“No no no.” But she let out a tiny laugh. It sounded like wind chimes on a cool day.
I watched her mouth move mischievously. She had a sharp chin, a dainty thing that showed clear in good moods. Her eyes were just as sharp, her whole body seemed to be lit up from some unknowable energy.
Fierce, intelligent and caring. It was a rare trio. If only there was some way I could have her. Suddenly, I had to know.
“What are you?” I asked.
“Excuse me?”
“Are you black or not?”
I regretted it immediately. It sounded coarse even in my ears
Rosa snorted, her smile vaporized. “What kind of question is that?”
Fucking meds.
“I apologize. I’m just confused.”
“Oh, that’s been clear for a long time.” She seemed to puff up a bit. “I’m Venezuelan-American.”
“South American?”
“I was born there, but I didn’t stay long.”
“You don’t look Latino.”
She snorted again, this time, like a bull. “I don’t look Latino? What do I look like?”
I had dug myself into a latrine. “I’m really not sure.”
“You don’t know or you don’t want to know? I’m Latino and I’m black. Both things are possible. It is about culture not skin color.”
“Hmm.” There was more to say on the topic, but I couldn’t voice anything right. I wasn’t even sure I could fight this little woman in my state.
“Hmm? That’s it?” She shook a stray hair off her forehead.
“I really didn’t mean to offend. I’m just curious.”
“And now you’re enlightened. What will you do with this new knowledge you now possess about me?”
I was truly at a loss. “Can I have my doctor now?”
“Alright, I’ll get you your freaking doctor.”
She gave me this quick one over and left in a huff.
My body was warm. It had come on all of a sudden.
Part of it was embarrassment - a rare enough feeling for me. Part of it was her heat infecting me.
I loved strong woman. Warmth could comfort you, but fire could give you life.
Still, even if she wasn’t what I thought she was, she was well beyond my reach. I understood the reasoning behind the lines my father drew.
My reactions to her body weren’t enough justification to cross them.
Rosa came back with a female doctor. The woman looked like a frayed bush. She took in the sight of me standing tall and told me I could go.
Rosa and I were left to eye each other.
“So you’re all set,” she said calmly. “Sorry about that little outburst.”
“You had a right to be offended.
“I do as a person. But not as a nurse.”
“You’re no longer my nurse.” I smiled. “So you can feel what you feel.”
Her eyes fell to my chest. It was their natural landing spot, but I saw them moving, felt them trace the muscles I had built with years of duty.
“What I feel…” She took a long breath. “I feel that you should think before you speak a bit more. Also? Be more careful around guns. I mean, you’re around a lot of them.”
I laughed. She gave me a pure smile.
This girl could spin from dark to light and back faster than a top. I liked watching it way too much.
There was no denying it anymore. I had an attraction to her. It went beyond her body.
“Ok.” She smiled and said the words I should have been thinking instead: “Let’s get you out of here.”
“I know how to leave.”
“Alright, then. You can go.”
Neither of us moved. She still stood in my path. I was almost grateful.
Rosa trembled, then said. “The price is a hug though.”
She held out her arms. Her body lay open to me.
I had been living like a monk. Overseas, it made sense. I’d been back for weeks though. I’d been so focused on slipping into my new role at the base, that I hadn’t even ticked a finger at a girl in a bar. That’s all it would have taken.
Now this gift had been dropped in my lap. This package wrapped wrong.
But Rosa looked beyond amazing. Even in the wrinkled, oversized scrubs, her body pressed through in all the right spots.
I saw what every other man would see. This woman was gorgeous.
I went to her like a bullet in reverse. Thought never entered the process. I hunched over and took her in my arms. Her sharp little chin swayed against my thick shoulder, surprisingly tender.
I imagined it going deeper, her entire face landing in the crook of my neck, her body melting around my grip, shedding its form over my hard ridges.
No, that was too much. I tried to let go, but now it was Rosa hanging on. My hand slipped on her back and landed on something hard.
I realized with a rush what it was. Her card.
I didn’t know what sort of clearance nurses were given. This wasn’t a secure facility, so a lot was possible.
I didn’t want to hurt Rosa, but she shouldn’t miss this much. I had to take this chance. I had to protect my people.
I pinched the clip up off her pants.
We separated. I cupped the card discreetly in my palm as I withdrew.
Rosa practically glowed at me. Her eyes were dimmed as if lost in a dream. I loved the look. I fucking hated that it was on me.
“Alright,” I said.
She edged out of the way and released me.
I wandered the halls, feeling the traces of her heat fade from me. In their absence was a chill, a deep lack of her.
I could have had her. Instead, I had this piece of plastic that might not even get me anywhere.
It was for the cause. It was justified.
And, she…well, she took me far away from the cause. Her pressed up against me would be the opposite.
Briefly, I wondered if it wouldn’t just be worth it.
It didn’t matter. I would only end up hurting her. There was nothing that could last between us. And I did not ever want to be the cause for more sorrow on that sweet face. Let her find a man like her who could treat her how she deserved.
Who treated her the way I wanted to.
Some minutes later, I found a locked door labeled Surgical Storage. The badge opened it.
The room was no bigger than a bathroom, full of a few metal racks and cabinets with items in plastic bags. It seemed like the right spot. I worked quickly and found my name in a folder.
