Ian looked down at his map. “No, it’s Tompkinsville, and it isn’t that big for that much light,” he said, flipping his goggles up again and sniffing the air. “Ah man, smell that?”
“That is a big ass house fire,” Lance said, sniffing.
“How could you two know what a house fire smells like?”
“Merit badge,” they said, and Ian turned around.
“We had to ride along with the fire department and got to smell several house fires.”
“Shit, all I ever remember was selling cookies and going on like one camping trip in Girl Scouts,” Jennifer huffed.
“Don’t knock the cookies, babe,” Lance snapped. “Those damn Samoas should be illegal.”
Lance slowed as the GPS reminded him to turn again, and Ian lowered his goggles and mumbled. “At least this is the closest we get to that fire.”
“Left turn one point two miles ahead,” the GPS said, and Lance took his foot off the accelerator.
“That looks like a big road,” he said as the Hummer slowed to an idling crawl.
Grabbing his map, Ian looked at the area, running his finger along the road ahead. “We are only on it for a mile or so; then, we are back on small roads.”
Wham
sounded at Lance’s window, and he didn’t even jump as he slowly turned and looked at a young, female stinker. Lance didn’t jump, but everyone else damn sure did. “Why in the hell would a woman put hoop earrings through her nipples?” he said, shaking his head as the stinker beat his window.
Suddenly interested, Ian leaned over. “What?”
“God damn it, get us out of here!” Jennifer shouted as Dino growled at the stinker.
“Maybe they are like door knockers,” Lance offered, looking at the stinker. “You know, like you walk up and use the hoop like a knocker to see her knockers.”
“Lance!” Jennifer screamed, seeing more stinkers running up behind the female beating on the Hummer.
Lance stomped on the accelerator, throwing everyone back in their seats. “I was just looking and trying to figure out why!”
“Left turn ahead,” the GPS announced calmly. Normally, Lance slowed considerably when he turned. Not this time. The Hummer pulled off the small road, fishtailing over the large, paved road as the others grabbed anything, hanging on for dear life.
Hearing thump
s
, they looked forward to see Lance weaving back and forth on the road, hitting stinkers coming at them. The problem was Lance wasn’t trying to avoid them; he was steering into them. Jennifer watched one go sailing over the Hummer and looked up through the sunroof as the female stinker wearing a Taco Bell uniform sailed over.
“Right turn,” the GPS announced, and they looked at the stinkers trotting down the road at them. Ian looked at the small road on the right.
“When you turn on it, Lance, you’re going to make another right turn immediately!” Ian shouted, watching stinkers go flying. “Lance, I mean like twenty yards after you turn, you have to turn right again!”
“Geesh, I heard you.” Lance grinned, bouncing over an old man stinker. “Oh, fat stinker!” Lance shouted as a huge woman waddled onto the road in front of them. In shock, they watched Lance weave around her. “I refuse to run over a fat, naked woman,” he said, slowing to twenty and taking the turn.
“She needs to run her fat ass after us and lose that weight,” Lance said, taking the second turn.
“Right turn now,” the GPS said when Lance was a hundred yards down the road.
“Yeah, ass monkey, you would’ve fucked us on that one,” Lance chuckled, hitting a male stinker that trotted out with his chest cavity open. “I think the fat bitch got him,” Lance said as the stinker disappeared under the front driver’s wheel, making the Hummer bounce.
Everyone was panting hard and staring straight ahead as they left the mass of stinkers behind. As one, they all turned to look at Lance crouched over the steering wheel. “Good driving, amigo,” Ian said, letting go of the “oh shit” handle.
“Thanks,” Lance smiled. “I think I’m getting the hang of this.”
Gently clearing her throat, Jennifer mumbled, “Ahem, Lance. Yes, that was very good driving, but could you try to miss more than just the fat ones?”
“This is an H1 Alpha Hummer, 6.6 liter turbo, bulletproof Hummer with a kickass off-road package,” he said proudly. “I haven’t even begun to run over stinkers.”
Giving up, Jennifer sat back and looked out at the dark houses they passed as Lance drove down the road. The fields stretching for miles fell away to small fields beside the road and trees sprouting up as hills started to rise around them.
“The Cumberland River is ahead,” Ian said, looking at his map.
