I shivered in the dark. I wanted to collapse. I had no idea where to go, what to do. Of course, I couldn’t sleep with him. Who knew what fucked up things went on behind that calm mask he called a face. He would hold this over me forever. He had said so himself.
But there was no way to hide what I had done either. All paths led to me getting fired. Lem would even walk off. There was no proof of his blackmail. I had no recording of what he had said.
I looked at my phone. I just wanted to go home and bury myself. My family couldn’t know about this. Even Lilly couldn’t help. I had no one.
But then words echoed in my ear:
Confront the pain
.
I couldn’t, not alone. But I knew just who could.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Calix
The morning rose bright and blazing. The summer wasn’t dying quickly. I headed to the armory, already sweating.
The weapons shipments always arrived on the last Sunday of the month. They should come in just after noon. The pieces of disinformation had already been laid in the inventory system. All I had to do was set aside the ‘extra’ pieces of weaponry.
My timeline was short. I’d been assigned training duties the whole day. It left me just a few minutes in the army, but I’d already done the computer work. Raynor would simply have to offload the gear.
The ‘how’ made sense. What I couldn’t understand was the ‘why.’
I knew for certain I wasn’t doing it for myself. It didn’t seem like this would help my father either. He might want it, but I remembered his withering grief the last weekend. It wasn’t clear how arming the Storm’s Soldiers better would undo any of it.
My mind was not made up even as I began the descent to the armory. Just then, my phone rang.
I saw the number and clapped the phone to my ear.
“Rosa?” I said.
She was gasping for air on the other end. My heart froze. “What is it?” I asked.
“Lem knows our secret.”
“Who?”
“Lem Sygard. The doctor you stopped from holding me.”
My jaw clenched at the thought of his weasel face. “I thought that investigation was over.”
“It was. Because he hid the video information. Now he’s blackmailing me with it.”
“Blackmailing you? What does he want?”
Her breath shivered. “He wants me.”
“You?”
“I have to sleep with him tonight or he’ll reveal the truth. I don’t even have twelve hours left.
I knew exactly what she had meant, but I needed to hear it. I needed to hear that a man could be so cowardly and creep his way unwanted into a woman.
“Fucking bitch.”
She started crying and gasping.
“I meant him,” I said softly. “Not you. Of course, not you.”
But that did nothing to soothe her. “He’s going to get me fired. It might even put me in jail. And you-”
“Don’t worry about me. Don’t worry at all. I’ll take care of it.”
“How? You can’t hurt him. He’s powerful. They will find you and string you up.”
“Not if there aren’t witnesses.”
I heard her suck in breath. “Calix, you wouldn-“
“No, I’m not going to kill him.” I rubbed my face. “I’m not a monster.”
“I didn’t mean that.”
“It’s fine. I’ll think of something.”
The air shivered with her breath. She was waiting for me. There was only one play I had, though.
“I can make him think I’m a monster,” I said.
“How?”
“He knows who I used to ride with right?”
“He read your entire file.”
“Then that’s who’s going to be coming after him.”
She paused. “You’re not still with them though.”
The archway to the armory loomed below me, dark and full of the secrets I had built. I was tired of them though. Tired of serving the lies I no longer believed.
“I’m not remotely with them anymore,” I said. “But he doesn’t have to know. Besides, it’s like you said. It’s not so easy to change who I am deep down. I remember all the ways to incite fear.”
“Calix, I never said that.”
“It’s fine. I’ll take care of this. Do you know his address?”
“Are you sure?”
“Give me his address.”
She read off a place downtown. I wondered how she knew the information, then I shook the thought aside. If she had been with him, she wouldn’t have called me.
“Thank you, Calix,” she said. “But be careful with him. His family is very rich.”
“Mine isn’t. Which means he has everything to lose and I have nothing.”
“You have-”
She cut off. I waited for her to add the word I wanted to hear. But she didn’t say it.
“I’ll let you know in a bit,” I said and hung up.
So she hadn’t said this would fix us. It was better than a lie, at least. I wasn’t doing this for that anyway. I’d be little better than the doctor if I expected her as a prize.
I checked my watch. It was only nine in the morning, but I had little time to waste. I had to stake out the building to catch Sygard alone. I started to hustle to my bunk, when I remembered what I’d come here to do.
I clipped down the steps and swiped in to the armory. Raynor was waiting for me at the counter. He leaned in as I approached, wiping his sweaty palms on the metal bench.
I walked right up to his eager face and said, “Plan’s off.”
“What?” he nearly squealed.
“Something came up.”
“What?”
I looked at his eager face. In truth, he was ready to handle the rest of this. There was nothing for me to do but run interference if there were any issues. Raynor would easily accept the risk of doing it alone though.
But I didn’t see a reason to place him to risk. In fact, I didn’t want a thing to do with any of it. I went around to his computer, logged in and silently fixed the original shipment numbers with a few key strokes. It couldn’t undo everything, but the discrepancy would look like a computer glitch and not malicious.
I logged out and stared down Raynor.
“I gave you an order, private,” I said. “Fall in line.”
“Ok, alright.” He plopped back into his chair with a relieved sigh. “I guess I’ll just chill then.”
“Do that.” I turned and headed off. “Do that and think on why being white even matters.”
“What?” he called out, right before the metal armory door shut behind me.
I could not save him from his beliefs. That was his own path. All I could do was make him confront the question.
