“What are those?”
“Oh, we’re going to dump them in the boss’s office.” He smirks.
“I’m in.” I toss all my stuff on my desk. “I adore you, Jake. This is exactly what I needed today. Something crazy and fun.”
Yet inside I wonder what am I supposed to do when the best part of me is gone?
We head to Mr. Morton’s office and dump about a hundred plastic balls inside. The rest we place in his shelves, desk, chair, and computer. We stand back and admire our handiwork. The bright balls stand out like a neon sign.
“He’s going to kill you, Jake.” I giggle.
“Me? You’re my accomplice, my friend. I’m not going down alone.”
We both laugh and run back to our offices, waiting for Mr. Morton to make his morning appearance.
I haven’t smiled, let alone laughed in over twenty-four hours. It feels good to have this distraction. Work will help, the fun with my co-workers is a blessing.
A few other employees make their way in. We include them in our little joke, and we can hear the giggles as they pass by Morton’s office. Of course he’ll be the last to stroll in.
I get busy with my emails and within twenty minutes I’m involved enough that our gag slips my mind.
Until I hear, “Playtime is over, children.” Mr. Morton apparently didn’t appreciate the joke as much as we did.
Jake’s office lines up with mine, so we can see each other sitting at our desks, but he’s not there. Oh hell. I hope he didn’t get the blame for this.
All of a sudden he comes crashing through my office door, out of breath and with his phone on display. He wears a huge smile.
“What?” I laugh.
He can barely get the words out. “I videotaped it on my phone. Morton got down on his hands and knees to gather his balls. I got a shot of his big ass crack. So I took off, because I couldn’t stop laughing.”
“Let
me
see.” I giggle.
“No,” he says. “I’m going to post it on the network so all the employees will see it.”
“What? Are you crazy?”
Fifteen minutes later, I get an email with the video. Laughter rings throughout the building.
“Holy shit, Jake,” I say. “You really don’t know what you’ve just done, do you?”
“He smiles apparently not worried at all.”
***
A TEXT GOES
off and my heart quickens.
Tumbleina: Can you talk?
I dial her number instead of texting Gen back.
“Yes, I’m still broken,” I say with an edge to my voice.
“Okay then.” She’s at a loss for words.
“I’m sorry.” Pain spoke, not me.
“I totally understand, Bryer. Fuck him with a capital F.”
“Heaven forbid I get over him, but, Gen, he’s like no one else.” Here I go down the slippery slope of emotions. “The scene keeps unfolding in my brain.”
“That’s normal.”
“What he said to Camilla shattered me. I can’t stop hearing them over and over. It breaks my heart every time.”
“Have you given anymore thought to hearing him out? It might give you the answers you need.”
“You’re right. The crazy part is, I keep going back and forth. Was I overreacting because of Cash? Is there a real explanation that can fix this?”
I believed in him and he crushed me.
“That’s my point,” Gen says. “The hurt never went away. You just buried it deep, and now it’s resurfaced.”
She would make a great therapist.
“I know what Cash did to you, but he’s not Cash.”
“I know. I just need time. I have to get back to work, but thanks for calling.” Tears start to bubble up again, but I fight them. I have to wait until I get home before I can cry.
After making it home, I still feel so raw. Three glasses of wine later, and with no dinner, I climb into bed and try to forget, try to sleep. I hug my pillow and his scent clings to me. Maybe I should use it to suffocate myself. Sleep doesn’t come easily, but numbness finally takes me.
Peaceful chimes wake me, but my head hurts and I can’t believe it’s time for work again. I’ll get through this day like I did yesterday. Paint a smile on my face, and everything will be fine.
That’s unlikely.
***
LATER THAT DAY,
I get a text from Nathan.
Nathan: Meet me at The Oasis Restaurant and Bar on Wed at 7:00pm. We don’t have to talk. Please come.
Bryer: No talking?
Nathan: A million words won’t bring you back. I’ve tried.
Bryer: I don’t know, Nathan.
Nathan: Please come.
I don’t reply.
***
“SEE?” JAKE STANDS
in my doorway “Even after Monday and Tuesday, the calendar still says W.T.F.”
“That’s true.” I fake a smile ‘Where do you find this junk?’
“Internet. Did you really think I was that clever?”
“Nah.”
Wednesday is now the new longest day in history. I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate, and my work is suffering. Sweet misery--that’s what is in store for me tonight.
The lack of sleep mixed with anxiety over tonight makes a deadly cocktail in my stomach. Five o’ clock finally arrives and I leave work to head home and get ready for tonight.
I FIND A LIGHT
green strapless dress that was buried in the back of the closet. I bought it because it matched my green eyes, and now I apply a little extra makeup to emphasize them. I bend over and start teasing a bit at the roots of my hair to build my waves up. Once I flip my head over I have a sexy messy do. After slipping on my now infamous fuck-me heels, I’m ready. Oh, a little more lavender body mist and it’s time to go. No tears.
I have no idea what Nathan has planned, and I find myself slightly annoyed. Maybe my pain is turning to anger. Poor delusional man. He better be prepared to buckle up for the ride because I am not letting him off easy.
I arrive a few minutes after seven and walk through the dining room to the bar where I find a few open tables. I decide on one that’s in the middle, knowing this will be less private, but I don’t want intimate. Since he doesn’t expect to have a conversation, I don’t have a clue what he’s thinking. Are we going to write notes back and forth to each other like in grade school?
The waitress approaches and I order a glass of white wine. I’m going to need some liquid courage for whatever
this
is.
I look around but don’t see Nathan, though I do notice several men noticing I’m alone, and I don’t appreciate being put in this situation. He better get here or I’m leaving at seven-thirty. As I’m checking my watch, the bartender jumps on the small stage and a spotlight appears.
