said before gently nudging me out of the way and finished moving the shelf. He bent down and laughed. On the tiled pit floor sat a bundle of wood. He picked it up and looked at me with a smile. "How old is this wood?"
I laughed because it felt good knowing he would not handle me with kitten gloves. Right now he was teasing me like he always did and it was normal. I desperately craved normal. "We used to have fires when I first moved in. Then one night I had a nightmare that Cory had gotten in the house, by the fire place." I laughed nervously realizing how ridiculous I sounded. "It scared the hell out of me."
He bent down and looked up the shoot and laughed again. "Cassa it’s about a foot wide up here, unless Corey is the size of a twelve year old girl and he could be I haven’t had the pleasure of breaking his face, he wouldn’t fit in here."
"Stop Shame it was a scary dream."
“
But realistically you know it’s not possible right?” He laughed when I went to smack his chest but he jumped back. I hadn’t laughed at myself in a long time and I wanted to bask in the feeling it gave me. Playfully I reached for the firewood debating if I should open the shoot and have a nice fire, when he grabbed me by the hips and spun us until we were face to face.
I didn
’t have time to gasp in surprise when he slanted his perfect lips over mine and kissed me. All the sorrow and fear washed away the moment our lips touched. I wanted it to last, wanted to live in that kiss but the reality of our lives now made it impossible. Shamus was taken and not mine any longer. Images of the rude blonde bimbo from last night popped in my head forcing me to back off.
He moaned at my retreat and I hated him all over again. I didn
’t flinch with Shame. I flinched with everyone and he can just grab me and swoop in with his swagger and know all making me melt. Not flinch.
Doing this with another woman waiting for him at home.
I had become many things since the last time I saw Shamus, I was a victim, a liar and a coward…I wasn’t the other woman though. I was a survivor dammit! He used the pad of his thumb and brushed it across his bottom lip and looked at me confused. "Why did you stop me Cass?"
I rubbed my hands nervously against my thighs. "You have a girlfriend Shamus. I met her last night remember? She was the dumb one who laughed like a chimp on crack."
Shamus laughed and shook his head no. "You think Britt's my girlfriend?"
I couldn
’t help but roll my eyes. "Oh please Shame, I was being respectful. She’s a bed warmer."
"I hate to admit it but yeah. I don
’t even know their names. All of them were distractions until I could be back where I belong and that’s here with you."
I needed therapy because somewhere in that fucked up response he had me melting.
"Shamus, that’s not a compliment." I was disgusted by his truth even if touched by it just the same. I made my way to the kitchen, the fun playful moment by the fireplace gone.
I reached for a bottle of wine and a glass from the rack on the counter. His brows were scrunched together and his perfectly defined jaw was set. "Jesus who are you Cassa? Since when do you drink wine? You fucking hate wine." Shamus came up behind me, his words were harsh and he took the bottle from my hand. Before he could put the action to better use he stepped back. "Sorry, you probably like wine now." He ran his hands over his head in obvious frustration. "I have no right to tell you what you like or not."
I set the empty wine glass down. "Your right though, I don’t like wine all the time, it's more of occasional thing for me."
Liar.
I hated wine because it was bitter and pretentious sure, but also because it like so many things, was forced on me.
"Then why do you drink it?" He stepped forward and placed his hand on the counter below mine. "I hate seeing this fake image of you. You
’re like a mirage, everyone wants to believe so badly, believe that you are fine considering, but honestly I'm not buying it."
"Don
’t you see Shamus I don’t know who I am anymore, things feel right for a minute but then I forget to do what I was told, what was drilled into me. I can’t drink beer because I don’t remember what beer I like, I can’t free my fireplace because what if he finds a way to get me, and I can’t sleep with you because you will leave Shamus, and I don’t have it in me to pick myself up off the floor anymore. This is how I function now, its how I survive." Erratic and panicking I stormed into the living room and pushed my body against the book shelf trying desperately to cover the fire place. I was furious with Shamus, furious with Cory and the fact that Jerry was dead and everything was changing. “This is safe Shamus! It is order and reliable and it helps me think. I am not Sassy anymore. I am Cassa Rae Noxx and I am so fucked up. You cant come back and be you and pushy and all “I know the real you” because it fucks with my head. This is my fate and I bear the cross of my lies and my choices every day like a fucking weight Shame!”
I was screaming and pressing my body against the bookcase. It wasn
’t budging and it was seriously igniting a mixture of rage, shame and fear.
"Cassa stop this!" Shamus tried to pull me from the shelf. I fought him, completely lost in a state of fury. "Cassa stop and look at me." He grabbed my arms and pulled me close. "Cassa I won
’t leave I swear I will stay here until you are certain you feel safe."
I stopped pushing on the shelf and turned my anger on him.
“Oh fuck off Shamus. Do you have any idea what this is like for me? You left me here to go fuck around in Hollywood with nothing more than a cloud of exhaust in your wake!” I stepped past him and went to the kitchen rummaging through the cupboards looking for my hidden stash of hard liquor. “Jesus, I mean, I’m so fucking sorry that Jerry died Shame, but do you know what this is like for me seeing you again? I did everything to keep from you ever finding out about any of this. I’m humiliated!” I screamed before pouring a shot of Tequila and slamming it back with a cringe and a curse.
Shamus rubbed his hands over his face with a groan of frustration. “Cassa I am fucking trying here, I am. I am just now learning all the bullshit that not only you but
everyone
, including my dad, kept from me. I want to help you out and try my best to make it right.” He dropped his arms at his sides in angry defeat. “I feel responsible for this fucking snowball Cassa!”
Everything inside of me came to a screeching halt at his self deprecating tone. “Get out!” I snapped through clinched teeth. My hands were shaking with the need to smack his face. How dare he take what happened and make it about himself! I had fought and bled and almost died trying to keep this from touching him. Drama of this magnitude could ruin his career, could make his fans hate him if it was played in the wrong light. How dare he take the blame now?
“
What?”
“
I said get out!” I yelled and watched Shamus and his serene beauty turn to pain at my words.
“
I’m staying.” He says with a note of defiance. I know I don’t trust or believe him even though I’m desperate to.
I felt tears burning behind my lids but refused to waste another tear on Shamus James. The wake was tomorrow and I just needed to get through it and never have to worry about seeing him again.
I felt the humiliation roll in like a storm. I was fucking losing it. I spent every minute of every day covering my tracks and making sure I was secure but all along I was coming apart, slowly unraveling before the man I loved. "Have you forgotten who you are Shamus? You can’t stay; you have shows lined up remember?"
"I don
’t care."
"You don
’t have a choice. Just go. The girl you loved is gone Shame, she bled out on the bedroom floor." I placed my hand over my belly and walked away.