“Ian, you better not tell me we are crossing the same river we crossed shortly after leaving the subdivision. That is wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to start,” Lance said.
“Well, excuse the hell out of me, but yes, we do cross the same fucking river we did at the start of this trip, and then we move up into the forest. I don’t think you’ll be able to keep going forty-five.”
“What! It has taken me this long to train my leg and foot just how much pressure to use to keep us at forty-five, and now, I have to slow down?!”
Ian threw the map down. “Are we there yet?”
Chapter 13
It took Ian a few minutes to cool off as Lance drove on. “That was excellent navigation skills, bro,” Lance said as they moved along the small valley. “If you wouldn’t have been on the map, I would’ve missed the turn, and we would’ve had to turn around, and I haven’t done that yet.”
Feeling better after the apology, Ian picked up the map. “We will be coming close to Albany and several other towns south of Lake Cumberland.”
“The fucking river has a lake named after it?”
“Yeah, I’m tempted to get you to stop so I can take a dump in the damn thing,” Ian grinned.
Letting out a huge sigh, Lance asked, “How big are these towns?”
“It’s not the size; all of them are small. They are just close together with a bunch of big roads we have to cross,” Ian said, looking at the map.
“Any of those turns followed by another turn that GPS whore forgets to tell us about beforehand?”
Ian studied the map hard. “Not that—”
“Shit!” Lance screamed as they came around a curve, and he slammed on the brakes, throwing everyone except him forward. Climbing out of the floorboard, Ian was about to unleash until he looked ahead a few car lengths and saw a semi-truck on its side, blocking the road.
Getting back in his seat, Ian pushed Dino’s head, making him back up between the seats. “Good reflexes,” Ian said and looked over at Lance. With his hands gripping the steering wheel in a death grip, Lance was panting wide-eyed at the wreck. “We didn’t crash; you did good.”
“Can I have some water?” Lance said in a quiet voice. Jennifer dug down until she found the water and passed it to Ian. Everyone was shocked when Lance let go of the steering wheel, ripped the top off the bottle, and sucked it down in two huge gulps.
“I think we can go around on this side,” Ian said, looking at the side of the road. There wasn’t a real drop off or a ditch.
“Company,” Lance said, throwing the bottle down at Ian’s feet. Ian turned to see three stinkers trotting at them. All of them were male, and two were wearing police uniforms. “Shit, cops,” Lance said, taking his foot off the brake and grabbing the steering wheel. “Let me do the talking.”
He pushed the accelerator, hitting all three as he drove off the road, and everyone heard them rolling under the Hummer. Ian looked in his mirror and saw the trailer bounce, and the three bodies rolled out behind it. “They don’t teach that in Drivers Ed.”
Lance kept steady pressure on the accelerator as he came around the end of the semi and saw two cop cars crushed under the cab. “Those cops are stupid as hell putting a road block next to a sharp curve,” Lance said, guiding the Hummer back to the road.
Slowly, the Hummer sped back up to forty-five, and Lance returned to his perch over the steering wheel. “I peed my pants,” Allie announced.
“If I would’ve had to pee, I would’ve too, Allie,” Lance admitted.
Reaching down, Jennifer pulled out sandwiches and passed them to Allie and Carrie. “Ian, want a sandwich?”
“Hell yeah,” Ian cried out, putting the map down.
“Lance?”
“No, not really hungry,” he said as the GPS told him to turn ahead.
Jennifer passed Ian a tinfoil package, and he ripped it open, shoving a quarter of the sandwich in his mouth. “Jesus, Ian, slow down,” Jennifer laughed, handing him a bottle of water. Taking it, Ian shoved another chunk of sandwich in his mouth.
After making sure the girls were eating, Jennifer looked back at Lance perched over the steering wheel. Thinking his face looked awful shiny in the green cast of night vision, Jennifer lifted her googles. From the dim light of the GPS and clock on the dashboard, she could see sweat raining off of Lance’s face and from under his helmet.
Grabbing another bottle of water, she tapped Ian on the shoulder with it. Stuffing the last chunk of sandwich in his mouth, Ian looked over his shoulder. Motioning to Lance with the bottle of water, Jennifer handed it over. “Lance, you need a break?” she asked as Ian shoved a straw in the bottle and put it in front of Lance’s face.
