Fragmented (15 page)

We stayed at the pond’s edge until the sun had dipped low in the sky and my mother’s attendant—the nurse with the shock of curly red hair—came looking for us to take my mom to dinner.

“Are you staying for dinner, baby?” she asked me.

“I wish I could, Mama,” I said with real regret in my voice. “But you know how the Ambassador to Spain gets.”

She nodded her understanding, and after a brief hug that left me yearning for more, we said goodbye.

+ + +

Damien drove me to the train station the next morning despite my insistence that I could take another taxi so he didn’t have to miss work. The drive was uncomfortably quiet. The entire long weekend had been uncomfortable. Dinner the previous night had been more delivered food, and it had made me wish I’d taken my cab back to Olive and Jerret’s instead of returning to Damien’s. Even cafeteria food at Riverside Estates would have been preferable to the makeshift meal. I had taken a few slices of pizza up to the guestroom with the excuse that I had to study for midterms. I had gotten a few hours of studying in before my eyes had grown heavy and I had surrendered to sleep.

“Do you remember what mom was like when she first started to get sick?” I asked, breaking the heavy silence in the car.

Damien cleared his throat. “That kind of stuff is pretty hard to forget.”

I had been young, maybe seven years old at the time. I hadn’t noticed much until the illness had completely taken over and the paranoid episodes happened with frequency.

“What do you remember?” I asked.

He clenched the steering wheel and the leather cover creaked with the stress of it. “I was a senior in high school when I first noticed the change,” he started. “Dad had been gone a couple of years and she hadn’t been the same since then. There were days she wouldn’t come out of her bedroom and I’d be in charge of dinner or getting you ready for school. On the days she did leave the house to go grocery shopping or something, she’d sometimes be gone all day, and when she’d get back home, she still hadn’t actually done any shopping. I’d thought she was just depressed. Calling social services on her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but she couldn’t take care of herself, let alone you.”

I had many of the same memories as Damien, but I’d viewed our mother’s reaction to my father’s abandonment differently. I had a mom who stayed at home with me, who didn’t hassle me about doing my homework, and who packed candy in my lunchbox. My brother saw it differently. He’d been in high school and then the first years of college, worrying about his kid sister and his lunatic mother.

“Does Sandra know about Mom?” I asked.

“Of course. I couldn’t keep those kinds of bills a secret from her.”

“But does she know everything—Great Aunt Sara, Great-Grandma?” I hesitated. “Maybe me?”

Damien frowned and didn’t take his eyes off the road. “We talked about it before Austin was born. I wanted her to know what might happen if we had a girl, and if it might be a better option to adopt or foster a child instead.”

“But you decided to roll the dice.”

“I guess so.”

“You didn’t think that was a little reckless?”

“Sandra wanted a family,” he shrugged as if that made the risk forgivable.

“You never considered how selfish you were being? What would have happened if Austin had been born a girl?” I ranted. “Sandra is excusable. You’re not. You know what this disease is like.”

By the time I’d finished my sharp-tongued lecture, we’d reached the train station. Damien let his car idle in front of the intermodal station instead of parking and getting out. “Are you okay, Harper? You’re not … you don’t think you’re getting sick, do you?”

“No,” I quickly denied. I grabbed my luggage from the backseat and shoved the passenger side door open. I tossed a goodbye over my shoulder before I shuffled down the sidewalk towards my train.

Even if I was getting sick, he was the last person I’d tell.

CHAPTER TEN

I hadn’t thought much about my life back in Chicago when I was in Memphis, but once I’d boarded the return train, everything had come rushing back. Classes. Responsibilities. Raleigh. Fall Break was usually the time when I got caught up on papers or projects that were starting to slip away from me, and it was an opportunity to thoroughly study for the midterm exams that would await me upon my return to school. But when I returned to campus at the conclusion of this break, I was feeling anything but caught up and prepared.

Most of the students in my anatomy class were already in their seats when I arrived a few minutes before our exam. I tossed my bag on the lab table and rummaged around inside for my notebook for some last minute cramming.

“Hey,” Raleigh greeted cheerfully as I took my seat beside her. “How was Memphis?”

“Pretty uneventful.”

That part wasn’t a lie. Besides the incident at Riverside Estates, the reluctant return to my hometown had been underwhelming. If I had stayed with Olive and Jerret there might have been some excitement, but my brother Damien and his family were as boring as they came.

“I would say that I missed you,” she remarked, “but I was too busy making flashcards and studying to notice much of anything.”

I tried to ignore the flippant comment, but it was really cute when she tried to flirt. I didn’t know if she even realized what she’d admitted to though; she had only glanced away once from her flashcards to acknowledge my arrival. I wanted to continue to pull revealing statements out of her mesmerizing mouth, but our professor chose that moment to skid into the room with his usual, frazzled flair.

“Time to put your study guides away.” Professor Berry’s announcement was met with a collective groan from the class. “If you don’t know the material by now, you don’t know it.”

“Ready for this?” I whispered to my table partner.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” Her eyes remained on her stack of flashcards, but I could see the corners of her mouth curl up.

Unlike so many lessons and lectures before, I found myself able to concentrate on the exam questions. I blocked out all external distractions and the answers came to me with distinct clarity. I scribbled furiously in my blue book with only periodic glances in Raleigh’s direction.

After turning in my midterm, I hovered in the hallway outside of the classroom. I had finished my test before the majority of other students, including Raleigh. The door opened and closed with each individual student’s exit. I plastered a smile on my face each time the door opened, only to find myself smiling at classmates whom I didn’t know.