Dennis ran up to me as I hustled back to my bunk, but I waved him away. He was only here to tell me that I was already late for my lessons. Now, I would have to miss them.
It would be viewed as a dereliction of duty. It could be taken as seriously as if I’d run from combat. I would be severely penalized.
It didn’t matter.
I was not going to shirk my duty to Rosa, and I would not ask anyone here to cover for me. I had lied to enough good people. The only people who deserved that anymore were scum like Sygard.
I changed into civilian clothes, then reached deep into my cloth cabinet and pulled out a plastic bag. It held something I hadn’t worn in some time, not even the day I was shot. Well, everyone seemed to think I belonged in this anyway.
I left the base and went out to my bike, before I pulled the cloth out. It smelled like oil and leather and gasoline. On the front, the bright white stitching read ‘Storm’s Soldiers.’ The back held a giant white grim reaper.
There were no symbols on it, no words to tell people what the club really stood for. Maybe we had been ashamed from the beginning.
I slung it on and let the plastic bag flutter off with the hot breeze. I tore off towards Atlanta.
My mind sharpened around my mission as the wind roared past my open face. The engine rumbled through me, bringing me to life.
All I wanted to do was ram my bike into Sygard. The man deserved nothing less. It shouldn’t do any damage to him. He had no spine, after all.
But while I didn’t fear for my fate, I didn’t want to bring Rosa bigger problems. I would have to make him go away of his own choosing.
I would become the avatar of hate. I would show him the depths of my darkness. I would act out the role I now detested like it flowed in my blood.
Like it had, once.
Before Vaughn. Before the US Army. Before Dennis.
Before Rosa.
Sygard’s apartment was in a gleaming high-rise close to Centennial Park. Other towers rose nearby but his was above them all. His apartment looked to be the penthouse. At the ground levels, the stores were all modern vanities. Pet grooming, gourmet coffee, cupcakes.
I parked a couple blocks away and sat with a coffee at one of the outdoor patios. The other customers kept far away. The ones nearby slowly inched their metal tables away. I’d enjoyed the effect once, even pitied them for it. I had imagined myself to be a secret warrior for their cause.
Now that I had fought for them in reality - worn the US flag on my breast and picked up arms against an enemy that wasn’t imaginary - I saw my foolishness plainly. My life had been a self-imposed exile with no purpose.
I waited an hour and saw very few people come in or out the front doors of Sygard’s apartment. But I also saw several expensive cars come out of a side alley.
I called Rosa. She answered immediately, but didn’t say anything.
“What car does he drive?” I asked.
“Oh. An orange one. A, uh, Lamborghini? Ferrari? One of those. Why?”
“Don’t worry.”
I hung up, dropped the rest of my coffee in the trash and crossed into the alley. There was room enough for one way only. The street dead ended in a concrete wall, but before that a metal mesh door on the right showed a garage full of cars.
I did a quick risk evaluation. The interior would be heavily monitored in a place like this. Even if I was dressed like a bellhop and not a biker, I wouldn’t be able to linger long without being approached.
But this alley was not part of their domain. I saw no cameras, no mirrors even. It was recessed from the street until the very end. It was the best place to confront him unnoticed.
I went back near the street and sat just past the corner, thumbing through my phone like everyone else in the damn city. Now and then the door would dislodge a car. I checked and went back to looking busy.
It was a strange meditation, but army life had prepared me for it. Hours could pass before a mission would come through. Just a few seconds of action against a canyon of boredom. This wait, however, was strictly against army regulations. The longer I spent here, the worse my situation when I returned.
I hardly noticed. This mattered. It could not be rushed.
After an hour and twenty four minutes, my moment came. The garage door creaked open and an angular orange hood pressed through. The car that came out was ultra-modern, all smooth slopes and sharp cuts. It crawled up the alley, though.
All that power didn’t matter without the right foot on the gas. I kept an eye on the driver window and saw a long, confused face squinting out at me.
Yeah, I remembered him. I stepped out in front of the car. He squealed to a stop.
“Come out, Sygard,” I said, kicking up as much drawl as I could. “I want to talk.”
The passenger door did not budge. The good doctor was thumbing his phone behind the window’s glare. Calling the cops perhaps? They could be here fast, but not fast enough.
Still, I need him to communicate.
I slammed the heel of my palm into the hood. There was barely an abrasion. The car was built well. But Sygard jumped out of the car.
“Hey, hey!” he said. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Good afternoon to you too, doctor.”
Sygard stood huffing behind his passenger door. He had on an orange polo that matched his ride and sleek blue pants. He looked pissed, but more as a cover for his fear.
“What do you want?” he said.
“Simply a chat. Why are you hiding there? I’m not going to hurt you in front of your own house.”
“Someone’s going to come out behind me,” he said. “I’m going to have to move my car.”
“When that happens, you can move it.” I beckoned. “Come.”
I had expected him to put up more resistance, but he came over.
“You here to make some deal?” he said.
“Nothing in particular. I’m just here to renegotiate terms for the arrangement.”
He snorted. “Oh perfect. Are you her pimp, now?”
Red flashed through my vision. My hand was rising for his throat before I made it drop. “No,” I said. “She has the right to decide who she wants to sleep with. That’s a right you’re infringing on.”
“I’m doing no such thing. I gave her a choice. She simply has to own up to her crime.”
“She committed no crime. I stole the bullet. I took the key card from her.”