“Sit tight. We have several locals here who will be performing tonight. Order up your next drink now so you won’t miss a thing”
My stomach tightens, anticipating what’s to come.
Nathan walks out from behind the black curtain, holding an acoustic guitar. He sits on the stool and adjusts the mike. “Hey friends. It’s good to be back. How’s everyone doing tonight?”
The crowd applauds and several younger women scream. My eyes shoot straight to them then back at him. He smiles a humble smile. His head is tilted down but those dimples are there for all to see.
“Tonight I’m slowing things down for you all with a favorite ballad of mine, and it’s meant to capture the heart of a good woman.” He nervously tinkers with his guitar before he plays several chords. “Anyone out there looking for the right woman?” The crowd goes wild. Then he starts to play. Closing his eyes, he strums the chords and begins to sing.
It Will Rain
If you ever leave me, baby
Leave some morphine at my door
’Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have
We don’t have it anymore.
There’s no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor, ooh
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I’m makin’
To keep you by my side
To keep you from walkin’ out the door.
’Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it’ll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain
I’ll never be your mother’s favorite
Your daddy can’t even look me in the eye
Ooh, if I were in their shoes, I’d be doing the same thing
Sayin’ “There goes my little girl
Walkin’ with that troublesome guy
But they’re just afraid of something they can’t understand
Ooh, but little darlin’ watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I’ll try, I’ll try, I’ll try, I’ll try
I’ll pick up these broken pieces till I’m bleeding
If that’ll make you mine
’Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it’ll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain
Oh, don’t you say goodbye
Don’t you say goodbye
I’ll pick up these broken pieces till I’m bleeding
If that’ll make it right
’Cause there’ll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There’ll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
And just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it’ll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain
***
MY BRAIN IS
in chaos as I watch her walk in. That emerald green dress hugs every curve of her beautiful body. I’m not the only one who notices. Every fucking man’s head turns as she walks by. God, I want to jump out from behind this curtain and smash every one of their heads in. Or I want to run to her and wrap my arms around her and claim her as mine. But I can’t do either, and it’s all because of me.
Fucking moron. Serves you right.
I have to show her how I feel, not just tell her. Words are meaningless at this point. My actions screwed this up. So I have no choice. My actions have to fix it.
I step on that stage, like I’ve done before, and thank the spotlight that blinds me, because I won’t be able to do this if I have to see the hurt in those beautiful green eyes. I chat with the audience to warm up the crowd. But all I can think of is will this work? God, I want her back in my life, in my arms.
I close my eyes and start with the intro. Then I open them as soon as the chorus comes into play. I look in her direction, singing every word with all my feelings bared. I wonder if she will truly listen to the words, words meant for her and only her. A lump forms in my throat, but I swallow it down as I near the end of the song. A few catcalls rise up as I’m finishing, along with applause and cheers. My nerves set in then, because I have no clue how she perceived this.
I step off-stage and slowly walk to her. Every part of my soul wants to meet her eyes, but I’m terrified at what I’ll find. I make it to the table, set the guitar against it, and slowly pull the chair out to sit down. I raise my eyes to meet hers, and when I see tears, it gives me hope, then rips me open.
“I said no talking. Singing doesn’t really qualify, does it?” Shit. That was a piss-poor attempt at humor.
“It was emotional. Beautifully heartbreaking. You captivated everyone in the place.”
“And you?” I ask, feeling as if I was walking on glass.
“Yes, it moved me tremendously,” she whispers. Before she lowers her head, I witness her internal struggle. But I won’t push.
I promised myself this woman was different, and I have to learn how to treat her as someone special.
“Bryer.” I stand and reach for my guitar. “I thought I was emotionally unavailable. I was wrong. I’ll be waiting.”
One tear falls from her captivating emerald eyes as she looks up at me, and I catch it with my thumb and wipe it away. After leaning over to kiss where the tear had been, I turn and walk away. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
***
ANOTHER DAY GOES
by. I call Clayton to see if one of the new trainers can handle my clients today. My mind is spiraling out of control and I’m a mess.
“Where’s your confidence, man up!” If this is Clayton’s attempt to comfort, it needs some work.
“I fucked up, asshole.”
“Looks that way, Nathan ” He won’t shut the hell up.
“Very Dr. Phil of you, Clayton.” Starting to fume.
“Oh for God’s sake, Clayton. You’re no help. Not one bit.”
“She can’t ignore you forever” ”
“Not one word from her. Nothing.”
“Sorry, bro. That’s a shame. I’ve got your shift covered.”
We hang up.
I’ve replayed Wednesday over and over in my mind. I just assumed she would melt in my arms. Was my ego that inflated? If I laid it out there, I honestly thought she would see what I was really feeling, see how much I need her. I’m going to fight for this woman. I want her, I need her, and she’s mine. Now how do I prove it?
I distract myself by searching on my laptop, M & M Global Research is easy enough to find. Although the website is overwhelming, giving me way too much information. I don’t know where to start. There’s a link to everything, including Uncle Mac himself. I take my uncle’s advice and start with the ‘About Us’ section.
M & M Global Research was founded in 1997. It was created and dedicated to the M.J. Foundation. The goal: to improve the health and wellbeing of individuals through cutting edge research, innovative educational programs in medicine and biomedical science, and leadership in academic medicine. We strive to implement this mission with the highest professional and ethical standards, in a culture of diversity and inclusiveness, and in an environment that enables each individual to develop to his or her fullest potential. CEO and Founder Mackenzie James has devoted himself to providing a better quality of life for all.
It takes me a few minutes to absorb what I read. What is the MJ Foundation? I have tons of questions for Uncle Mac for our next meeting