After a while, I checked the time on my phone. It was nearly the time when class typically ended. I suddenly felt foolish for waiting in the hallway for so long simply for the opportunity to talk to Raleigh. It was obvious to me what I was doing when I should have been studying for my upcoming psychology midterm.

Just as I’d made the decision to leave, the classroom door opened, but stopped as though it had gotten caught on something.
I scrambled to the door when I realized what must have been happening on the other side of the door. The door opened
into
the classroom, which would have made it difficult for Raleigh to exit. I reached for the door handle, but it slipped out of my grip as someone inside the classroom pulled the door wide open. Raleigh’s smiling face appeared first, followed by Andrew’s butt chin.

“Thank you,” I heard her say.

Andrew maneuvered Raleigh’s wheelchair into the near-empty hallway where I’d been waiting. “Of course. It’s appalling that the school isn’t more wheelchair accessible.”

“I’m sure retrofitting everything on such an old campus isn’t easy or inexpensive,” she excused.

“They charge us enough in tuition,” Andrew scoffed, still holding onto the handles of Raleigh’s chair. “They should be able to afford putting the hinges on the other side of the door.”

Raleigh laughed at his assessment, and my mood immediately darkened.

“I’m Andrew, by the way.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Andrew,” Raleigh returned. “And thank you again for your help.”

“Raleigh,” I burst into their exchange. “Do you want to get lunch?”

Andrew only looked away from Raleigh’s face when he heard my voice. I couldn’t blame him; it was a beautiful face. “Oh hey, Harper. I didn’t see you out here.” He smiled benignly. “What did you think of that exam?”

“Hi.” I openly ignored Andrew and his question and continued to stare at Raleigh. “Lunch?”

“I’m going to eat my lunch in the stacks,” Raleigh said. “I want to cram a little more before our psychology exam this afternoon.”

“Oh.” I couldn’t help my disappointment, but she was being responsible. And lunch with me meant more of Lauren’s probing questions. I should probably have spent my lunch period studying more, too.

“Where are you off to right now?” Andrew asked her.

“The humanities building for my World Literature midterm.”

“I’m headed in that direction, too,” he announced. “I’ll go with you.”

“Are you coming, Harper?” Raleigh asked, turning on me.

“Uh, no. You guys go ahead. Good luck on your midterm, Raleigh.”

“Thanks,” she smiled. “I’ll see you after lunch.”

Andrew took hold of the handles of her chair and began guiding Raleigh out of the building.

I chewed on the inside of my lip, feeling frustrated and rejected as I watched them depart. Only the growling of my stomach was able to uproot me.

My three friends were at our usual cafeteria table when I arrived and looked to be engaged in a lively discussion. They paused long enough to welcome me with smiles.

“How was your break?” Kelly asked, making room for me beside her. “Get some quality time in with your honey?”

“No more honey for this bee,” I sighed. I hadn’t wanted to admit that Jenn had broken up with me because it felt a little bit like failure, but there was no sense in keeping the truth from my friends anymore. “There is no more Jenn,” I said, tearing up my grilled cheese into smaller pieces. “We broke up.”

“Oh, no,” Maia mourned. “What happened?”

“It’s not a big deal,” I insisted with a shrug. “The relationship ran its course.”
Plus I have a massive crush on someone else
, I kept to myself. I wanted to ask Kelley about Raleigh because they’d just had class together, but I was afraid my question might give me away.

“God, you lesbians are the worst.” Lauren huffed and stabbed an innocent baby tomato on her salad. “What’s the point of having gay friends if you don’t actually do gay things?”

Maia rolled her eyes. “So sorry we’re not having enough lesbian sex to keep you entertained.”

“Speaking of not getting laid,” Lauren continued as she stood from the table, “I’ve got half a semester’s worth of European history to cram into my head before my midterm tomorrow. I’ll see you losers later.”

“Remind me why we’re friends with her?” Kelley sighed when Lauren had left.

“If I remember,” I said. “I’ll let you know.”

“She’s been in a mood lately,” Maia noted, looking in the direction where Lauren had stalked away. “I think she’s freaking out about what’s going to happen after we graduate.”

I glanced down at my phone to check the time. I wanted to catch up with my friends, but I also needed time to cram for my psychology exam. My screen indicated I had a new e-mail to my school account. I opened the mobile program and mentally crossed my fingers that it was Professor Glasglow postponing or canceling the midterm. The message was from an unknown recipient, however, not my psychology professor. The subject line was blank and the message itself was empty, except for an attached photo. I couldn’t make out the colorful thumbnail until I clicked on the photo.

I enlarged the image and immediately recognized the colorfully painted pumpkin. The painted gourd had been in the trunk of my car since I’d gone to Harvestfest with Raleigh. I had forgotten all about it until now.

“What’s wrong?” Kelly asked.

“Nothing. I just got a weird e-mail.”

I was still looking at the perplexing image when my phone blipped with an incoming text message:
Stop clowning around, Harper.

“Clowning around?” Maia read over my shoulder. “What does that mean?”

“I have no idea.”  I shoved my phone into my bag and out of sight, but not out of mind. Who had my pumpkin and how had they gotten it?

I stood up on shaky legs. “I should probably go study,” I announced. “I have another midterm soon.”

I didn’t linger around to say a proper goodbye to my friends. Instead, I left the cafeteria and found the nearest computer lab to access my school e-mail account.

My palms were cold and sweaty as I waited for the e-mail program to open. The lab was equipped with about thirty desktop computers and nearly all were occupied with students finishing up last minute papers or checking social media. I leaned forward, my shoulders slightly hunching as if my upper body could keep other students from seeing what was on my screen.