Fragments: Poems, Intimate Notes, Letters (4 page)

Read Fragments: Poems, Intimate Notes, Letters Online

Authors: Marilyn Monroe

Alone
!!!!!

I am alone
—I am
always

alone

no matter what
.

Look Mag

Hu 27291

Rupert All
a
n

There is nothing to fear

but fear itself

What do I believe in

What is
truth

I believe in myself

even my most delicate

intangible feelings

in the end everything is

intangible

my most precious liquid must

never spill
don’t spill your precious liquid

life force

they are all my
feelings

no matter
what

My feeling doesn’t

happen to swell

into words—

Note: Rupert Allan met Marilyn in 1959. As the West Coast editor of
Look
magazine, he had secured Marilyn her first cover photo, which appeared on June 3, 1952. This may explain her reference “Look Mag.” Subsequently, Rupert Allan became Marilyn’s press agent and remained such up until the end of the filming of
The Misfits
, when he accepted Grace Kelly’s offer to work for her in Monaco.

Actress must have no mouth

no feet

shoulder girdle hangs light

hanging

so-o-o

loose

everything

focus my thought on

the partner—

feeling in the end of

my fingers

~~Nothing must come~~

~~between me and my~~

~~part—my feeling—~~

~~concentration~~

The feeling only

getting rid of everything

else

my mind speaks

no looks

body only

letting go—face feeling

mind

spirit

no attitude

listening to the body for

the feeling

listen with the eyes

buoy
a
ncy

Tension

loose—having
no brakes

letting go of everything.

feeling only—
all I have to

do is think it
. How do

I hear the melody—the

Tone springs from emotion

Tone—groans and moans—“I’m (animals—“down to the hogs”)

so sick”—hums from

with cat—hum—nice kitty soft.

starts from below my feet

feet—all in my feet.

What is my pantomime playing with

How is my head?

as if I might never

speak move

transparency.

letting go.

down down in back.

pulling up from here.

right tension
stomach

[illegible] only

Fear of giving me the lines new

maybe won’t be able to learn them

maybe I’ll make mistakes

people will either think I’m no good or

laugh or belittle me or think I can’t act.

Women looked stern and critical—

unfriendly and cold in general

afraid director won’t think I’m any good.

remembering when I couldn’t do a god

damn thing.

then trying to build myself up with the

fact that I have done things right that

were even good and have had moments

that were excellent but the bad is heavier

to carry around and feel have no confidence

depressed mad

Pardon me

are you the janitor’s

wife

caught a Greyhound

Bus from Monterey

to Salinas. On the

Bus I was the
~~only~~
person

woman with about

sixty italian fishermen

and I’ve never met

sixty such charming gentlemen—they

were wonderful. Some

company was sending them

downstate where their boats

and (they hoped) fish were

waiting for them. Some

could hardly speak english

not only do I love Greeks

[illegible] I love Italians.

they’re
so
warm, lusty and friendly

as hell—I’d love to go to

Italy someday.

Notes:

The sentence
of the notebook is one of the few lines Marilyn had to say in
Love Nest
(1951), so we may assume that these notes—at any rate, the ones written in pencil—date from the same period.

In February 1948, Marilyn went to the California towns of Salinas and Castroville in order to promote diamond sales in two jewelry stores. She stayed at the Jeffery Hotel in Salinas for a week.