“No, I’m doing good,” he said and felt the straw touch his lips. With wide eyes, Jennifer watched the bottle drain without pause. The intensity of concentration on Lance’s face was beyond anything she had seen before. With a piercing gaze at the road and systematic glances at the instrument panel every few seconds, it looked like Lance was going to get the meaning of life from them any second.
Throwing the bottle to the floor, Ian picked his map back up. “We will be leaving the forest soon,” he said, draining his water bottle. Lance acknowledged with just a lift of his chin as he drove down the dirt road. Laying the map in his lap, Ian scanned around them. “We’re almost half way.”
“Thank God,” Jennifer said, giving Dino a sandwich that he gulped down in one bite then took the trash from Allie and Carrie. “Will the rest of the trip be as bad as up ahead?”
“No, once we get past Coopersville, we are back in the sticks,” Ian said as the GPS notified them of a turn. “After that, the next area Uncle Doug has marked as a potential problem was near Interstate 75.”
As Jennifer put the trash in a bag, she noticed Carrie and Allie snuggling up together, closing their eyes. “Should’ve fed them sooner,” she mumbled, lowering her goggles back down.
“Shit,” Ian said, making Jennifer snap her head toward him to see where the “shit” he was talking about was. Seeing he was looking straight ahead, Jennifer glanced and saw in the distance a group of people walking down the road, but they were spread out across it in a straight line. It looked like they were walking away from them, but she couldn’t be sure.
“I don’t think they’re stinkers,” she said, feeling her heart rate increase. “They don’t walk in lines like that.”
Lifting one hand off the steering wheel, Lance shook it like he was trying to get a cramp out. “No, they’re people, and they’re blocking the road off as they walk.”
“What are we going to do?” she asked, looking at her AR leaning against the door.
“Oh, I’m going through,” Lance said. He finished shaking his hand out and grabbed the steering wheel. “They can move or get run over; that is the only option they have.”
“I see some kids though,” Jennifer said, seeing several smaller shapes walking as the group became more distinct. “It looks like sixteen people.”
“Eighteen. They have people ahead walking on the shoulder,” Ian said, stuffing the map beside his seat. “The shoulder looks like it only drops down a foot or so and is level to the tree line on my side, and I can’t tell on yours what it does before reaching that fence running along that field.”
“I don’t care what the shoulder does; I’m going down the fucking road,” Lance snapped as they stared at the group ahead. When they were half a mile away, they knew the group heard them as they all stopped and turned toward them.
Ian shook his head. “I wish the Hummer was a tad quieter,” he said with a trembling voice. “I see three with rifles.”
“The two on the shoulders have rifles also,” Lance said, never speeding up or slowing down. Some of the group started waving their arms when the Hummer was a quarter of a mile away. Several pointed at them. “They see us now.”
“Yeah, the ones on the shoulders are moving further back from the road,” Ian said as his mouth went dry. They watched several of the smaller forms get in the middle of the road with a taller one, who was holding something in his arms. Just the way he was holding it suggested it was a rifle. “They moved the kids to the road to make us stop.”
“Shit if I care,” Lance said, gritting his teeth so hard they squeaked.
Ian looked from the group to Lance and back. “Lance, at least move a little to one side to let them know we aren’t stopping!”
Not saying anything, Lance steered to the right side of the road, and the man in front of the kids moved them to the right side of the road. “He fucking cut me off!” Lance bellowed.
“Aw shit,” Jennifer said as Lance bellowed, knowing this wasn’t going to end well.
“Keep your night vision covered until I tell you!” Lance yelled, guiding the Hummer to the left side of the road, and the man and kids moved to block him. “You slimy, cock-sucking douche! This is my fucking road!”
Ian and Jennifer reached up, covering their goggles with their hands as Lance flipped his up and hit the standby button. When he was a hundred yards away, Lance took his foot off the accelerator, and he could see the group relax as most of the others moved up to the road.
Locking his arms and closing his eyes, Lance flashed his high beams and stomped on the accelerator. The bright light blinded the group, making them throw up hands to block their eyes. Hearing the vehicle speed up, many took off from the road since they now knew the vehicle wasn’t stopping for them.