Against all odds, a plastic bag with a few shards of bullet lay inside.
I pocketed it and exited quickly. There were no cameras that I could see. I guessed that most items found in surgery would have little criminal implication.
I headed out into a bright Atlanta morning. The sun was just starting to boil the air. The breezes that blew past felt as good as if they blew through the old forests my father used to take me to camp in.
Took
us
to camp in - me and my brother both.
Thinking about that past made me feel like a lone tree in a clearing. Exhaustion settled back down over me.
There was no way I was riding my bike like this. The engine’s growl might just rattle the stitches free. I would probably topple onto the road within a block.
I hailed a taxi and told him the way to camp and we head off from downtown. I stretched out in the back, letting the day shift off me. The driver played music that would have been at home in Kabul: ululating voices and choked flutes. My thoughts went with the melody.
I had done well by every measure the army used in my time there. A safe operation was a point of pride. The threats were real, and so were the successes. I had run up the ranks quickly and was given men to lead. They liked my directness and my commitment to their safety.
I reminded myself from time to time that it was for the cause. It was to get back to Atlanta. But it turned out that I had plenty of motivation to do well aside from that.
Not like here. Now I was back, and nothing I was doing seemed to be moving us anywhere. We weren’t even treading water, just splashing around - attracting predators.
There was so much to do, so much fighting left and already I was exhausted trying to just keep us afloat.
I’d clung to my father’s words my whole life, but he was nothing more than a preacher: a marketer and a voice for the movement. And nothing he’d said since returning had soothed my mind about this road we were on.
The Storm’s Soldiers had become more a street gang than even a militia. If I wanted something solid to grasp onto I would have to create it myself. To remind my father what we were even about.
Only I wasn’t even sure anymore. My father had been my compass. I couldn’t find north on my own.
The only real things since I’d gotten back had happened in my time on base, training men almost a decade younger for the heat of gunfire.
There was one other real thing that now came to mind: the feel of Rosa nestled in my arms. It had been just an hour ago, but I could just imagine the weight of her, that burning fire that seemed the source of her life.
Instead of holding that, my hands now possessed two dull objects. In one, the packet of bullet shards. In the other, Rosa’s card.
Lies and secrets were multiplying upon each other and I hated it. I couldn’t do anything about the bullet other than lose it.
But the card…that I might be able to fix.
I checked it.
Her address was printed on the back.
It would be right to give this back to her before it caused any small trouble. I could just slip it through her mailslot.
My mind grew peaceful just thinking about it. Not at the thought of helping her though.
But because it gave me one last chance to see her again.
CHAPTER FIVE
Rosa
I’d turned the living room into a mess. With the chandelier light so faint and far above and throw pillows lying everywhere it looked like a safe house from some zombie movie.
“You brought it to work today,” Elsa said behind me. “I saw you clip it on.”
“Well, it might have dropped off,” I said, shifting even more sofa cushions.
“I saw it when you went out the door this morning.”
“Maybe that was my library card,” I grunted at her. “Just come help me look.”
My little sister groaned like the world was ending, but she rolled up her sleeves and started shuffling through the other sofa at back.
She was all dressed up to head out to some church thing with my mother. Her hair hung down dark and sleek and her sandstone cheeks glowed with rouge. In her white blouse and navy skirt she looked achingly mature.
How was a sweet, churchgoing girl in summer school? She was an angel compared to what I’d been at her age. I briefly considered telling her to spend half the effort on her classes as she did on her look. Then, I realized how old that made me sound.
I checked under a vase on the end table, then threw my hands up. It had been a long shot, but I’d searched just about everywhere else. My bedroom was in a similar state as this one.
“Wait,” Elsa said. “How did you get through the day if you took the wrong card to work?”
“I don’t know, pepita. Just shut up and keep looking.”
Of course, she was right. This was insanity. I was almost a hundred percent certain I’d used my own card to get through a door or two today. Even with my hectic patient schedule, my memory wasn’t that bad.
I just wanted to make absolutely sure before dropping my tail feathers and admitting to security that I’d lost my card. Lilly would give me so much shit. I could only shiver thinking about the patronizing look Lem would have on.
Oh Rosa
, he’d say.
You really need someone to take care of you around here
.
Like he was even half the man for the job. I still couldn’t believe the way he had grabbed me the other day. I’d always imagined him as long, high note of a man, just weak and easily broken.
No, there was a hardness to him to - the very worst type of it. He was used to getting things his way. Was he the type to get possessive after being rejected? How far would it go if I said nothing?
If only I had accepted Calix’s offer to keep him at bay
I had been with strong men before. Ok, I had
only
been with strong men. Any of them might have done what Calix did.
The thing that made him different was what he didn’t do. He hadn’t overdone it on Lem. He hadn’t tried to show off - if anything, he hid the move. He didn’t act like helping me meant I owed him.
He was responsible even when he didn’t have to be. He had been respectful and kept his distance. I had to beg him for even a hug.
And god what a hug it was. I’d never had one that felt even a fraction as safe.
God, just the thought made me want to stuff my head in a pillow. It was so cheesy. But the way he had tugged me in, just buried me in a wall of heat and strength. It had only been a moment, but I’d caught a glimpse of true security, of having no one to fear with him close.