Letting the control arm go, Lance opened his eyes as the bright lights went off. “Now!” he shouted, flipping his goggles down and hitting the standby button, and the green world filled his vision. Ian and Jennifer took their hands off their night vision and saw most of the group scatter. The man that was standing with the kids was holding his hand over his eyes, aiming his rifle toward them with one hand. A flash lit up in their goggles followed by a
boom
.
“That dweeb dick shot at us!” Lance screamed, pressing harder on the accelerator, which was already buried against the floorboard.
“Sucks to be you,” Ian said just before Lance hit the man. Lance centered the man in the hood, and Ian saw the man’s eyes go wide as the front plate of the brush guard hit him in the chest. The man shot away from them in the air as Ian heard several thumps under the Hummer.
A flash on the left made Ian turn as the Hummer bounced over the man it had sent airborne. Feeling the vehicle jerk to the left, Ian glanced to see Lance heading off the shoulder at the man who just shot at them.
“I see you, newbie butt munch!” Lance screamed as the Hummer bounced over the shoulder and down into the ditch. Hitting the man with the driver’s side front corner, he sailed back twenty feet through the air, hit the fence, and bounced back, hitting the back passenger door with a loud thump. Dino let out a growl as Lance turned the wheels back to the road.
Even with the small shoulder, Ian freaked, feeling the Hummer tilt to the side, still picking up speed. “I want to get on another ride, Momma!” he cried out, grabbing the dash and “oh shit” handle. The Hummer shot over the shoulder, and for a brief second, Ian only saw sky with the moon getting bigger, seemingly filling the front windshield. Opening his mouth to scream, Ian felt his balls at the back of his throat.
The Hummer hit the road and bounced side to side as the tires continued responding to Lance’s foot buried in the accelerator. Behind them, the trailer bounced side to side and up and down, yanking the Hummer. Wind blasted in as Lance rolled down his window. “H1 Alpha Hummer, bitches!” Lance screamed out the window. “Fucking road hogging cock suckers! I’m coming back with tampons for your asses!”
Lance rolled the window up as they heard a pop behind them. The Hummer shot down the road, and Lance saw a sharp curve ahead and a sign for the curve saying thirty-five. Panicked, Lance took his foot off the accelerator and looked down at the speedometer. “Sssshhhittt,” he said, seeing the needle at seventy, and hit the brake when they weren’t slowing enough for the turn.
Behind them in the distance, they heard several booms. Ian glanced in his mirror and saw the area between the Hummer and trailer and behind the trailer light up. “Take your foot off the brake! They can see the brake lights and are using them to shoot at us!”
Yanking his foot back, Lance looked at the speedometer falling under fifty as he entered the curve. “I drive forty-five all the time; piss on that sign.”
Hitting the curve low, the Hummer shot through as Lance guided it wide, feeling the trailer tugging at it. Glancing in his side mirror, Lance saw the trailer weaving back and forth behind them. “Why they don’t have trailers in NASCAR,” he mumbled as the vehicle slowed further.
Taking a deep breath, Lance eased his foot back to the accelerator, moving the speedometer back to forty-five. “Everyone okay?”
“What did you do that made them cover their eyes?” Ian asked, still holding on for dear life.
“Flashed my lights at them. I remembered all the times we walked near a road at night and a car appeared in front of us. It took forever to see again.”
“You are awesome, Captain Picard,” Ian grinned, dropping his hand to his lap.
“Jennifer, you three okay?” Lance asked but kept his eyes locked ahead.
“We were thrown in the floorboard. What the hell did you do?” she grunted, pulling the girls in the seat. Grabbing the seat belt, she used it to strap them in. “Sorry, but you stay buckled from now on.”
Getting his breathing back under control, Ian glanced over his shoulder. “Lance had us airborne. For a second, if I would’ve reached out, I could’ve touched the moon.” He reached over and patted Lance on the chest. With every pat, a wet splat was heard. “From now on, the Hummer is the Enterprise, Captain.”
“Very good, number one,” Lance grinned, using a French accent.
Pulling herself forward, Jennifer stuck her head over Dino’s. “This isn’t Star Trek, guys, so knock it off. Did we break anything?”
Shrugging one shoulder, Lance said, “Shit if I know. No lights came on, don’t hear weird noises, and we’re still moving, so I’m guessing no.”